


unravel me

by Bekka911



Series: broken arrow [1]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Arrow (TV 2012) Season 1, Arrowcave (Arrow TV 2012), Brother-Sister Relationships, Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff, Season One of Arrow, Tommy has a sister, and she's pretty neat, eventual get-together, i don't know how to tag???, slow-burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:08:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 119,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22860775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bekka911/pseuds/Bekka911
Summary: "...and she knew that the Oliver that had come home to them was not the same Oliver that had gotten on they damned boat."Cali Merlyn had a rough five years after the death of her best friend. Now, she works in the Starling Public Library and lives in a quaint little apartment she can eaasily call her own. She's getting better, she knows she is, but then Oliver returns and things spiral once more.Now, she has to deal with a new vigilante who uses arrows, her brother chasing after Laurel Lance, and her own suspicions of Moira Queen.All because Oliver Queen got on that goddamned boat five years ago.
Relationships: Malcolm Merlyn & Original Female Character(s), Oliver Queen/Original Female Character(s), Tommy Merlyn & Original Character(s)
Series: broken arrow [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1643350
Comments: 59
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya!  
> This book is also on Wattpad under my account, so please don't accuse me of stealing. I'm low-key kind of excited about this one. It's also multi-chaptered! Yay! So far, the plan is a book a season until I decide to kill off my character. Yay?  
> Trigger Warning - There will be mentions and descriptions of abuse in this story. It may get explicit.

_"I spent my years weighted down by a stone heart  
Drowning in irony and settling for anything"_  
**THE WONDER YEARS - _'I Just Want To Sell Out My Funeral'_**

.

"What's happening, baby sis?" Tommy slid into the booth, grinning widely at Cali as she rolled her eyes and huffed. She shoved a menu at him. "Aw, is this for me? You're so thoughtful."

Cali swatted him with her own menu, laughing as Tommy cried out in mock pain. He pouted as he rubbed the offended area, but she just raised an eyebrow and deliberately focused back down at her menu.

"I'm paying," she said lightly. "Just so you know."

Tommy's cheeky grin returned in full force, and he leaned forward slightly. "So what's the gossip." Cali just blinked at her menu. Tommy didn't give up. He poked her face. "C'mon," he whined. "You never shout me lunch unless you have something to tell me."

Cali groaned playfully, setting aside her menu and staring at her brother. Her caramel eyes were light and happy, and something in Tommy's smile became softer and more sincere.

He hadn't seen his sister this genuinely happy for too long. It made something warm bloom in his chest as her lips quirked into an excited smile.

"I got promoted at the library!" She squealed finally, and Tommy cheered with her.

"Congratulations bub!" He let out an overjoyed laugh as she launched herself over the table to wrap him in a tight hug. Her entire body was shaking. He held her tight enough that his muscles actually strained a little. "I'm so proud of you!"

Cali drew back, already babbling about what it meant now that she was Head of the Library and how the others were really supportive and she suddenly had so much work to do! Tommy didn't pay much attention to what she was actually saying, because he had absolutely no idea what the Head of the Library was, but he was happy to listen to his baby sister be happy.

She's been through too much. She deserved to be happy. If Tommy could help with that, he would. She was his sister, his family. He loved her with all of his heart. She loved him in return.

They only had each other after all.

Sometime during Cali's ranting, a waitress had taken their order and their food had arrived. Cali paused her tale only to take a few bites and a quick drink before she was back to telling Tommy about this girl named Martha who was apparently a right bitch. Tommy made a mental note to investigate the sudden removal of this woman from the library.

"Oh Tommy," Cali sighed, finally calming down. She rested her head on her hand, staring at Tommy with a tired but blindingly happy smile. "It's a dream come true."

Tommy reached out and grabbed her free hand, his lips aching from his wide grin. "I'm proud of you," he said sincerely. "And I'm sure Mom and Oliver would be too."

Some of the light faded from Cali's face. Her grip on Tommy's hand got a little bit tighter. She let out a heavy breath and closed her eyes for a moment, and Tommy let her be about it because the loss of Oliver and their mother had broken something vital in Cali's heart, and Tommy had never been able to fix it.

"I miss them," Cali said in a small voice, opening her eyes. "I mean, Mom died so long ago but Ollie..."

Tommy swallowed thickly. "Yeah," he said hoarsely. "Yeah, Ollie's death hurt in a different way. I mean, we were so young when Mom...But Oliver was our _friend_. I miss him more than I could possibly say."

Cali squeezed his hand. Her eyes glittered with unshed tears. Tommy blinked rapidly, hoping to prevent himself from crying. He was Tommy Merlyn. The media would have a field day if they found him crying with his sister in some restaurant.

He tugged on Cali's hand. "Come on. We're gonna go get some ice-cream."

Cali laughed, the sound sharp and sudden. "Yeah," she said, sniffing slightly and gathering herself. "Yeah, that sounds fantastic. I paid for lunch, so you've got the ice-cream."

Tommy winked at her. "I don't know bub, ice-cream could break the bank. Maybe we shouldn't, I mean, we need the money."

Cali hit him. "Thomas Merlyn, you are going to buy me a double scoop of chocolate fudge ice-cream or I will make sure the police never find your body."

Tommy saluted her. "Yes ma'am."

.

Cali hummed in delight as she crammed another spoonful of ice-cream into her mouth. Tommy walked beside her, focused on his own cool dessert. Cali eyed him. "I don't know how you can eat that and enjoy it," she said, nose scrunched up in distaste.

Tommy frowned down at his mint and strawberry ice-cream. "It tastes amazing!" He said defensively. "You just don't appreciate good food."

"Tommy, it's disgusting."

"Well... _you're_ disgusting."

"Take that back!"

"Take back what you said about my ice-cream!"

Cali shook her head and devoured another bite of her superior dessert. "You're no brother of mine," she said, mock angry. Tommy spluttered beside her, stumbling over excuses and insults and some sort of offended noise that sounded like he was choking on something. His dignity probably.

A cell phone ringing interrupted the playful moment, and Tommy shot Cali an apologetic look as he pulled his mobile out. "It's Thea," he explained, answering the call and holding the phone to his ear. "Hello your majesty! How may I be of service-"

His face went slack.

Cali immediately reached for him, abandoning her ice-cream in the nearest bin. "Tommy?" She touched his arm, and he jerked, but he never responded to her. "Hey, Tommy, what's wrong? Is Thea okay?"

Tommy swallowed. "Yeah, Thea. We'll be there as soon as we can. Yeah. Alright, thanks for letting me know. I, uh, I guess we'll see. Bye."

He hung up, turning his blank stare on his sister. Cali shook him lightly. "What is happening?!"

"Cali." Her name was a whisper, Tommy's eyes wide and stunned and pained. "Cali, bub, we have to get to Starling Hospital, okay? I'm going to call for a ride."

Cali didn't let him go. "Tommy, tell me what's going on. Why are we going to the hospital? Is Thea okay?"

"Thea's fine, sis."

"Then why are we going to the hospital?"

Tommy looked down, jaw clenching and unclenching. His voice was cracked and fragile when he said, "They found Oliver. He's alive."

Cali reared back, her hand immediately going to cover her mouth as she let out a cry of surprise. Tommy stared down at the ground, hand tightening around the cup of ice-cream. Oliver Queen, Starling City's beloved playboy, had returned. He'd come back. Tommy's best friend was back.

Oliver Queen had returned to them, and Tommy was almost afraid of what that meant.

.

"I can't believe they didn't let us see him," Tommy fumed, pacing back and forth. His hand fidgeted with his tie, simply for something to do. Cali watched him, emotions caught in a tumultuous hurricane of shock and horror and numb.

Oliver was back. Oliver had _survived_. Oliver didn't know about Michael. She couldn't tell him about what happened during the five years he was gone. He couldn't know.

She didn't know what to say to him at all.

"Tommy," she said haltingly, rising to her feet and grabbing at her brother's shoulders. Tommy immediately gripped her in a hug.

"He's alive, bub," he whispered into her hair. "My best friend is alive and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through this dinner."

Cal let out a shaky breath, resting her forehead on her brother's shoulder. "Tommy, I'm worried," she admitted. "I don't know what he's been through, I don't know if he's _our_ Oliver. He could've been through anything. It's been five years."

Tommy hummed, swaying them both slightly. "We'll be okay. _Ollie_ will be okay. Everything's going to be okay."

"I don't want him to know about Michael."

Tommy froze immediately, his breathing stuttering as he tried to process Cali's sudden switch in thought. The more he thought about it himself, the more he realised why she wouldn't want Ollie to know. He could perfectly picture the shame colouring her cheeks, and the way she was breathing too heavily to be considered casual.

His lip curled at the thought of the scumbag who'd torn Cali down. Michael Martin had done horrible things to Calissa Merlyn, and Tommy would gladly punch the asshole if he wasn't already in prison.

He drew back, brushing Cali's hair away from her face. "Hey," he murmured gently. "I won't say anything about it. I'm sure Thea won't either. Besides, Olivers been through enough on his own. I don't see any reason to add to his stress. Now, keep your chin up, alright?" Cali gave him a shaky smile, drawing her shoulders back slightly. Tommy brushed a thumb over her cheek gently. "That's my girl."

"I love you Tommy," she said quietly, reaching out to take off his tie. He looked better without it. Besides, it was only Oliver they were seeing, not their father.

Tommy pressed a kiss to her forehead. "And I love you too, bub. Now come on, we better not be late to this dinner. I think Moira might skin us both if that happens."

Cali giggled and let him hold her hand as he led her out to the waiting car.

.

They arrived at the Queen mansion early, which was good, because Cali couldn't make herself get out of the car. Her legs were blocks of ice, and her heart hammered away in her chest. She gripped her purse hard enough that her fingers hurt, and even when Tommy opened her door, she couldn't bring herself to look away from the headrest of the driver's seat.

"Hey bub," Tommy said lowly. "You're alright. This is going to be hard, but I'll be right there beside you, okay? Thea will be here as well-"

"Thea's probably too high to really care what's happening right in front of her," Cali said viciously, still refusing to look at her brother. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

Tommy sighed, his hand hovering above her carefully styled hair. He didn't let it drop, but Cali felt it's presence and comfort anyway. Oh Tommy - he always knew what she needed to feel okay.

"It's okay to be afraid," Tommy promised. "But Oliver needs you right now. He needs me and Thea and Moira. He needs normal. He's been stranded on an island for five years. He doesn't need to be treated like glass."

Slowly, painfully, Cali tore her gaze away from the seat in front of her and turned to face her brother. "I'm scared that he won't be our Ollie," she admitted shamefully. "Is that wrong? I know I can't expect him to be the same, but I really can't help but hope that it's the same Ollie that got on that boat."

Tommy let his hovering hand settle on her shoulder. "It won't be him. I know it won't be. But he'll still be Oliver Queen and he'll still be our best friend, okay? He's still _Oliver_."

Cali nodded, breathing out an _'okay'_ as she reached a hand out for Tommy to grab. Gently, he eased her out of the car and steadied her on her feet as she took several deep breaths. She looped her arm through her brother's and allowed him to walk her up to the front door. One knock was all it took before the giant wooden doors were opening and then Cali had no more chances to run away.

"Welcome Mr. and Ms. Merlyn," Raisa greeted, bowing her head respectfully.

"Raisa," Tommy scolded playfully, an easy smile on his face. "I've told you before. Mr. Merlyn is my father. Please. Just call me Tommy."

"And you know that I'm just Cali," Cali chimed in, smiling at the maid. Raisa had been a solid support for her throughout the five years after Oliver's disappearance, from dealing with the grief of losing a friend to the grief of dating to the wrong person. Raisa had been the one to call the police on Michael when he'd gone too far and Thea had gotten hurt.

Cali shivered. Tonight was not a night to think about that man. Tonight was a night to celebrate that Oliver had returned to them, that Oliver was _alive_.

"Where's the man of the hour?" Tommy asked brightly, and Raisa gave him a knowing yet sad look.

She nodded her head at the stairs. "In his room, preparing for dinner." She paused and lowered her voice. "Please, go gently. There are ghosts in his eyes. I fear that Mr. Queen has seen too much during his time away. His hands shake when he thinks nobody is looking."

Tommy thanked her, his mood sombering slightly. Cali kept her tight grip on his arm, even as she offered Raisa a warm kiss on the cheek. "I trust you to keep an eye on him when we aren't here," she whispered to the maid. Raisa laughed softly.

"Of course."

The two Merlyn siblings moved further into the house, silently agreeing not to invade Oliver's space. The man had been by himself for five years. It wouldn't do well to crowd him suddenly and take away one of the only safe spaces he had left in a house that had grown to be unfamiliar to him. Instead, they greeted the rest of the Queen family.

"It's nice to see you both," Moira said, hugging them both gently. Cali gripped back onto Tommy's arm as soon as she could, offering Moira a tight smile. "Oliver seemed relieved to know that he would see you both tonight."

"How is he?" Tommy asked.

Moira sighed and shared a glance with Walter. "It will be hard for him," Moira admitted. "He's missed a lot, and everything that was once familiar is now foreign. He's come home to another island, and I worry that he will be swept back out to sea."

Cali shook her head. "We won't let him go this time."

Walter gave her a soft look. "That may not be up to you, I'm afraid. Oliver just needs time."

Cali raised her chin. Walter didn't understand. Oliver wouldn't drift away from them again because _Cali wouldn't let him_. She would hold onto him, no matter what, because she'd let him go once and then she'd spent five years struggling not to follow him into the abyss of the ocean.

They'd just gotten Ollie back - she wouldn't lose him again. She couldn't.

Not again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'go carefully. he has ghosts in his eyes.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes. Chapter Two my friends. A little of Oliver's perspective. Another mention of Michael.  
> Leave your thoughts in the comments.

_"Driving myself into an early grave but that's okay  
I could use the sleep"_  
**FREE THROW - _'Victory Road'_**

.

Dinner was...awkward.

Oliver had given both her and Tommy a hug when he'd finally come downstairs with Thea, but the action had been stilted and unsure, as if Oliver hadn't been entirely convinced that they were both real. Cali had just clutched him tightly and taken several deep breaths.

And then they'd sat at the table, and Oliver hadn't touched the food. Cali understood, she did, but he just looked so _thin_ that she had the strong urge to force him to eat everything she put on his plate, just to make him stop looking so hollow and haunted.

"Okay, let's see," Tommy babbled, just to make noise and fill in the silence. He was good at that. Cali just kept watching Oliver, taking in his stiff posture and the wariness evident in all of his taut muscles. "What else did you miss? Super Bowl winners: Colts. Giants. Steelers. Saints. Packers. Black president, that's new. Oh, and _'Lost'_. Turns out they were all dead-" he frowned, "-I think."

"What was it like there?" Thea interrupted, leaning forward to stare at her brother. Instantly, the atmosphere in the room cooled.

Cali bit her tongue, noticing the slight flush to Thea's cheeks that indicated she'd taken _something_. Stupid girl. Stupid, ungrateful girl. Cali wanted nothing more than to hate her in that moment, but it melted away as memories of Thea after Oliver's disappearance resurfaced.

During the weeks and months after the _'Queen's Gambit'_ had sunk, Cali had been seriously scared that Thea was going to wind up dead. By her own hand or by the hand of the drugs and the alcohol and the strangers from bars.

Looking at the younger Queen sibling now, Cali could understand. She didn't like it, but she understood.

"Cold," Oliver answered, trying to smile. It didn't work.

Cali took a long drink of water. Oliver tracked the motion with an intensity that sent shivers racing up her arms. He looked cautious, defensive. He thought she was going to attack him?

She cleared her throat. "You're home, Ollie," she said quietly, and his nostrils flared before his expression settled into something a little calmer. "You don't have to be on guard all the time. I know it must be unfamiliar, and I know you don't want us to treat you like you're fragile or damaged, but you shouldn't think that something is going to attack you. You're safe now."

Oliver's face gave nothing away. "Thanks for the concern," he said easily. "But I'm just a little tired, that's all."

Cali didn't believe him, but she didn't push. She knew all too well the kind of effects trauma had on people. She had no doubt that there would be nightmares. Oliver had a long road to recovery. She would help him all that she could.

Tommy hummed slightly to break the tension. He pointed a fork at Oliver. "Tomorrow, you and me, we're doing the city. You got a lot of catching up to you. I'll even take you to the library. It's come under new management recently." He winked at his sister.

"That sounds like a wonderful idea," Moira said in an attempt to regain control of the situation.

Oliver pursed his lips before smiling politely. "Good. Then I was hoping to go into the office."

It was almost unnoticeable, the way Walter stiffened. Cali caught it, and she knew Oliver did too. Perhaps that's what he'd been looking for. Whatever the reason, she knew that Oliver had proven whatever point he'd wanted to make to himself.

Walter looked briefly at Moira, then back to Oliver, his wine glass poised by his lips. "There's plenty of time for all that. I'm sure your doctors would prefer you take some time. Queen Consolidated isn't going anywhere."

The tension returned, thick and heavy and cloying. Cali took another drink of water. "Oliver," she said gently, and his attention drifted over to her. "You don't have to prove anything to us."

His lips quirked, his smile slipping. Genuine appreciation shone in his eyes, but it faded before she could even be sure that was what it was. "I know," he responded, voice soft and lilting. _He was putting on a mask_. "I'm just trying to...figure out where I fit back in to everything."

Raisa returned with the bowl of pears Oliver had requested earlier. She smiled at him, and glanced at Cali. The look cost her - she stumbled after setting the bowl down on the table. Tommy tensed, but Oliver was already loving to steady her.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Queen," Raisa said, flushing.

Oliver smiled softly, and it was the first time that Cali had seen him genuinely soften. He obviously had a sweet spot for Raisa, and relief washed over her in waves. As long as he had _someone_.

Oliver said something in what sounded like Russian, his voice getting lower and more guttural as he switched between languages. It took a moment before he looked back at them. Cali was the only one who wasn't staring.

"Dude," Tommy said, dumbfounded. "You...speak Russian?"

Oliver shrugged minutely, and Walter smiled. "I didn't realise you took Russian in college, Oliver."

And then Oliver said what he'd obviously wanted to say since the dinner started. "I didn't realise you wanted to sleep with my mother, Walter."

Cali felt like freezing water has been tipped over her. Of course, _of course_ , they didn't think of that. Of course Oliver would have found out, would have brought it up, would have wanted to _know_.

She knew that the Oliver Queen that came home to them is not the same Oliver Queen that had gotten on that damn boat.

Moira sent Thea a glare, but Thea held her hands up. "I didn't say anything." She didn't look ruffled by the situation, but Cali knew that it was the drugs. When they wore off, Thea would implode. She'd tear herself apart, only for Cali to patch her back up, and then Thea would take more drugs and the cycle would start anew. It was the same thing every time.

Cali was tired.

She tuned out the conversation, the explanations, the tip-toeing around what everyone wanted to say. She just stared at her glass, at her hands, at the way her plate seemed to ripple before her eyes. Exhaustion ripped through her - the specific kind of tired that kept her confined to bed for days at a time.

Tommy nudged her foot. She didn't look up at him.

"I understand," Oliver was saying when she tuned back in. "May I be excused?"

Oh. The dinner was coming to an end. A disastrous end for a disastrous event. What a poetic moment in time. Tommy pointed at Oliver again. "Hey, don't forget about tomorrow, buddy."

But Oliver was already halfway out the door.

Cali brought a hand up to her forehead, rubbing at her temple in an attempt to assuage the headache that was building there. Her eyes felt gritty and sore, and her entire body ached as if she were covered in bruises. Tommy kicked her foot again.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking up. Moira met her eyes, and her face softened. Cali fought the urge to flush. "I'm feeling rather unwell. May I also be excused?"

Moira nodded, her eyes dull with worry and age and something miserable. Walter graced Cali with a smile and Thea grabbed her hand as she stood up and moved away from the table. Cali didn't look at Tommy, but she could feel him watching her and knew that his grip on his cutlery would be tight enough to mark.

She shuffled out of the dining room, nodding at Raisa. "Where'd he go?" She asked in a low voice, holding her arms close to her torso. She felt sick, like the dinner had set her off-balance. It was so obvious that Oliver wasn't ready to be back yet, but Cali _needed_ him to be back. She couldn't have this halfway-to-the-grave Oliver look at her and not see her.

Cali really just needed her best friend back. She'd gone long enough without him.

Raisa pointed silently upstairs. His bedroom. Oliver must have gone up there to steady himself. Cali understood - the dinner had left him off-balance as well. For a moment, she hovered at the base of the stairs, unsure of herself. If she went up there, now, she would be invading his space. She didn't know where his head was at. She didn't know what he needed.

"He needs to not be alone," Raisa murmured beside her, looking sad. "He has changed, but he is still Oliver, and he does not want to be alone."

Cali looking at her hands. They were shaking. "I don't know what to do," she confessed. "He's so far away. He's still on that island. I don't know how to reach him."

Raisa put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You are a good friend, Calissa Merlyn." She smiled warmly. "Your heart is good. Oliver will let you in, if you can allow yourself to be honest."

Honesty. Right. Cali had lost the ability to be honest over the past five years, and for some reason that scared her. She knew, she _knew_ , that Oliver would see right through her lies in a way that Tommy hadn't been able to. Oliver looked with such intensity, it was almost like he expected to actually find something. Cali wouldn't be able to shield herself from him, but she couldn't just tell him about Michael.

Oliver could never know about Michael.

"Thank you, Raisa," Cali said, letting out a breath. "Could you tell Tommy that I'm staying with Thea tonight? There are a few things I want to discuss with her, and I'm rather tired. I would prefer not to have to travel all the way back to my apartment."

"Of course."

With that, Cali began to climb the stairs, each step more unsteady than the last. Her legs trembled. Something cold gripped the base of her spine, and her heartbeat grew uncomfortably fast. Oliver didn't scare her, of course he didn't, but she was scared anyway. She was scared that this dream would turn into a nightmare. She was scared that Oliver wouldn't recognise her anymore. She was scared that Oliver didn't want to be near her anymore.

Who knew what the goddamn island did to him.

Finally, _finally_ , she reached the top of the stairs and easily navigated through the long hallways. It was a big house, but Cali had lived here for nearly two years after Michael. She knew each twist and turn like the back of her hand, knew whose room was where. She knew where to find Oliver. She didn't know where to find the courage to knock on his door.

It turns out she didn't have to. Her knuckles didn't even brush against the wood before the door was being wrenched open, Oliver stopping just short of her. His eyes were wide, assessing, seeking. Cali lowered her hand slowly, taking steady breaths so that she wouldn't be afraid of her friend.

_She wouldn't be afraid of Oliver Queen._

"Hey Ollie," she said with a gentle sigh.

Immediately, he drew back, away from her. The unrestrained wild panic in his eyes receded, masked by a carefully polite blankness that stole something from inside Cali's heart. This wasn't her Oliver. This was a man who'd been alone on an island for five years with nothing comforting. This was a man who'd had to _survive._

"Cali," he greeted, stepping aside so she could enter. "Is everything okay?"

Hm. Maybe he'd lost his ability to see right through her. Usually, he didn't have to ask if she was alright. Usually, he _knew_. Well, five years ago he'd known.

She spun around to face him, pulling a smile across her lips. "Yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Dinner was a bit brutal."

Oliver watched her carefully, like she was something he didn't know how to defend against. "It's just strange, is all," he said casually, moving across to the window and pulling it open. Cali's deep purple dress began to twist and sway in the breeze. "I was gone for so long, and so many things have changed. I'm just trying to get my legs back under me."

Cali bit her lip, twisting her hands together nervously. "I didn't mean to sound accusatory," she said, looking up at him. His own hands twitched, as if to grab something, a weapon. She tried to make herself smaller. "I'm not going to pretend I know what you've been through, but I just...I've always worried about you. Don't think that being presumed dead is going to get you out of it."

There!

Minutely, Oliver's shoulders relaxed. Maybe Cali wasn't Tommy, but she was a Merlyn sibling, and she used to be one of Oliver's best friends. That was her way through to Oliver. She just had to be Calissa Merlyn. The Calissa Merlyn that Oliver knew five years ago, not the Cali Merlyn she'd become in his absence.

Oliver smiled, some of the forced and fake politeness fading from his posture. His face crumpled into something more casual and at ease. "You always did worry too much," he said lightly, and she huffed a laugh.

"Someone had to worry about you boys," she said. "You certainly didn't worry about yourselves."

"Why should we have?" Oliver took off his jacket. Cali tried not to stare. "Tommy and I ruled this city. We had nothing to worry about."

Cali tried to keep her expression light and happy, but she was too distracted by Oliver's body. Not in the sexy way, but simply because it was _different_. His face was thinner, but his torso had filled out. She'd bet that there were scars there now, poised on once unblemished skin.

Shaking her head, she filed it away to think about later. She settled herself on his bed, feeling her earlier exhaustion return with a vengeance. "So," she started, trying to keep her mask in place. "You and Tommy gonna hit up all the old spots again? He's been having such a good time on his own, I'm sure he'd _love_ to have you steal all of his ladies."

Oliver didn't laugh, but his smile did morph into a grin. "I just wanna look around first," he answered, "but I'm sure Tommy would be more than willing to introduce me to his 'ladies'."

Cali hummed, keeping his heels off carelessly and letting her body fully relax into the comfort of the bed. For a moment, just a shining moment, it seemed almost like nothing had happened. She and Ollie, gossiping while Tommy went to steal some dessert for them all. The three of them, the power trio.

It was okay - just for one moment.

And then Cali's eyes settled on Oliver's shoulders, took in the tension that had come back to them. Her lovely illusion shattered in between blinks, and she bit back her heavy sigh.

"You look tired," Oliver said quietly, moving around and messing with all the different trinkets scattered around his room.

Cali snorted in a very undignified manner. "You certainly know how to talk to women," she teased. Oliver didn't quite laugh, but he made a small sound of amusement. Cali closed her eyes. "I'm okay. I've been working at Starling Library, and it's taken a little bit out of me recently, that's all. I appreciate your concern."

Carefully phrased, a deflection. She was doing the same thing that Oliver had done all through dinner. She could play his game. She could probably even play his game _better_ than him. Oliver had no idea how warped she'd become in his absence. Perhaps that would give her an advantage now.

Oliver's entire body gained tension at her vagueness. Good. Let him get a taste of his own medicine. "How have you been, _really_? I've been gone a long time, but I haven't lost the ability to tell when something is upsetting you."

"Ollie-"

"Guppy. Please. The truth."

And then he had to go and do that.

Fuck.

Cali kept her eyes closed, because that nickname brushed against a raw point near her heart, and she didn't want him to see the tears that she was currently to swallow back. "Nobody's called me Guppy in five years," she said, exhaling steadily in an attempt to stop the oncoming sobs. "God, Ollie. You've been gone a long time."

Pressure indicated that he'd sat on the bed, by her side, and she rolled over, opening her eyes to stare at him. Raisa had been right. He had ghosts in his eyes - something had happened during those five years he'd been gone. His entire _being_ was haunted and hollow and wounded.

He smiled at her sadly. It was such a natural look on him now - sadness. It fit the furrow in his brow, the crinkles in his forehead, the downturn to his lips. Sadness had made its home in Oliver Queen. It wouldn't ever leave, not fully.

"You didn't answer my question," Oliver said quietly.

Cali hummed, eyes slipping closed again. God, she was so tired. Her head ached. Her heart rate was sluggish and irregular. "I don't know anymore," she admitted in a faint voice, eyes slipping shut again. She was so _tired_.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

And oh _Oliver_.

Cali groped blindly for his hand. "Don't apologise," she ordered sleepily. "It's not your fault, okay? None of this is your fault, and nobody blames you for what happened." Oliver took a breath. She interrupted what he was going to say. "-Oliver, if you say Laurel, I'm going to hit you. The Lance family is dear to me, but they aren't exactly the best judge of character when they're emotional. Just...listen to me, okay? It wasn't your fault."

"Yeah," Oliver whispered, but she could hear it in his voice that he didn't believe her. "Okay."

.

Oliver watched his friend go lax as sleep overcame her. Her smile fell away from her face, the mask she'd worked so very hard to keep intact slipping away into the darkness. Now, her eyebrows were furrowed and her lips were downturned. She _did_ look tired. And stressed. And on guard.

She looked like what Oliver saw in the mirror. She had the same defensive posture that he did.

Something had happened while he was gone. He knew it. He also knew that whatever had happened had scared Tommy enough that he'd completely changed his attitude with his sister. Five years ago, Tommy had been more flippant, less watchful, more lax with his concerns. The Merlyn siblings cared about each other, but it was like Oliver and Thea. There had been a small amount of distance, put there by the type of life they lived.

Five years ago, Cali would never have lied to his face and expected to get away with it.

Five years ago, Cali would never have gotten an average, day-to-day job.

Five years ago, Tommy wouldn't have let her cling to him like she was a child.

Now, though, Cali worked at the library, Tommy seemed reluctant to let Cali out of his sight, and Cali seemed too afraid to stray from his side.

Oliver let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding, and grabbed a blanket to cover the sleeping Cali with. He'd find out what she wasn't telling him. He was good at uncovering secrets. He had tomorrow with Tommy to ask a few questions. If that failed, he'd go to Thea. If none of them told him anything, then he'd start _looking_.

For a moment, he hesitated by Cali's side. He was not the Oliver she remembered.

She was not the Calissa he remembered.

He slipped out of his room again, leaving her alone to sleep.

He'd find out what he'd missed, and if any of his family had gotten hurt during his absence, he'd rain hell down upon the ones who'd done it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a pinch of the past amongst the sands of the present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes. a hint of Cali's past, and an introduction into the relationship between the Queen family and the Merlyn siblings. i'm keen.  
> leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"We're not who we used to be  
We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me"_   
**HARRY STYLES - 'Two Ghosts'**

.

Cali woke up suddenly, something heavy landing on top of her and squishing her into the bed. She groaned, trying to roll over, but whatever was splayed over her body kept her pinned in one place. "Off," she grumbled, and the large blob giggled.

"Get up," Thea whined, wriggling. Her knees dug in to Cali's thighs. "Come on, your brother and mine are already up and gone. I gotta leave for school soon."

Cali huffed out a wheezy breath. "Not my problem."

Thea's wriggling increased. "Come on! Look, I want to skip school. I'll take you shopping or something. Just _get up_."

Cali lazily reached up and waved her hand, accidentally smacking Thea across the face. "Get off me, elephant, and I might."

Thea squeaked in excitement, scrambling off of the bed in a weird flailing of limbs. Cali grunted as hands pressed down on her stomach. Clearly, Thea was jittery - too jittery to really notice what she was doing with her limbs. Or she just didn't care. That was also a strong possibility.

Cali stretched out her limbs, sighing peacefully as her sleepy muscles began to wake up. She felt relaxed, more so than usual. Her entire body was lax and rested, her and her head felt fuzzy after a long night of undisturbed, deep sleep. She felt...fresh.

She frowned at the roof.

Right, she was in Oliver's room. She'd fallen asleep on him last night, too mentally exhausted to really stop herself. But if she'd taken up his bed, where had he slept? She rolled her head to look at Thea, hoping for an answer. "Where..." Her voice trailed off as she yawned.

The younger Queen sibling gave her a knowing look, lips twisted into a cheeky grin. "Ollie slept in one of the guest rooms. Tommy came in to check on you a few times after dinner officially ended, but then he crashed in his room. They've just left for their tour around the city."

It made sense that Tommy hadn't left her here alone. Moira had given them both their own rooms in the house for precisely that purpose.

Cali sat up slowly, humming as Thea threw clothes at her. Clearly, today was a day for action and hurry. Really, Cali felt lethargic and slow - she hadn't felt this relaxed in a long time. God, what the hell kind of magic did Oliver's bed _have_?

"I'm going to tell Mom that you're driving me to 'school'," Thea said brightly. "Hurry and up and get changed."

Cali mockingly saulted. "Yes ma'am."

Thea responded with a curt nod, a mock-serious look on her face before it dissolved into an expression of pure delight. Cali laughed warmly as Thea hurried out of the room, loudly calling for her mother. Well, at least Oliver's return had lifted Thea's spirits. Cali's smile soured. Or perhaps, Thea had just been given a new supply, and this was the result. That was also likely.

Whatever. Cali shook her head, frowning down at the clothes she was holding. Thea's problems were not Cali's concern. Thea's _happiness_ was her concern, and right now, shopping was apparently what she needed to stay that way. If she was also relying on drugs, then Cali would let her. Better to plead ignorance. If it got out of hand, she'd deal with it, but for now...

She wanted to go shopping, she decided, shrugging off the blanket she didn't remember going to sleep with and standing up. Thea had picked out skinny jeans and a cashmere sweater - simple, yet elegant. Cali's smile regained its warmth.

Maybe they'd be okay.

.

"Your funeral blew," Tommy informed his friend casually, glancing away from the window. Oliver looked pained, yet carefully polite - it was like he was trying to remember what face he needed to have to fit into the different conversations. Tommy didn't mention his observation. Oliver deserved that much at least.

Oliver settled on a small smile as he returned Tommy's look. "Did you get lucky?"

Tommy grinned widely. "Fish in a barrel. They were so sad..."

Oliver shook his head, his smile widening, becoming a little more real. "No."

"And huggy," Tommy continued. "And I am counting on another target rich environment for your welcome home bash."

There may have been a better way to reveal that, Tommy realised as Oliver floundered for a moment. "At my what?" He asked, looking vaguely panicked.

Tommy counted that as Oliver failing his test. Maybe Cali had been right; this Oliver was a far cry from the Oliver who'd been on that boat. Maybe this Oliver was _too_ different, but was too reluctant to let them see _how_ different. Tommy would have to let him play his game of pretend, let him keep his masks and false smiles. If Oliver still trusted him, then he would reveal it all eventually. Tommy knew that much for certain.

"You came back from the dead," he said innocently. "This calls for a party. You tell me where and when. I'll take care of everything." Oliver just looked out the window, wincing slightly when he saw the people scattered along the sides of the roads. Tommy winced with him. "And this city's gone to crap. Your dad sold his factory just in time." Another silent pause. "And why'd you want to drive through this neighborhood anyway?"

Tommy didn't miss the stiffness to Oliver's shoulders, nor did he miss the way that Oliver's voice hardened, got colder. "No reason," Oliver said lowly. Tommy hummed, but didn't refute the claim. He knew when to drop it. He was surprised when Oliver continued talking, though. "Hey Tommy?"

"Yeah buddy?"

Oliver swallowed, finally returning his attention to his friend. His smile was gone. "While I was...gone, did something happen with Cali? _To_ Cali?"

Ah.

Really, Tommy should have expected this. This Oliver was observant and suspicious and sensitive to every little difference. Of course he would've picked up on the changes to Cali's behaviour, and the way everyone reacted to her because of it.

He took a deep breath. "Cali went through a lot while you were gone," he said carefully, his tone flat and neutral. "It was tough for a while. It was...God, it was really tough. But she got better. She's working at the library now and that gives her something to do with herself during the day."

Oliver didn't reply for a while, staring at Tommy so intently, Tommy thought his skin might spontaneously burst into flames. "There's something you aren't telling me," Oliver said finally, a strange note of acceptance in his voice.

"If Cali wants you to know what happened, she'll be the one to tell you," Tommy said firmly. "It's not my place to blab about it."

Oliver nodded and the intensity to his gaze finally disappeared. Tommy sagged slightly. "Alright," Oliver agreed. "Can we go see Laurel?"

Tommy just blinked at the sudden topic change. "Everyone is happy you're alive," he said, puzzled. "You want to see the one person who isn't?"

Oliver didn't respond.

.

"So you have a crush on my brother?" Cali wrinkled her nose. "That's kind of gross to hear, Critter."

Thea rolled her eyes, taking a long drink of her coffee. "Worst nickname _ever_ ," she muttered to herself. "Anyway, who _doesn't_ have a crush on Tommy?"

" _Me_ ," Cali said pointedly. Thea waved her off, attention drawn to a cute black dress displayed in a shop window. Cali just sighed. "Thea, honey, I am _begging_ you. No more shopping. My arms hurt. I can't feel my feet. Lets just go back to my apartment until school finishes, and then you can go home."

Thea turned pleading eyes upon her friend. "One last shop," she said. "Please? I need a new dress for Ollie's Welcome Home party, and this one is _perfect_."

"Thea, that's the same excuse you've used for literally every other dress today." Cali held her friend's gaze for a moment before dropping her shoulders in defeat. "Alright," she surrendered. "Go on. I'll stay out here and finish my milkshake. But this is the _last one_. Otherwise I'm leaving you here."

Thea beamed. "Thanks Cali!"

Cali shook her head. "Yeah, whatever."

.

_Fingers brushed through her hair gently, nails catching on any tangles and smoothing them out. She hummed, half-awake. The soothing motions didn't stop, but they grew a little lighter as Michael registered her waking up._

_"Hey baby girl," he whispered softly. "Good sleep?"_

_Cali just hummed again, burying back into the blanket that was covering her. Michael fell silent as well, focusing on stroking her hair._

_Three months later, those gentle touches turned into clawed grips and screaming and let go let go letgoletgoletgo-_

.

Cali was just finishing the last mouthful of milkshake when Thea came storming out of the shop, tears bubbling in her eyes. Her phone was held tightly in her hand, and she was grabbing Cali's bicep and dragging her away before Cali could take a breath to ask what was happening.

"We're going home," Thea said sharply, voice thick with tears and panic. "Now. Straight home."

Cali shoved the shopping bags in the car uncaringly, sliding into the front seat and jamming the keys in the ignition. "What's wrong?" She asked, starting the car and throwing it into gear. Thea didn't answer, but her lip quivered. " _Thea_. What's happening?"

Thea very pointedly didn't look at her. "Oliver and Tommy have been kidnapped."

"Oh," Cali managed. Neither of them spoke for the rest of the drive.

.

_"Look kid, Laurel just wanted me to check up on you. She said Tommy was worried." Detective Lance gave her a gentle, searching look. "Is everything okay? Between you and your boyfriend?"_

_Cali took a sharp breath, letting anger coat her features to hide the fear. "I don't appreciate your implications," she said sharply. "Michael and I are doing fine. Tell Tommy and Laurel to keep their noses out of my business. If they don't approve, then they can simply not-approve from a distance. Thank you for your visit, was there anything else I can help you with?"_

_Detective Lance sighed. "No, kid. That's all. Just watch out for yourself."_

_"I've been doing that pretty well so far," Cali said, voice cool. "Thank you for stopping by."_

_She shut the door in his face._

.

"Oh, Thea." Moira swept her daughter into a tight hug. "I was so worried when the school said you weren't there. If the situation weren't so dire, you'd be in trouble."

Thea pulled away from her mother's hold, looking to Walter. "What's happening? How far has the investigation gone?"

Cali wrapped Thea's shaking hand in her own, gripping on tightly as Walter and Moira shared a look. "Detective Lance responded to the call," Moira said carefully. "He's got a team looking for them now."

Cali swallowed thickly. Oh God, Tommy. What if something happened? What if-What if Detective Lance came through the front door with two dead bodies and a whole lot of bad news? Cali wouldn't be able to survive that. No, if she lost Tommy- if she lost Oliver _again_ \- she would also lose part of herself that she would never be able to get back.

"I-" She cut herself off, pressing her lips together tightly. Too much was happening too quickly. She needed...She needed something. _Something_. She needed Tommy and hugs and comfort because Tommy was the one who had kept her together throughout those five long years and if she lost him now, she would unravel in the most ugly way until there was none of her left.

Thea squeezed her hand, but offered her no words of comfort. She couldn't. Thea was a sister too. They were both just two girls who needed their brothers. No matter how much Thea tried to deny it, Oliver held a piece of her spirit. Losing him again, so soon after getting him back, would cripple her.

Moira reached out and drew Cali into a tight hug. Cali let herself go limp in the woman's hold, taking measured breaths so she didn't fall apart. "They'll be okay," Moira promised shakily. "Everything will be okay."

Cali choked on a small whimper. "What if I lose him, Moira?" She felt a hand gently rub against her shoulder. "What if I lose them both?"

Moira drew back. "I won't lose my baby again," she swore grimly, "and I will not let you lose your brother. You and Tommy are both dear to me, and I love you both as though you were my own children. They'll be okay. I promise, they will be okay."

Cali sniffled, letting Thea burrow into her side. "Alright," she said, gripping onto her fraying edges and holding them tightly. She wouldn't fall apart until they knew for certain one way or the other. "Okay."

Walter offered them both a small smile. "I think Raisa made some hot chocolate. Come, we'll wait in the living room."

Silently, the four of them moved to the living room where Cali and Thea collapsed on the couch, still tangled in each other. Thea was trembling hard enough that Cali's arm was starting to hurt. She didn't say anything about it, just held the young Queen girl tighter and closed her eyes.

She started to pray.

.

_"Thea, please don't." Cali was begging now, trying desperately to grip onto Thea before she could put herself in danger. "Everything's fine. You don't need to ask Michael anything."_

_Thea whirled on her, eyes alight with protective, indignant fury. "Look at me and tell me that you love him," she hissed wildly. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that you trust him, that he isn't laying a hand on you, that all of this isn't his doing." She motioned to the mottled bruises on Cali's wrist._

_Cali bowed her head. "Please," she whispered, voice broken. "Thea, he's going to hurt you. I don't want to put you in that position."_

_"So you'd rather it be you?" Thea shook her head. "I can look after myself, Cali."_

_"Please," Cali whispered again, like a broken record. "Please. Please."_

_Please._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys are recovered. Tommy and Cali's relationship faces another obstacle. Malcolm Merlyn makes some threats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoop, chapter four. we're getting there, very slowly. enjoying it so far?  
> as always, leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"I will set my soul on fire  
What have I become? I'm sorry"_   
**TWENTY-ONE PILOTS - _'Ode to Sleep'_**

.

"I got a car bringing them both here right now," Detective Lance said plainly, sitting opposite them on one of the chairs. His face softened when he met Cali's eyes, a glimpse of paternal care shining through under his distaste for the Queen family. "They're mostly unharmed. Tommy has a concussion. Oliver just has a few bruises."

Cali relaxed into Thea. "Thank you, Detective," she sighed. "Do we know who did it?"

Lance frowned. "My partner has the full report. I'm not optimistic about identifying the men, but we'll try. It'll help if either of the boys can give us an account of what happened."

"Who would want to kidnap Oliver?" Thea asked quietly. "Or Tommy, for that matter? It doesn't make sense."

"Your family has a lot of enemies, Ms. Queen." Lance's voice cooled slightly. "Your brother is quite the trouble-maker. It makes sense that someone held a grudge and decided to take advantage of his lack of stability after his miraculous return."

Thea's muscles tightened, her shoulders stiffening. Cali shot him a warning look. She knew, better than most, the _pain_ that stung Quinten Lance every time he laid eyes on Oliver Queen, or a photo of Sara. He'd lost a daughter, and it was all too easy to blame the easy victim, but that didn't give him the right to drag Oliver's name through the dirt in front of the Queen family.

_They'd_ lost someone on that boat too.

Lance raised his hands in defeat, flicking his attention to his phone as it vibrated on the table. "They're here."

Immediately, Thea was out of her seat and hurrying to the front door, Cali and Moira not far behind. Walter stayed seated with Detective Lance, both of them readying themselves for the chaotic storm that was about to sweep into the room.

"Ollie!" Thea squealed loudly as her brother was led through the front door. That was all the warning Oliver had before he had an armful of frantic Thea, whose shaking shoulders were proof that she was trying not to cry again. "Oh my god, are you okay?"

"Speedy," he laughed, holding her just as tightly as she was holding him. "Hey, calm down. I'm fine." He spared Cali a look and moved aside so Tommy could shuffle forward. "We're both just fine."

Cali would have to speak to Oliver about his definition of 'fine' because Tommy didn't look _fine_.

His face was sallow and pale, eyes unfocused. His hands shook minutely - small tremors that made his fingers twitch. "Cali?" He said, reaching for her.

She immediately stepped into his embrace. "Oh Tommy," she sighed into his shoulder. "What am I going to do with you?"

His long exhale stirred some of the loose hair on her head. "Sorry for worrying you."

She drew back and cupped his cheek with her hand. He was hot to touch. "You didn't _ask_ to be kidnapped," she said firmly. "There's no need to apologise for something like this."

"Still." Tommy reached up and grabbed the hand that was touching his face. He gave her an earnest look, some of the concussion-related glaze fading from his eyes. "I'm sorry for worrying you."

She allowed herself to smile. Tommy mirrored the action, but it was ruined as he winced in pain. Right. Concussion. "Come on," Cali said, tugging on his hand. "I'll get Raisa to get you a cool cloth. You're flushed. Detective Lance will ask you a few questions and then you can get some rest." She looked over at Oliver and Thea, both of whom were looking back at her already. " _Both_ of you can get some rest," she said firmly.

Oliver just pulled a face that very clearly said that he would not be resting. Cali resisted the urge to throw her hands up. Barely.

Slowly, the party moved into the living room, the second detective moving over to confer with Lance. Cali let her attention drift over to their murmured conversation, taking note of the sketch that was passed between them. Hm.

Detective Lance cleared his throat once everyone was settled. "Alright," he started, frowning down at the papers in his hands. "Mr Queen, could I ask you to please recount your experience, with an explanation as to why I have a sketch of some strange hooded figure in my hands?"

Slowly, but clearly, Oliver told his story, each sentence more unbelievable than the last. How ridiculous - some masked vigilante swooped in to save them? Starling City didn't even _have_ a vigilante!

Obviously, Lance shared Cali's disbelief. "So that's your story?" He asked incredulously. "A guy in a green hood flew in and single-handedly took out 3 armed kidnappers. I mean, who is he? Why would he do that?"

Oliver pursed his lips. "I don't know. Find him and you can ask."

Lance scoffed. "Yeah. What about you?" He turned his attention to Tommy, who blinked at the sketch that was suddenly in front of him. "You see the hood guy?"

A glimmer of sharp cunning and suspicion flickered over Tommy's face, and Cali's tight grip on his hand loosened in surprise. "I saw..." Tommy very subtly glanced at Oliver, "...Just movement. Everything was blurry. I was kind of out of it."

A lie. Tommy was lying. He knew something. Or at least suspected something. Cali drew her hand back and pressed it against her stomach. Tommy didn't acknowledge the movement, but his hand twitched as if he wanted to reach out to her.

"Yeah," Lance focused back on Oliver, lips twisted. "It's funny, isn't it? One day back, and already somebody's gunning for you. Aren't you popular?"

Cali made a small noise of protest in the back of her throat. Oliver didn't deserve to be grilled as if he were anything other than an innocent victim. "What happened to innocent until proven guilty?"

Lance's attention remained on Oliver's impassive face. "I _know_ that Oliver here is guilty of a lot of things. It's which ones I can charge him with in a Court of Law that interest me."

"Were you able to identify the men?" Moira's voice was icy.

Lance's partner cleared his throat, shuffling his feet slightly to draw the attention off Lance. "Scrubbed identities, untraceable weapons," he explained. "These were pros."

"Yeah," Lance added. "Well, they probably figured you'd pay a king's ransom to get your boy back - or a Queen's ransom, as it were." His tone shifted, sharpening until it could cut to the core. "After all, a parent would do anything to keep their child safe."

Moira laid a hand on Oliver's wrist protectively. "I don't find your tone appropriate, Detective."

Walter, sensing the unspoken accusations and silent tension, spoke up. He pasted on a practiced, polite smile. "If Oliver can think of anything else, he'll be in touch. Thank you, gentlemen, for coming."

Lance chuckled bitterly, eyeing Oliver with a predatory look. "Your luck never seems to run out, does it?"

Oliver said nothing as the two detectives left.

Moira shook her head in disapproval, gripping onto Oliver's hands. "Don't listen to him, Oliver," she said, her face impossibly soft and open. "What happened to Sara wasn't your fault. Quinten Lance is just a man grieving for his child. It doesn't give him the right to accuse you like that, but it is understandable."

"Mom," Oliver whispered, looking at her sadly. "Don't."

"Don't what?"

Oliver looked away, lips pressed together as he didn't answer. He turned to face Tommy and Cali, giving them both a tight, miserable smile. Cali smiled back at him sadly, but Tommy just steadily ignored him.

Cali pursed her lips, trying to keep a hold of her growing temper. Moments ago, she'd been sick with worry, and now here Tommy was, keeping secrets. Here _Oliver_ was, lying through his teeth with a perfect smile. And everyone believed him. Everyone believed _Tommy_.

"Excuse me," she said briskly, standing up. Tommy very carefully did not look at her. "I think I need some air."

"What?" Thea blinked up at her, voice colored with indignant confusion. "Cali, they just go back after being _kidnapped_ and you're leaving?"

"I said I need some air, Thea," Cali said, eyes narrowing in warning. She loved Thea as though the Queen girl was her sister, but she would not hesitate to wrap a shield of bitterness and scathing anger around herself just to keep Thea away. It had happened before, with Michael. Cali wasn't afraid to let it happen again.

Surprisingly, it was Oliver who spoke up. His sharp eyes followed Cali as she gathered herself. "Let her go, Speedy. She won't go far."

"What are you, my keeper?" Cali scoffed, shaking her head. Any sort of mournful sympathy she'd harboured for him during Lance's questioning evaporated instantly, drying up under the heat of her anger. Oliver was a grown man. He didn't need her _coddling_ him. "I'll be back in an hour."

"That's a long time to 'get some air'," Tommy said quietly. He still refused to look at her.

Cali didn't say anything as she spun on her heel and stormed out the same door Detective Lance had left through. The boys could keep their secrets. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Oliver had come back to them with an edge to his voice and a wall in his eyes, and Cali wasn't about to turn herself into a wrecking ball to break through. That wasn't her place. Oliver was his own person - he was entitled to his secrets.

Tommy though...After Michael, Cali had been so _sure_ that they were done keeping secrets between them. Unless it was something like a surprise celebration, they told each other _everything_. That's just how it had been for the five years Oliver had been gone.

Now Oliver was back, and Tommy was hiding things.

Obviously some things never changed.

"Parker, I need you to drive me back to my apartment," she said kindly to her driver, who was waiting by the door with one of her jackets. Raisa stood beside him, lips twisted in a sad smile. Cali nodded at her, allowing Parker to place the jacket over her shoulders. "I have a party to get ready for."

"Of course, Ms. Cali." Parker held his arm out, and Cali gladly latched onto it and let him lead her out to the front doors and down to the car. Of course, everyone but Tommy and Thea disapproved of such familiarity between Cali and her driver, but they didn't understand that Parker had been there for her through _everything_.

Parker hadn't asked questions when she requested that he drive her around the city every night until she fell asleep in the background. In her opinion, he wasn't paid enough.

Gently, he got her settled in the backseat of the car. Cali laid her head back against the headrest and let out a long, tired sigh. She was so sick of everything. She was exhausted and her muscles ached. Today had already been too long and there was still so much left to do before she could go to sleep.

"I was so relieved when he came back," she said to the window once Parker started driving. He hummed in response. "I mean, it was a miracle. Oliver Queen - not dead. I got to see him, and hold him, and _know_ that he was back with us. But...But he's _not_. He's not with us, and that's almost _worse_ , and I'm so _tired_ of things getting worse."

Parker turned a corner. "I have faith that you can handle it, Miss Cali."

For a heartbeat, Cali just let the whole situation lie. She let Oliver and Tommy and Thea roll off her shoulders, and she took a deep breath. "I don't want to," she admitted in a whisper, and just like that, phantom hands encircled her wrists and started to drag her right back down again. "I don't want to handle it. I just want to wake up and go to work and come home and sleep. I want a normal life. I want to forget about Oliver Queen and Michael Martin and-and-"

She broke off, biting her bottom lip hard enough that the skin split and blood started to tint her mouth. God, the ever-tightening spiral of panic was getting _too_ tight again. She was tipping backwards, teetering on the edge of the cliff that she'd just climbed up. If she fell, she would end up that broken girl who couldn't get out of bed in the mornings.

Cali didn't want to be that girl again.

Parker said nothing more, and Cali let those invisible hands grip her tight and drag her back under the water. She was too tired to fight them.

The rest of the car trip was silent.

.

_"Dad still hasn't visited?" Tommy sighed at the lack of an answer, jamming his hands in his pockets. "Listen, Detective Lance says that Michael is going to be put away for a long time. You won't have to see him ever again. Laurel's offered to represent you in court."_

_Cali blinked sluggishly, keeping her gaze locked on the world beyond the hospital room window. "I don't care," she whispered._

_"I can call Dad again if you want-"_

_"I don't care."_

_Tommy sighed again, dropping his chin to his chest. After a second or two, he looked back up. Cali never twitched. "I know it's hard." His voice trembled. He swallowed and counted to five in his head before trying to speak again. "I know that...that Thea got hurt, but that wasn't your fault. Michael, he...he's not a good person. You have no control over that-"_

_"Please leave." Cali's hands gripped at the blanket tight enough that Tommy could see veins starting to bulge._

_"Sis-"_

_"Leave."_

_"Cali, c'mon-"_

_"Get_ out _!" The last word was bellowed, and Tommy could only bow his head in defeat as Cali threw her head back into the soft pillows. The heart monitor had sped up enough that a nurse was speed-walking toward the room. Tommy breathed out his goodbyes before fleeing._

_He called his father. He got no response._

.

"We've arrived, Ms. Cali." Parker's voice was professional, but soft, and Cali blinked open her eyes to stare at the familiar front of her apartment block. "Do you require me to stay?"

"If you wouldn't mind Parker," Cali answered lightly, offering him a small smile. "It shouldn't take me very long to get ready, and then we can return to the Queen's mansion. You're free after that."

Parker dipped his head, and Cali climbed out of the car, inhaling deeply through her nose. Starling City was a bit of a grotty city, so overall it didn't have a great smell, but her apartment was right next to a bakery, and the air always seemed to smell like vanilla.

The familiar scent steadied her, forced the dizzy sense of exhaustion to recede, if only a little bit. It was the smell of home and safety, the smell she associated with laughter and afternoons with Tommy and bright sunshine.

Her apartment was on the second floor, and she was grateful for it today. A headache had bloomed during the drive over, and she really just wanted a shower and some painkillers. In fact, if it wasn't for Oliver, she wouldn't be going to the party at all. It was purely the knowledge that she was celebrating her best friend that spurred her to keep going. Oliver always did have that power over her.

She reached her front door after a short ride in the elevator, digging her keys out of the pocket of her jacket. God, she was going to drink an entire container of painkillers just to get rid of this damn _headache-_

Her door was already unlocked.

Cali's hand froze on the doorknob, her keys clinking against the wood harmlessly as the door started to ease open. It couldn't have been an accident - she always triple-checked that she'd locked it properly. She'd definitely locked it when she'd left for lunch with Tommy. She hadn't been home since then, because she'd crashed at Tommy's place while getting ready for the dinner and then she'd stayed the night at the mansion and then she'd gone shopping and-

Someone was in her apartment.

Quietly, she slipped inside, closing the door behind her silently. The benefit of being friends with Detective Quinten Lance was that she'd participated in far too many self-defensive and boxing lessons. Calissa Merlyn was far from helpless. Whoever had decided to break into her apartment was about to learn that lesson the hard way.

"Put your fists away, daughter. I'm not a threat."

Well shit.

Cali sighed, letting some of the tension dissipate from her body. She didn't relax completely though - Malcolm Merlyn may not be a physical threat, but he was dangerous nonetheless. She could never be too careful around him.

"Malcolm," she said tiredly, feeling the earlier elation brought on by the smell of the bakery splutter out. "What are you doing here?"

Malcolm turned away from the window, quirking an eyebrow. "It's nice to see you too," he said casually. "Thank you for your warm welcome."

Cali gave him a droll look. "Sorry," she said dryly. "Let me try again." Immediately, she pulled her lips into an over-exaggerated smile and put on the most ridiculously high-pitched voice she could. " _Hi_ Dad! I'm _so_ glad you came over without asking and broke into my apartment! I really love it when you drop by and completely ruin my day!" She dropped the act and crossed her arms. "That better?"

Malcolm just let out a breath and shook his head. "I don't know what I expected."

"Sure. What do you want?" Cali started shrugging off her jacket, setting her keys in the dish on the table by the door.

Malcom just watched for a moment, his gaze heavy on her back. She could _feel_ him watching her, his eyes burning holes in her shoulders as she took her time doing things she really didn't have to do. It wasn't until she'd exhausted the trinkets by her door and she turned around to face her father that Malcolm began to speak.

"I wanted to check on you," he said calmly, fondness and concern clouding his dark eyes. Cali bit back a snort. "I heard Oliver was back - I just wanted to make sure you were handling the whole thing okay. God knows your brother must be over-the-moon."

Cali plastered on a tight smile. " _Tommy_ is adjusting," she said, her voice steely. "I'm adjusting as well. Having Oliver just magically arise from the dead isn't easy on _anyone_ at the moment."

"Of course, of course, I didn't mean to imply anything." Malcolm's entire expression sharpened. "I trust that Oliver's... _adjusting_ well?"

Right. Of course. Malcolm Merlyn never came to visit his children unless he wanted something. Cali knew that. She didn't know why she was so disappointed in him now. "Oliver is _fine_." She met her father's inquisitive gaze head-on and lifted her chin. "That's all you're getting from me. I'm not going to help you torment an innocent family."

"Torment?" Malcolm repeated with a laugh. "God, Calissa, is that what you think of me? I don't want to hurt the Queen family. Moira is my friend. You, Tommy, Oliver and Thea are practically siblings. Why would I try and hurt them?"

"I don't know, why _would_ you want to hurt them?"

Malcolm's jaw clenched at her tone, and he took a deep breath. He'd never appreciated her challenging him, but Cali wasn't a scared little girl anymore. Malcolm may be her father, but he had no power over her anymore. "Fine," Malcolm surrendered. "Fine. I was trying to care about my own daughter, but I see now that she doesn't want anyone to care about her-"

Cali bit out a sharp, barking laugh. " _Really?"_ She said incredulously. "You're trying to spin this so that _you're_ the victim?"

"I'm not _spinning_ anything!" Any sense of gentle calm had completely left Malcolm, and he drew his shoulders back as his face dropped into a cold sort of anger. "You know, Tommy chewed me out after you were in hospital. He said that I should care about my children, not abandon them. If this is what I get for trying to be a good father, I refuse to feel guilty for it."

Jesus Christ, Cali could _not_ deal with this that today. "Get out," she said icily, raising a hand to rub at her temple. Her headache was reaching migraine levels now. Her stomach roiled.

Malcolm stared at her for a moment. "Your mother would be disappointed in you," he said, as if that sentence would win this battle.

Cali dropped her hand to glare at him. "Are you sure _I'm_ the one she'd be disappointed in?" She snapped. "Because I'm pretty sure I'm looking at the disappointment in this family, and I'm not looking in a mirror."

Evidently, it was the wrong thing to say. Malcolm stiffened, his face shuttering. When he spoke, his voice was dark and guttural. _"How dare you speak to me that way,"_ he hissed.

"How dare _I_?" Cali hissed back. "How dare _you_! If you want to throw Mom in my face, then you better prepare for me to throw her right back at you."

Malcolm took a step forward, fists clenched by his sides. Cali took a step back. Malcolm took another step forward. Cali continued to back away. It wasn't until her back hit the wall that she realised she had absolutely nowhere to go. Malcolm towered over her, eyes dark and dangerous. She wasn't short, not by a long shot, but something about her father had always made her feel small.

She pressed further into the wall as Malcolm put a hand beside her head and leaned right down to whisper in her ear. He didn't raise his voice above a soft whisper - it was a deceptively gentle and soothing tone of voice. "If you _dare_ to speak to me like that again," he purred, "or if you use Rebecca against me in a futile attempt to hurt me, I _will_ take away everything that you love. I _will_ force you to return to me - you will live with me, and work for me, and you won't ever disobey me again. You are my daughter, and you _will_ listen to me."

Cali took a shaking breath, desperately trying to blink back the fearful tears that were bubbling up in her eyes. She wouldn't cry in front of Malcolm. He didn't deserve to have that kind of effect on her. "Go to hell," she breathed as Malcolm drew back.

He grinned wolfishly at her. "I'll meet you there, shall I?"

"Get out."

He stepped away from her, fixing his suit jacket. The small, victorious smirk never left his face. He took his time in getting to her front door, and he hesitated with his hand resting on the doorknob. "Oh," he said innocently, as though he hadn't just threatened her. "Enjoy the promotion at the library. It wasn't easy to convince them to fire the old Head, but I'm pretty sure the significant sum I offered them did the trick. Have a good night."

When he finally closed the door behind him, Cali sank down until she was sitting on the floor and took long, deep breaths until she didn't feel like she was about to throw up. She pulled out her phone to call Parker.

She still had that damn party to go to.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver has as Welcome Home party. Tommy has emotions. John Diggle had a sense of humour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is crawling, I know. There's still a lot to go through before we start chunking up the action stuff.

_"You are one of God's mistakes  
You crying, tragic waste of skin"_  
**PLACEBO - _'Song to Say Goodbye'_**

.

By the time Cali walked into the bar where Oliver's Welcome Home bash was happening, Oliver was already up on the table, proclaiming to the crowd that he missed tequila. Tommy was watching him with a wide grin, completely oblivious to the late arrival of his sister. It wasn't until she reached out and touched his arm that he startled and became aware of her presence.

"Cali!" He cheered loudly, sweeping her into a tight hug. "Hey! Glad you could make it - I got a bit worried when you rang and said you weren't coming back to the mansion first. Did something happen?"

Before she could answer, Oliver was fighting his way back to them, another man trailing him. "Hey Cali," he greeted lightly. "You okay? We were all a bit concerned when you changed plans so suddenly."

She offered them both tight smiles. "Yeah, I'm okay. I just...had a visit from my father. It shook me a little."

Immediately, Tommy's expression soured. His casual hold on her shoulder got tighter. "Did he do anything?" He demanded. "Say anything? I won't hesitate to go and kick his ass if he did something."

Cali spared Oliver a quick look, taking in the sharp look in his eyes. He was studying them, and learning about them, and analysing them. His casual mask had crumbled. She could _see_ him. "No," she answered Tommy, looking away from Oliver. "Nothing happened. I'm fine. I just hate dealing with him." She flicked her attention to the man who was hovering by Oliver's shoulder. "Hello."

He smiled warmly, offering his hand. She took it and shook it firmly. "John Diggle," he introduced. "I'm Oliver's bodyguard."

Cali returned his smile. "Calissa Merlyn. Cali, if you would, please." She gave Oliver a teasing look. "Glad to know someone _else_ is finally starting to look after this one. It was getting a bit difficult on my own."

"I've been back two days," Oliver protested. "It couldn't have been _that_ difficult!"

Cali just shared an amused look with John. John said, "Are you gonna tell him, or should I?" Cali laughed loudly as Oliver grumbled to himself, feeling the weight of the evening slowly start to drift away. It was nice - Oliver was back, Tommy seemed to be in a much better mood, and the new John Diggle seemed to share her sense of humour. She was among friends.

Tommy nudged Oliver. "Now, by my rough estimate, you have not had sex in 1,839 days."

Cali snorted. "Jeez, Tommy, why are you keeping count? That's a little obsessive."

Tommy sent her a sharp glare that did absolutely nothing against her cheeky amusement. He shifted his attention back to Oliver, whose mask had slipped back into place during the brief time Tommy had been talking. "As your wingman," Tommy continued, "I highly recommend Carmen Golden."

Cali guessed that Oliver was merely humouring Tommy at this point - she had a sneaking suspicion that Oliver hadn't come back from that island to give a damn about some random chicks at a club. "Which one is she?" Oliver asked, playing along.

Tommy nodded vaguely at the crowd. "The one who looks like the chick from _'Twilight'_."

Oliver just blinked. "What's _'Twilight' _?"__

"You're so better off not knowing," Cali interjected, grimacing a little. John made a sound of agreement beside her, and she nudged her elbow back to jostle him, beaming up at him. She liked the man already, and she'd only known him all of about three minutes. 

__Oliver's gaze snagged on someone in the audience and his spine straightened, whatever faux amusement he'd been pasting on his face falling away. Cali followed his line of sight and merely sighed at the sight of Thea. Right. This was totally Thea's scene. Cali _knew_ she'd seen Thea's dealer on the way in._ _

__"Back in a minute," Oliver said gruffly, trying and failing to keep the atmosphere lax._ _

__John gave Cali and Tommy a tired, long-suffering look and immediately plunged through the crowds after Oliver. Tommy inhaled sharply before taking a long drink. "What a perfect evening," he muttered. "Truly, I'm so glad that Oliver's back."_ _

__Cali raised an eyebrow. "Where's all this bitterness coming from?" She asked. Tommy looked away. "Tommy. What's wrong?"_ _

__He opened his mouth, and she could see the _"nothing"_ forming on his tongue, but Tommy didn't say it. Instead, his gleeful expression disappeared under a stone mask of blankness. The weight that has been lifting from Cali's shoulders crashed back down immediately. Something was wrong, even if Tommy wouldn't admit it._ _

__Tommy had the bad habit of _not_ talking about things that he really _should_ talk about. He's gotten that from their mother. Or at least, Cali _thought_ he did. That's what Malcolm had said, once he'd come home after being completely MIA for two years._ _

__Tommy took another drink before setting his glass on the counter. "Do you think it's good to have him back?" He asked, keeping his eyes fixed on the bustling crowd. If Cali concentrated, she could see Oliver and Thea, seemingly in the middle of a heated conversation. "Like, were we right to want him back so badly?"_ _

__"What do you mean?" Cali asked quietly._ _

__Tommy gestured at the Queen siblings. "For fuck's sake, look at him. He's not Ollie. I'm not even sure he's _Oliver_." His voice dropped to a murmur. "How'd he manage to change so much if he was on an island?"_ _

__Understanding crashed through her, and something very, very sad clogged her throat. "Tommy," she said gently, "you think it _was_ him who logged onto his emails in Hong Kong?"_ _

__Tommy's eyes were fractured when he finally, _finally_ , looked at her. "I could have brought him home." His voice splintered. "I could have brought him _home_ before whatever happened that made him so...so... _angry_ and _defensive_. I don't recognise this Oliver."_ _

__Oh. _This_ is what had made him so quiet after the kidnapping. And she'd gotten _angry_ at him for it._ _

__Cali knew how much her brother had agonised over the Hong Kong situation. She hadn't gone with him, purely because someone had to stay behind and smooth things over with their father. When Tommy had returned to Starling City with stories of kidnappers and ghosts, Cali had held him as he'd cried and she'd been the one to keep Malcolm away when Tommy had gone almost-feral with grief._ _

__So yes, she completely understood why he was agonising over it now. Because maybe it _had_ been Oliver logging on - and then someone had likely picked up the same signal Tommy had and taken advantage of the moment. But then...how had Oliver _gotten_ to Hong Kong? Wasn't he supposed to be on the island for the full five years?_ _

__Something didn't feel right._ _

__Regardless, Cali knew she had to calm Tommy down now, before he shoved it all back down inside and ended up imploding. "Hey, listen to me," she said, placing a hand on his arm. "There was nothing any of us could have done. You know that Moira did _everything_ she could to try and find him. _You_ did everything you could. We all thought Oliver was dead. There was no helping that. It was his choice not to come home. We may not understand why, but we have to just let him be about it."_ _

__"It's not _fair_." Tommy shook his head, his earlier anguish melting into a simmering anger. "We mourned him for _years_. If he had gotten off that island earlier, why didn't he contact us? Why didn't he let us know that he was _okay_?"_ _

__Cali blew out a long breath. Okay. Time to try something else. "How did he end up back on the island then?" She pointed out. "Who knows, maybe we're being crazy and he _did_ actually spend five years there. Why would he go back if he'd already gotten away from it?"_ _

__She could tell that the question had quietened Tommy's inner angst, if only for a short while. She knew it would continue to eat him up, and later, she'd end up having to fix the wound that had torn open the minute Oliver had been found, but that was okay. She'd do anything for the brother that had done _everything_ for her._ _

__Tommy shook himself, his expression clearing as he returned his full attention to the crowds. "Oh," he said flatly. "Laurel's here."_ _

__"Does she have a knife?" Cali sought out Oliver in the crowd, finding him just in time to see him disappear with Laurel, John trailing behind. "I hope not. We just got Oliver back from the dead, I'd hate to return him to it."_ _

__Tommy gave her a dead look. "Not funny, bub."_ _

__Cali grinned. "No? Better buy me a drink then - the alcohol might make my jokes better."_ _

__Tommy rolled his eyes fondly, but linked their arms anyway and led her towards the bartender, already talking about something completely ridiculous._ _

__

__._ _

__  
__

__The evening deteriorated rather quickly after that._ _

__"Starling City Police!" Detective Lance's voice rang out over the music and babble of the crowd, effectively silencing both. "The party's over, kids."_ _

__"Joy," Cali murmured to her brother as the party-goers started booing. "Here we go again. Where's Oliver?" Before she could slip away and go and find her friend, Detective Lance appeared in front of them, mouth pinched in disapproval. He fixated on Tommy. "Oh Mr Merlyn. Imagine my shock at finding you here. Did you roofie anyone special tonight, huh?"_ _

__"Detective!" Cali snapped, just as Oliver appeared beside her._ _

__"Detective!" He echoed. "It's a private party."_ _

__Lance's jaw clenched. "Yeah?" He sneered, something ugly crawling into his expression. "Well, there was an incident at Adam Hunt's building tonight. You know anything about that?"_ _

__Cali frowned. Why would Oliver happen to know anything about something that happened to a guy that Oliver wouldn't have know? Adam Hunt's name had become known to everyone _after_ the Queen's Gambit had sunk. What was Detective Lance insinuating?_ _

__Oliver squinted. "Who's Adam Hunt?"_ _

__Okay, well when he said it like _that_ , Cali could understand Detective Lance's suspicions. Oliver sounded _too_ innocent - he was relying too heavily on his five years away to lend credibility to his innocence. It would wear off very quickly at this rate._ _

Lance grimaced. "He's a millionaire bottom feeder, and I'm kind of surprised you aren't friends." 

Oliver's exaggerated innocence became strained, his jaw tightening and something in his eyes dying. "I've been out of town for-" he cut himself off with a sharp inhale, "-a while.

__

__

Lance didn't buy it, Cali could tell. That man was so _eager_ to blame Oliver - blame him for _something, anything_. God knows that the man already blamed Oliver for Sara's death. "Yeah," Lance said tightly. "Well, he just got attacked by the guy with the hood, the guy that saved your ass the other day." 

Cali immediately looked to Tommy, because the whole incident with the hooded figure had been the spark that had ignited the flames of suspicion in her chest. She was _sure_ Tommy knew something about the guy. She was sure _Oliver_ knew something too. Neither of them had said a word about it to her. 

"The hood guy," Oliver repeated. "You didn't find him?" Lance just gave him a droll look. Oliver grinned. "I'm gonna offer a reward." He raised his voice, addressing everyone in the crowd. "Hey everybody! Two million dollars to anybody who can find a nutbar in a green hood." The crowd cheered back at him, drinks raised in the air. Alcohol sploshed everywhere. Nobody appeared to care. 

Unfortunately, it was evident that Oliver's cool dismissal of the situation had sparked something in Lance. His whole face was bitter and hurting, but his eyes were angry. God, a man who'd lost a daughter was suddenly confronted with the _reason_ she died and then Oliver turned around and made a mockery of everything Lance was working for. 

Cali was almost on his side. Almost. It still didn't give Lance the right to target her family and friends. 

"Detective," she said quietly, moving forward to put a hand on his arm. He stared past her, at Oliver, his mouth set in a grim line. "Quinten. Don't. Not here, not now." 

But her words had no effect. Lance stared straight at Oliver and said, "Did you even _try_ and save her?" His lips were twisted into a half-snarl, a cruelness to his mouth. His police partner murmured something, but Lance ignored him and advanced another step. Cali tightened her grip. "Did you even _try_ to save my daughter?" 

" _Quinten_ ," she said, throat tight at the pain that was displayed clearly on Oliver's face. "That's enough." 

Finally, _finally_ , he looked down at her. His eyes were on fire with anger and heartbreak, but the flames died as she squeezed his arm. "I could never, and will never, understand how you can be friends with these people and not hate yourself." His words were low and cruel, and Cali immediately loosened her grip, jaw slack with surprise. 

A hand landed on her shoulder, familiar in a strange way. "I think-" Tommy's voice was ice, "-that you should go now." 

Lance stared at Cali for another moment, before allowing his partner to lead him away. Even in his absence, Cali could still feel the heat of his glare, the burn of his words, the sheer fury in his voice. Quinten Lance was a man who was dead inside. He had no remorse, no guilt - and yet he called _Oliver_ a monster? 

"It's way too quiet in here!" Oliver cried behind her. "This is a party!" 

Cali's small, hiccuping inhale got lost in the cheer from the crowd. 

Tommy turned her around, pulling her into a tight hug. "You're okay," he said, loud enough that she could hear him over the resumed noise but quiet enough that nobody could overhear. "You know that Lance cares about you. He's just hurt right now. Seeing Oliver must be hard for him." 

"Seeing Oliver is hard for me too." Cali pulled away from her brother, straightening her shoulders. "Just because he's grieving doesn't mean he gets to attack everyone he doesn't like. He's an adult, he should know better." 

Tommy sighed, reaching out a brushing a stray wisp of hair off her face. His fingers shook. The softness of the gesture broke down her walls a little bit more. "I've already called for Parker," Tommy said. "He's waiting outside for you." 

"Tommy, what?" 

"Go home, bub." Tommy looked tired - aged beyond his years. Oliver's disappearance and Cali's subsequent problems had worn him down over time. Guilt churned in her stomach. "I'll tell Oliver something to excuse your absence." 

Cali nodded, pressing her trembling lips together as Tommy brushed a kiss against her forehead. It had been a long day, and an even longer night, and she was ready to sleep for about three years. She needed some time to herself, to sort through everything that had happened. 

Oliver was back. 

Oliver was _back_. 

She ran her fingers through her hair roughly, yanking the strands out of place before smoothing them down again. "Alright," she breathed out, giving up the false pretence of happiness. She was just tired. "Thanks Tommy. I'll see you after work tomorrow?" 

Tommy's smile was dull, but genuine. "I never miss our lunch dates." 

"There's a first time for everything, brother mine." 

Something in Tommy's expression softened. "Go home and get some sleep," he said gently. "I'll see you tomorrow." 

Cali turned on her heel and disappeared into the crowds. 

__

.

Tommy didn't even flinch when Oliver returned to his side. Oliver was angry, and it was evident in his posture and his clenched fist and his even breathing. The Oliver that Tommy had known five years ago hadn't had even breathing. He hadn't known restraint.

Then again, Tommy knew that this wasn't the Oliver he'd known five years ago. But that was okay. Tommy would love him and support him anyway.

"Some coincidence," he said casually, offering Oliver a drink. "I mean, you asking to have your party here, and Hunt getting robbed right next door and by the same guy who rescued us at the warehouse."

Oliver's tense posture tensed even more, silently confirming Tommy's suspicions. Oliver knew something about the hooded figure. Oliver may even _be_ that hooded figure.

Oliver's voice was sharp and deadly when he said, "If I were you, Tommy, I'd just be glad you're alive."

Ice formed on Tommy's bones. "What happened to you on that island?" His voice hitched and stuttered.

Oliver turned a heavy gaze upon him. "A lot," he answered simply. His dark eyes flicked over to the empty spot by Tommy's side and the dangerous edge faded. "Where's Cali?"

For a second, Tommy was loathed to answer. Five years ago, he'd been all too happy to leave Cali in Oliver's care. Not because he didn't care, but because he knew that Oliver wouldn't let anything happen to her. Even before the boat went down, Ollie was good at protecting the people he cared about.

This Oliver scared him enough to make him reconsider. He wasn't sure he could trust this Oliver with the youngest Merlyn.

"She went home," he finally said. "She's working tomorrow and needs the rest. I had her driver come pick her up."

Oliver hummed. "Thanks for the party Tommy." With that, he disappeared back into the crowds. John Diggle, the bodyguard that Tommy was maybe a _little_ afraid of, hovered for an extra beat.

"Would you mind giving this to your sister?" He slipped Tommy a piece of paper with numbers scrawled on it. "If she ever needs anything, get her to call me."

"Why?"

John's expression saddened. "I've fought in a war, Mr Merlyn. I know what it looks like when a haunted soldier is losing their battle."

He followed Oliver into the crowd.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oliver replaces tommy at lunch. malcolm speaks up. cali has a headache and just wants her dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not keen about this chapter, but we're gonna go for it. i feel like the attitude change is too sudden, but i promise it gets explained later on? please bear with me.
> 
> leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on his sword  
Innocence died screaming; honey, ask me, I should know"_   
**HOZIER - _'From Eden'_**

.

Working was hard when you were still trying to cope with the miraculous discovery and subsequent rescue of the best friend you thought to be dead for five years. Multiple times, Cali had been forced to repeat actions and completely redo an entire hour's worth of filing simply because her head wasn't in the right place. Martha, the stupid blonde bitch, simply sniffed at her and muttered comments under her breath about useless billionaires wasting their time.

Cali took great pleasure in ordering the woman to clean up the spilled milkshake in the science non-fiction section. Martha, as her subordinate, had no choice but to paste on a plastic smile and head over with the mop.

She checked her watch. She'd worked back later than she meant to, and her lunch break started in five minutes. The restaurant she was meeting Tommy at was ten minutes away. That was okay, she'd just text him and warn him that she'd be running late.

She pulled out her phone, opening her messages and starting to type before registering that Tommy had already texted her.

_'Can't hang w/ you for lunch today. Meeting w/ Laurel to talk about Ollie. Sorry?'_

Son of a bitch. _Son of a bitch_. Was he serious? He'd literally told her _last night_ that he'd _never_ miss a lunch date with her. And he'd ditched her for _Laurel_? Of course, Dinah Laurel Lance. She always had to save the world and drag poor, foolish men along with her.

Oh, don't get her wrong, Cali supported Laurel. She was a strong girl, and didn't take shit from anybody, but she had an inferiority complex and self-worth issues massive enough to crush the entire planet. Why Tommy had fallen for her, of all people, Cali would never know.

Swallowing down her hurt, Cali simply texted, _'Okay.'_

She shoved her phone back in her bag, sitting at her desk with a heavy sigh. At least she didn't have to cancel any sort of booking. The best part of being a billionaire was that she and Tommy had a table permanently reserved for them, which meant that she hadn't booked it, which meant she didn't have to cancel. If she didn't show up, they'd still hold the table for her.

Grabbing a hair tie, she pulled her hair into a loose bun, settling a pair of reading glasses on her nose. If Tommy had cancelled on her, then there was no reason to stop working. Especially now that she had to refile all this paperwork. It would take her almost her entire lunch break to fix it all up.

Ten minutes into her filing and there was a knock on the door. Cali huffed, juggling several folders and keeping her attention on the filing cabinet as she struggled to make sure the folders didn't fall. "Martha, I swear if you're here to bitch about the kids, I'm going to make you reshelve the entirety of the fauna section."

"I'm not sure Martha deserves to be tortured like that."

Cali jolted in surprise, dumping the files in any random space that would fit them and whirling around. "Oliver!" She squeaked.

Oliver smiled, leaning casually against the door frame. He was dressed down today - jeans, a plain navy sweater and some casual running shoes. He looked a little more settled into his skin today, and something in Cali's chest eased. She hadn't realised that she still harboured a lingering worry that Oliver would float away during the night and they'd never see him again.

"I asked Tommy when you had lunch. I hope I'm not too late?"

Cali's earlier elation at seeing her friend had faded, and something bitter twisted in her stomach. "You're fine. Tommy cancelled on me anyway." There was a bite to her tone.

Oliver winced. "Ouch. I've been away for a long time, but I'm not blind. You two are close."

There's a hidden question buried there, covered carefully by layers of faux innocence and too-casual wonder. Oliver's eyes sharpened with cunning, and his smile was too fixed to be anything but a ploy. A sudden wash of indignant anger crashed through Cali and she offered her own tight smile.

"We can get a drink," she suggested lightly, already reaching for her bag. Even if Oliver declined, she had to get out of that damned office. "There's a cafe down on the corner that makes the best musk-vanilla milkshakes in the whole city."

Oliver laughed, the dangerous look in his eyes fading once more. "Not coffee?" He asked, falling in step beside her as she exited the office space.

Cali met the eyes of Nancy, an older lady who mainly ran reception at the library. Nancy winked. "No," Cali answered, screwing her nose up both at the suggestion of the vile drink and at Nancy's implications. "Coffee is disgusting and I can't believe my brother drinks so much of it."

"Not even iced coffee?"

"Oliver, if coffee was a person, I would burn their house down. I don't discriminate. _All_ coffee shares my loathing."

Oliver laughed again, low and rich. Some of the tension eased from his shoulders as he settled into the outing.

He always seemed so tense nowadays, Cali mused. It was as if he was always on guard, constantly vigilant. He never seemed to completely relax. It was probably an after-effect of being alone for five years in a hostile environment. Still, it was a shame that he didn't think he was safe, even around _her_. That lost trust wouldn't easily be won back.

"So I hear you're coming back from the dead tomorrow," she said easily, shoving the troubling thoughts away. Oliver's breathing hitched slightly beside her, and her heart jumped to match. Sympathy licked at her chest. "Are you afraid?"

"Of course not." Oliver's voice was rough with the lie. "It's just telling a judge that I'm still alive. I'm not the one doing the paperwork."

Cali hummed lightly, reaching down and grabbing onto Oliver's hand. His grip tightened reflexively, and she wondered if there would come a time where she would go to comfort him and he would lash out. She didn't care. She just wanted to help him.

She squeezed his hand. "It's not a weakness to be afraid," she said quietly, focusing on her walking. "It won't be easy to stand there and recount your story for a general audience. Your experiences were probably harrowing and definitely should only be told because _you_ want to tell them, not because the world wants to know that you're alive."

Oliver let out a measured breath. "Okay."

"Okay," Cali echoed.

Okay.

.

_Thea's face was too close to Cali's. The Merlyn girl could feel Thea's breath on her cheek and squeezed her eyes shut as Thea surveyed her with cool eyes._

_"I'm going to kill him." Thea's voice was low and angry, and Cali did not doubt that she would go through with her threat. Ever since Ollie had died, Thea had stepped up and become the sister Cali hadn't realised she needed. Sure she had Tommy, and she loved her brother with her entire being, but Thea had such a different energy._

_This time, Cali wondered if she should have gone to Tommy instead. "Please don't," she said. "It's not his fault. I broke another glass. He's been so stressed lately, you know?"_

_"Cali, this is abuse."_

_"It's not."_

_Girls like Cali didn't get abused. Not when Cali was rich and pretty and strong. She wasn't being abused. She wasn't. Michael just got grumpy when she broke things. And Malcolm had been working him so hard lately. She could understand why he had such a short temper. She forgave him. She loved him. He took care of her - like Ollie had before he'd gotten on the Queen's Gambit and disappeared._

_Thea's lips thinned in disapproval. "I'm telling Mom."_

_Cali's shoulders slumped in defeat. She didn't particularly want Moira to know, but she knew there would be no convincing Thea otherwise. "Okay," she agreed heavily. "But Moira isn't to do anything. I won't have others taking over my relationship."_

_Thea shook her head, even as she uttered an 'okay', but Moira never interfered until it was Thea who was being carted away in an ambulance, Cali unconscious beside her._

_._

Cali sighed tiredly, stretching as the draw to the filing cabinet slid shut. She'd been ready to go home almost two hours ago, but Martha had dumped a whole new pile of paperwork on her desk. New orders, author information, schools that requested time with some librarians for various reasons. It was a lot to work through, so she'd gone overtime. Martha had been unrepentant when she'd come in to clock off and Cali had still been working through the files.

The milkshake she'd had when her and Oliver had gone for a walk did little to keep her hunger at bay, and Cali grabbed her phone out with all intentions of calling Tommy. Maybe he could spare some time to have dinner with her. Instead, she had a missed call from Malcolm and a text from Tommy himself, warning her that their father was hunting for her.

"Great," she muttered to herself, even as she tucked her phone back in her bag and focused on properly closing up the library. It wasn't until she'd successfully locked the door behind her that she allowed herself to grab her phone once more and dial Malcolm.

The line connected almost instantly. "Daughter," Malcolm greeted. "So glad you could return my call so promptly."

Cali rubbed at the spot between her eyebrows. That fucking headache was getting bad again. "What's wrong?" She asked bluntly. "And can it wait until tomorrow?"

Malcolm's voice softened slightly, genuine concern taking over the stiff formality that had been present before. "Is everything alright?"

"I'm okay," Cali promised, too tired to fight her father today. In fact, part of her longed to go to him and allow him to dote on her. She could always rely on him to love her. He always forgave her for her foolish actions, always loved her. The longing for some gentle affection seeped down to her _bones_.

Sometimes she forgot why she hated him so.

"Talk to me, Calico." Malcolm sounded so...so soft and _gentle_ when he called her that. It was a stupid nickname that he'd come up with when she was little, before her mother had died. Hearing it now...Cali felt very much like that young girl. "What's wrong?"

Cali hesitated. This was the man who'd threatened her only a day ago. He'd made her cry, had used his venomous anger to tear her down. He'd _bought_ her the position in the library. Why should she trust him now?

But _she'd_ been the one who'd made him angry. She'd been such a bitch to him, even when he was trying his best. She'd made him angry, and he'd reacted accordingly. It wasn't his fault. He loved her. She should love him back.

"I've got a headache," she answered finally, voice trembling. She wanted her _father_ , was that so wrong? "It hasn't gone away for _days_. It's starting to wear on me."

Malcolm let out a breath, warmth melting away the last of the business man mask. For a moment, he sounded just like the father she remembered from her childhood. "Tommy hasn't tried to help?"

"Tommy doesn't know." _Because he's too busy with Laurel to worry about me._

"Ah." Malcolm was quiet for a moment, and Cali started walking back to her own car. Usually, Parker drove her around, but she loved driving to the library so she drove on her own. It gave her the freedom to come and go as she chose. "Your brother is complicated. He likes to flit between wasteful hobbies and he pursues pretty things that catch his fancy. I'm sure that once his latest fascination with the reporter girl burns out, he'll return to you."

That wasn't an accurate assessment of Tommy at _all_ , and Cali opened her mouth to say exactly that, but instead, all that came out was a rattling choked-off breath. She swallowed sharply, but she couldn't take the sound back. "He cancelled lunch today," she said, and she wasn't sure why. Maybe because she was so sick of not being able to trust the people she loved.

She wanted her _dad_.

"I'm sending a car for you," Malcolm said. "Parker will pick you up while Cassidy drives your car back to your apartment. Come home, Cali, just for the night. I'll even make some hot chocolate."

It was so hard to remember to hate this man. He sounded so earnest, so paternal, and Cali was so tired and her headache was sending her vision spinning. She wanted to lay down and watch stupid movies with her only living parent. Even if that parent was Malcolm Merlyn.

She was still just a girl, and she'd been through a lot, and her friend had just come back from the dead, and she had a headache.

"Okay," she whispered into the phone. "But that's it. And this doesn't mean I forgive you."

"I don't need your forgiveness to care about you." Malcolm sounded mildly amused. "You're my daughter and I will always love you. Making up for my past mistakes won't be easy, but I can start by trying not to make any _more_ mistakes."

Cali took a breath. "Mistakes like coming into my apartment and threatening me?"

Malcolm exhaled sharply, the connection crackling for a moment. "Yes," he said evenly. "Yes, that was a mistake, and the regret I feel is immeasurable. I'm sorry."

_Sorry_. It was the first time Malcolm had apologised for something since Cali had been released from hospital and Michael had been convicted. Cali had slapped him then. This time, she just said, "if you put extra marshmallows in the hot chocolate, you're forgiven."

Malcolm huffed. "You drive a hard bargain, but I accept."

Both of them fell silent, but neither of them hung up. It was stupid, the way Cali needed someone to support her all the time. She'd gotten mad at Tommy for having his own life. She'd gotten angry at Malcolm for trying to be a father. She'd gotten mad at Oliver for having the _audacity_ to change due to some kind of horrific trauma from being alone for five years.

Cali was the problem. _She_ had the issues.

"Dad?" She said very quietly.

Malcolm let out a breath. "It's been many years since you've called me that, Calico." There was a twanging sort of note in his voice, a plaintive chord that said he was still hurting - that her and Tommy had clawed open an invisible wound and it had never healed.

"I'm sorry. I haven't been very fair to you, and I've been so angry at you for trying your best."

Malcolm said, "There's nothing to be sorry for. You were hurting. It was only fair that you lashed out."

She bit her lip, shaking her head. "You forgive me too easily." Michael had never forgiven her that easily. Michael had held grudges and that was why he'd gotten so angry with her all the time. Mistakes piled up.

"It isn't hard to forgive my own daughter."

_It isn't hard to forgive family._

Cali heard the message loud and clear, even if Malcolm didn't say it. Because she still hadn't forgiven Malcolm for a lot of things. Maybe she owed it to him, now that he was forgiving her for being such a bitch to him. Really, what had he done wrong? Dealt with his grief? Hadn't she done that exact same thing? If she continued to hate him for that, then she would live out the rest of her life as a hypocrite.

Distantly, she could see the car that Malcolm had sent for her. "Parker's here," she said, clearing her throat. "I'll see you at home?"

"Of course," Malcolm said warmly. "And Calissa? I love you."

She smiled. "Yeah, I know."

She hung up before Malcolm could realise that she wasn't saying it back. She couldn't. Not yet. Years of hurt couldn't be erased because of a headache and a brief apology. And besides, if Tommy found out that she was running to their father with open arms, he'd never forgive her. If she wasn't careful, she'd be trading one family member for another. She couldn't lose Tommy. It would kill her.

Well, really, wasn't she already losing him? Oliver's return had shaken something in Tommy, and now he was pulling away from her. Maybe he was falling into old habits - like all the times he'd leave her with Oliver because he wanted to chase up some girls. Oliver always seemed to have time for her, and Tommy had taken advantage of that.

So perhaps that was what was happening now. Oliver was back, and so Tommy didn't have to babysit her all the time. She could admit that she was clingy and needy, and maybe that was why her relationship with Michael fell apart, but Tommy had stood by her for several years now. He'd had to deal with all of her mood swings, and her depressive episodes.

Really, she couldn't fault him for finally walking away.

Parker pulled the car up in front of her, Cassidy stepping out and gently guiding her into the back. He was a large man, with biceps the size of her head, but he was always soft with her. He and Parker were her favourite drivers, and her adoration of them had caused Malcolm to permanently assign them to her.

"May I have your car keys, Miss Cali?" Cassidy asked calmly, once he'd gotten her settled in her seat.

She blinked and started rustling around her in her handbag. "Of course." Finally finding them at the bottom by an abandoned tube of lipstick, she pulled them out and handed them over, returning Cassidy's smile. He closed the door with a quiet 'click', and Parker started driving away.

"Mr Merlyn said I was to drive you to the mansion?" His voice was careful, and his words were selective. Not home. Not _her_ mansion. He was checking that this was where Cali actually, truly wanted to go, and not just a ploy to get her in a space where Malcolm could tear her apart.

She really did have the best people in her life. "Yes, thank you Parker." She noticed his mouth tighten and offered a placating smile. "My father and I have some things to work out. I'm ready to give him a chance to explain himself."

Not quite the whole truth, but it eased the tension in Parker's shoulders. "Of course, Miss Cali."

"Thank you for looking out for me. Your loyalty is appreciated."

Parker summoned a smile of his own before his stone mask slid back into place. They drove the rest of the way in silence.

.

_Michael laughed, his coffee sloshing slightly as they sat at the little cafe. Cali watched him, sipping gently on her milkshake. He was radiant when he laughed. His blue eyes crinkled at the corners, and his mouth stretched into a wondrous smile._

_"I love you," she said without thinking._

_Michael laughter petered off, and something in his expression tightened in victory. "Yeah," he said. "Same."_

_It wasn't what she was looking for but she was high on the feeling of watching someone come alive in joy. She never really saw him laugh like that again._

.

Malcolm was waiting for her when Parker gently eased to a stop outside the mansion, dressed in sweats and a plain tee. "Huh," Cali puffed when Parker opened the door for her to get out of the car. "I half expected you to be in a suit, doing work while I cry on the couch or something."

Malcolm put a hand over his heart. "Your lack of faith in me hurts."

Cali grinned, her headache receding slightly at the familiar comfort of her father. Parker shifted beside her and Malcolm's focus shifted to him, the easy expression on his face becoming stiff and uncomforting. "I want you to go and collect Cassidy from Cali's place and then go check on Tommy. Don't engage with him, just make sure that he's alright. You're free for the night after that."

Parker nodded respectfully, lips pursued but face blank. Cali watched him drive away with an uneasy feeling in her stomach. Once the car had disappeared from view, Malcolm turned away and started inside. "Come on. I've already got the hot chocolates started."

Cali let him take her coat, already moving up to where her old room used to be. Malcolm said nothing to stop her, so she continued up the stairs, running her hands along the railing. God, the last time she'd stayed in this house had been the night that Oliver had been announced dead. She and Tommy had climbed into her bed, curled around each other, and cried themselves to sleep. She'd gotten up the next morning, grabbed some clothes, and walked out. She hadn't been back since.

Not for lack of trying of course. Malcolm had pleaded for her to come back after she'd gotten out of hospital and Michael had been sent to prison. She'd refused, but he'd insisted on compromising. He'd stayed in the spare room in her apartment for a week before Tommy had kicked him out.

To be fair, Malcolm hadn't done anything wrong. Tommy had said the wrong thing at the wrong time, and Malcolm had responded, and it had risen into an argument that had sent Cali into a panicked fit.

But now...

Her room hadn't changed much. Her walls were still the same pale teal and her bed still had stupid dragon stickers plastered to the headboard. A byproduct of her younger self's determination to have her presence remembered, she was sure. Now, they made her smile. She'd always been a sucker for dragons. And stickers, apparently. Wow.

She moved further into the room, settling on her bed. The covers had changed, but the pillows were still soft against her face as she laid down. God, she had such bad taste in decorating when she'd been younger. Posters lined one wall by her bed and dream-catchers hung from her roof like raindrops. Her desk was unusually tidy and bare. There were no notebooks sprawled everywhere.

"I tried to keep it as close as I could to the same," said Malcolm from the doorway. He had a mug of hot chocolate in each hand. His expression was sheepish. "I always hoped you'd come home for good."

Cali sat up again, smiling at him tiredly. Her headache twanged. "Maybe I should have," she mused, eyes widening at the admission. Perhaps her exhaustion was making her tongue looser.

Malcolm returned her smile and then gestured carefully with one hand, the hot chocolate sloshing in the cup. Cali could see the marshmallows bob at the motin. "Come on," he said. "I've set up the living room. You can pick out a movie."

"Lilo and Stitch," Cali said immediately, clambering off her bed and falling into step beside her father. It had been her favourite movie when she was younger, and the nostalgia that was tearing at her now forced her to crave the familiar movie.

To his credit, Malcolm didn't mock her choice. Intead, something dark stole over his expression and his jaw clenched. Cali didn't press. Malcolm had been through a lot, just like she had, and he had a right to his own space to deal with it.

Finally, they made it to the living room, where Malcolm allowed Cali to get settled in the swathes of blankets on the couch before handing her the hot chocolate. He set her phone on the floor as she gripped the warm mug. He sat down beside her, and without thinking, Cali tipped sideways so she was leaning on his shoulder. She could feel him grow tense for a second, unsure of how to proceed, but when she didn't move and simply kept sipping at her drink, he relaxed again.

For a moment, it was just like how it had been _before_.

The familiar sounds of Lilo and Stitch started, and Cali hummed, taking another long drink. She'd nearly drained the cup, which was unusual for her, but she couldn't _help_ it. Each mouthful of the rich drink eased her headache and stole away the tension and stress in her body. For once, she felt completely calm and relaxed and _fine_. Without her permission, her eyelids started to droop and she hummed again, the now-empty cup tipping dangerously in her hands. Malcolm shifted, catching the cup before it could fall. He pressed a kiss to her hair, but Cali was too far gone to really be aware.

"Sweet dreams," Malcolm whispered, and then Cali was lost in the swirling darkness of sleep.

.

Malcolm waited until he was sure Cali was truly asleep before turning off the TV and gently maneuvering himself out from under her so he could lay her down properly. She didn't stir, even when he rolled her over and pulled an arm out from the blanket cocoon. He allowed himself to brush her hair back from her face, but then he pulled himself away. He couldn't afford to be too soft right now.

The serum was kicking in sooner than he'd expected.

It was pure luck that he'd had a sedative on hand when Cali had called him. Putting it in the hot chocolate hadn't been hard, and it had knocked her out pretty much straight away. Malcolm frowned as he rifled through his bag. Other vials filled with the same sedative clinked together, but he was looking for the needle-

Aha! He pulled out the needle, brows furrowed in thought. He needed to take a sample of Cali's blood to start synthesising a temporary suppressant, at least until after the Undertaking, where he could then sit down with his daughter and explain what was really in her blood and why it was so monumental. Damn, he thought he'd have more _time_.

He glanced at his sleeping daughter as he cleaned the needle properly, frowning. Hopefully, she was so far under that she wouldn't feel this. The sedative was a strong one, but with the serum, Malcolm wasn't sure how long the effects would last. He had to be quick.

As gently as he could, he wrapped a band around Cali's limp arm, letting out a low breath when she still didn't stir. Swiftly, he stabbed the needle in and drew blood, wincing as Cali shifted slightly. If she woke up, he'd have to think of something to say, and any sort of trust Cali had built up today would be gone.

She still hadn't woken when he undid the clasp around her arm and packed up his materials again.

Malcolm was just preparing for bed when Cali's phone vibrated on the floor by the couch, the screen lighting up with a text notification. Malcolm's lip curled. Of course. Someone would be looking for her tomorrow, probably Tommy. If Malcolm wasn't mistaken, it was Oliver's court case tomorrow, and if he knew his daughter, she'd have said she was going.

That wouldn't do at _all_.

Some of his simmering anger faded when he read Tommy's name on the screen, but it didn't completely disappear. Tommy was...different to Cali. Tommy was _normal_ \- arrogant, and defiant. Malcolm couldn't control his wayward son like he could with Cali. Tommy hadn't spun out of control after the _Gambit_ went down like Cali.

Tommy wasn't injected with the serum.

Malcolm didn't love him any less, but it made it harder to connect with him. Cali was easy to, well, not manipulate, but _convince_.

_'Hey bub. Just checking in. Sorry for missing lunch today. I hear Ollie took you somewhere instead?'_

Interesting. Malcolm spared a glance for his still-sleeping daughter. Oliver Queen was quickly becoming a thorn in his side - meddling with the Merlyn children and unravelling Moira's tight loyalty bit by bit. Oliver being alive raised too many questions.

Cali's phone buzzed again as Tommy sent another text.

_'It's late, whoops. You should be asleep right now, so I'll leave these details for you to read in the morning. I'll pick you up around 9. We'll get to Oliver's at around 9:30, and then we'll go from there. His hearing is at 11. I love you.'_

Malcolm scowled down at the phone. He tapped on the message, hurriedly typing in Cali's password. Silly girl thought he wouldn't find out, simply because she chose random numbers? How naive. Quickly, he typed out a text and sent it, turning the device off before Tommy's response came through. Cali would see it tomorrow - the sedative should keep her under until well after 10am. Of course, the serum in her bloodstream could very well wake her up sooner, but Malcolm would take that risk.

He'd been the one to inject her with the serum after all. It was only right that he made sure she didn't suffer because of it.

.

Tommy frowned down at his phone, Cali's text displayed on the screen. Something wasn't right about this whole thing. First, Cali would _never_ cancel on Oliver and Tommy, not when the event was something important. She'd promised Oliver she'd be there when he came back from the dead, and it was so rare that Cali broke a promise these days. She was always terrified that if she went back on her word, then Tommy would get angry and he'd lash out.

Tommy's mouth tightened. Fucking _Michael_.

He read Cali's text again, trying to ignore the twisting in his gut that told him that this _wasn't right._

_'I can't go tomorrow. I'm not feeling great. Give my apologies to Oliver.'_

He hesitated before typing out a response, settling on a simple, _'feel better, bub'_. He should go check on her, he _knew_ he should, but something held him back. If she was sick, then she'd ask for him if she needed him. Wouldn't she?

Maybe he'd call Oliver. After all, Ollie had been the one with her for her lunch break, so maybe he'd noticed something that could ease Tommy's concerns. If Ollie said she seemed off, or sick, Tommy would visit her tomorrow instead of tonight. It was that simple. He dialed Oliver's number.

It took a few seconds for the line to connect, for Oliver to answer, but Tommy didn't really feel guilty for calling at such a late hour. "Yeah?" Oliver's voice was gruff with exhaustion, but it wasn't thick with sleep. Oliver had been awake.

Tommy let out a breath. "Hey man. You stopped by to see Cali today, right?"

Oliver shifted - Tommy could hear the noise over the phone. "Yeah, we went out for a drink at the cafe on the corner. Why?" He sounded a little sharper now, concern chasing away the tiredness.

"She's not coming tomorrow. She just texted me and cancelled. Said she's feeling sick."

Oliver paused. Tommy could hear strange sounds, as though Oliver was outside in the weather. "She seemed tired," Oliver said finally. "I think she had a headache. I don't know if that's what she means by 'sick'."

Tommy nodded to himself. He'd check on her tonight. On the other hand... "Are you outside?" He asked abruptly.

Oliver's voice immediately got more guarded. "I couldn't sleep," he said tightly. "I wanted to walk the streets of Starling City again."

Tommy tucked that awy to think about later. "If you're already out in town," he said, "could you check on her? She's in the apartment building a block west of the library. Floor 2, room 12."

"Of course," Oliver agreed immediately. "If she's sleeping, I'll leave her be, but if something's wrong then I'll call you."

Tommy swallowed. "Thank you, Ollie."

"Of course," Oliver repeated, gentler now. "Anything for my best friend."

It wasn't until Oliver had hung up that Tommy realised he wasn't sure if Oliver was referring to him, or to his sister.

.

The door to Cali's apartment creaked open, a hooded figure looming in the doorway. Gently, he tucked the lock pick back into his pocket, creeping forwards slowly, blending into the shadows. He kept his bow close, measuring his breathing so he made as little sound as possible. The apartment was as quiet as he was, and it raised the hairs on his arms.

He had an arrow nocked and aimed before the door had finished opening and closing behind him.

"If you are here to kill Miss Merlyn, I'm afraid I can't allow you to leave here alive."

The hooded figure didn't drop his bow, kept the arrow pulled up to his face. Any sign of attack, and he would let go. "Where is she?" He growled lowly.

The other man stepped out into view. He was older, with a weathered face. He looked familiar, but the hooded figure didn't know why. "Miss Merlyn is spending the night at home with her father." Something tight and disapproving stole across his face. "I drove her there personally, and I can assure you that she will remain unharmed. You may visit her tomorrow."

It clicked. Parker. Tommy had talked about Cali's driver, about how she'd insisted that he remain her driver, even when Malcolm had tried to convince her otherwise. It wasn't recommended, growing close to one of your personnel. Someone could use that against you.

Slowly, the bow lowered, the arrow returned to the quiver. "If she gets hurt because of that man," the hooded figure growled, "I will kill you."

Parker met his gaze, unafraid. "If she gets hurt," he said gravely, "I may very well ask you to."

And well, Oliver Queen didn't really know what to say to that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy finds out where Cali's been. Oliver and Cali finally talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't mind this chapter as much, but i still hated writing the bit between tommy and cali. don't worry, the whole story won't be serious conversations about the same topics, i promise. 
> 
> leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"There's dread in my heart and fear in my bones  
And I just don't know what to say"_   
**SAM SMITH – _'Pray'_**

.

Waking up was like wading through molasses. Cali hated molasses. Her entire body felt heavy and numb, and her brain didn't seem to want to work properly. Her muted hearing could pick up some sort of dulled talking, but she couldn't differentiate the words. They were just swirly voices. God. she felt like she'd been drugged.

She hadn't been drugged, had she? She didn't remember being drugged. She didn't remember much after drinking her hot chocolate on the couch, the soothing music of the Lilo and Stitch introduction lulling her to sleep.

She groaned, the sound muffled by the fact that her face was smushed into a pillow. Even her tongue felt sluggish. Gingerly, she peeled her eyes open, blinking slowly in an attempt to clear her vision. How long had she slept for? Surely not that long, because she hadn't been woken up for Oliver's-

She sat bolt upright, even as her head spun

_Oh my God, Oliver's court case._

"Easy," a voice soothed. "Everything's okay. You've been pretty deeply asleep."

'Malcolm?' Cali meant to ask, except her body still hadn't started working yet, so it came out sounding like, "Mmmlak?"

A hand rested on her shoulder for a moment, and a cold glass was pressed into her hands. She gripped onto it without thinking, her body managing automatic functions even if it couldn't manage thought-driven tasks currently. Robotically, she lifted the glass to her mouth and took a drink. The cold water seemed to kickstart something in her brain.

"Malcolm?" She tried again, blinking again to clear her vision. Slowly, very slowly, things came into focus. The 'swirly voices' turned out to merely be the news, playing quietly on the TV. Malcolm was crouched in front of her, watching her with keen eyes.

"Morning," he greeted easily. "Or late afternoon, I should say."

"Mm," Cali agreed intelligently, draining her glass of water. Her head was still spinning slightly, and the couch dipped and swayed under her, but a pressing anxiety forced her to focus. "Oliver's court case? Did it go okay? Why did you let me sleep? Why didn't Tommy ask for me? Malcolm-"

Malcolm shushed her, taking the glass from her now-trembling hands. "I texted Tommy and said you weren't feeling well. And then I couldn't wake you this morning so I just let you sleep."

"Oh."

She settled back down on the couch, cuddling into the blanket that was settled over her body. Her attention drifted to the TV, which was, coincidentally enough, playing a recap of Oliver's appearance at court that morning.

"As it stands, Oliver Queen's death-in-absentia has been vitiated, resurrecting the young billionaire and releasing him back into civilisation as a living man. Oliver refused to comment about his time away, and made no mention of the loss of his father. What a bittersweet morning the Queen family has faced."

Cali stopped listening, focused solely on the photo of Ollie that was plastered on the screen. Oliver's face was haunted and his lips were tight and thin. Cali had been right. He'd been forced to tell the story, and it had tugged at his carefully maintained tapestry of 'ignoring the problem until it goes away because I'm perfectly fine.'

Oliver was clearly not fine. Cali clearly should have been there for him. Tommy had been. Thea had been. It was Oliver's first week back and Cali was failing at being his friend. Maybe she'd changed too much to stand by him as she once had.

"You can't blame yourself for not being there," Malcolm said quietly. Cali hadn't even known he'd still been in the room. "It's not selfish to look after yourself. You didn't feel well, you were obviously tired. Oliver will understand."

"He shouldn't have to," Cali said, looking down at her hands. "I should have been there for him, no matter what. That's what friends are for."

"Oliver will understand," Malcolm repeated firmly.

Instead of answering, Cali closed her eyes and evened out her breathing until she heard Malcolm walk away.

.

_"How could I let him do this to me, Tommy?" Cali whispered, staring out the window. Her hair hung sallow and limp, lifeless in colour. She was thin, almost unnaturally so. "I should have known better."_

_Tommy shifted on his feet, not daring to move any closer. "Don't do that," he said quietly. "Michael knew what he was doing. He drew you in with promises and presents and gentle touches until you were too far gone to notice what was happening until it was too late. That's on him."_

_"I should have seen it." Cali shook her head, her eyes glittering with tears. "I should have seen it."_

.

Tommy wandered along, hands in his pockets to avoid fiddling with anything. He was filled with nervous energy - and anger too - and he needed to work it off. Obviously, he and Oliver were already falling out of sync and out of touch if Oliver was prepared to ditch him in a crowd of slobbering paparazzis. Oliver had even ditched his bodyguard, which, fair enough, but seriously? Tommy too?

That was kind of a dick move.

At least it left Tommy free to track down his wayward sister. A phone call to the Starling Public Library had revealed that she hadn't been working today, which was odd because Cali loved working there. There was very little that would keep her away. Not even sickness. Which made her text last night even more concerning.

Tommy didn't know what it was with his family and friends at the moment, but none of them were acting normal and he was starting to wonder if he'd somehow woken up in some alternate reality. You know, a world where he was left on the curb as Oliver dorve a way. A world where his sister disappeared at strange times and then texted him with feeble excuses that didn't match her character at all.

Fuck it, he was going to call her.

The phone rang and rang, and Tommy almost gave up, but then the line connected and all he could hear was a TV and Cali's breathing. "Hey," he said carefully, trying to keep his tone light lest it betray his growing worry. "You alright?"

There was a pause that stretched into an awkward kind of silence. "I'm managing," Cali finally said, and Tommy winced and stopped walking, because she really did sound awful. "What's up?"

"Just calling to check up on you. Wanted to see if you were up for some late lunch."

Cali shifted. "Aren't you with Oliver?"

Tommy laughed joylessly. "Yeah, about that. He left me on the curb after the whole legal resurrection thing. I'm just sort of wandering at the moment." He waited for her response, holding his breath in anticipation. Something was wrong, he could feel it in his bones, and he wanted to get to the bottom of it before it spun out of control. "Cali?"

"Yeah alright." Her answer was resigned, as if she knew she _had_ to agree or Tommy would start war. Really, that wasn't the vibe he was going for, but okay. He'd take what he could get.

"I'll meet you at Miko's in twenty minutes?"

"Sure, Tommy. See you then."

Cali hung up first.

Tommy started walking again.

.

_"Come on," Tommy pleaded. "I'll shout you lunch at Miko's."_

_Cali let out a long breath through her nose and shifted on her feet, not loosening her grip on the door. Once upon a time, she would've let him into the apartment without hesitation. Now, it's like he needed a special badge or reason before she'd let him take a step over the threshold._

_Finally, she said, "I'd love that Tommy, but Michael already has plans for today. I don't want him to feel like I'm abandoning him."_

_'It's one dinner,' Tommy wanted to say, but instead he just sighed and nodded, cramming his hands in his pockets so he didn't force his way and beat the crap out of his sister's partner. "Alright," he agreed unhappily. "But you can't cancel dinner on Saturday, yeah? It's Laurel's birthday, and she's excited to hang out with you."_

_Cali almost-smiled. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."_

_She showed up to dinner with too much make-up and a broken smile, but she tried, for Laurel._

.

Cali walks into Miko's with a tired smile, wearing clothes she'd just bought from the shop she'd forced Parker to stop at. After all, she couldn't show up to lunch with her brother in the same clothes she'd been wearing yesterday. She had _some_ self-respect. Unfortunately, it had caused her to be slightly late. A fact which made her cringe when she saw Tommy sitting alone at a table, looking at his phone with a worn-out look on his face.

"Nice to see you, brother mine," she greeted, sliding into the empty chair. "Sorry I'm late."

"Fifteen minutes late, Cali." Tommy didn't look up from his phone, but his shoulders slumped. "I almost thought you weren't coming, but Parker texted and explained that you wanted to wear something nice for lunch."

_Parker deserved a raise_ , Cali thought privately. She picked up a menu. "Have you ordered?"

Finally, Tommy put down his phone. "No," he said. "I was waiting for you. I did get a coffee, however. Hope that's alright?"

Cali bit her lip. "Of course. I'm sorry, Tommy."

Tommy's expression warmed. "All is forgiven," he promised. "Now, let's order and eat because I am _starving_."

Strangely, so was Cali. It was odd - she rarely got _hungry_ hungry, so to speak. She'd get peckish, and she'd snack, but it was rare that she got hungry enough to crave a hearty meal from a restaurant. Maybe her extended sleep had kick-started her stomach or something. It was unlikely, but not impossible.

Tommy flagged the waitress, who scribbled down their orders with a practised customer service smile. Cali didn't bother learning her name. Nothing she did was really note-worthy enough to make her care about the woman. She was just another employee.

"Apparently Moira just scolded John Diggle," Tommy said, voice dropping to a hushed whisper as if he was a teenage girl spilling some gossip. Cali had to lean forward just to hear him. "You know, the bodyguard? Yeah, apparently Oliver keeps ditching him and Moira's getting frustrated."

Cali rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair. "I don't blame Ollie," she said. "I like John, but Oliver doesn't need a bodyguard. He's just spent five years alone on an island. Maybe - and here's a fantastical concept for you - _he wants to be alone_."

Tommy screwed his nose up. "I guess."

"And what do you care?" Cali continued. "John isn't _your_ bodyguard."

Tommy's jaw twitched, belying his sudden switch to a serious mood. "Oliver ditched me too." He didn't look Cali in the eyes when he said that, and she felt something in her chest lurch at the vulnerability on his face.

She reached across the table and grabbed his hand in her own. "That's Oliver's choice," she said. "Don't forget about me. Even if Oliver goes right back out to sea and doesn't come back again for another five years, you still have me."

Tommy smiled. "My daring baby sister."

"Tommy, I'm literally only eleven months younger than you. I'm hardly a baby."

"You're still younger."

" _Tommy_."

Tommy grinned, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms. He clicked his fingers. " _Also_! Speaking of John Diggle, he wanted me to give you his number. You know, in case you decide you need a bodyguard, or Oliver gives him the slip and you find him before John does. That sort of thing."'

Cali accepted the slip of paper. "Right." Well, it wouldn't hurt to have a direct line of contact to Oliver's bodyguard if something were to happen. God knows Oliver was bipolar when it came to answering phone calls.

For a moment, she and Tommy sat without speaking, sipping at the complimentary water and eyeing each other warily. A new kind of tension made the silence grow thick and heavy, and it made Cali wonder what kind of secrets they were keeping from each other. Well, she knew what she was keeping from Tommy, but there was something that made her think he was keeping things from her too.

A thread of cunning gleamed in Tommy's eyes. "So," he began, leaning forward. "You feeling better now?"

He was searching for something, some sort of slip up on her part that might give away something. He thought something was happening that she wasn't telling him about. Cali chewed on her lip to hold back her fiery indignation. Tommy wasn't _wrong_. Cali still hadn't told him about Malcolm. And he had good reason to ask her about keeping secrets - she hadn't told him about Michael until Thea had been put in hospital.

Okay, so maybe Cali wasn't the best at _not_ keeping secrets. Still, she would've thought Tommy would have known better than to challenge her on that front.

She stole his glass of water and took a sip. "I feel much better, thank you for asking." She kept her voice level and relaxed, watching Tommy as carefully as he was watching her. To be fair to herself, Tommy was obviously keeping secrets as well, so he had no right to push her. "How have _you_ been?"

Tommy just kept watching her, mouth twisted into some sort of pained half-smile. "I've been better," he admitted heavily, surrendering the silent battle between them. "I just... _Oliver_."

Cali hummed. "It's strange, isn't it, seeing him again?"

Tommy sagged in his chair. "He's so _different_."

Cali opened her mouth to respond, but the waitress from before hurried over with a tray balanced precariously on her hands. Hurriedly, without much effort or care, the girl threw their plates down in front of them and bustled off again, a stressed frown pinching the skin between her eyebrows.

"Right." Cali sighed and picked up a slightly soggy chip. Damn. Miko's was usually so good with their food and their service. Maybe today was an off day. Cali could relate, honestly. "Tommy, I don't-"

"He's been through so much, I know." Tommy's entire voice sharpened. "I have to give him _time_ , and I have to be careful with my _words_ and I have to be _patient_. I _know_ , Cali. But I don't see why I should keep trying if it's _not working_."

Cali had to be careful here. Tommy when he was upset was...volatile. He had a temper to match Malcolm's, except Tommy's anger was venomous. Malcolm was fire and fury, but Tommy would hiss poisonous words and spit cruel lies until his target was shattered inside. Cali knew firsthand.

And now...Oliver's return has yanked at a thread inside her brother, and now he was unravelling, thinning, losing himself to this constant swirling confusion and anger and grief. Maybe it would have been better if Oliver had stayed dead to them. All he'd achieved by returning was hurting everybody who loved him.

"Tommy," she said carefully, "there's no handbook for a trauma like Oliver's. I'm not sure Oliver himself knows what's happening in his own head. Everyone is floundering. Thea is spinning out of control because she doesn't know how to adjust to having a brother again. Quinten and Laurel are looking at Oliver and they see a reminder of Sara. You're struggling with trying to see where _your_ Oliver has gone, because he isn't there anymore. That's _okay_."

"No it's _not_!" Tommy gritted his teeth. "I'm being selfish, I know, but I'm so tired of chasing after someone who doesn't _exist_ anymore. I'm over it. The Oliver I grew up with would never have left me behind."

"The Oliver you grew up with is _gone_."

"I _know_ that, Calissa!"

"Well clearly you don't!" Cali slammed her cutlery down, abandoning her food. She was trying to understand her brother, trying to _help_ him, but he wasn't _listening_. "You are so stuck on the old Oliver that you're blind to the fact that five years alone on an island will _change_ someone, usually in the worst of ways."

_"He wasn't on the island!_ He _wasn't!"_

"Tommy, he _was_. He didn't go to Hong Kong, he didn't _hide_ from us. He was trapped on an island, alone, and he suffered for _five years_."

Tommy shook his head, laughing bitterly. "You don't understand," he said lowly. "This person that's walking around - it isn't Oliver."

Cali stood up. "No. No it isn't Oliver. It's a man who has been through something terrible, whose friends are giving up on him. I won't shun him. Not like you."

"Where were you last night?" Tommy stood up as well, hands on the table between them. His eyes were blazing with anger. For a second, just the briefest inhale, Cali looked at him and saw Michael. She stepped back. "Oliver said you were fine, but he said you weren't at your apartment. He said you were staying at a friend's house."

She scoffed. "You sent Oliver after me? What, are you stalking me now?"

"I was worried. But you weren't home. You don't have many friends, Cali. Where were you?"

Tell the truth or lie? Cali felt impossibly caged. If she lied to Tommy, she was going to splinter something between them. But if she told him about Malcolm...Who knew what would happen. Tell the truth or lie?

Tell the truth or lie?

"I went home," she said finally, tone coloured with shame and defiance in equal measure. "I went home, and I sat down with Malcolm, and I forgave him."

Tommy went white.

"You-" He choked on the accusation, betrayal evident in every muscle. She'd hurt him by going to Malcolm. She'd hurt him badly. "You _forgave_ him? For what? For _leaving_?"

She raised her chin. "Everyone deserves a chance to grieve."

Tommy made a strangled noise. "You're _defending him_?"

"He's our _father_."

"And he _left_!" Tommy's eyes were lit up with fury. "He _left!_ We were _eight_ and he walked away. Why should I forgive him for abandoning us for _two years_?"

"I'm not asking you to forgive him, Tommy. I'm just saying that I am _tired_ of having a family that's constantly at war with each other. It's exhausting and frustrating, and just _maybe_ , I wanted my _dad_."

Tommy shook his head and straightened up, adjusting his jacket and putting some money on the table. "Well," he said coolly, "if you love him so much, then I suppose you better run back to him and let him coddle you. Because I am _done_ , Cali. I'm done with Oliver, and I'm done with you. I'm _done_."

Tommy was the one to walk away.

Cali sat back down, staring down at her plate and just trying to breathe. She'd been so afraid of this for so long, and now she'd gone and ruined the one good thing in her life all on her own. _She_ was the one she should be afraid of.

Michael hadn't been the one to ruin her life. _She'd_ been the one to stay with him, to lie to her friends and family, to accept it and let him do it and not fight back.

Cali was the one who was methodically tearing apart her life and her happiness, and maybe Tommy was right for letting it happen. You couldn't help someone who didn't want to be helped.

She pulled her phone out mechanically, dialling the first number she managed to focus on. Hopefully, she was calling someone who could go after Tommy and make sure he was okay. "Hello?"

"Laurel," Cali said tightly. "Hey. I need you to find Tommy and stay with him for a little while. Please?"

Laurel's voice rose in pitch. "Why, what's happening?"

Cali swallowed. "I was stupid, we fought, and he said he's done with me. I don't blame him, and I'm not angry, but I'm worried about him. Please just check on him?"

"It sounds like you're asking me to check on the wrong sibling."

"Laurel." Cali wasn't afraid of begging. Her dignity was already in tatters. Why not completely shatter it? _"Please."_

Laurel sighed heavily. "Alright. But I want you to go find Thea. I don't think you should be alone right now either."

"Okay," Cali agreed. "Thank you."

She hung up.

.

To his credit, Parker didn't ask any difficult questions. He drove swiftly, and kept quiet, and Cali appreciated that more than she could say. Never had Parker judged her, or scorned her, and told her she was being stubborn or silly. He just offered her chocolate sometimes and never hesitated to pull into McDonald's whenever she asked.

Tommy had done that and more. Now his name just left a chalky taste on her tongue.

God, how long had it been since she'd had a serious fight with her brother? Not since Oliver's boat had sunk, surely. No, they'd had one after that. They'd fought about Michael. That was nearly three years ago. And Tommy hadn't walked away, he'd pushed harder and harder until she'd been forced to confess everything.

She exhaled slowly and let her head thump against the window. "What am I going to do, Parker?" She asked miserably. "I've ruined everything."

Parker hummed. "Your brother loves you very much, Miss," he said easily. "I doubt that anything could separate you two for good."

"Yeah. Okay."

Cali found that it was impossible to believe him. Parker hadn't seen the look in Tommy's eyes before he'd walked away. The way his voice had cracked when she admitted to visiting Malcolm...she may have completely ruined any chance of peace between her and her brother. Tommy could forgive her for a lot of things, but his hatred for Malcolm Merlyn outweighed his love for her.

Cali closed her eyes. She refused to start crying. God, it was only an argument, why was she so close to breaking down over it? Stupid, it was _stupid_ to cry now. She was weak, Michael was right. She was weak and stupid and-

"We're here, Miss Cali." Parker's voice was professional, but still somehow gentle. How long, Cali wondered, until he walked away from her too? "Would you like me to escort you?"

"No thank you," Cali answered, peeling her eyes back open and readying herself to get out of the car. "I need to take these steps myself."

"Of course."

Cali opened the car door slowly, forcing herself not to hesitate before stepping out and starting the daunting walk up to the door of the Queen Mansion. She didn't know why she was struggling so much with this - there would be no judgement from her other family. Moira treated her like a daughter and Thea loved her like a sister. Oliver...well, Oliver cared for her in some capacity. That was enough.

Raisa was already opening the door and welcoming her in before Cali had stopped and raised a hand to knock. "Miss Lance called," the maid explained at Cali's quizzical look. "She sounded worried. We got worried as well."

Cali smiled warmly, and let the woman fuss over her jacket. "Tommy and I fought," she said evenly. Raisa didn't even flinch. "I told him that I went...I went and visited my father and forgave him for leaving us."

_That_ got Raisa to falter, and Cali's jacket caught on her arms as Raisa stopped tugging. Cali slid it off herself. "Ah," the woman clucked. "Your brother has many good qualities, Calissa, but his darker side is nurtured by his hatred for his father. I worry for them both."

"Malcolm can handle himself."

Raisa shook her head. " _Malcolm_ is vulnerable around family. He's sensitive to Tommy's anger. You have done the right thing, forgiving him. Now _you_ may grow."

Cali took a second to try and regain her composure. What a spectacular woman. "Thank you, Raisa," she said genuinely, and Raisa stepped forward and drew her into a tight hug. She said nothing more but her touch said it all. Cali was safe there, in the mansion with Oliver and Moira and Thea and Raisa and even Walter. They had her back.

Raisa pulled away after another moment, taking a deep breath and taking Cali's jacket. "Mr Queen will return shortly," she said. "I will go and prepare some hot chocolate for you both."

"Oh, that's not necessary," Cali protested, but before her words could really have any effect, Oliver's deep voice resonated from the stairs.

"Thank you, Raisa." His smile, though genuine, was slightly strained and hurting. Cali fought the urge to sigh. The men in her life were almost more emotionally unstable than her. That was a hard feat to accomplish, and yet Tommy and Oliver were having a fair go.

Why was her life this complicated?

Cali was already moving to meet Oliver at the bottom of the stairs when Raisa murmured something about getting some afternoon tea and slipped away. Oliver's smile slipped away with her, and by the time he and Cali were face to face, his shoulders were slumped and defeat was evident in his expression. He looked tired.

"Oliver," Cali greeted quietly.

He nodded. "Cali. Raisa told me about Laurel's call. What happened?"

"I would've thought you'd know already. You and Tommy are close enough."

Oliver chuckled dryly. "I've been a little...preoccupied," he said. "If Tommy's tried to contact me, I haven't had a chance to notice. And all Laurel said was that you two had a fight, and it was bad." At that, Oliver's entire posture softened, and he reached for Cali's arm in an attempt to soothe. "Are you okay?"

Cali didn't mean to. She _swore_ she didn't. It was just...Michael had always grabbed at her for some reason or other, and it was usually followed by some form of punishment. And she _knew_ Ollie, knew that he wouldn't hurt her, but she flinched away anyway. Guilt made her stomach flip when Oliver's face went blank, his mouth tightening in displeasure.

Damn, she thought she was over this. Tommy had spent months trying to get her to stop shying away from simple touches. She had no idea why she was reverting back to her old habits now. Maybe the fight with Tommy had unsteadied her more than she'd initially thought.

"I'm not afraid of you," she blurted when Oliver drew back, standing rigidly. "I promise I'm not. I just....get frightened by touch sometimes. It's a weird quirk of mine, I guess."

Oliver swallowed and glanced away, focusing on a spot just over her right shoulder for a moment. The look in his eyes said that he was finally figuring something out, that this incident was the final piece of a rather complex puzzle. The horrible sinking feeling in her stomach made her wonder if the disgust that curled at his lips was for her. Nobody liked a weak woman.

"I'm sorry for startling you," Oliver said eventually. "I should have known."

"No, Ollie. It's not your fault. I'm just jumpy."

But Oliver's mask had already settled back in place now, fixed firmly over his face. Now he was smiling pleasantly, face vacant. His eyes though...they were awash with eddying, swirling emotions. Oliver had never been able to hide what he was feeling, not entirely. It was always his eyes that betrayed him.

"We should go and see if Raisa's made those hot chocolates," Oliver said faux casually, moving to put his hands in his pockets. "I could really use one right now, and I'm sure I remember you being addicted to them when we were younger."

Ah, an invitation to forget about what just happened. Alright, Cali could work with that. It was better than Oliver rejecting her company outright. "Raisa's hot chocolates were my only reason for living," she agreed, looping her arm through his as they started to amble through to the living room. Oliver shifted his posture slightly to allow the change, the tension draining from his shoulders as _she_ initiated the touch.

"Remember when you, me and Tommy snuck down to the kitchen late one night to try and make some of our own?" Oliver shook his head, something fond softening his face again. "We completely wrecked the kitchen. Mom was so mad at us."

Cali huffed smugly. "She was mad at you and Tommy. I got off scott-free."

"You've always been Mom's favourite."

"I highly doubt that, Ollie. I'm not even one of her children."

"That's why you were her favourite."

Cali nudged him gently. "That's not fair," she said lightly. "Tommy isn't hers either."

Oliver smiled, shifting their linked arms so he was holding her a little tighter. "Ah, but Tommy was the one who kept encouraging me to punch the paparazzi. You just made me buy you food."

Oh, Cali had asked so much more of him than that, but if he wasn't going to mention then neither would she. Maybe he was ashamed of it, or he thought that if he said anything about it, then she would think it was an invitation to keep going and he wasn't ready for that.

It was just that her nightmares had always been so vivid and her headaches had been so _painful_. Oliver's constant vigilance had always been her saving grace, despite his playboy attitude and complete lack of care for anything else in his life. Cali and Tommy had always been an exception to that. It had driven Thea mad with jealousy.

Of course, Oliver had never meant anything by it, and Cali knew that most of the time it was just inconvenient and Oliver only offered her comfort because he would face the wrath of Moira Queen if he didn't.

It said something, didn't it, that Moira Queen had always cared about Calissa more than her own damned father.

"Do you still get the nightmares?" Oliver asked, and Cali blinked. Huh, maybe they were going there after all. Did she _want_ to go there? Oliver had always been her person, but how could she tell him that Tommy had stepped into that role during the five years Oliver had been gone? How could she admit that she'd fallen apart pathetically, and it had taken Tommy far too long to put her back together again?

She was spared from answering when they entered the living room and found Raisa setting out a plate with biscuits and lamingtons and small cakes. Two mugs of hot chocolate were already sitting on the table, steam curling in the air. Cali eyed the spread appreciatively. "This looks divine, Raisa," she complimented. "Thank you."

Oliver echoed her sentiments, and they unlinked their arms so they could comfortably sit down at the table. His eyes flitted over the food dismissively, fingers curling around the warm mug in front of him. "Mm." He hummed after taking a sip. He beamed at Raisa. "Always with the twist of peppermint. You have magic, Raisa."

She bobbed her head. "No magic, Mr Queen. Only secret recipe and good hands."

"Sounds suspiciously like magic."

Raisa laughed, and Oliver's grin got so wide and bright that it almost hurt Cali to look at it. Good, it was so good that there was someone who could make him light up like that after being isolated for five years. And yet, something ugly licked it's way up Cali's throat at the pure adoration in Oliver's eyes. What was so special about Raisa? Why could she connect with this Oliver so easily?

What was she doing so right? What was Cali doing so wrong?

"I will leave you both to your hot chocolate." Raisa bowed slightly before bustling away, humming cheerily to herself. Oliver watched her go.

Cali tore her gaze away and reached for a plain chocolate biscuit to dip in her drink. Perhaps she shouldn't have come here. Her fight with Tommy, while damaging, shouldn't have pushed her as far as it had. She could've just gone home, or gone back to Malcolm. That's what Tommy had told her to do. Clearly, Oliver was having his own troubles. She had no right to be adding to them.

Oliver took another drink of hot chocolate. Cali finished her biscuit. "What happened while I was gone?" Oliver asked suddenly, being careful not to meet her eyes.

Cali took a breath and stared down at her drink. Tiny biscuit crumbs floated in the liquid, half-submerged in the remaining cream. "That's a generalised question, Ollie." She chuckled weakly. "Gotta be a little more specific than that."

Oliver inhaled deeply. "With you. What happened with you, _to_ you, that's changed you so much? And don't say that it was nothing. There was clearly something. You...You're different, and Tommy keeps insisting that it's your story to tell, but you keep _not telling_ me, and...." He trailed off, pinching his lips together in frustration before sighing. "I don't know how to act around you, and I can't keep not knowing, Cali."

It was a totally fair question. Oliver deserved to know, especially since Thea had been involved and Thea was _his_ sister after all, not Cali's. He was right on the front that Cali had changed, and it wasn't fair to leave him hanging with no explanation. She was skittish, and he obviously didn't know how to react to that. It wasn't fair of her to force him to play this tangled version of hop-scotch.

She tapped her mug with a nail nervously, silently warring with herself over what to say, how much to reveal, and how to actually _tell_ him. "I made a mistake," she began slowly. "I didn't tell anyone about it for two years and people got hurt because of it. Well, _I_ got hurt and-" she took a deep breath, "-Thea ended up in hospital."

Oliver straightened in his seat. "What?"

Cali squeezed her eyes together. This was okay. Oliver deserved to know. And she wouldn't fault him for being angry with her. She knew that what she'd done was stupid, and she regretted it. Oliver was allowed to be angry at her. _Oliver was allowed to be angry at her, she wouldn't freak out._

"His name was Michael," she said flatly. "He didn't like people prying into our relationship. On our anniversary, Thea said some things to him and he got angry and pushed her down the stairs. I broke up with him, he didn't take it well - there was a whole incident. I told Tommy everything after Quinten had arrested Michael and taken him away."

"I see." Oliver's voice was low and quiet and intense. She couldn't gauge his emotions. Panic flickered to life in her chest, and her tapping increased. God, she'd forgotten what this was like - admitting that she'd been so _stupid_.

_Oliver was allowed to be angry at her_. She'd endangered Thea, put the Queen girl in hospital. Oliver had a right to be angry.

"He's in jail now," she added, as if that would make any difference.

Oliver steepled his hands in front of his mouth, eyes trained solely on the table in front of him. "You were in an abusive relationship and you didn't tell anyone until Thea was involved."

"No," Cali said immediately. Oliver finally dragged his attention to her face and he raised a disbelieving eyebrow. Cali flushed. "It wasn't abuse," she explained, trying to ignore Oliver's rapidly changing facial expressions. "Michael lost his temper and hurt Thea and that was unforgivable."

"But he hurt you too."

"He never meant to." Cali managed not to flinch at Oliver's dead laugh. She raised her chin. "It wasn't abuse, Ollie. We just weren't right for each other."

For a long moment, Oliver just studied her. His lips were downturned, face carefully blank even as his green eyes stumbled through a myriad of emotions. He'd already been through so many moods since she'd arrived - it was if he was trying to cycle through his whole catalogue of emotions as though that would prove that he could still be a normal person around them.

He was still trying to prove himself, and prove that he could _be_ himself.

"During my five years away," Oliver said slowly, "your name kept me going. I always swore that I'd be strong no matter what, just like you. You've never had the best life, but you always had a smile for me, and I needed that strength to-to _survive_."

"And now you're disappointed that I became so weak while you were gone?"

Oliver's lips quirked into a strange half-smile. "No. I'm proud of you for making yourself even stronger."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy and Cali make up. Heartbreak reigns. More is revealed about Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back at it again with another deep talk - i seem to be writing too many of those, sorry if it's annoying. once everything gets explained, we'll be moving on to more exciting episodes with more action. Another few chapters and we really start to get some things happening, so just bear with me.

_"When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity start to unwind  
Darling, only you can ease my mind"_   
**BEN PLATT – _'Ease My Mind'_**

.

It was as if telling Oliver about Michael had flipped some kind of switch. Suddenly, Oliver was full of words, and they stumbled off his tongue as if he was trying to tell her everything and he was running out of time. He never spoke about his time away in detail, of course, but he babbled on about Tommy and Moira and Thea, and how he came back home afraid that he was too different. Cali listened to it all.

"I feel like I have to play a part," he confessed, biting down on a biscuit. "It's like time here froze while I went away, and I'm the only one that changed. I don't fit anymore."

Cali drained the last of her hot chocolate. "That's because you've been alone on an island for five years. You were the only one to survive the sinking ship, too. It's only fair that you've come back different. Don't beat yourself up over it."

"Yeah." Oliver's face went vacant for a second, and Cali frowned. He went away too often now, trapped inside his own head and his own thoughts. His memories must be strong to be able to pull him away like that.

She chewed on her lip for a moment, hesitant to say the thing that had been floating around her head ever since Oliver had mentioned Sara. Saying it would hurt both her and Oliver, and yet it was probably the best thing to do. The Lance family needed to move on. Their hurt had only become more inflamed by the rescue of Oliver.

And the knowledge that Sara hadn't made it.

"Have you spoken to Laurel?" She asked quietly, refusing to look up lest she see something in Oliver's eyes that hurt her. "Not just said words or put on your mask. Have you _really_ spoken to her, like you're speaking to me now?"

Oliver frowned down at the empty mug he was toying with. "Why should I? What could I offer her? I got Sara killed, and I cheated on her and-"

"And nothing," Cali said firmly, looking up and staring at his nose. Still not his eyes. Not yet. "What's done is done. You and Laurel are different people now. She lost a sister. You lost a friend. There's no shame or guilt in trying to find comfort in each other."

Oliver exhaled softly. "Thank you, Guppy. I don't think I could do this without you."

Cali reached across the table for his hand. "I love you, Oliver," she said seriously, "and I'm glad that you're home safe."

.

_Rain tapped elegantly against the window, regal even in its sudden destruction. Cali watched the droplets in a daze, curled up under the blanket in the chair. Michael was supposed to have been home two hours ago, and he still hadn't so much as called._

_Cali stared at the rain and she allowed herself to wonder. About Michael, about herself, about Oliver. About what could have been._

_Had she jumped into this relationship too fast? She'd gotten together with Michael only a month after the Gambit went down, so her emotions had been decidedly unsteady. Maybe she was just looking for comfort in the wrong place. She wasn't ready for a relationship like this. She was still young and craving reedom._

_Her mouth twisted into a grimace. But her and Michael had been together almost eight months now. She couldn't just break it off suddenly. It wasn't fair to him. Michael had invested a lot into their relationship too, and it was selfish of her to take that for granted and then walk away._

_So maybe she could do it. Maybe this was her chance to grow up and be mature and get over Oliver Queen._

_Oliver had been her first great love. Michael could easily be her second if she let herself move on._

_The front door smacked open and Michael cursed as it slammed into the wall. "Cali, honey?" He called. "You home?"_

_Cali smiled and snuggled deeper into her blanket. Yeah, she could love Michael. "Yeah babe, I'm in the living room."_

_She listened to the sounds of Michael taking off his boots and his wet jacket, and then waited as his footsteps padded lightly across the floor. A kiss was dropped onto her cheek. "You look cosy," Michael said lightly, giving her a small hug from behind. "I saw you made me hot chocolate. Thank you."_

_Cali's smile widened. "I made some for me and thought you might like some. You may have to reheat it - I wasn't sure when you were getting home, so it's probably cold."_

_Michael drew back, settling his hands on her shoulders and gently massaging the muscles. "Sorry honey. The rain made the traffic crazy and my cell phone died. I'll try and call from work next time. I'll make it up to you, yeah?"_

_"You don't have to," Cali said, "I understand."_

_Yes. Yes, she did understand. Michael hadn't left home smelling like a woman's perfume. He hadn't left home with red lipstick under his nails._

_Michael was cheating on her._

.

Cali held her breath as she knocked on the door. Who knew if Tommy was even home - or if he'd be willing to speak to her so soon after their fight. She wouldn't be there are all if it weren't for Oliver's stupid deal. He'd go talk to Laurel if Cali would talk to her brother.

So here she was, standing outside his door like some love-struck fool. She shouldn't even be here. Tommy had a right to be angry with her, and now she was pushing him by showing up and asking him to forgive her. Why should he?

The door opened. "Cali," Tommy greeted flatly, face carefully blank.

"You don't seem particularly surprised to see me," Cali said.

Tommy just held up his phone. "Oliver texted and let me know. You didn't, though, which strikes me as unfortunate. My best friend will tell me that I can expect a family visit, but my little sister won't."

Cali winced, crossing her arms and curling her shoulders inwards. "I thought that if you knew, you'd tell me not to come, and I didn't want that."

"So you decided to spring me at my apartment?" Tommy raised a critical eyebrow. "My safe space?"

Cali bit back the urge to snap that it had been _their_ safe space once, back when she'd lived with him. After Michael...After everything. He'd let her stay with him, and she'd lived in the very same apartment she was standing in front of for a solid year. "I'm sorry. I'll go."

She turned away and started walking, shame burning hot in her stomach. She'd done this - ruined the only good relationship she had with her family. Malcolm didn't count, not yet. He apologised, and she forgave him, but that didn't mean she trusted him.

Tommy, she loved. If he turned her away and never forgave her, Cali didn't see the point in staying around. She could leave Starling City, leave everything, and go be someone else somewhere else.

Okay, so maybe she was a little dramatic. Whatever. She was entitled to her extremities.

She'd made it all the way to the car before a hand grabbed at her arm and Tommy turned her around. "You didn't give me a chance to explain," he puffed, amusement and affection warring on his face. "I called Parker after Oliver texted. You and I are going to Miko's, you're going to buy me a coffee and we're going to talk. At length. About Malcolm and Mom and Michael and everything else we never talk about."

It was the first time he'd mentioned their mother without his voice wavering.

Cali relaxed minutely, and let him escort her to the car. Parker didn't look any different than he had when he'd driven her to Tommy's apartment, but now she could definitely sense a smug vibe from him. What a rascal. She adored him.

Tommy let her get in first before following her, closing the door behind him with a solid thump. Parker started driving once their seat belts had been put on. "So," Cali began, feeling a little awkward now that it was just her and her brother together and alone. There was Parker of course, but he didn't really count. "Are you still angry at me?"

Tommy didn't answer her straight away, instead choosing to just stare at her for a moment. It looked like he was evaluating her, and checking her appearance, and looking for something in her face to give her away. Cali had nothing to hide anymore. "I was never angry at you," he answered finally. "Malcolm did a lot of bad things, and I can't bring _myself_ to forgive him. The fact that you could do it so easily made me jealous."

Jealous.

Tommy was _jealous_ of her. That-That didn't happen. That wasn't a thing. Who was jealous of _Cali_?

"I don't know what to tell you, Tommy," Cali said helplessly. "It was an instinctual thing. He made me hot chocolate and he sounded like he cared and I just...I'm stupid, alright? It was a stupid thing to do."

"It's not stupid to want your father to be a good person." Tommy's fingers twitched, as though he wanted to reach across to her, but he stayed his hand. Cali tried to hide her visible disappointment. Tommy sighed. "I really wanted to wait until we were at Miko's for this."

Stung, Cali recoiled slightly, pressing back against the door. She knew what he meant by that and something in her throat got tight and prickly. "At least at Miko's you'd have the option to run away," she said bitterly, trying and failing to bite back the betrayal that seeped through into her voice. After all of this, after what Tommy promised they'd talk about, he was still trying to find a way to get away from her.

Tommy's breath caught in his throat, and he groaned slightly. This time, he didn't stop himself from reaching out to her, and his cool fingers laced through her own shaking ones. "I wanted to wait to get to Miko's so that _you'd_ have the option to walk away."

Oh.

_Oh._

Cali felt a bit stupid now. Here she was, judging her brother for dealing with his emotions, and then he turned around and put more effort into caring about _her_. It didn't make sense. She'd made Tommy angry, and she'd betrayed his trust by going to Malcolm, so why was he being so _nice_? Nobody was ever nice to her after she made them upset.

She squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry," she said, meeting his eyes and hoping he understood what she was saying. "I love you."

Tommy's answering smile was soft and full of warmth. Cali's breathing stuttered at the pure _adoration_ that was seeping from her brother. Tommy loved her. How could she ever doubt that? Tommy squeezed her hand back. "I love you too, bub." He didn't have to verbally accept her apology, because his actions and his expressions spoke volumes. He would always forgive her.

And sure, maybe it wasn't healthy that they never _really_ had to apologise to each other. Sure, _maybe_ they needed to learn that it was okay not to agree. But maybe Cali was too broken to care about that, and maybe Tommy loved her too much to understand that they were wound too tightly around each other and one of them would end up suffocating.

Parker cleared his throat. "We're here, Mr Merlyn, Miss Cali."

A muscle feathered in Tommy's jaw at the formal address, no doubt comparing himself to Malcolm, but Cali squeezed his hand before letting go and the tension eased again almost instantly. Without saying anything else, the both of them easily stepped out of the car, Cali gifting Parker with a bright smile before closing the door again. Tommy was already hurrying into Miko's, the collar of his coat turned up in an attempt to find shelter from the brisk wind.

Cali took her time following him, taking deep breaths and scrambling to place her thoughts in some semblance of order. Tommy had promised that they would talk, but they couldn't do that if Cali didn't know what she wanted to say.

The waitress led them to the same booth they'd sat at last time, permanently booked under their name, and Tommy slid into his usual spot. Cali sat opposite him like usual. Everything was like it usually was. Cali's skin crawled with the wrongness of it.

"Are you eating?" Tommy asked casually, picking up a menu. "I think I might get some fries. I'm strangely hungry."

Cali shook her head mutely, just watching. It hadn't seemed like such a big deal in the car, but sitting here with Tommy and _knowing_ that they were going to talk about Mom and Malcolm and Oliver made her uncomfortable and nervous. She picked at a nail idly. Her leg jumped rhythmically. Tommy showed no signs of noticing or caring.

He knew, of course, but he was generous enough not to mention.

Tommy rattled off his order to the waitress, and Cali quietly asked for a chocolate milkshake without the cream. The waitress bustled off again with a bright smile. Her name tag said her name was Janet.

Janet had a nice smile.

Tommy clasped his hands together and leaned forward, his usually jovial eyes solemn and dark. "Talk to me about Malcolm," he requested.

Cali shifted in her seat, looking away from her brother for a moment. Her hands trembled. God, where did she even start? Tommy just waited patiently. "I had a headache," she began falteringly. "It was the end of the day, and I was alone and my head hurt, and I just wanted-" She broke off, swallowing back the words. Tommy had told her to be honest, but honesty was a weapon. If she told him that he'd been part of the reason she'd gone running to Malcolm, there would be no taking it back.

Tommy nudged her foot. "Keep going."

"I just wanted my dad," she admitted in a harsh whisper. She stared down at her hands, picking at her chipped purple nail polish. "I don't know, Tommy. I got out of the library after work, and I had a missed call from him. I mean, you texted me a warning. I called him back, he got worried because I sounded bad. I needed to hear that concern, Tommy. I needed to know that he cared."

"Cali, he _threatened_ you. He broke into your apartment, and he admitted to buying you your job, and he tried to use Mom against you. He's not a good person."

"Michael wasn't a good person and I loved him."

Tommy swallowed and looked away. Cali caught herself, reaching for her glass of water. She shouldn't say things like that so easily, so casually. She _knew_ that Tommy got upset whenever Michael was brought up. It was simple, really - she just had to not mention him.

Tommy's jaw clenched, but then he exhaled sharply and shook his head, the tension dropping off his shoulders as he looked back at her. His voice had lost the accusing edge. "There's no such thing as loving the wrong person," he said, his lips twisting into a strained, bitter rendition of a smile. "You love someone, and that's something that can't change. Sometimes they're just bad people, but that doesn't make your love for them wrong."

"But that doesn't excuse it." Cali splayed her hands helplessly, her water sloshing in the glass. "What do you want from me, Tommy? I loved Michael and he hit me. I love Malcolm and he's literally the world's _worst_ father. I love people that hurt me, and I don't know what that says about me."

"It says that you have a big heart and you want there to be good in the world." Tommy's eyes softened. "Cali, bub, there's nothing wrong with you, okay?"

What she wouldn't give to believe that.

Because Cali _wasn't_ a good person. It was her own stupid choices that had gotten Thea hurt two years ago. If she'd just done better with Michael, nobody else would have gotten involved. She wouldn't have to watch Oliver tip-toe around her because he didn't know what to say, how to act. He couldn't put up a wall against her, couldn't maintain his mask, and it spooked him. She _saw_ that it spooked him. She didn't want to spook him! She wanted him to be comfortable and _happy_. But he couldn't be comfortable with her around.

And Tommy...

Oh her beautiful brother.

Tommy and Cali had always been in orbit around each other. Growing close enough to shed light on each other, to cast shadows over their hearts, then pulling away again. They'd gravitated closer when Rebecca had died, and then drifted apart when the hurt started getting older and duller. They'd grown close when Tommy had gotten into a fight at school once Malcolm had come back, and then drifted apart when Oliver had started to get much more involved in their lives. They'd lived in a constant state of give and take, push and pull, flow and ebb.

When the _Gambit_ had gone down, and Oliver had gone down with it, Cali had spun out of orbit, and they'd collided, shooting away from each other and hurtling through space on their own and off-kilter.

Michael had pushed them back together again, their new orbit tight enough that their surfaces brushed, and that give and take became Cali taking and taking and taking and Tommy just giving and giving and giving.

It wasn't fair. Tommy's kind of love _wasn't fair_. He gave and he let her take, and she _couldn't_ give it back to him, because _Tommy wouldn't let her_. He loved her wholly, endlessly, deeply. He never truly let her love him back.

She'd never understood _why_.

Janet came back with their orders, balancing Tommy's food precariously on one arm while holding both of their drinks. "Sorry for the delay on the drinks," she said breathlessly as she set the glasses down, Tommy's plate following quickly. "Our other waitress just got called away about a family issue."

Cali took a drink from her milkshake, humming in appreciation. "Thank you, Janet," she said warmly, beaming at the woman. Janet's freckled cheeks coloured. "This is delightful."

"Just doing my job, miss," Janet said, rubbing her hands on her apron. "If you two need anything else, just wave me down. I'll be right over."

Cali offered another smile, while Tommy murmured an absent, "Thank you." He fiddled with his fries as Janet scurried away, her cheeks still pink. Cali took a longer drink. Tommy ate some fries. Neither of them said anything for a long moment. It was odd and uncomfortable, sitting there, unsure of what could and couldn't be said. Before this whole mess, there had been clear lines. Lines neither of them would cross.

Oliver's return had blurred those lines. Now, Cali was scrambling to try and find them again.

"I'm sorry about missing lunch with you," Tommy said finally, chewing rather sadly on a fry. He kept his eyes on his plate. Cali took another gulp of milkshake. "I know that I promised you I would be there, but Laurel showed up at my apartment. It's not much of an excuse, but she was shaking, Cali. She was absolutely distraught. She kept babbling about Oliver and Sara and-and her father, and I couldn't just _leave_ her there."

"I don't want your excuses, Tommy." Cali wasn't afraid to keep her eyes on her brother's face. Tommy tensed. "I was hurt about you missing lunch. Of course I was. But I'm not your keeper or your parent, okay? You can have your own life - even if it's a life you don't want me a part of. I don't want you to think that you're _shackled_ to me. Besides, Oliver came over."

"I broke my promise."

"You aren't the first. You won't be the last."

Broken promises were small change in a billionaires world. People dealt broken promises like they dealt drugs - shamelessly, easily, without thought or care. Too many promises made the entire concept cheap. Cali had long since learned not to be phased by it.

Michael had made millions of promises. So had Malcolm.

Tommy shifted in his seat. He ate the last of his fries. He avoided any sort of eye contact. "Cali..." He trailed off, throat bobbing. He tried again. "Bub, I don't ever want you to think that I'm _'shackled'_ to you in any way. That's not what this is."

"Tommy." Cali gave him a pitying look. Denial was such a _bitch_. "Whether you like it or not, you're bound to me and my issues. You think you aren't, but I know you are."

"That's not-"

Could you walk away from me right now?" Cali pinned him with her stare. "Not just from Miko's - would you be able to walk away from me and my issues and not feel guilty?"

"Of course not, but-"

"Tommy, like it or not, you're tied to me."

"I'm your brother." Tommy's voice was firmer now, solid and strong in his convictions. Tommy himself had straightened in his seat, frowning. Cali leaned back, and let him say his piece. She owed him that much. "You seem to think that I'm forced to stay here because I'll feel guilty for walking away, but I'm your _brother_. I'm here because I love you and I want to make sure that you're _happy_."

Cali looked away, out the window. People walked past on the street, busy with their own lives and their own choices and their own dilemas.

God, Tommy wasn't making this easy on her.

Cali looked back at her brother, and took a moment to truly study him. His hair was messier than usual, teased out of position by hands running through it constantly. There were purple smudges under his eyes, and his skin was paler than usual. He looked tired. And sure, maybe Cali couldn't claim all the responsibility. Sure, maybe Oliver coming back from the dead had worn down Tommy more than Cali ever could. But she wanted to be selfish, and she wanted someone to blame her, and she wanted it to be Tommy because Tommy never really got angry at her because he was scared of hurting her.

What he didn't consider was that Cali needed to be hurt sometimes. She needed to know that people weren't lying to her to protect her, weren't trying to shelter her from the big bad world. When she'd accused Michael of cheating and he'd hit her for the first time, she hadn't cried. It was affirmation. He'd _seen_ her. He knew she was there, that she could take it.

Tommy didn't hurt her anymore, not with his words. He was soft and gentle and she loved him for it, but Oliver's return had sent her into a death spiral and she needed it. Maybe that was why she went back to Malcolm so easily. If anyone would turn on her and hurt her and betray her it would be her father.

"You look like Mom," Tommy said suddenly, sounding wistful. His mouth had twisted into a sad smile, and Cali traced it with her eyes. He had their mother's lips. "Just...I don't know. I'm sorry."

Cali reached across and grabbed his hand. Tommy pushed away his plate with the other. "You said we got to talk about her now," she responded easily, as if this wasn't hurting her too. "So talk."

Because really, Tommy had been the one to hold onto Rebecca Merlyn. Not Malcolm, not Cali. Tommy. He did his best not to think about her, but there were times where his eyes would go blank and he'd...go away for a while. Retreat into his own head. He kept pictures of her in his apartment. He still had her number in his phone. He never quite managed to let her go.

Tommy swallowed thickly, sorrow welling up in his eyes. "I get angry at her sometimes," he admitted, voice barely above a whisper. "She-She left us, and I know that she was murdered and none of it was her fault, but if she was still _here_ then maybe Malcolm would've stayed too, and we would've been a family for longer than eight years."

Cali hummed wordlessly, and tapped his wrist with a free finger. "What else?"

"I miss her." Tommy's jaw clenched. "God, I miss her so much I think I might scream sometimes. How could she just...just.... _die_? It's not fair. We loved her and then she _left_."

"She was killed Tommy. It wasn't her choice."

"She left us and then Malcolm left us and then Oliver went down with the Gambit and then you went away with Michael and I don't understand why everyone keeps _leaving_."

Right. It was all starting to come out now. Cali adjusted her grip on her brother's hand, wincing as Tommy tensed, as if to pull away. She didn't want to let go of him, not yet. She needed to know that he understood what he was saying. She needed to know that he understood she wasn't ever going to leave him, not again.

Tommy used his free hand to pick at his now-cool fish. It was all that was left on his plate. He'd already eaten all his chips. "How long have you held onto that?" Cali asked quietly.

Tommy shrugged. "I don't know. I don't even know why I said it."

Cali didn't say anything for a long moment, instead choosing to fiddle with Tommy's fingers while she gathered her thoughts. "I think that Oliver coming back has pushed us all back a few steps," she said slowly. "We were going okay. You were trying your thing with Laurel, I was just promoted at the library. Thea was doing...okay. And now Oliver's back and suddenly things are spinning out of control. Malcolm is out of hiding. Thea is drowning. Laurel is hurting. And you and I...Tommy, I understand that you're feeling lost right now. I'm right there beside you."

"You look like Mom," Tommy said again, miserably, "and because of that, sometimes I can't stand to look at you."

_That_ got Cali to let go. Not because it hurt her to hear it, but because Tommy was going to the sky again, retreating into his thoughts. She wouldn't be able to reach him again, not until he'd worked through whatever was weighing on his mind. Tommy had a strange way of dealing with his grief and Cali could blame no-one for it but Malcolm Merlyn.

She flagged down Janet, who immediately started gathering the dishes. "I'll pay for the meal," Cali said warmly. "Do you mind if my brother sits here for a little while longer? We've had a little bit of an emotional conversation and he needs some times to process. I can pay extra in case he needs anything."

Janet waved her off, her tone friendly. "Don't worry about it," she said easily. "He can stay as long as he likes. I'll make him a coffee on the house and leave it for him."

"Thank you Janet. You're an angel."

The last thing Cali got to see of her beaming waitress was flushed cheeks dotted with freckled constellations.

.

_"You look like your mother," Michael said wonderingly, twirling a lock of her hair around his finger. He'd just finished his hot chocolate and changed into a pair of sweats. They were lying on the couch, tangled in each other. Cali could still smell the foreign perfume. "Well, at least, the photos of her I've seen. You have the same nose, and the same eyes, and the same cheeks."_

_Cali wanted to say something like, 'get out of my house' or 'you're a lying bastard and I can't stand you touching me right now'. Instead, she smiled against his neck and said, "That's what my brother always says."_

_Michael's tone got sharper. "You're speaking to him again?"_

_Mm, a complicated question to answer. Because really, Cali hadn't stopped talking to Tommy. She knew Michael didn't like it, but Tommy was her brother and she wasn't going to shut him out. Not after Oliver. They both needed someone and God knows Malcolm was out of the question. "It was my mother's birthday a few weeks ago," she said quietly, pressing a kiss to Michael's neck. "We had a brief conversation."_

_Michael relaxed, but only slightly. "You know I don't trust him. He seems unstable."_

_"Yes Michael."_

_"You wanna pick the movie tonight?"_

_"Yes Michael."_

.

Cali had just gotten home when she got the call from Laurel.

"You got _attacked_?" Cali repeated shrilly. "Are you okay? Did they hurt you? Oh my god, why were they after you?"

Laurel shushed her. "I'm fine," she said deliberately. "Oliver was with me, and he protected me. His bodyguard, uh John, I think? John came in and made sure we were safe."

"John's good like that." Cali specifically didn't mention Oliver. She didn't feel like talking to Laurel about a man who'd been dead for five years. Not after the draining, fragmented conversation she'd had with Tommy at Miko's. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Laurel laughed. "Yeah. Just a little shaken up. My dad's with me now."

Cali let out a breath. "Good. I'll swing by during my lunch break tomorrow, yeah? Check up on you? We can go for milkshakes at the little cafe by the bookstore."

"Sounds good," Laurel agreed. A pause, and then: "Did you and Tommy make up?"

Cali sighed, long and low. "Yeah," she said. "We had a talk. About Mom. It was...hard. I don't think he'll leave his apartment until the presentation tomorrow."

Laurel made a small noise of understanding. "You want me to keep an eye on him?"

"If you wouldn't mind."

"Of course. I'll even force feed him breakfast."

See, this was why Cali loved Laurel. "You're the best," she said, and Laurel just snorted.

"I know."


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moira realises a few things about the Merlyn family. Oliver tries to burn his bridges. Cali just wants everything to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't have much to say about this one. We're finally getting somewhere!  
> As always, leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"I am the man we both couldn't stand_  
I can't wash off the dirt from my hands  
What was it like to feel in love"  
**MATT MAESON - _'The Hearse'_**

.

"So," Cali said, pressing the phone to her shoulder with her cheek while she pushed a book back onto the shelf. "I heard you played valiant defender last night at Laurel's place. You alright?"

Oliver shifted, the sound sounding stifled through the phone. "Yeah. I got a lucky shot with a kitchen knife. Nothing too major. Diggle did most of the fighting."

"That's not what his text says."

Oliver sighed. "He thinks I'm hiding something."

_You are_ , Cali almost said, but managed to bite her tongue in time. Now wasn't the time to start a fight about secrets and heartache. "Well, you can prove him wrong at the Applied Sciences Center opening. That's today, right?"

Oliver was polite enough not to mention the glaringly obvious subject change. He sighed heavily. "Yeah. Lunchtime. You're still coming, aren't you?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"I thought that's what you said about my court date when I got legally resurrected, but you missed that." Oliver's voice wasn't accusing, only tired. "I don't want to pressure you into coming if you don't feel up for it."

Cali jammed a book onto the shelf rather harshly, a grimace pulling at her lips. Nancy gave a strange look from the office. "You've spoken to Tommy, I take it." It wasn't a question.

"He called this morning, after Laurel left his place. He's worried about you."

"He'd better be worried about himself," Cali muttered to herself, picking up the empty book box and stalking towards the office. Nancy saw her coming and blanched, grabbing some paperwork and scuttling away seconds before Cali got there. She could move fast for an old lady. "I swear, when I see him next-"

Oliver cut her off. "I'm sure Tommy didn't mean it in a bad way. From what I've seen since I've been back, he's overprotective of you no matter what you do. I think you may just have to deal."

And now, didn't that put Cali in an uncomfortable position? She couldn't very well tell Oliver that the reason Tommy was being such a bastard about looking after her was because his trust for the new Oliver Queen was significantly less than the trust he'd had for Ollie Queen. It was obvious that Tommy was still off-balance about the whole situation. His instinct was to take Cali and hide them both under covers until the bad thing went away.

Unfortunately, Cali didn't think it was all just going to 'go away' this time. She had a horrible feeling they might actually have to deal with it.

"I'll meet you at the presentation, okay?" She said, suddenly very, very tired. "I've got some more re-shelving to do."

Oliver's murmured goodbye sounded awfully despondent.

Cali shook her head as she hung up and tossed her phone on her desk. God, this whole thing was turning into a bigger and bigger mess. Tommy was floundering, Thea was floundering, Laurel was floundering. Cali's spiral was getting tighter and faster, and Oliver was standing by in the shadows, watching it all fall apart.

Cali filled the box with more books, her hands moving on autopilot as she let herself slip into her own head. The phone call just now had only served as a reminder - this new Oliver was nothing like the Ollie she'd come to know and love. _Her_ Ollie had been easy to read, his emotions on display for the world to see, his intents and beliefs painted across his face every second of the day. _Her_ Ollie had smiled more.

But this strange new Oliver they'd found, he was different. He didn't smile much anymore. He faked it, but he never really _smiled_. His voice was harsher, more guttural, and there was a sharpness to him that hadn't existed before the _Gambit_ went down. His emotions and thoughts were locked up, pinned behind a solid wall of polite blankness that Cali was struggling to knock down.

She wandered over to the shelves and began setting books back. She didn't know how to bridge the gap between her brother and her newly-revived friend. She wasn't even sure that she wanted to. She was a selfish person by nature. If Tommy and Oliver managed to grow closer, she would lose both of them to each other, and then lose them to Laurel, and she'd be left on her own.

Not that she could fault them for it! More than anything, she wanted them both to be happy, but she didn't necessarily want 'happy' to be without her. That was horrible, wasn't it? She shuddered, cramming a particularly thick book in the tiny space left for it. Here she was, deciding that she wanted to keep her boys for herself, when Oliver was clearly still traumatised by his time away and Tommy was at war with himself over Malcolm.

She was a bad person, and a terrible sister, and an even worse friend.

She jumped when Nancy tapped her on the shoulder, the poor darling looking more than a little apprehensive. "Sorry for interrupting," Nancy said, rubbing her wrinkled hands together, "but Moira Queen is asking for you out front."

Perfect. That was just perfect. Cali blew out a breath and looked down at the book box, still half-filled with novels. "Alright," she sighed. "Thank you Nancy. Please tell her I'll be right out. I'll just return all this to the office."

Chances were, if Moira was here for her, she wouldn't be getting any more work done this morning.

Nancy bustled off, mumbling something under her breath. Cali didn't care to try and hear it. Instead, she reached down and picked up the book box, grunting slightly with the effort of hoisting it up onto her shoulder. Regulations declared that she really shouldn't carry it like that, but she found it very hard to care today.

Martha was just settling in at her desk in the corner when Cali made it into the office, dropping the box down onto her chair. "Morning," Cali greeted amenably, checking her watch. "A little late this morning?"

Martha grumbled, "My niece needed me for something."

Cali raised an eyebrow but decided not to push. Martha's business was her business. Cali had no right to nose around in it. "Listen," she said, rubbing her eyes, "could you please call Naomi? I have to leave earlier than I thought, and we still have that group of school kids coming in soon. I need her to lead the group, if she could, and I'll get you to finish shelving these. Nancy should be working through entering the rest of the new books into the system. That school group isn't scheduled to leave until about 3pm, so Naomi will be with them all day. Once you've finished shelving, could you please sit down with Nancy and work out our next book order? We had some new requests come through last week."

Martha blinked at her, eyes wide and lips parted slightly. Her blonde hair, pinned up in a rather pretty twist of some sort, fluttered in the fan-breeze. "Sure," she said eventually, scribbling something down on her notepad. "What about the paperwork from yesterday? Brenden left it for you like you asked."

Right. Brenden had actually texted her a reminder about that. Cali's brows pinched together. "Oh, leave that for me to do tomorrow. I should be in all day and I can get it done."

Martha snorted in disbelief, but didn't vocally challenge her. Instead, she picked up the phone and began to dial, presumably calling Naomi. "Get going," she said easily with a pointed look at the door. "I saw Moira Queen on my way in, and I'd hate to keep her waiting."

Cali flushed, grabbing her handbag and phone. "Thank you, Martha." She hesitated before leaving the office. "I like your hair today."

She stepped out before she could hear Martha's response.

She paused, a thought occurring to her out of the blue, and she turned her phone on, tapping on Laurel's contact and tapping out a text. If Moira was here, then Cali would have to cancel their plans to meet up before the presentation. Maybe they could go out for a drink afterwards.

Laurel texted back an affirmative and a smiley face, and Cali jammed her phone in the pocket of her jeans and started moving again.

It was only a brief walk from the office to the front desk, and Cali used the short reprieve to gather herself. Moira being here didn't automatically mean bad news, despite what everyone seemed to think. It was probably just an opportunity for Moira to talk to Cali about the presentation, and what would be expected. _It didn't have to be bad news._

"Ah, here she is," Nancy said loudly when Cali finally made it to the front desk. "Have you sorted everything for this afternoon?"

Cali gave the elderly woman a gentle smile. "Martha knows my instructions," she explained. "I'm calling in Naomi to help."

Nancy bustled off again, leaving Cali to clock out before turning to Moira. The Queen woman was tapping away at her phone, clearly at ease and attention as Cali finally got herself together. Without a word, Moira turned away, frowning down at her phone, and motioned for Cali to follow her. Silently, Cali did, switching on her phone and sending out a few quick texts of her own.

To Tommy she wrote, _'Just checking in. Everything going okay on your end?'_

To Oliver she wrote, _'Anything I should know about before getting in a car with your mother?'_

Oliver shot back a text right away, _'Not yet.'_

Cali narrowed her eyes and didn't text back. Tommy didn't respond at all.

Moira never said a word until both of them were strapped in the backseat of the Queen limo, and they were driving. "Sorry Cali, dear," she said lightly, setting her phone aside. "I seem to be having some trouble tracking my wayward son."

Cali managed a grim smile. "That seems to be the norm for Oliver lately." She shifted in her seat. "I do like the new John Diggle though. He seems to be very dependable."

Moira's mouth tightened with displeasure. "I don't appreciate that he always seems to lose Oliver. I'm not hiring him to play hide-and-seek."

"Protecting Oliver would be hard for anybody, Moira, and you know it. Mr Diggle keeps tabs on Oliver to the best of his ability, and isn't afraid to come to me or Tommy if he needs to. He gives me updates if I ask. He's a good man."

Moira said, "I'm not paying him to be a good man. I'm paying him to protect my son."

"And he seems to be doing okay so far." Cali's smile gained a fraction of warmth. "Oliver is difficult on a good day. He'll come around."

Moira hummed doubtfully, but let the subject drop. "I've informed your driver that you won't be needing his services this morning," she said instead. "I hope that's alright."

When Cali nodded easily, Moira turned her attention out the window. Cali followed her lead, training her gaze on the blurred pavement. People dissolved into smears of colours and fragments of lives, and Cali watched it all pass with a sense of disconnected curiosity. How strange it was to think that there were people living their life without having friends come back from the dead. Normal people, with mundane problems and boring routines.

Cali was almost, _almost_ , jealous.

.

Moira studied the girl sitting across from her intently, tracing the curves of her face and the downturn of her lips. She seemed troubled, pensive, and Moira wondered what sort of trouble her son had brought upon Malcolm's children simply by remaining alive. She also wondered what sort of trouble Calissa and Tommy had brought upon _Oliver_.

Michael Martin's name floated at the forefront of her mind, and her lips thinned in displeasure. It was likely that her son already knew about Cali's...problem, but Moira had no way of knowing just how much Oliver had been told about the situation.

God knows he wouldn't open up to her about it.

"Calissa, darling, I have to talk to you about something." Moira watched Cali straighten at the serious tone, turning away from the window and the enticing word beyond. "I'm worried about Oliver. He keeps...disappearing at odd hours. I don't know where he goes, and given that Mr Diggle has limited success in finding Oliver once he vanishes, I was wondering if you know where he vanishes to."

Cali's brows furrowed as she considered the question. Her fingers twitched in her lap, the nails on her left hand coming to rest on the skin of her right wrist. Moira said nothing when those nails began to gently tug at the skin, scratching and twisting as Cali stared absently at nothing.

It was a habit that had developed during her time with Michael.

Finally, Cali shook her head reluctantly, disappointment coating her pretty features. "I'm sorry," she said unhappily. "The only thing I can think of is when I stayed with my father. Tommy said he asked Oliver to check out my apartment, but he never mentioned Mr Diggle. So if Oliver had already slipped away, my brother may be the only one who can give us more information."

Moira was careful not to change her expression as she tucked the information away. Talking to Tommy would be no bother - she liked the boy - but what troubled her more about what Cali had revealed was that the girl had spent the night at the Merlyn mansion. Surely Malcolm hadn't forced the matter. He wouldn't have dared, not with the serum active in Cali's veins.

Except that Moira had been under the impression that both Merlyn children had renounced their father. It didn't make sense that Cali would willingly stay the night, unless-

Moira's eyes widened.

Unless the serum was influencing the girl's emotions.

"How _are_ things between you and your father?" Moira asked carefully, taking note of the way Cali winced at the question, the way her nails suddenly bit deeper into her skin, the way her shoulders drew up towards her ears slightly.

"I'm guessing you heard about what happened."

Moira raised a shoulder in an imitation of a shrug. "Nobody's told me any specifics, if that's what you're wondering."

Cali took several deep breaths, each exhale more shaky than the last. "I don't know what to say about me and my father," she admitted, looking back out the window. "I just know that my headaches are getting worse and he offered me hot chocolate. It's not impossible that I still love him - he's my father! I'm allowed to seek him out for comfort."

Moira reached out a soothing hand. "I didn't mean to criticise, dear. I was just curious. I'm sorry for making you upset."

Cali shook her head, features twisting with frustration. "No, _I'm_ sorry. I shouldn't have reacted badly. I'm finding my emotions a little hard to control lately." She tried for a smile when she looked back at Moira. "I'm sure it's just a lack of sleep."

Moira returned the smile and nodded, even as uneasiness settled in her stomach and a horrified sense of knowing wrapped around her heart and squeezed. The serum was kicking in much sooner than expected. _Too_ soon, almost. If it reached full power without any sort of damper, both the Undertaking and Cali would be nothing more than a memory.

Moira settled back into the seat and watched Cali watch the world for the rest of the drive.

.

Cali found Tommy pretty quickly at the presentation, relieved to see that he'd brightened up. There were no traces of shadows on his face and his eyes had cleared. He waved at her when he finally noticed her walking towards him. "Cali!" He cheered.

Cali managed a short laugh as he grabbed her around the shoulders and pulled her into a hug. "Hey Tommy."

He pressed a kiss to her forehead when he drew back, ruffling her hair affectionately. Cali scowled as he messed up her neat ponytail. "Thanks for sending Laurel to check up on me," he said lightly. "I needed her support."

"Sure thing, Tommy."

Tommy looped his arm through hers and they moved away from the main crowds of people, instead lingering by the edge of the clearing. "Speaking of Laurel," Tommy said faux casually, peering over at the blonde, "did you know that Oliver spent the night at her place?"

Cali nudged him playfully. "Jealous, are we?"

Tommy battered her arm away, scowling. "No, of course not. I'm just worried about Oliver finding out about us."

"You don't have to worry about those two yet," Cali promised earnestly. "Oliver was over at Laurel's because I told him to talk to her about Sara. They got attacked not long after he got there, and then he left again. He didn't actually spend the night."

Tommy went stock still. Cali winced. Clearly Tommy hadn't known about the whole 'got attacked and nearly died' thing.

She was saved from having to explain herself by Walter stepping up the microphone, a pleasant smile fixed firmly in place. There was still no sign of Oliver.

"Good afternoon and thank you all for coming." Walter flicked his eyes over everyone, lingering on Cali and Tommy for a second longer than everyone else. "Welcome to the future site of the Robert Queen Memorial Applied Sciences Center."

Tommy whispered in her ear, "That's a long-ass name, yeah?" Cali's giggle was lost in the applause.

Walter continued, "Now, this is a building that will stand as a monument to the man whose company and vision are his greatest legacies-"

"Whoa! Whoa!" Cali barely had enough time to register the appearance of one _very_ disheveled Oliver Queen before he was grabbing a glass of champagne and downing it in one go. "What about me?" He called. "Right? I'm a legacy!" He moved over toward the stage, passing right by Cali.

"Oliver!" She hissed. He faltered, but didn't stop. He didn't even glance her way.

"Hey!" Oliver reached the makeshift stage and grinned widely up at Walter. "Thanks for warming them up for me, Walt." With no hesitance, Oliver hoisted himself up onto the stage and ushered Walter away, leaning into the microphone. "All right. Ow!" He cursed as he stumbled. Walter's grip on the ceremonial shovel tightened. Oliver took it without a care. "Fine, fine shovel." Cali paled when he nearly dropped it. "Whoa! Ow!"

"What is he _doing_?" She hissed at Tommy. Tommy floundered, mouth gaping as he stared blankly at his best friend. Oliver didn't even breathe in their direction. Cali grabbed on to Tommy's arm tightly.

A woman who was hovering by the refreshment table murmured, "He must be drunk."

Cali squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and took a deep breath. When she blinked them back open, Oliver was still standing on stage, a silly grin tugging at his lips.

Oliver spent another few minutes fumbling around on stage, a stupid look on his face. Cali could see Moira scrubbing at her face, disappointment and shame sweeping across her expression. Walter just stood by and watched Oliver run himself into the ground.

Oliver leaned into the microphone. "Some of you may not know me. My name is Oliver Queen. Watch some television, read a newspaper, and I'm kinda famous right now. Mostly, though, I'm famous because I'm Robert Queen's son." Here, he paused, sorrow settling in on him. He shook it off and turned to Walter. "Uh, but as Walter, who's my new dad-"

Walter visibly tensed on stage, and Tommy swore under his breath.

Oliver continued blithely, "Huh? Sorry." He seemed to shake himself slightly, the manic glee of his drunken stupor fading slightly Bitterness crept in. "As Walter was saying, I'm not much of a legacy per se." Walter murmured something but Oliver waved him off. Cali bit her lip. "No, sit. Sit! Gosh. See, I was supposed to come here today, and I'm supposed to take my rightful place at the company. Prodigal son returns home and becomes the heir apparent."

"Oliver _stop_ ," Cali whispered helplessly as the mirth fell away from Oliver's face.

Oliver finally, _finally_ , directed his attention to the spot where Tommy and Cali stood, his lips down-turned and his eyes hooded and dark. "But I'm not my father. I'm not the man he was. I'm not _half_ the man he was. I never will be. So, please, _stop asking me to be_."

He wandered to the side of the stage, throwing the shovel carelessly in the dirt. For a moment, his expression pinched, as if regret was overcoming the alcohol, but then his face smoothed out and he walked off the stage, refusing to look at Moira, Thea or the press.

Someone jostled Tommy as the crowds started murmuring, and he turned to face Laurel. "What the hell was that?" She breathed lowly, eyes blown wide with shock. "I thought he'd changed!"

Tommy offered her a helpless shrug. "I don't know what's happening in his head," he muttered. "I mean - look at Thea. Oliver's been so up-in-arms about keeping her safe only to turn around and hurt her? Something's up."

_Yeah_ , Cali thought harshly, _something's up._

Without a word or backwards glance, she slipped away from Tommy and Laurel, hurrying through the crowds after Oliver as he slinked away from the clearing. It was strange - the further away he got, the more his gait seemed to steady and even out, as if the alcohol was wearing off.

Or there'd never _been_ any alcohol and Oliver had just played them all for fools.

.

"Oliver Jonas Queen, you stop right there or I swear to God, I am going to _kick your ass_."

Cali's voice was acidic and Oliver winced as he faltered to a stop, clenching his hands into fists by his side. For a moment, he considered what would happen if he started walking again. Would Cali chase him? Would she run?

Or would she let him go?

"If you think I'm going to let you walk away from here without an explanation, you better think again. I want answers, Oliver, and they better be _damn_ good ones."

He didn't turn around, couldn't muster the courage for that yet, but he made sure his voice was wobbly and his words were slurred when he said, "I don't know what you're talking about, guppy."

Cali laughed joylessly, the dead sound sliding under Oliver's skin and grinding along his bones. God, he _hated_ hearing that laugh. It unnerved him more than it ought to. "Turn around," she said lowly. Oliver didn't move. "For fuck's sake, Oliver, just turn around!"

Slowly, Oliver let his hands relax as he spun on his heel, splaying his arms wide in an attempt to reconstruct his 'drunken party boy' facade. "What do you want from me, Cali?" He yelped, grinning stupidly. "Hm? You wanna be my parent now? You don't approve of Walter either?"

"Shut up," Cali said viciously, "and drop the act. You're not drunk, Oliver."

"You're trying to tell me what I am now?" Oliver chuckled meanly. "Damn, Cali, if I knew I'd be coming home to a prison, I might've just stayed on the island."

Cali's expression twisted, and guilt rose like bile in Oliver's throat. He hated this, hated hurting her. But she wouldn't understand, and he didn't have the heart to explain it to her. Let her think he was a drunkard. Let her think he was shallow and heartless and cruel like everyone else did. She didn't owe him anything.

She stepped toward him, shaking her head. "You aren't drunk," she said again, "but if you want to speak from behind a mask, I'll let you. Just...Just tell me _why_. Why spit on your father? Why ruin your own reputation, amongst your family and amongst the public? What do you gain?"

Oliver swallowed heavily, sliding his eyes to a spot just over her shoulder. "I don't know what you're talking about," he repeated stubbornly.

Clai sighed, moving close enough to him that she could reach up and cup his face. "I don't know what you're hiding from," she said, her voice gentling, "but whatever it is scares you. I'm here, okay? Always have been always will be. But you just gotta let me in, Ollie. I can't help you if you insist on keeping me at arm's length."

Oliver stayed statue-still until Cali drew back and took several steps backwards. "Go home, Cali," he said heavily. "Just...go home."

Disappointment washed over her features. "Next time you want to fake being drunk, make sure you smell like it."

And then she was gone, and Oliver was left watching her walk away.

John Diggle watched him from a slight distance, and Oliver met his eyes long enough to see the pity, and then he turned on his heel and walked fast enough that it might have been considered running away.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malcolm causes trouble. Tommy sets Cali up with the cute waitress.  
> Cali goes out for the night. Things, as always, go wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Janet? She plays an important part later on, so I really hope you guys don't hate her  
> leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"Cause in this life things are so much harder than in the after world  
In this life you're on your own"_   
**PRINCE - _'Let's Go Crazy'_**

.

Cali ignored her phone as it buzzed away on the table, Malcolm's name lighting up the screen. It was the fifth time he'd tried to call her this morning, and each time, she let the call go to voicemail. There was only one person she would care to hear from today and it wasn't her father, no matter how she felt about him now.

"My God," Naomi groaned dramatically from Martha's desk. "Please shut that thing up. It's doing my head in."

Cali simply cocked an eyebrow at the woman. "You're welcome to go out to the front desk. You know, where you're _supposed_ to be?"

Naomi lips peeled into a feline smile. "Ah, boss, you know how Nancy gets about other people at the front desk. Besides, I'm here to do Martha's job today and that means I get her desk. Which _means_ I have to listen to that fucking phone of yours go off every five minutes."

Cali sighed, snatching up the offending device and jabbing the green answer button, ignoring Naomi's victorious cry. "Hello father dearest," she said tightly. "Are we making a habit of this now?"

Malcolm's laugh was low and startled, as if he hadn't expected so much venom so early in the day. "Daughter," he greeted. "Have I offended you in some way, so as to earn your...disapproval?"

Cali rubbed at the tender spot between her eyebrows, trying to stifle the headache that had been running laps around her cranium for days now. No painkillers seemed to be able to put a stop to it, and she was starting to wonder if she should get a doctor to check her out. Maybe she had a brain tumour.

"I'm sorry," she said, trying to squash the aggression in her voice. "It's been...a long few days. My employees are being particularly challenging today." She shot a pointed glance at Naomi, who whistled innocently as though she wasn't listening to the conversation. "What do you need?"

Malcolm sounded warm and worried when he said, "I _need_ to make sure my daughter's okay. You sound like you're in pain. Are you okay? Is it your headaches?"

Cali smiled despite herself. It would never get old, Malcolm acting like a parent. She'd gone so long with Moira and Tommy trying to fill that void, with trying not to care, with choosing to forget about what those eight years had been like before her mother had died.

To have it all now... "Yeah, it's my headaches," she admitted, and Malcolm made a strange chuffing sound. "But I'm okay. I'm managing. And though I do adore your concern, I really have a lot of work to do and I can't stay on the phone for long."

"Right, of course." Except Malcolm seemed distracted now. "I was calling about your brother. Tommy seems to be...avoiding me of late. Not that he was actively approaching me with open arms before, but this time his absence seems particularly pointed. Do you happen to know the reason why?"

Cali bit her lip, her fingers stuttering to a halt on her brow. Shit, she should have known this would come back to bite her in the ass. What was she supposed to say? 'Hey, I made your son hate himself for not hating you and now he's trying to pretend he doesn't know you!' It didn't really sound that great.

She blew out a breath. "I forgave you," she said slowly. "Tommy can't. Not yet."

Malcolm was quiet for a few beats, only his steady breathing alluding to his presence remaining. "I see." He inhaled sharply, something like genuine regret lacing through his next words. "I'll try not to take it to heart then. Anyways, I should leave you to your work. If you ever need me, I'm just a call away, okay?"

Cali clutched the phone tightly, voice barely above a whisper. "Okay."

"I love you Calissa."

Malcolm hung up without waiting to see if she'd say it back. Maybe he'd finally figured out that she couldn't, not yet. In the same way that Tommy couldn't bring himself to give Malcolm forgiveness, Cali couldn't bring herself to give Malcolm her love. The last time she'd done that so freely, Michael had pushed Thea down the stairs.

She pulled the phone away from her ear, staring down at the warm screen with a frown. There were so many things happening lately that she didn't understand. Oliver. Malcolm. Tommy. Everything was spiraling.

Cali stood up, tucking her paperwork into a neat pile and setting it aside. Naomi swiveled in her seat, casting her eyes back to her computer screen as if she hadn't been watching Cali throughout the phone call. Cali shook her head. "I'm taking an early lunch break," she said. "Would you mind checking in with Nancy?"

Namoi nodded mutely, her eyes tracking Cali as she grabbed her bag and her phone and disappeared out of the office. Nancy was too busy sorting some books to notice her leave.

Cali had typed and sent a text to Tommy before she'd gotten halfway down the block, her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she crammed her phone into her purse and focused on walking as quickly as she could.

_'Miko's. Now. I'm taking lunch early. We have to talk.'_

Maybe she was reacting badly to something that seemed small and insignificant, but Cali knew what Malcolm was like, even if she was wearing 'rose-coloured glasses'. If he'd noticed Tommy avoiding him, he'd end up doing something, lashing out some way, and people would get hurt.

Cali was sick of people getting hurt.

She got to Miko's in record time, bypassing any and all personnel until she got to her usual table. She was sitting there for barely a minute before a familiar figure hurried over, notepad out. "Hey there stranger," Janet said with a smile. "A little early today, aren't we?"

Cali managed to twitch her lips into her own tired smile. "Something came up that I have to talk to my brother about. I hope it's not a problem?"

Janet's smile softened. "Never a problem, honey. Can I get you anything while you wait?"

"A milkshake would be lovely, thank you."

Alone once more, Cali settled herself, pulling out her phone and busying herself by opening the message chain between her and Oliver. She'd sent a string of texts over the past few days, some accusing, some questioning. All unanswered. Her fingers hesitated over the keyboard before she backed out of the conversation, tapping on Laurel's contact instead.

_'I could really use a distraction,'_ she typed. _'You up for a girl's night?'_

Laurel responded almost instantly. _'Joanna and I are heading out tonight. You wanna come with? You can come over and get ready at my place.'_

Cali brightened. _'Done and done. I'll see you at six?'_

Laurel just texted back a smiley face.

Cali shut her phone off and set it face down on the table, instead opting to fiddle with her fingers while she waited. Maybe she was being silly, calling Tommy here in a rush like she was. Maybe Malcolm didn't mean anything by it. Maybe her lack of sleep and her constant headache were addling her brain.

Her phone buzzed on the table and she pounced on it, deflating slightly when Tommy's name flashed. _'Almost there. You okay?'_

_'I'm fine.'_

Evidently, Tommy's fears weren't quite eased because he sent, _'I love you.'_

Cali could barely make her stiff fingers type out those same three words and send them back. She did, of course, but it was a struggle. Cali didn't know what that said about her. She didn't care to consider it either. She could only handle so much existential and emotional dread.

"One chocolate milkshake made by the wondrous _moi_ ," Janet announced cheerfully, setting the drink down in front of her. Cali hummed appreciatively. Janet winked at her. "There's malt in there, along with a dash of our new musk syrup. I can give it my personal stamp of approval."

Cali tried a sip, eyes blowing wide as the flavours exploded across her tongue. She managed to swallow before turning to her amazing waitress and exclaiming loudly, "Janet, oh my god! This is _amazing_!"

Janet flushed slightly, flipping through her notebook as Cali took another, longer drink of her heavenly creation. "It's nothing special," Janet offered sheepishly. "I just thought you could use something special. You looked like you needed a pick-me-up."

"Janet, with milkshake skills like this, you can pick me up _anytime_." Cali didn't miss the way Janet's breathing stuttered. She chose not to focus on it, and instead just pasted on a beaming smile and looked up at her new favourite person. "Oh, I adore you. You're going to be my waitress forever, I hope you know. I can't let your skills be wasted on other people."

Janet stammered her way through an excuse to leave, and Cali laughed silently to herself as the young woman made her escape.

Really though, it was an amazing milkshake. Cali may have a new favourite.

"I do believe Miss Janet has a crush on you," Tommy declared as he plopped down in the other chair at the table. Cali made a non-committal noise and took a sip. Fuck, this got better with each mouthful. "She's a sweet thing, isn't she?"

Cali fixed him with a dry look. "Tommy, don't try and set me up with our waitress."

He grinned. "Why not? She's very clearly into you, and she's very easy on the eyes. Besides, we both know she's your type."

"And what's my type?"

"Well, it seems she can make a mean milkshake-"

"Tommy Merlyn, how dare you."

Tommy held up his hands. "Alright, alright, I'll let the waitress thing go. But if she winds up with your number, I take full credit." Cali groaned, drinking more of her milkshake. She was going to finish it too quickly at this rate. Tommy leaned forward. "So what's up? Your text suggested something serious was happening."

Ah. Just like that, the Janet-inspired elation vanished, burned away by the Malcolm-induced uneasiness that was still crawling through her veins. Cali sagged slightly, playing with her straw. "You've been avoiding Malcolm," she said, and Tommy's shoulders tensed.

"Yeah, so what?" He leaned back, folding his arms across his chest defensively. "That doesn't mean anything. I'm my own person, I can make my own choices."

"He's noticed, Tommy." She didn't need to explain further.

Tommy blew out a heavy breath. "Right." Both of them remembered what had happened last time Malcolm had 'noticed' one of them avoiding him.

It was after Michael, as everything seemed to be these days, when Cali and Tommy were living together. Cali refused to be near her father. He'd never done anything for her, and she was still healing. Tommy had been the only person who could touch her without her freaking out.

And then Malcolm had stormed into Tommy's apartment, grabbed her arm, dragged her to his car and proceeded to yell that Rebecca was _dead_ and they owed it to him to at least _try_ and appreciate that he was doing his best.

_"I didn't lose my wife just to have my daughter make a fool out of me,"_ he'd spat as Tommy had hauled her back inside the apartment. _"She didn't die so that you could throw your life away!"_

Cali hadn't left the apartment for a solid week and a half afterwards.

So yes, Malcolm could be cruel. He'd come back after two years away only to turn around and prevent either of them from seeing the Queen family for six months before Tommy threatened to go to the press, scarily smart even at eleven years old.

"He called me," Cali said, finishing off her milkshake. "He asked me if I knew why you were avoiding him. I just said you hadn't managed to forgive him yet."

Tommy shook his head. "That won't keep him away for long. I'll think of something. Thanks for the heads up."

Cali hummed, pushing away her empty glass and adjusting her position. She felt better now, having warned Tommy. Her fears were eased, especially since he hadn't brushed her off or said she was being silly. He'd taken her seriously. Not many people gave her that courtesy.

But onto nicer things. Cali still had twenty minutes left of lunch, and she'd heard rumours of Oliver's latest investment. "Hey Tommy," she started, eyes twinkling. Tommy relaxed at her lighter tone of voice. "Is it true Ollie's starting up a nightclub?"

Tommy grinned roguishly. "Yep," he confirmed. "I was actually just with him in the space he's got for it. He seems pretty set on it. I think it might be good for him, you know, having something to focus on."

"Has he got a name for it yet?"

Tommy shrugged. "Not that I know of. I told him not to name it Queens, cause he'd probably get a different sort of clientele."

Cali kicked him underneath the table. "Tommy!" she hissed, even as a smile broke out across her face. "That's a terrible thing to say!"

"True though."

Well yeah, she had to give him that one. "How's John taking it?"

"The bodyguard?" Tommy pulled a face. "He's the same as ever. It's hard to read him, really, so trying to figure out how he feels about this whole club thing is impossible."

Cali didn't quite agree at all. John seemed like a very easy man to read, because everything he _wanted_ to say was clear in everything he _didn't_ say. Like when she'd seen him at Oliver's homecoming bash. She could tell that pride in his work was the only thing keeping Mr John Diggle from smacking Oliver upside the head and telling him to get his shit together.

Cali was quite fond of Mr John Diggle if she did say so herself.

"Oh!" Cali snapped her fingers, remembering about her plans with Laurel. Tommy jumped slightly. "Laurel, Joanna and I are having a girl's night tonight. So if I disappear, don't send Ollie after me again cause he won't find me in my apartment."

Tommy flushed. "I was worried!" He protested. "You can't blame me for wanting to check up on you."

"Well, I _can_."

"Have mercy on me, bub." Something in Tommy's expression shifted when Janet bustled over to clear their table. "Hi Janet."

Janet smiled warmly at him. "Hello Mr Tommy. Can I get you anything?"

Tommy glanced slyly at Cali, who was beginning to remember why her brother was such a damn pain in her ass. She shook her head. Tommy simply flashed her a shark-like grin and said to Janet, "See, my sister keeps trying to pretend that she doesn't find you very attractive, but I know better. So if you could give me your number so I can give it to her, I would be _very_ grateful."

" _Thomas Merlyn_!" Cali very carefully did _not_ look at Janet.

There was a beat of silence before Janet tore a page out of her trusty notebook and said, "Well, it's a good thing I find her attractive too. I'm not working Sunday if she wants to come find me." She added, almost like an afterthought, "It's a big city, though. She might get lost."

Cali's gaze shot right to Janet's face. Janet's cheeks were flushed, but her eyes sparkled with mirth and a little bit of adoration, and something softer than a smirk played at Cali's lips. She leaned forward. "I love a challenge," she purred.

Tommy laughed loudly as Janet squeaked, any sense of confidence vanishing like smoke on the wind. "Have a good day," Janet said in a rush, picking up Cali's empty glass and leaving a piece of paper in its place. Cali waited until the other girl had disappeared behind the counter before picking it up.

A phone number was scrawled in loopy handwriting.

Tommy made a demented face, puffing his lips out and fluttering his eyelashes. "Janet and Cali sitting in a tree," he sang, voice distorted due to his rather terrifying expression. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

"Tommy, I won't hesitate to dick kick you right here and then leave you to suffer." Cali eyed her brother. "And drop the face. You're embarrassing me."

It took another second of Cali's death glare before Tommy relented, the ridiculous pouty lips disappearing. He took a second just to watch her, Cali staring back just as intently as Tommy scanned her face. "Don't run away from this," he said, wiping the joking tone from his voice. "Janet seems like a nice girl, and she makes you smile in a way I haven't seen since before the gambit went down. Let her make you happy."

And well shit, what was Cali supposed to say to that? She hadn't left for lunch expecting her brother to set her up with a date, and she hadn't expected to flirt with her waitress and have her waitress flirt back. She hadn't expected her brother to get so sentimental about what used to be.

She hadn't expected any of this.

She sighed, scratching at her wrist with her nails nervously as her mood plummeted again. "What if I fuck it up?" She asked quietly. "I can't just _stop_ coming to Miko's, but if it ends badly between us, then what else am I supposed to do?"

"Woah, bub, getting a bit ahead of yourself, aren't you?"

"I can't help it that I'm an overthinker, Tommy."

Tommy leaned forward, gently reaching out and tugging her nails away from her wrist. He held her hand instead. "You're going to be fine," he promised. "You and Janet aren't going to rush into anything. You're going to meet with her on Sunday, get to know her over a few drinks. Go from there. You aren't going to find her on Sunday and then _instantly_ get married."

Cali bit back her laugh. "How do you know?" She challenged, raising an eyebrow. Tommy kicked her. "Ow! Okay, okay. Take it slow. I got it."

Tommy smiled and let go of her hand, settling back again. "Good." He pulled out his phone. "Now I have to text everyone I know and tell them the good news."

"Tommy, I swear on your hair products-"

.

The rest of the day blew by, and soon enough, Cali was leaving her apartment with her bag packed, ready to head to Laurel's. Parker was already waiting, a small knowing look on his face as Cali slid into the back and shut the door firmly behind her.

"Good evening Miss Cali," he greeted easily.

Cali groaned, throwing her head back into the seat. "Tommy told you too, didn't he?"

"Indeed."

Great, so now half the city knew about her love life, and if it wasn't so endearing, Cali would find it infuriating. She was going to smack Tommy in the face and then hug him tightly the next time she saw him.

But at least she'd have something to talk about with Laurel that wasn't Oliver Queen. God, so many of Cali's conversations lately had been about that man, and she was starting to get tired of hearing about him. Oliver clearly didn't care about talking to his friends, so she didn't see the point in worrying about him.

"Parker, do we have enough time to stop in for some fries?" God, she really wanted some of those right now.

Parker's lips curved upwards, and he was immediately adjusting their route. "Of course, Miss Cali. Just fries?"

Cali pondered the question, assessing her stomach. Normally, everything she got from McDonald's came with a frappe, because she was a slut for frappes, but today she just...didn't want one. She frowned down at her hands before shrugging. "Yes please," she answered. "A large. And I want you to get something for yourself."

"Of course."

He wouldn't. Cali knew that. They played this game every time they stopped. Cali would request that Parker would get something for himself, and he would agree, and then when they ordered, he would conveniently 'forget' and they would just get what Cali wanted. She never stopped asking though. One day, Parker would comply.

The Drive-Thru was surprisingly empty when they pulled up, and Cali leaned her head back as Parker ordered for her. He had a bank card in her name on him at all times, so that he was able to pick up whatever she wanted when she asked for it. He'd protested at first, but Cali refused to let him use any other money to buy her things, and so he held onto the card.

They ordered, paid and drove off with her fries in under two minutes. Cali was more than impressed as she munched on the food. The fries were nice and hot, with the perfect amount of salt on them. It was perhaps the best experience with McDonald's she'd ever had.

"Thank you Parker," she said.

Parker smiled. "Of course, Miss Cali."

They drove on.

.

_"Can we get fries?" Cali asked eagerly as they drove past a sign for McDonald's. She was starving._

_Michael huffed, raising a dubious eyebrow. "You want McDonald's? No wonder you look the way you do."_

_Any fantasy Cali had of eating fries came crashing down around her ears. "What's that supposed to mean?" She asked defensively, subconsciously resting a hand on her stomach. So what she had a little bit of pudge? That was healthy! She thought she looked fine._

_Clearly, Michael didn't agree with her, but he didn't say anything more. When they drove off with Cali's fries, Cali could bring herself to eat them. Michael ate them for her._

.

"Calissa Merlyn, tell me everything about your girl this instant!" Joanna's voice rang loud and clear, and Cali winced. Good God, Jo was worse than Thea. Laurel gave her a suffering look, mouthing an apology as Joanna leapt forward and pulled Cali into a hug, her makeup only half done. "Is she cute? What's her name? Tommy said she's a waitress-"

"Joanna?" Cali said sweetly, slithering out of the girl's surprisingly tight grip. "Shut up. Let me get dressed and I'll tell you everything while Laurel does my hair."

Jo pouted but nodded, retreating back into the bathroom to finish her makeup. Laurel followed Cali to the bedroom, staying quiet as Cali casually dumped the contents of her bag out on the bed. "I forgot how...over-energetic Jo could be," Cali admitted to Laurel.

Laurel hummed. "Yeah, but I think it's just because she convinced me to actually come out with her. She's excited."

"I must admit, I was a little surprised. I thought it broke some kind of law."

Laurel gasped in mock offense. "I'm allowed to have fun!"

Cali just grinned and said nothing, casually stripping down to her underthings before pulling on her short black skirt. She tucked her green singlet into the waistline and then finished the look swiftly by pulling on a cropped black leather jacket. Laurel nodded her approval as Cali pulled on her black heeled boots.

"I forget that you know how to _party_ ," Laurel said teasingly, even as feminine appreciation lit her features. "You look stunning already and we haven't even gotten started on makeup."

Cali winked. "It's the Merlyn genes."

Laurel smirked. "No, I've seen how fine your ass looks in dark-wash jeans."

Cali clicked her jaw shut and spun on her heel, trying not to flush at Laurel's low laugh. God, she was good at flirting for a straight girl. Not that Cali was interested in Laurel - honestly, her attitude was annoying more often than not - but there were times when Cali found herself...appreciating.

Thankfully, Joanna had hurried through the rest of her makeup, and was already waiting with foundation in hand as Cali waltzed into the bathroom and checked her outfit in the mirror. A few minor adjustments to her singlet, and she deemed herself fit for partying.

"I don't understand why you don't let go more often," Joanna complained as Laurel brought in a chair and pushed on Cali's shoulders to get her to sit. "You're a knockout when you get dolled up."

Cali long breath as Laurel started running a brush through her dark hair. "Are you saying I'm not attractive normally?"

Joanna flicked her with a makeup brush. "You know what I mean. Now close your eyes and don't move your face until I'm finished."

.

Cali slid Laurel a drink, leaning against the bar and instinctively picking Joanna out from the crowd. She seemed to be enjoying herself, making sure to dance up close to an exceedingly attractive man with intense eyes and a sharp grin. Nothing about him seemed dangerous, but Cali made a note to keep an eye on him anyway. No sense in letting Jo wander into trouble.

"I thought you needed a distraction?" Laurel said loudly over the music. She inclined her head towards the dance floor. "Why aren't you out there seeking one?"

Cali just raised her glass. "I've got my distraction right here," she answered. "Had I known we were coming to Max Fuller's club, I probably wouldn't have come."

Laurel frowned, but didn't press. She probably didn't need to. Every man and his dog likely remembered the nightmare of a brawl between Calissa Merlyn and Max Fuller. The press hadn't stopped talking about it for a month. Tommy still laughed every time someone brought it up.

Not that it was Cali's fault! Fuller had been harassing a girl outside a bar, putting his hands places he shouldn't. Cali had broken his wrist and then kneed him between the legs hard enough that he'd started crying. He'd retaliated by yanking out a handful of hair and tackling her to the ground. They'd fought like wildcats for nearly ten minutes before someone managed to separate them.

Of course, it had happened only months before Oliver had been discovered, and thus Max Fuller got publicly shamed for hitting a victim of abuse. Cali hated it, but couldn't deny that she was immensely satisfied at Fuller's rapidly declining reputation.

Cali finished off her cocktail, sliding closer to Laurel and saying, "Why are _you_ here if you aren't going to dance?"

Laurel opened her mouth and then closed it again, opting instead to take a sip from her whiskey. Cali got the message loud and clear: _don't ask_. Fair enough. It wasn't like Cali was the only person in Starling City with issues the size of a mountain. Laurel had her fair share of traumas to work through.

"Oh fuck," Laurel cursed quietly, any sense of ease vanishing instantly. Her entire body tensed. Cali turned around, instantly alert and on guard.

She found no enemy. Instead, she came face to face with Tommy Merlyn and Oliver Queen.

"Ah," she sighed "Brother dearest. How wonderful to see you here." She didn't address Oliver. She didn't need to. If he wouldn't respond to her text messages, why would he respond to her verbally? Cali glanced back at Laurel for a moment, assessing her emotional state. She deemed her friend stable enough to rip both Tommy and Oliver a new one. "What are you both doing here?"

Tommy looped an arm across her shoulders, pulling her in for a one-armed hug. "Just out for some _fun_ , bub!" His gaze locked on Laurel, who finished her whiskey in one go. "Oh, wow! Doesn't you going out and having fun violate some kind of law? You know, like the ones that are carved on a stone tablet?" Cali jabbed him harshly in the ribs with her elbow.

Laurel's smile was more of a grimace. "That's cute, Tommy."

Tommy had the audacity to say, "Thanks."

Cali shook her head, detaching herself from her brother's grip and signalling to the bartender for another cocktail. He completed immediately, and Cali turned back to the conversation. Laurel said, "I can see you two are up to your old hunting patterns."

Oliver hesitated a second too long before replying, "Just seeing what passes for fun in Starling City after five years."

Laurel pulled a face. "Ah. Well, I'm sure you'll find that it just hasn't been the same without you."

Cali nodded her thanks to the bartender as he pushed her cocktail towards her. God, if she was going to survive this she needed _much_ more alcohol. "I thought Max Fuller hated you?" She said to Oliver innocently, taking a drink from her cocktail as she waited for him to decide whether or not to respond.

He never got a chance to say anything, though, because Thea stumbled to halt, throwing her arms around Oliver's neck. "Big brother!" She slurred. "Oh! I am _so_ wasted right now. "She drew back slightly, squinting. "There is...there is two of you."

Oliver stared at a spot just over her shoulder for a moment, his jaw ticking. Softly he said, "I thought you were grounded."

"I am," Thea said immediately, expression souring. "Thank you for that, by the way."

Oliver shook his head slightly, moving to grip her arm. "You're done for the night."

"Oh, what are you gonna do? Tell Mom?" Thea shook him off. Tommy shifted uncomfortably. Cali took a longer drink and met Laurel's eyes awkwardly. They'd all seen Thea drunk, but they'd never seen her react so badly to someone while intoxicated.

It was nice to know Oliver had a special place of loathing in everybody's heart for the time being.

"Thea!" Oliver clenched his jaw and made a visible effort to lower his voice. "You are hanging with the wrong people."

Thea scoffed, taking a wobbly step back. "You're one to talk," she drawled, swinging her attention over to Tommy and Laurel. Cali's eyes widened, predicting her next words. "How much do you know about your own so-called _friends_?"

"Thea," Cali said quietly. "Hang on-"

"I think Ollie should know," Thea said sharply, blinking her eyes in faux innocence. "Hmm, Tommy? Your BFF should know what's been happening with his friends while he's been gone."

Oliver moved forward, voice lowered. "Thea, let's go."

But Thea wasn't done. Maybe it was jealousy, or maybe it was anger at Oliver, or maybe it was just cruel fate, but Thea didn't budge. Instead, she opened her mouth, turned to face both Tommy and Laurel, and said loudly, "Well, I guess they never told you that they've been _screwing_ while you were gone."

There was a heartbeat of shocked silence. Even the music seemed to pause, as though the club itself was holding its breath in anticipation of Oliver's reaction. In that heartbeat of nothing, Cali noticed three things:

First, the look of horrified regret that overtook Thea's whole face, her eyes shuttering as she realised exactly what she'd just said. Because Thea was angry, yes. She was drunk, yes. But she obviously hadn't wanted to hurt everyone as much as she had.

The second thing she noticed was the twist of shame that tugged at Laurel's lips, pulling them downwards as she realised what had just been revealed. It was shocking in the sense that Laurel never really _got_ ashamed. She wore her emotions and her actions with a certain splash of pride.

The third thing was, of course, Oliver. For a split second, it was as though his entire body shut down, his face going blank and his eyes siding to Cali in question. Of course he'd look to her first. She'd told him about other things, and yet she'd kept the whole mess between Tommy and Laurel a secret. So yes, it was only natural he'd look to her.

Tommy moved first, the moment sliding by as time resumed it's usual pacing. "Look, man, I..." His expression pinched as he trailed off.

Oliver sighed. "Tommy," he breathed. "It's okay." It wasn't, but Cali could see Oliver push the revelation way, way down as he grabbed at Thea again. "You and me, we're done for the night."

Except Thea, for all her regrets, still wasn't ready to let her brother be her brother again. "Take your hands off of me," she growled. "You're not my father. And you're barely my brother." She spun on her heel, storming off into the crowds.

Oliver visibly sagged, staring after her with his brows furrowed. "I..."

Cali sculled the rest of her drink, setting the glass on the bar next to some money. She nudged at him gently. "I'll go after her," she said gently. "I'll get her home." To Tommy, she said, "Do you mind calling Parker? I'll need him to come get us."

Tommy nodded mutely. Cali pressed a kiss to his cheek and squeezed Laurel's shoulder reassuringly before diving into the crowds to try and find one wayward Queen sibling.

.

Thea had only made it out to the back alley before Cali caught up with her, and the young girl's face was painted in tears. "Cali," she gasped, immediately falling into Cali's arms like some kind of fictional maiden. Cali caught her easily. "Oh Cali, why did I say that? I'm angry with him, but I don't want him to hate me!"

Cali bit back her sigh as she wrestled to get Thea upright. "Oliver doesn't hate you," she promised. "He's just worried. Now come on, I'm taking you back to the mansion."

She half expected Thea to fight her, but instead, the girl just gave in and let Cali lead her along, her limbs shaking with emotion and exhaustion. Pathetic little whimpers fell from her with each step, and Cali felt pity squeeze at her heart. She often forgot that Thea was still young, still a child. She was struggling with having her brother back so suddenly after five years of thinking him dead.

"I don't want him to hate me," Thea mumbled, any and all of her anger crumbling away into nothing but tiredness. "I love him, really."

"He loves you too," Cali soothed, letting out a silent breath of relief as Parker pulled up. "Oliver's trying just as hard as us."

Thea didn't say anything on the drive home.

Cali accepted the offer to stay the night, ignoring Moira's pointed look.

She just needed to know that Thea was okay.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's a shooting at the auction. Cali learns some things about her father. Oliver takes note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit that this one of my favourite chapters so far. I added Lyle as an afterthought, but I like him.  
> as always, leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"Would you still be my friend when I'm lonely?"_   
**KEVIN GATES - _'Satellites'_**

.

The TV played in the background, sound muted so as not to wake anyone else in the house. Cali sat with a pillow hugged to her chest, a blanket laying over her legs to keep her warm. It was still early, the sun hadn't yet risen, but sleep didn't come easy to the troubled. And Cali was troubled. Very troubled. It seemed as though she was never _not_ troubled these days.

God, her life was just one trouble after another, wasn't it? She couldn't go three days let alone a week without some kind of crisis. Malcolm, Oliver, Tommy and Laurel, Thea. Their issues piled onto her shoulders, mixing with the remnants of Michael. Sooner or later, Cali was going to collapse under the weight.

She hugged the pillow tighter, trying to ignore the minute tremours that danced along her fingers and swirled on her palms. Her hands shook too often. She blamed Oliver entirely. Well, maybe some blame could be given to Michael, but she'd had a year and a half to get over him. A year and a half, and she still jumped when someone moved too quickly, still looked over her shoulder, still waited with baited breath for him to open the door to her apartment and drag her home.

"Trouble sleeping?"

Cali jerked sharply, the blanket slipping off her legs and pooling on the floor. Jesus, how hadn't she heard the footsteps? She was usually so in tune with her surroundings - always listening for the sounds of other people. She'd completely missed Walter's approach.

Oh. Walter. Cali blinked at him, trying to steady her breathing quickly. She didn't want Walter to be upset with her for being frightened. "Sorry," she said in a rush, barely remembering to keep her voice low. "Did I wake you?"

Walter eyes her keenly, a sad smile playing at his lips. He raised the glass of water in his hands. "No. Just came out for a drink." Cali nodded in understanding and spent a minute groping around for the blanket. Walter was kind enough to wait until she'd fixed it back over her legs before saying, "Are you alright?"

Cali fixed her gaze on the silent TV, barely registering the images that flickered past. "Yeah," she managed, cringing at how obviously _not_ alright she sounded. "Just...thinking."

Walter hummed lowly, stepping over the threshold and moving further into the lounge room. Cali instantly moved to make space for him on the couch, desperately trying to keep her expression neutral. She felt horrible, disturbing his night like this, but she just couldn't shut her brain off.

Walter set his glass down on the side table and sat, rubbing at his face as though trying to clear the sleep away. Cali felt another stab of guilt. "Wipe that look away," Walter said softly. "You don't need to feel guilty for being upset or needing comfort. It's human."

Cali shook her head. "You should be sleeping."

Walter's eyes were kind and warm as he leaned forward slightly and admitted, "Moira snores. I think I might need a break from it. Just for a few minutes."

Cali flashed him a grin, small and strained as it was. She appreciated what Walter was doing - twisting what was happening as though he was staying up for himself and not for Cali. Some of the guilt eased. Not all of it, of course, but some of it.

For a moment, they just sat, Cali trying to find the words and Walter just waiting. He was good at that, waiting. He never rushed, never pressed, never became impatient. He just let her get herself together, let her gather her thoughts. He knew she'd speak when she was ready.

Cali blew out a breath and moved so that she was sitting with her back to the arm of the couch. This was, she was facing Walter. "There's been a lot happening," she said. "I just...You know?"

What a pathetic attempt at _talking_ , Cali, great job.

But Walter just smiled wider, as though he understood _exactly_ what she'd been trying to say. "The first time I met you," he began, "I saw you as young and afraid. Your brother introduced us, and you wouldn't shake my hand. Moira, of course, had told me about your situation with Michael and what happened with Thea. I knew that you had been through an ordeal. For a little while, I was sure that you were going to stay this meek little girl forever."

Cali flushed slightly. "But I didn't."

"But you didn't," Walter agreed warmly. "Instead, I watched you grow into a strong young woman who knows her mind and doesn't let her past define her. You've been through a great many things in your life, Cali, and I've seen you come out the other side stronger each time. I have faith that you can come out of _this_ stronger too."

The utter belief in her made Cali's head spin slightly. She could never quite comprehend everybody's faith in her, and to hear Walter say something so touching so _easily_... Maybe she wasn't as alone as she thought. She and Tommy had made their own second family, and Cali sometimes forgot that she'd let Walter become a part of it.

But her mind still wasn't fully settled. Her doubts about her own emotional state had been somewhat eased, but there was still something else bothering her, a name that wouldn't go away, no matter how much she wanted it to.

She drew her legs up to her chest, cuddling into the blanket. "Oliver is afraid," she murmured.

Walter sighed, something unidentifiable flitting across his face, gone before Cali could understand it. "Yes," Walter said heavily. "Oliver is afraid. He, too, is young, and yet there is an element of age in his face that I don't believe was there before the boat went down."

"I worry about him."

"As we all do." Walter looked to the TV for a moment, swallowing thickly as he tried to put his thoughts in order. Cali let him, picking at the blanket. Finally, Walter said, "I think we all owe it to Oliver to let him figure it out. I have faith that he'll get through this, but it won't be right away. To expect that from him would be almost cruel."

That was a fair point, Cali had to agree, but... "If not now, then when?" She asked helplessly. "How long do we have to wait?"

Walter gave her a grave look. "However long it takes."

But that wasn't _fair_! Starling City clearly wasn't _waiting_ for Oliver. He didn't have that luxury. Too much was expected of Oliver straight away, and Cali was afraid that it would mean that Oliver would never get through this storm that was following him. Moira had been right, that night before dinner. Oliver had come home to another island, and nobody was letting him swim for safety.

"Right," she muttered to herself. "Okay."

Walter clicked his tongue. "Now, now," he said, a note of warning in his voice. "Let's be fair here. If I recall correctly, you vanished for six months to deal with _your_ trauma." Cali ducked her head, shame bubbling in her stomach. That was true. "Oliver's trauma is...complex. Nobody really understands it except Oliver himself. Give him time, Calissa. He'll come out the other side better for it."

Walter was right. Cali had taken far longer to work through her issues after Michael, and nothing she'd gone through could _begin_ to compare to what Oliver suffered through. Cali had been with Michael for a measly two years. Oliver had been on an island for five. Of course he would need time.

Everybody always needed _time_.

"Thank you, Walter," Cali said, genuinely grateful. Walter made a good father. If Malcolm had been _half_ the man Walter clearly was...Well. Maybe things would be different. She smiled at Moira's husband, resisting the urge to lean forward and hug him. "I feel better now."

Walter returned her smile, gracefully lifting himself off the couch. "I suppose I'd better get back to my wife," he said lightly, leaning down to press a feather-light kiss to the top of Cali's head. "Never hesitate before coming to me, Cali. I'll always be here for you should you need me."

Cali couldn't make herself say anything as Walter left the room, the sound of his footsteps fading as he climbed the stairs and disappeared into his bedroom.

_If Malcolm was half the man Walter was..._

Cali slowly moved down, stretching herself out until she was lying quite comfortably along the length of the couch. Her eyes were still blown wide, but exhaustion was pressing on her mind and her body was getting rather heavy. Her thoughts lingered on the affection.

Was that what it was like to have a proper father?

She didn't even notice when she slipped into the thick grip of sleep, and she didn't wake until late morning.

.

The best thing about not working Fridays was that Cali got to do absolutely nothing that required effort.

After waking up on the couch in the Queen's mansion, she quietly endured Moira's gratitude for returning Thea safely and then got Parker to drive her home, wherein she had a hot shower and then curled up with a book and didn't move again. The series was an old favourite of hers: the adventures of a young girl from a family of psychics and her four friends. One of them was a ghost, one of them could make anything he dreamed about real, one ended up with ancient magic, and one died. Twice.

It was nice to let go of reality for a while.

She hadn't had the chance for a good reading break since her promotion at the library. From there, it had simply been a series of unbelievable events, including resurrection, apartment attacks, and Malcolm Merlyn.

Frustrated, Cali shut her book and set it aside, rubbing at her temple as an agonising headache threatened to turn her brain to mush. She'd taken as many painkillers as she could without killing herself, and they'd done absolutely nothing. She was starting to seriously consider booking a doctor's appointment, because while her headaches had always been troublesome, they'd never been this _bad_.

Just as she was reaching for her phone, intent on finding a local clinic, a chime rang out, indicating a text. Scowling, Cali tapped on the unopened message, her scowl deepening at Malcolm's name. He was like a bloody psychic himself, always seeming to know when her headaches spiked or when his name wandered across her thoughts.

_'Any plans for tonight?'_

Not really, but he didn't need to know that. The most she'd had planned was to order pizza and watch the live coverage of the auction tonight. It was supposed to be one of the biggest things this year.

She shot back, _'What's it to you?'_

_'So hasty with the aggression, daughter. Can I simply not wish for you to join me for dinner?'_

Cali's fingers stuttered to a halt, hovering just above the keypad. Malcolm wanted to meet for dinner? Did he assume they were perfectly alright now, that their relationship was perfectly mended? So quickly he forgot that he _left_. Tommy could hardly stand to look at him. Cali may have forgiven him for leaving, but she hadn't let go of the hurt. Forgive, not forget.

Sensing the sudden pause and indecision, Malcolm quickly sent another text. _'Dinner here, at the mansion. Food of your choice. 7pm. Yes?'_

A sharp throb of her headache had her typing out a response. ' _Okay.'_

She pressed send before her mind caught up with her body, and then she could only stare at her phone as Malcolm happily accepted her answer. She couldn't believe she'd just done that. Tommy would be furious with her.

No, Tommy would try and be understanding. He simply wouldn't be able to comprehend her thinking, which was fine because Cali couldn't comprehend it either. Actively agreeing to dinner with her father-who-sucks-at-being-a-father. Where was the logic, the reasoning? Had her talk with Walter killed most of her brain cells?

Cali felt sick as she tossed her phone carelessly on the table, standing up from the chair she'd been curled up in. The back of her neck was slick with nervous sweat, and she walked over to the aircon control, jabbing the button until it was set at its lowest temperature. Even the midday heat wasn't enough to stop the aircon unit. Within ten minutes, goosebumps trailed up and down Cali's arms and legs, and she was shivering.

Perfect. Nothing like the cold to freeze her emotions.

Well now she had to pick out something to wear. She was sure that Malcolm would take care of informing Parker, so she left her phone behind as she wandered into her bedroom and yanked open the wardrobe doors.

It was only Malcolm, so she didn't have to worry about dressing up, but she still had enough vanity to recognise that showing up in pajamas wasn't the best idea. So that left her with leggings or jeans and a shirt of some kind. Jeans would be too heavy on her legs, so she opted for leggings, pairing them with an aqua shirt, a black jacket and her boots. Easy.

Some small part of her mind whispered that she was making a lot of effort for Malcolm Merlyn. Why was that?

She told that part of her brain to shut the fuck up.

She wasn't overthinking this, was she? Malcolm was her father, and they were already working towards the relationship they'd once had before Rebecca died. So what she wanted to dress up a little? She wanted to impress him, tell him without _telling_ him that she was _trying_. Michael had always liked it when she showed him she was trying.

Not that Malcolm was like Michael.

No.

Cali blinked blankly at the space in front of her, trying to reel her thoughts back in. She was getting too wound up about this. It was just dinner with her father, and that was all. Nothing was going to happen, because Malcolm was _trying_ too. She just had to trust him.

.

Of course, trusting someone like Malcolm meant that Cali was high-strung to the point of muscle pain that evening as Parker drove her to the mansion. He kept sending her concerned looks through the rear-view mirror. Cali dutifully ignored each and every one of them. She wasn't interested in defending herself. She knew what Parker thought of her father.

"Mr Merlyn has me running some errands for the company tonight," Parker said casually as he pulled into the driveway. "Cassidy is on standby for you. If you find that you need to retire to your apartment earlier than expected, you need only contact him."

It was a polite way of saying Cassidy was her escape tonight, if she needed him to be.

Cali didn't say anything, but she managed a tight smile that Parker returned briefly before she clambered out of the car. It warmed her heart when Parker didn't drive away until she'd been ushered through the front door by a weathered butler by the name of Lyle.

Lyle was a quiet gentleman, who wore his age in the crinkles by his eyes and the silver hair that was pulled back into a tidy bun. He was a solemn man who didn't smile often, though he always seemed open and welcoming. He spoke only when necessary and had been one of the staff who had cared for Tommy and Cali during the two years that Malcolm had disappeared. Evidently, that act of kindness and compassion had allowed him to keep his job when Malcolm had fired most of the other staff members upon his return.

"Evening, Lyle," Cali said warmly. Lyle inclined his head in greeting as he gently took Cali's jacket from her. She made sure to grab her phone out before completely relinquishing the item. "Is he waiting for me in the front room or the dining room?"

"The front room."

Cali murmured her thanks and scurried past him, her left hand clenching and unclenching by her side. Her right hand was holding her phone tight enough to hurt. She hated this, hated that she was so on edge for something that should be so natural. There was nothing to fear in being around Malcolm, and yet warning bells were sounding at the mere _thought_ of spending time here with him.

"Calissa!" Malcolm welcomed loudly when she entered the room. He was sitting on the couch, but quickly stood and swooped forward, pulling her into a brief hug before she could stop him. Her skin crawled. Malcolm drew back, grinning widely. "I'm glad you made it."

Cali's grip on her phone got impossibly tighter. Dread dragged through her veins. The urge to flee burned hotter in her stomach. Something _wasn't right_. "Hi," she managed, her lips twitching in a feeble effort to appear normal and not afraid.

Malcolm's face fell, joy giving way to worry. "Your headaches?" He guessed. Cali made a sound of agreement, even though her headaches had been forgotten the minute she'd stepped through the front door. Malcolm tsked, herding her over to the couch and sitting her down. "I'll get you a drink," he decided. Cali didn't bother protesting as he vanished into the kitchen.

The brief reprieve allowed her to take several deep breaths, forcefully stopping the shakiness to her hands and the blinding panic that was using her boy as a racetrack. She needed to calm down. Everything was okay. Whatever it was that was making her so freaked out was only in her head.

Still...

Giving in to the anxiety, Cali turned on her phone and tapped on John Diggle's contact. Her hurried text was littered with spelling mistakes, courtesy of her trembling fingers, but she sent it without a care.

_'Just chekcing in. Eveyrthing ok? No truoble?'_

Malcolm chose that moment to return, holding a large glass filled with what looked like lemonade. He offered it up to Cali, who accepted it and took a long drink. Something about that taste seemed a little off, like the bubbles were sour and depressed. It was too syrupy. She managed another sip of it, frowning in thought. It wasn't sweet enough. Maybe it was just flat?

Her phone buzzed in her hand, and she set the glass aside, missing Malcolm's agitated grimace. It was John. _'All is quiet so far. Oliver and family are secured at location. Detective Lance has a protective detail on site.'_ He followed it up with, _'Stop worrying and enjoy your evening.'_

Cali relaxed only slightly, responding with a brief _'thanks'_ before pressing the power button and setting the device down next to the glass of lemonade. "Sorry," she said to Malcolm, who'd gone especially quiet and pensive. "Just a message from John. I was checking in on the auction tonight."

Malcolm nodded, making a strange little sound before waving a hand carelessly. "You can turn the news on if you like," he offered easily. "I'll order dinner?"

It was phrased like a question, and Cali realised with a start that the choice of food was hers. That had been part of Malcolm's compromise. She scrambled, plucking a random restaurant from her thoughts. "Can we get Nina's pizza?"

Malcolm's lips thinned, not that Cali really noticed, but he acquiesced without complaint and pulled his own phone out to place the order.

Cali flipped on the news, ignoring the reporter and desperately scanning the background for any sort of disruption. The pit in her stomach only seemed to grow in the absence of trouble. "Nothing," she mumbled, and Malcolm hummed in question, still searching for the number for Nina's. Cali raised her voice. "Nothing is happening."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Malcolm said.

Cali scratched at her wrist lightly. "I have the _worst_ feeling," she explained. "Something is going to go wrong tonight, I just know it."

A heavy pause.

And then, as though her words had conjured evil into existence, the horrible sound of shooting erupted from the TV, the reporter squeaking and ducking away as the _crack_ of gunfire blanketed everything else. Screaming mingled with the horrible sound of bullets, and Cali could only watch in mounting horror as people streamed out of the building.

"Oh my God," she breathed, lurching off the couch and completely forgetting about her father and her headaches as she watched Moira and Thea get ushered out by security. Walter, Oliver and John were nowhere to be seen. _"Oh my God."_

"Cali-"

But Cali wasn't listening. No, she just stared in horror as the news coverage flickered to a halt, a frazzled man sitting at a desk desperately trying to get the news broadcast back on track. "We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. Thank you for your understanding. We'll take a short break and check back in a little later."

Malcolm flipped off the TV just as the ads started, moving forward to grip onto Cali's elbow gently. "Hey," he soothed. "Calico. It's okay."

"I have to go," she breathed, whirling around to face him. "You understand, right?"

Malcolm's jaw ticked, but he nodded. "I understand," he said slowly, "but you don't have a ride. Parker is currently running some errands for me. So take a deep breath and try and calm dow-"

Cali shook him off, snatching up her phone and hitting Cassidy's contact. Ignoring Malcolm's spluttered attempts at getting her to pause for a moment, she exhaled in relief when Cassidy picked up after one ring. "The car is waiting," he said immediately. "I'll meet you out front."

God bless that man.

Malcolm made a noise of protest as Cali hurried towards the front door. "Calissa!" He called. "Calm down and think about this! What can you do against bullets, huh?"

"I don't care. I have to try."

"Calissa. Stop." Malcolm grabbed her arm tightly, whirling her around and forcing her to stand still. His eyes were stormy, and his face twisted with something that wasn't quite anger. Frustration perhaps? "There's very little point in getting yourself _shot_."

Cali tried to shake off his grip. Malcolm didn't let go. "Let go of me," she said lowly, feeling another layer of anxiety drape over her. "These are my _friends_. My _family_. I have to go, don't you see?"

Malcolm's grasp grew tighter, and pain rippled up her arm, settling in a spot just past her shoulder. Cali gritted her teeth and refused to make a sound. Malcolm hissed, " _I_ am your family."

"No. You're a man that I happen to share genes with."

This time, Cali couldn't bite back her yelp. Malcolm's grip got tight enough that she was worried her skin would split. Her shoulder wrenched slightly, and she sucked in a ragged breath as numbness began to lick at her fingers. Malcolm didn't seem to care about her discomfort as he growled under his breath.

He forced her towards him a step. She recoiled slightly. "I am trying to keep you from getting killed," Malcolm said, jostling her roughly. Cali's neck and shoulder jarred at the motion. "I am trying to _care_ , and you renounce me! What will it take for you to _trust_ me?"

Cali bit out a bark of laughter, regretting it when Malcolm's grip impossibly tightened. He was going to break her arm if he kept going.

Good Lord, the _hell_ Tommy would raise if Malcolm injured her right now.

"You ask me to trust you while you prevent me from going to the people I care about." She was ashamed that she couldn't keep her voice from wobbling, but she managed to keep her chin up. Her tears didn't fall. "Maybe you should re-evaluate your idea of love."

Malcolm scoffed, but didn't say anything. He still held onto her forearm. She could almost _feel_ the bones groaning, the nerves twisting. She would have bruises later. It hurt, and it reminded her of Michael, but she held Malcolm's gaze and she refused to give into that fear. She wasn't scared of her father, not now. She was just afraid that she would lose everyone that meant something to her.

She was afraid that Malcolm would prevent her from seeing them one last time.

Someone cleared their throat, and Cali sagged slightly as Cassidy said, "I have the car waiting, miss. Are we ready to leave?"

Malcolm hissed out a sharp breath, dropping Cali's arm like it had burned him. Shock was tainting the anger on his face now, but Cali didn't question it as she threw herself back towards Cassidy, who steadied her with a polite hand to her back. She gripped her arm tightly to her chest, still staring at the man she called her father.

Malcolm wiped his face clean, slotting a blank mask in place with practiced ease. "Cassidy." His voice oozed with distaste. "I wasn't aware you were on duty tonight."

Cassidy didn't flinch or waver or cower. "Parker thought it would be best, _sir_ , given that he would be unavailable for the rest of the evening."

Malcolm's mouth tightened with disapproval, but he said nothing more as Cassidy swiftly led Cali away, out the front door. They hurried past Lyle, who managed to convey his sorrow through his eyes alone, and then the door slammed shut and Cali was free.

"My jacket," she gasped as Cassidy herded her towards the car. "I left my jacket-"

Without a word, her jacket was pushed into her hands and the car door was yanked open.

Cassidy got her settled in the backseat, and then he was sliding in the front and driving away as quickly as he could, jaw clenched tight with displeasure and a protective rage that made Cali look away. She wasn't used to people protecting her from men like Malcolm Merlyn. It made her wonder why Cassidy _would_.

To his credit, Cassidy waited until they were far away from the mansion and he was able to relax into the drive before he started speaking. "I apologise that it took so long for me to come fetch you," he said, as though he'd been asked to shadow her rather than wait for her to flee herself. "I was unaware that your father would...protest your absence so much."

Cali rubbed at her face. "My father is a lot of things and willing to let things go is not one of them."

Cassidy swallowed. His next words were careful, as though he wasn't sure whether or not to say them. "I assume that your request to leave stemmed from the current shooting at the auction rather than any actions your father may have indulged in?"

God, the fact that he even had to _ask_...

Cali winced, curling into herself and cradling her sore arm. "Malcolm isn't Michael," she said hotly, because she needed someone to _understand_ that. Michael had...had hit her and betrayed her and he hadn't _tried_.

Malcolm had tried.

_Malcolm Merlyn was not Michael Martin._

"Of course," Cassidy surrendered. "My apologies for insinuating otherwise."

Cali didn't say it was okay, because maybe it wasn't okay. Maybe she was sick of validating people's opinions of her, especially when they meant that she was some weakling damsel who couldn't tell apart an abuser and someone worth her love.

"Please just drive me to the Queen mansion," she said, suddenly and inexplicably exhausted. Her arm hurt. She was tired. Anxiety made it impossible to think properly. "I won't require you or Parker until sometime tomorrow. I'll call you."

Cassidy nodded.

Cali just methodically called everyone's mobiles for the whole ride, and it never occurred to her until she was walking up to the Queen's mansion that Parker hadn't told Malcolm about Cassidy. 

She was too scared to try and figure out what that meant.

.

Malcolm launched the glass still mostly filled with lemonade at the wall, relishing in the shattering of it. Shards flew everywhere, sedative-laced liquid splashing all over the wall.

He'd been _so close_!

If Cali had just drunk the lemonade, if she hadn't _left_ with that traitorous _bastard_ , he could've been giving her the experimental cure right now. All his hard work - all his cunning and planning and testing - down the drain.

And now Cali's trust in him was at an all-time low.

Malcolm heaved his breaths, rage and frustration warring in his chest. He'd have to make another chance. He'd get Moira in on it. There was nothing that said _Malcolm_ had to be the one to administer the cure. It didn't really matter so long as _someone_ did it.

He stared at the glass on the floor.

He'd come too far to lose now.

He'd just have to try again.

.

Oliver walked in his front door with slumped shoulders and a heavy heart. John hadn't reacted at all like he'd hoped, and now Oliver had potentially lost one of the only people he thought could really _see_ him. Besides, fighting with Floyd Lawton had taken its toll on his body. He ached in places he'd forgotten about. He really just wanted to sleep.

So when Laurel came charging at him, Oliver could only stare at her sluggishly. She was pretty, even in her anger, and Oliver was struck with a sudden pang of longing for _before_. When he'd had her, and she'd had him, and everything had been so much easier.

"Where were you?" Laurel managed to make the question sound accusing.

Oliver drew back slightly, because she sounded exactly like John had when he'd called Oliver a murderer. Oliver sighed. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard about the shooting," Laurel answered promptly, "and I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"You did?" Okay, so maybe she was less likely to reject him like John had. Good. Oliver wasn't sure he could handle another desertion today. Not after everything he'd worked through since returning.

Laurel's expression flamed, though, and Oliver's hopes withered under her unimpressed look. "Yeah. I knocked on the door, and I found a family _terrified_ for you. They had no idea where you were."

Definitely an oversight on his part. "Oh."

"Oliver, are you so self-centered that you don't think that people who care about you are gonna wonder where you are after you all got shot at?" Oliver flinched away, because she was right, she was so damn right, but she didn't _understand_. Nobody ever could understand. Laurel said, "I made peace with your selfishness a long time ago, but Moira, Thea and Walter, they don't deserve that. They deserve better, someone who doesn't care only about himself."

She stalked past him, and Oliver was tempted to just let her go, let her walk away. God knows that he didn't deserve her, didn't deserve her love and her friendship. But he was selfish, always had been, and so he stopped her again. "Laurel." She turned to face him, her eyes challenging and sharp. He'd always loved her eyes. "Thank you for being here."

It hurt to say it, hurt to say thank you. Oliver could taste the words on his tongue, could feel them cut into his tongue and make him bleed.

Laurel's mouth twisted. "I care about the lives of other people, Oliver." Her tone was scathing. "Maybe you should try it sometime."

Oliver could only watch her go and try not to feel the hurt that was bubbling up in his chest. John had walked away, and now so had Laurel. Who was next? Cali? Tommy? Thea? Was this his destiny - to be alone and abandoned by everyone he'd come back for?

"Oh man," he sighed, looking down for a moment as he reached inside himself and grabbed a handful of that hurt and pushed it away and down. He didn't have to feel that right now. Later.

There was a noise behind him, and he raised his head again, turning slightly as Thea said, "That was harsh." She sounded worn out, but soft, like she knew something about him that he didn't know himself. He desperately wanted to just...hold her. Instead, he stood still. Thea raised an eyebrow. "You okay?"

"Sure," he said easily, but he sounded flat even to his own ears. Thea didn't look convinced, and Oliver wasn't in the mood for lies tonight. "Second time tonight that a friend of mine has taken me to the woodshed. Kind of tires you out." Thea hummed in agreement.

He wanted to ask after _her_ , because Thea was his little sister, and he was always going to be worried about her, but before he could ask, she seemed to...deflate. "You had everyone worried half to death, Ollie," she said. Oliver bit his lip. "We came home to find Cali wearing a hole in the floor with her pacing. She was shaking. When we said we didn't know where you or John were..." Thea trailed off. Oliver got the picture.

Cali. He didn't deserve her either. "Is she still here?"

Thea inclined her head slightly, enough to let Oliver know that Cali was in the living room. "She wore herself out with all her worrying."

"She's asleep?"

"She's exhausted," Thea corrected gently, eyeing him. Oliver returned the look. For a moment, it was just the two of them, both existing and not-existing. A silent stand-off, filled with apologies and accusations.

They both startled when another person joined them, breaking whatever strange trance had settled over them.

Thea's assessment had been a vast understatement, Oliver realised as he took in Cali. Her hair was mussed, and with her jacket tied messily around her waist, the skin of her hands and wrist were easily visible, rubbed raw with her worrying. Her eyes were glossy and unfocused. Her face was pale but blotchy, and dark stains lived under her eyes. There was a bruise forming on her right forearm. Oliver felt guilt stab through him even as he locked onto the injury and narrowed his eyes.

"Oliver." Cali's voice was barely more than a breathy whisper, but Oliver heard her loud and clear as though she'd shouted. God, she sounded worse than she looked.

He tried for a soft smile. "Hey, guppy." Cali only blinked sluggishly. Oliver and Thea shared a look.

Thea shook her head and turned away. "Can you get her to bed?" She asked quietly, disappearing into the lounge room when Oliver nodded.

Cali watched her go, frowning vacantly. "Sorry," she mumbled. "Didn't mean to interrupt." Oliver puffed out a breath and reached out for her, intent on leading her upstairs to her room so that both of them could get some much-needed sleep.

He hadn't even realised he'd touched right where the bruise was until Cali yanked her arm away, stumbling back with the force of the movement. Oliver simply watched it happen, dumbfounded for a moment. "I'm sorry," he said, fumbling with his hand for a moment before dropping it back down to his side. "I didn't mean- I- I'm sorry."

Cali shook her head. "It's alright," she said, slurring slightly. She teetered for a second. "At least you let me go."

What.

Oliver froze, mind flickering back online as her words crashed through him. Someone had given her that bruise, and they'd given it to her by grabbing her and then _not letting go_. Oliver did not have any problems with firing an arrow into the heart of whoever _dared_ -

"Who?" He asked sharply, already running through a mental list of people. "Give me a name, Cali."

But Cali was already waving him off, eyes drooping. Oliver only vaguely noticed that her pupils were dilated unnaturally, but he brushed over that fact, still caught on the injury she'd sustained. Christ, did the angst in his life simply never end?

"I'm glad you're home safely," Cali confessed, and Oliver breath caught. It was so simple, her _love_ was so simple. She wasn't angry, not yet, just grateful to see him alive. She had no harsh words for him, no heavy disappointment, only a vast relief.

Without another word, Oliver gently started to herd her up the stairs, his arm hovering behind her back as he debated whether or not to touch her again. Cali made the decision for him, leaning back into his grip with a sigh as she climbed up to the second floor.

Slowly, they made their way to Cali's room, Oliver nudging open the door with his foot. Cali pulled away from him once they finally got inside, falling face-first onto her bed. Oliver hovered for a moment, and was just deciding to leave when Cali mumbled something into her pillow.

"What?" Oliver frowned.

Cali, as delirious as she was, managed to roll over and coherently say, "I was right when I told Malcolm you were my family."

Ice formed in Oliver's veins as he clicked the final piece of the puzzle in place. There was no way he could sleep now. Now when Malcolm Merlyn had put that bruise on Cali's arm.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cali relapses. Oliver makes a vow. They move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely kind of iffy about this chapter. Not sure i like, but not sure that i don't. let me know what you think  
> don't forget to leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"So try to love me and I'll try to save you"_   
**TWENTY-ONE PILOTS - _'Lovely'_**

.

_She was four, a number loudly declared with a bright smile only days ago, and she was dying._

_The hospital monitors beeped frantically as she choked on the tube in her throat, her body seizing and spasming as too many hands grabbed at her arms and legs. Her mother was crying silently, but Tommy was wailing like a newborn, held tightly by her father. She could see all three of them through the haze of pain._

_They looked like angels in the light, and she tried to ask, "Am I dead?" but it got caught on the tube and came out as a strangled gargle. She convulsed sharply, coughing and gagging._

_Tommy screamed as blood dribbled down her chin._

.

Cali woke up in a fit of panic, her entire body jolting upright as her chest heaved. Her vision took a moment to catch up, which did nothing to soothe her anxiety. She couldn't remember if she'd been dreaming or not. Her head throbbed in time with her heartbeat, and she brought her arms to her chest in an attempt to calm herself down slightly.

The room was still dark, which meant she hadn't managed to sleep through to morning. She wrapped the black of night around her like a cloak, her shuddering breaths rasping out of her throat and floating on the still air.

Something was very wrong in Starling City tonight, Cali could feel it in her bones.

She scrambled out of bed, untying her jacket and sliding it on in an instinctual movement. She yanked her phone out of her pocket and squinted at the bright screen. It was just past two o'clock in the morning, the morning after the shooting. She mustn't have been asleep that long, which was odd considering how exhausted she'd felt when she'd come face-to-face with Oliver.

Speaking of Oliver, Cali still wasn't convinced that he was alright. He'd come home looking worn down and flat, his eyes unhappy and his smile a twisted mockery of contentment. Something had happened last night, something that wasn't televised.

Something that Oliver wasn't telling them.

He did that a lot - not saying things. He kept all his words and secrets locked up behind his tongue, ready to unleash them in a brutal wave if he was ever backed into a corner. Oliver knew how to make his words hurt, knew how to forge them into weapons and stab them into the chest of everyone around him. That's why he said so much without talking. There was less chance of getting cut.

Unlike most, Cali wasn't afraid of Oliver hurting her. She knew that he got spooked by things that weren't scary, which is why he made a move with Sara the minute Laurel hinted at being something _more_ with him. Oliver was quick to pull away, quick to insist that the world go on without him. He lashed out while pretending to be drunk, all the while secretly hoping that the people he was pushing away wouldn't actually leave.

Cali recognised his strategies. She'd used them once, when Michael Martin had looped a chain around her heart and bound her to him for two years. And maybe Oliver wasn't with anybody at the moment, but the struggle was there. He considered himself broken, knew his edges were jagged. He didn't want anything to try and touch him and only end up with blood on their hands.

Ollie was in a tailspin that was getting faster by the day, and he was reaching out for help, even if he didn't know himself. If nobody latched onto that outstretched hand, if nobody gave him the outlet that he needed, he would crash into the ground in a brilliant ball of fire and he would bring the whole damn city down with him.

Cali was trying to grab onto that hand, but Oliver just kept letting her go. He didn't want her help. He wasn't choosing her. He would never choose her, not for something like this. He claimed that her name had kept him going, but her name hadn't made him come home again. Her name hadn't cleared those ghosts from his eyes and her name hadn't stopped that ever tightening spiral of doom he found himself trapped in.

Cali understood why - she was a reminder of everything that had once been, just like Tommy and Laurel and Thea and Moira - but that didn't make it hurt any less.

She breathed in deeply, holding the air in her chest for a moment before letting it out again. Her lungs thundered with discomfort and she cringed, settling a hand on her abdomen. Her entire body ached slightly, as though her muscles had been pulled in all the wrong directions to release tension. Her eyes were awash with grains of sand, and her chapped lips burned something fierce.

She felt...displaced. Unsettled. Like her skin had been stretched over her bones wrong, and everything was simultaneously too tight and too loose. She could feel her pulse drag by under her skin, could hear the _thump thump thump_ of her heartbeat in her ears.

The sour taste of syrupy lemonade stained her tongue and a horrified sense of _knowing_ splashed across her thoughts.

If she was right about this, then she needed to break into her father's private files and find out what the hell he'd been spiking her drinks with, and _why_.

Uneasy now, Cali crammed her phone back in her jacket pocket, wrinkling her nose at the awkward creases in the fabric; results of sleeping in it. They'd be a bitch to get out. Shaking her head slightly, she determined that she hadn't taken anything off before going to sleep, not even her shoes, thus allowing her to simply straighten up and walk out of the room.

The best part of the Queen mansion was that it was very well looked after and therefore she didn't have to worry about the floor or the stairs creaking under her feet as she moved downstairs. The lack of noise regarding her movements also allowed her to pick up on the hushed sounds of the TV and the muted murmurs of conversation.

Shit, people were still awake. That made sneaking out of the house without anyone hearing her infinitely harder.

Mouth tightening in frustration, Cali eased up, slowing her walk to a sneak as the sounds gradually got louder. She recognised Oliver's raspy growl, and Thea's lazy consonants. So it was a sibling conversation. She figured that those two were overdue. Hell, Tommy and Cali had already had one-million-and-one angst ridden chats.

If anything, Ollie and Thea were late to the party.

"I know that it might not seem like it sometimes, but..." Oliver let out a measured breath. "I'm not the same person I used to be."

The confession seemed...raw, somehow, like Oliver was speaking from the place of hurt deep inside his chest and not from the cunning storm in his brain that demanded he play a part. The dark had tugged on some of his threads, and a tight knot inside him was starting to unravel.

Thea said something that was masked by the TV, and Cali gingerly crept round the bottom of the stairs and headed for the door. That conversation was not meant for her, and damn her if she was going to prevent Oliver from opening up to someone.

God knew that he needed it.

Cali swallowed back her small, bitter laugh. She didn't know why it bothered her so much that Oliver was _talking_ to everyone but her. Oh sure, he spoke to her. They'd had afternoon tea together and he'd babbled over hot chocolates until her ears had rung, but he'd never said anything to her. He'd talked to Laurel, and now he was talking to Thea. Hell, Raisa has broken through all his barriers with nothing but a smile.

And Cali was _still_ on the outside, no matter what she tried. She was dancing around how to ask him to let her in, because that wasn't something you could simply expect someone to do for you. Oliver needed to choose to do it, needed to take that step himself.

Cali knew, with a sickening sense of certainty, that he would never make that final move. They were doomed to circle around each other, always sizing each other up but never making a move. That was their destiny, their curse, their-

"Cali?"

She spun on her heel, automatically tugging her lips into a smile. "Ollie! Sorry, did I disturb you and Thea?" God, she hoped not.

Oliver frowned at her, eyes flickering over her form as though he was trying to see down to her bones. His gaze seemed to linger on her right arm for a moment, and his frown deepened, like he was searching for something underneath the fabric of her jacket.

"Oliver?"

He shook himself lightly, dragging his attention back to her face. "Uh, no. No, you didn't disturb us. I'm just...sensitive to movement in this house, I guess. I sort of sensed you move past the doorway."

"You aren't hiding any secret powers from me, are you?" Cali teased lightly, trying desperately to keep her cool analysis off her face. It was an interesting tidbit of information, and it was something she would turn over and over in her mind later, but right now, she had to get out of the house. Which meant she had to get through Oliver. "If you got some kind of hoodoo magical abilities while you were gone, I'm going to be so jealous."

Oliver huffed in amusement, ducking his head for a moment. "No," he said, a little too seriously for the joke. "No magic here."

Right.

Cali blinked rapidly, trying to dispel the awkwardness through sheer will power. It seemed Oliver was trying to do the same, and for a moment, they were stuck. God, Cali was over this-this _holding pattern_ they'd been stuck in around each other. Always circling, never striking. Never landing. Never making a final decision that would eliminate the distance between them.

"You should go back to Thea," she said finally, and Oliver winced away, as though her words had landed a physical blow. "I didn't mean to drag you away from her."

"You didn't-" Oliver stopped, sighing sharply. Cali felt her shoulders curl inwards. She'd upset him. She always upset people. Oliver eyed her for a moment, obviously taking in her posture, before he took a deep breath and gentled his voice. "I'm allowed to be worried about both of you."

Yes. Oliver was allowed to be worried about the whole damn _city_ , but that didn't mean that he _should_ be. Cali wasn't needed right now. She wasn't above Thea on Oliver's list of people to adore, and she would never be and sweet Jesus she really just needed to get out of here right now.

"I know," she managed, clenching her hands into fists to try and hide the shaking. Her smile wobbled and threatened to slip away, but she gripped onto it tightly and forced it to stay on her face. "I'm telling you, though, to go back to her. She needs you, even if she won't say it."

Oliver's voice was painfully soft when he said, "I know you need me too."

And heaven help her, she _did_. She'd always needed him, and she would continue to need him until they both _died_. But that selfishness didn't mean that she got to tear Oliver away from his family, away from his _sister_. That was cruel, and Cali really hated to be cruel.

So she let the smile fall away from her face and she let her shoulders sag and she let Oliver see her. "Go and be with Thea," she pleaded. "Let me go this time. I'll come and find you soon, okay?"

Oliver stepped back. "Where will you go?" His words were carefully measured, his face evening out until there was nothing there that could give him away.

Cali forced herself to resist the urge to look in his eyes. She knew she would find everything she was looking for there, but she couldn't have that, not now. Not when she was trying to leave. "To Tommy," she decided, a little breathlessly.

"It's two o'clock in the morning."

"Fun fact about us Merlyn siblings: insomnia forces us to keep odd hours." Cali bit out a mirthless chuckle. Oliver just stood still. She sighed. "I'll see you later, Oliver. I will. You've taken too long to come home for me to let you slip away again. Just...wait for me. Wait for me and I'll come to you."

Oliver nodded silently, and Cali took it as permission to ease open the front door and slip into the darkness of early morning, leaving the warmth of the mansion behind. She left _Oliver_ behind.

Somehow it hurt worse than knowing that he'd left her behind too.

.

She didn't call for Parker. She didn't call for Cassidy. She wasn't sure she could make herself dial the numbers, not with her trembling fingers, her contracting muscles, her headache. An attack was building, and it was building quickly, and she knew she had to get to Tommy's apartment before it knocked her off her feet and forced her head underwater.

So she didn't call for them.

Parker came for her anyway.

She didn't notice him at first, too caught up in the hitch in her breathing, the tingle in her blood. Familiar symptoms that she hadn't felt since she'd gotten her job at the library. Symptoms born of trauma, as her old therapist had claimed, and symptoms that predicted nothing but pain and misery.

Parker touched her shoulder at the same time as he called her name, and Cali whirled around with all intents of fighting him.

Parker caught her wrist in a gentle grip, repeating her name again. "It's just me," he promised. "I'm here to take you to your brother's apartment."

Cali went limp, letting him move her over to the car and settle her in the backseat, closing the door with a quiet _thump_ and quickly clambering into the driver's seat. He was driving before Cali had even fully comprehended that he was _here_ and he was _saving her_.

"How'd you know?" She asked, strained.

Parker glanced at her in the mirror, and she saw her answer, just for a moment. Hesitantly, he said, "I've grown to recognise the warning signs. Cassidy knows them too. He messaged me when you left the mansion."

But...She'd told Cassidy to go home, that she'd call him or Parker if she needed them again. "He saw me?"

Parker heard her unvoiced question and nodded somberly. "He suspected you would need your brother and kept watch. Once he saw you start walking, he knew."

That kind of loyalty, that kind of platonic devotion...Cali had no words. Part of her should be angry at them for disobeying her, for ignoring her when she said to go, but she found that gratitude rumbled to life instead. Parker had always gone the extra mile for her, but for some reason, she always felt that Cassidy would fall back when she got too wound up, too upset, too difficult.

She hadn't expected _this_.

She had too many good people in her life, and sometimes she felt like she needed to stand a little taller, be a little bigger, to make them proud of her. It was both a blessing and a curse.

Neither her nor Parker said anything more for the brief drive, but Cali managed a tight quirk of her lips when she got out of the car. Parker inclined his head in response before watching her walk into the apartment building where Tommy resided.

So close, she was _so close_ to safety and comfort, but Cali wasn't sure she would make it. Her breaths were coming shorter and faster, her chest tightening and tightening to the point of pain. Her legs wobbled underneath her, her vision was growing hazy. The attack was coming too quickly. She wouldn't be able to outrun it this time, wouldn't be able to force it away or soothe it away or-or-

She needed _Tommy_.

Somehow, through an impossible display of sheer fucking _will_ , she made it to Tommy's floor, stumbling out of the elevator with a huff and allowing muscle memory to lead her to Tommy's front door. She knocked once, short and sharp, before letting her head fall forward to hit the wood. Stars tumbled away into the darkness as she squeezed her eyes shut, a low groan building in her throat.

"Tommy!" She shouted hoarsely. "Open up! _Please_." Her voice broke.

What if she was wrong and Tommy wasn't awake? How could she stay in this small hallway with nothing but a door between her and the one person who she knew she could trust. No matter how angry he was, or how hurt, Tommy would never turn her away.

He'd never turn her away.

The door opened suddenly and Cali yelped falling forward as her center of balance shifted. Strong arms caught her by the shoulders, and then Tommy was swearing and half-carrying her into his apartment as the wave inside her crested and began to spill throughout her whole body. Muscles twitched and Cali hissed out her next breath.

Tommy muttered an emphatic, " _fuck_ ," before lowering her against the now-closed door and disappearing into the kitchen. She could hear him rustling around in the freezer, but then she lost him as the level of over-sensitivity climbed higher and she could taste her own blood in her mouth.

It was always strange, being adrift in the war-ravaged sea inside her body. She rocked with each wave, head dipping and bobbing side-to-side as she lost control of her limbs and then her breathing and then her voice. She surrendered to the maelstrom that was tearing her apart piece by piece.

Something cold grabbed at her and heaved her up, breaking the surface of the ocean. She spluttered, fingers scrabbling weakly at Tommy's shirt as he pressed the ice cube against the back of her neck, whispering gently to her.

"That's it," he soothed. "Easy. I know it's bad, but it's okay. Come back. That's it."

Cali coughed and wheezed and hacked as the attack swelled with an almighty crescendo, Tommy's voice fading in and out of her hearing. She could feel the bite of the ice-cube, the one sensation that kept her from sinking back into the endless abyss in her chest.

"Tom-" She whimpered, even as her tongue went numb and her head fell forward.

Tommy didn't let her fall far. Cradling her against him carefully, he pressed the rapidly melting ice cube against her neck and her shoulders, his touch somehow calm amongst their shared panic. "Pick a number," he coaxed. Cali trembled and said nothing. Tommy just picked up a fresh ice cube and started the process again. "Come on, you know what to do. Pick a number, bub."

Cali didn't want to, but Tommy was right. She knew what to do in situations like this. "Seven," she choked out.

Tommy nodded, murmuring praise as he moved the ice cube to her face, gently brushing her cheeks and her nose and her forehead. "Good girl," he said. "Now start counting."

"S-Seven. Fourteen. Twenty-" She cut herself off with a sharp gasp as control over her body spun out of reach again. She clutched at Tommy's shirt. Tommy just whispered platitudes and settled an ice cube on her collarbone. Cali forced herself to continue. "Twenty one. Twenty eight."

With each number she listed, the overwhelming panic inside her receded a little bit more. The storm settled, and her muscles ceased the spasming. Slowly, oh so slowly, Cali's fingers brushed against control, and she clutched onto it tightly, rasping out the next number.

By the time she'd hit one one-hundred-and-five and had started counting backwards to zero, still in multiples of seven, the sting of the ice cube had stopped being a tether and now bordered on rather irritating.

"Hey," Tommy said quietly. "You coming out of it now?"

Slightly dazed, Cali could only nod, grunting as the movement jarred her tender muscles. God, she hadn't had an attack this bad since she'd lived with Tommy. That had been nearly a year ago. If she was starting to slip back into that same place now, she would never forgive herself. Nobody deserved to carry her burdens. It was two o'clock in the morning, and Tommy was here, kneeling beside her, caring for her, as she shuddered and whined and was absolutely _useless_.

Tommy shifted beside her, wiping his damp hand on his shirt as the last of the ice cubes dissolved into cold water. "Don't," he warned lowly, gently pressing his hand to her forehead and her cheeks. "I know that look. You're not to blame for any of this. Remember what the therapist said? Sometimes you can't control your trauma, and that's okay."

Cali moved stiffly, leaning into her brother and closing her eyes. "I haven't had an attack for ages," she said miserably. "I should be over it by now."

Tommy made an aborted motion, like he'd been planning to punch her in the arm lightly and then changed his mind last minute. It was that sort of hesitance that made her look away, ashamed of her own volatile emotions. Fuck, what did it mean if her own brother wasn't sure how far to push her?

She might feel fragile, but being treated like she was breakable made everything so much worse.

"I know this is difficult for you, and that's okay, but you have to tell me what you're feeling right now." Tommy gave her a heart-breakingly earnest look, his hand hovering over her shoulder. She was still leaning against him, but he never gave a sign that her weight bothered him. "Anything injured?"

Cali shook her head mutely.

Tommy asked, "You think you can make it to my room?"

Yes. No. Maybe. Cali couldn't really feel her legs properly, and currently possessed absolutely no energy to actually stand up, but she knew that Tommy wanted her to take these steps herself. There was only so far he could carry her before he had to stop. If he did all the work for her, she'd never get stronger.

Without an actual answer, Cali leaned back, away from Tommy and pushed a trembling hand against the wall. It hurt, gathering her legs under her, but she gritted her teeth and kept straining. She would do this. She _needed_ to do this. If she could do this then she could get through everything else that fate had decided to throw her way.

Tommy kept close enough to grab her if she slipped, but didn't touch her otherwise. They'd both done this dance often enough that there was no need for verbal communication. Every shift and twitch was mimicked by the other person, moving in sync even after a year.

"Good job," Tommy praised when Cali had finally risen to her feet. Finally moving all the way forward, he looped an arm around her waist and once again held some of her weight as she stopped leaning against the wall. "That's it-"

"Stop patronising me," Cali snapped, jolting away from him. The result was both of them swaying precariously for a moment before Tommy's balance settled again. "I'm fine."

Tommy nudged her back into motion and they resumed the slow walk to Tommy's room. "I know you're embarrassed," he said quietly. "I know you're in pain. We knew it would happen eventually. I'm just...I'm worried about you, okay? Fuck Cali, if Parker hadn't called and Oliver hadn't texted, I wouldn't have known how to react. We were lucky this time."

Cali snorted. "Lucky?"

Tommy didn't say anything else, but his mouth tightened and something in his eyes flickered.

And besides, what did Oliver have to do with this? He didn't know about the attacks - hell, he barely knew about Michael! Parker, at least, had some prior experience. Oliver was just sticking his nose in other people's business.

Not that Cali was surprised, to be completely honest.

She waited until they'd made it to Tommy's bedroom and she was settled on the bed before asking about it. "You said Oliver texted." Tommy tensed, turning away and puttering about with trinkets on the bedside table. Cali watched him for a moment before she said a tense, " _Tommy._ "

Swallowing thickly but not saying anything, Tommy handed over his phone. Cali snatched it up and unlocked it easily, skimming through the list of contacts until she hit Oliver's.

_'Something's wrong with Cali tonight. I think you should contact her.'_

Tommy had responded with a slew of questions, most of which remained unanswered. Oliver hadn't revealed what they'd talked about before Cali had left but the last message of the conversation was from him, and goosebumps prickled along her skin.

_'If she makes it to you, check her right forearm for a bruise.'_

He knew.

How could he _know_?

Cali shoved the phone at Tommy, the shakiness to her hands having nothing to do with the aftermath of her attack. Oliver knew about Malcolm, which meant she'd have to tell _Tommy_ , and he would rain down _hell_ on their father. He'd-He'd go to Moira, and Detective Lance and Laurel.

Tommy would tear Malcolm apart before Cali had a chance to find out why the fuck he was drugging her.

Absently, she curled her fingers into the bed cover, frowning down at her legs with unfocused eyes. She hadn't even realised that Oliver had seen the bruise, hadn't realised he'd put the pieces together about who put it there. How could he have figured it out so quickly? She barely remembered most of last night, her memory going blurry somewhere after Oliver ushered her upstairs, but she didn't remember mentioning her father at any time.

How had Oliver _known_?

Tommy touched her shoulder, and she jolted, eyes going wide as she stared up at her brother. "I think we need to talk," he said seriously and Cali nodded jerkily, feeling dread seep into the pit of her stomach.

Already, she was moving to take her jacket off, seeing no point in hiding it. Maybe she could make up a story, something about a mugging or something? No, Tommy would never believe that. And there was no way Cali was throwing Parker, Lyle or Cassidy under the bus. Besides, Tommy would know once he saw the mark.

It was distinctly shaped like a hand after all. He would know what that meant.

"I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell you," Cali confessed, gingerly drawing her arms out of the sleeves. "I mean, I knew I had to, but with the shooting at the auction and everything else, I thought that it could wait."

Tommy just let out a long breath. "I've had twenty seven years to get used to the fact that trouble is addicted to you, and yet somehow you still amaze me."

Bless him for trying to lighten the mood, Cali thought grimly, sliding her jacket off completely and baring her arms. The bruise would be dark and ugly by now - Malcolm's grip hadn't been gentle - but Tommy showed no outward reaction. Instead, confusion darkened his face, and he gripped at her wrist, drawing her arm closer.

"Cali," he said slowly, staring at the unblemished skin of her right forearm. "There is no bruise here."

.

Oliver spent a second just breathing on the top of the roof as he watched Laurel through the window of her apartment. She was tense, pacing back and forth, but there was a familiar tension in her shoulders. His words had gotten through to her. She was going to investigate Jason Brodeur and prove Peter Declan's innocence. Oliver smiled fondly underneath the hood. Laurel had never been able to let a guilty man go.

His smile soured. He hadn't wanted to drag her into this, not after what he'd allowed to happen to Sara, but he hadn't had another choice. Laurel was one of the best lawyers in Starling City, and she had an intuition and a knack for finding out the truth. She was his best bet for revealing Brodeur's crimes.

Still, his bones itched at the danger he was putting her in. If Brodeur got wind of an investigation into his affairs, he wouldn't hesitate to send someone after Laurel. Hell, look what had happened to Peter Declan's wife.

Oliver turned away from Laurel's apartment, nocking an arrow and aiming for the next building over. With a steady exhale, he loosed it, holding onto his bow tightly as he shot away off the roof, sailing through the air and through the now-shattered window of the empty building. As much as he would love to stay and watch after Laurel, he had another errand to run tonight.

An errand that took him to Merlyn Global Group's headquarters, and Malcolm Merlyn's office.

He was shameless in admitting to himself that he wanted Malcolm out of Cali's and Tommy's lives. He'd always longed for the day when the wretched man would disappear again and not come back. Even back during school, when Cali hadn't meant so much to him and Tommy had fought for Oliver with an intensity that had startled him.

It had startled Moira too, if Oliver remembered correctly. For some reason, she'd always expected there to be discontent between the Queens and the Merlyns, but Oliver and Tommy had gotten on like a house on fire, and Cali and Thea had tagged along for the ride.

Of course, once Malcolm had come back, Tommy had been almost desperate to get into dirty fights, to have someone pummel his face until the marks from his father were indistinguishable from anything else. Cali had showed up at school with headaches, a fear of shouting, and chronic insomnia due to nightmares.

Oliver had never forgiven Malcolm for that, not entirely. Now was his chance to make it right, to get revenge for the years of confusion and hurt he'd forced his children through.

Malcolm Merlyn had failed this city.

Oliver would make it right.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy and Cali have a quiet morning. Cali falls apart. Parker is a real one. Janet can do gymnastics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so first off: i adore writing for Tommy and Cali's relationship. i'm an only child, so if something seems off in their banter and whatnot, please don't come for me. 
> 
> secondly: Dolor Park is a clue. no more, no less. 
> 
> the next chapter hits some heavy shit, so enjoy this general fluff while you can
> 
> as always, leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"Save me now because tomorrow's gone  
Just like yesterday"_   
**TYLER JOSEPH - _'Just Like Yesterday'_**

.

Cali woke up the way falling in love was described: slowly and quietly, with an ache in her heart and a pulsing hunger tearing at her stomach.

She stretched in bed, relishing in the burn of her muscles as she eased the tension out of them. The aceh had vanished during her sleep, and when she held her hand over her face and stared at it, her fingers didn't shake. The only remnant of her attack was a searing headache that made her hiss under her breath.

"Are you awake yet?" Tommy shouted from the kitchen, and Cali grinned, pulling herself up so she was sitting with her back to the headboard. When she didn't respond, Tommy padded to the doorway and stuck his head through, holding a tray. "Ah, there she is!"

Cali's grin stretched wider. "How many times have you called out only to find I'm still asleep?"

"Not important." Tommy waved a hand flippantly. He was wearing an atrocious orange apron, with a sausage strategically placed near the bottom. Cali couldn't hide her amusement. "Anyway," Tommy said brightly, "because I'm awesome, I've made breakfast for you."

"No bacon?" Cali checked.

Tommy gave her a droll look as he moved into the room, carefully settling the tray on Cali's legs. "I'm offended you would think so little of me. Don't worry, I've got your standard order - all the hashbrowns in the damn apartment and tomato sauce. I even got a frappe delivered for you, no cream."

"Mm." Cali hummed appreciatively, immediately picking up the cold drink and taking a long drink. She hummed again, looking up at Tommy and beaming. "You really are my favourite brother."

"I'm your only brother, so I'm also your _least_ favourite brother, but okay."

"Stop ruining a good thing."

Tommy rolled his eyes. "Eat your food."

Cali stuck her tongue out childishly, but obediently started pulling apart her hashbrowns, dunking the pieces in the river of tomato sauce on her plate before eating them. Each bite was better than the first, and sooner than she thought, the plate was clean and the frappe cup empty. Tommy just laughed as he grabbed the tray and bustled out of the room.

Cali sank back down until her head was resting on the pillow again, duvet pulled up to her chin. She wasn't tired, not really, but something heavy clutched at her bones and she found that it was verging on impossible to move much besides rolling around in the bed. Now that her hunger had been dealt with, she was free to dwell on her headache and the emptiness in her chest.

She'd embarrassed herself last night.

Oliver shouldn't have been subjected to her exhausted worry and subsequent conversation before she'd fled into the night. She'd been a mess in front of Parker too, and while it wasn't the first time, it certainly made her feel small. God knew what Tommy thought of her now. He sounded at ease, but she knew that the conversation they'd put off after Cali's attack wouldn't be tucked away forever.

She tugged the duvet over her head, squeezing her eyes shut as her hot breaths puffed against the thick fabric. It got hot quickly, but she didn't pull herself out until she heard Tommy come back into the room.

He raised an eyebrow as she threw the duvet off her face. "Trying to smother yourself now?"

"It didn't work," Cali grumbled half-heartedly, blinking up at him. "God, this headache feels like it's trying to break out of my damn skull."

"Good thing I'm the best brother in the world."

Tommy motioned for her to hold her hand out, dropping two small tablets onto her palm. Cali threw them into her mouth instantly, dry swallowing them without a second thought. Tommy simply shook his head before setting down the glass of water he'd had in his hand down on the bedside table.

Cali gave him a sheepish look. "I totally didn't see the water."

Tommy flicked his fingers dismissively, perching himself on the edge of the bed. "I know you're a drama queen," he said easily. "I'm not surprised."

"Damn. That means I have to step up my game."

"You're exhausting."

"I try."

Tommy swatted her gently, and Cali fell silent, sensing the need to be a little more serious. Tommy looked tired down to his bones - his shoulders were slouched as though the weight of the world rested there and his eyes were dull and slightly glossy with a type of emotion Cali wasn't overly familiar with.

He took a moment just to stare at her, fiddling with something small in his hands. Cali eyed the object warily, waiting for Tommy to say something, to _do_ something. It was obvious he had things he wanted to tell her.

Finally, he sighed and held out the small object. Cali recognised it as a USB drive, black and unassuming. She didn't take it, instead stared back at Tommy quizzically. Her brother sighed again, heavier this time, like she'd missed something he'd tried to convey without words.

"This was on the counter top this morning," he said quietly as he dropped his arm, evidently sensing that Cali wasn't going to grab it. "There was a note with it, addressed to you. I think the vigilante in the hood left it here sometime this morning, after we both fell asleep."

Cali frowned down at the small drive, watching Tommy roll it between his fingers. "What's on it?"

Tommy shook his head. He didn't know.

Cali held her hand out and Tommy passed the device over, the plastic warm from the constant handling. Nothing about it seemed dangerous or particularly foreboding but it seemed heavy in her grip, like the secrets it held were weighing it down. She turned it over and over, eyes searching for any sort of mark or indication of why it was here, why she needed it.

She glanced up at Tommy. "Do you still have the note?"

This time, Tommy was more reluctant when he handed it over. Cali snatched it out of his hand without really caring about his hesitancy. The paper was thick and official, clearly torn from a pad with little patience or consideration. There was a company logo in the corner, stamped in blue.

Cali went cold.

That was her father's company logo.

The hooded vigilante had been to her father's company and brought something _back_.

She scanned the note quickly, gnawing on the inside of her lip. Something about the writing seemed...off, or familiar. No, not familiar. It was _something_ , and she couldn't quite put her finger on it. She felt as though she should recognise it, but there was nothing to recognise. It didn't match the handwriting of anyone she knew.

The note itself read: _'Calissa, your father has not told you everything. This USB contains proof of his treachery and betrayal of your family. Read it carefully and use it cautiously. It may be dangerous for you to act with haste.'_

There was no signature.

Cali crumpled the note in her hand, gritting her teeth.

Of course it was about Malcolm. It was always about Malcolm, and Malcolm's treachery, and Malcolm's troubles, and Malcolm's bitterness. He was always the bad guy, and Cali _knew_ that it would never change, but she'd always hoped that her and Tommy had been spared from his outrage.

"This is typical," she said, voice tight and hot. "We always seem to be the ones cleaning up the messes he leaves behind."

Tommy watched her, lips turned down with dismay and disappointment. "Do you think it has to do with why he was grabbing at you so insistently yesterday?"

Cali bit her lip. It was more likely that it had to do with why Malcolm was drugging her, but she hadn't told Tommy about that yet, so she nodded impassively and let her brother assume what he would. She'd tell him when she had some answers, not before. There was no point in getting him angry until she had everything figured out.

Tommy exhaled slowly through his nose, tilting his head to the side just slightly. Cali watched him mutely, holding on to the USB so tightly she could feel it press into her palm. Any sense of peace was long gone by now, but Cali suddenly craved that naivety that would allow her to live in bliss for a little while. She was tired of family drama, of people not dying, of not being able to trust anyone.

She was tired of vigilantes who appeared at the same time her best friend came back from the dead, and she was tired of her headaches. She was tired of how difficult it was just to be a normal girl in an abnormal city.

"Just once," she said to her brother, who winced at her deadened tone, "I would like to do something fun. Something that doesn't involve mysterious information or danger."

Tommy hummed absently, twisting his fingers around each other as he collected his thoughts. "You know, if it's fun you're looking for, tomorrow _is_ Sunday." He wiggled his eyebrows at her as though that was supposed to mean something. When Cali only gave him a blank look, Tommy sagged. "I guess I better text Janet and tell her you aren't interested."

Cali shot straight up in bed, eyes blown wide. " _Fuck_."

Tomorrow was _Sunday_.

Tomorrow was _Janet_.

Immediately, Cali was searching for her phone, only now realising that her jacket had been stripped from her before she'd fallen asleep and was now somewhere out of sight. She tried to scramble out of bed, but Tommy held her back with one hand, using his other to fish her phone out of his own pocket.

"I didn't want you to roll on it during the night," he explained as Cali dove for the device, carelessly tossing the USB on the nightstand and pulling up Janet's number. "Oh, and in case the food threw you off, it's almost midday."

"Tommy," Cali said slowly, once she'd checked the time and confirmed it was 11:56am. "Why were you feeding me breakfast food at lunchtime?"

Tommy raised a shoulder carelessly. "I don't believe lunchtime starts until after 12pm so-"

"Why did you let me sleep so long? I _never_ sleep so long!"

Tommy studied her for a heartbeat, the humour on his face faltering as he tried to figure out if she was genuinely upset about the situation. Evidently, he found enough in her face to decide that she was more distressed with her body's sudden lapse than his decision to let it happen. After all, Malcolm had drugged her before, and she hadn't slept for longer than usual.

Which, when she really thought about it, was strange. She remembered sleeping _deeply_ a few times, and hadn't Malcolm said something about not being able to wake her up? Yes, he had. When she'd missed Oliver's court date to legally resurrect him. She'd thought it strange that she'd slept through that. If she was drugged, that would explain it.

But there had to have been other times, like last night. The lemonade should have had more of an effect, despite her not drinking the whole glass. Instead, she'd only managed a few hours before waking up again.

She'd slept for a full nine hours after her attack without being drugged. Why? _How_?

She slept _deeply_ , but not for _long_.

"I know your attacks take a lot out of you." Tommy sounded oddly strained, and Cali blinked at him in alarm. Tommy didn't quite meet her eyes. "They always have. Remember the few months after I tracked you down?"

Cali winced. Right. She'd disappeared for six months after Michael had been convicted and sentenced. Tommy had found her, shattered into a million little pieces, and then nursed her back to sanity. It had been a long struggle, and Cali had lost her cool too many times to count, but they'd gotten through it.

Tommy had a point. Every single one of her meltdowns left her weak and exhausted. Maybe Malcolm didn't need to drug her. He might as well just trigger her.

Cali shook her head. "Forget the breakfast thing, I'm being a bitch. I'll text Janet, and then I'll call Parker to take me home."

Tommy inhaled sharply. "I don't think that's a good idea," he said carefully. "Malcolm could be waiting for you again, and after his actions yesterday, I don't know if I'm comfortable with you being alone. We both know he'll track you down if he thinks he can get to you."

"You can't wrap me in bubble wrap and just wait for the trouble to go away," Cali said.

Tommy lifted his chin minutely. "I can try," he said with the flickering defiance of a man who would stare God in the face and laugh if it meant protecting those he cared about.

Cali very steadily said nothing and tapped out a brief message to Janet. She pretended her fingers didn't tremble when she pressed send and turned the phone off.

_'I can't take on Starling City tomorrow without help. Have you got a treasure map for me?'_

Innocuous. Innocent. Playful, almost. Everything Cali wanted out of a relationship. Janet hadn't come back from the dead. Janet didn't have a father that interfered. Janet had a nice smile and she made amazing milkshakes and her freckles just happened to look like constellations. Cali _wanted_ this, wanted someone that wasn't part of her tangled past. Someone fresh, someone new.

Someone real, who was with her because they wanted to be, not because they'd grown up with her and felt they had to be.

Her phone buzzed with Janet's response. Cali checked it with her heart in her throat. A time and a place, followed by, _'X marks the spot!'_

Somehow, it didn't really make Cali feel any better.

Tommy could only watch in silent dismay as Cali dialled Parker's number and told him to take her home, she needed a night to herself. Tommy could only watch as Cali hauled herself out of bed and grabbed onto the USB drive and the crumpled-up note, squaring her shoulders and setting her jaw as she prepared to walk away.

He waited until she'd bid him farewell and shut the front door firmly behind her before whispering, "Good luck."

.

_"I want to meet your dad."_

_Cali started, taken off-guard by the sudden declaration. They were sitting at the dining table, dinner on their plates. Michael had already started eating. Cali just felt sick. "I'm sorry?"_

_Michael frowned. "It wasn't that hard. I want to meet your father. You don't talk much about him, but I figure since your mom's dead, he's a pretty important part of your life."_

_Cali's breathing had stuttered to a gentle halt at the careless mention of her mother. Michael had been completely blase, as though he didn't care about the pain that came with each reminder, the soulful agony that haunted Cali day and night. And besides, she'd told him about Malcolm._

_"My father and I aren't close," she said cautiously, unsure whether the reminder would set her boyfriend off. He was unpredictable like that, and Cali hated to make him angry._

_Michael slammed his fork down, dark eyes shuttering and lips tightening with displeasure. "I didn't ask if you were close, I said I wanted to meet him. I want to see what he's like."_

_"He's a bastard," Cali said bluntly._

_Michael grinned meanly, the sudden switch in emotion throwing Cali off balance. "I said that about your brother too, and you got mad at me." He leaned forward, his edges sharp and dangerous. "Do you like your shitty family, Lissy? Is that why you're the way you are?"_

_Cali opened her mouth to defend herself, but found she couldn't make a sound. Her vocal cords had frozen, her throat was unbearably tight. It was hard enough getting a decent breath of air, let alone forming words and shoving them out of her mouth. So instead of calling Michael out on his bulshit, she could only sit there and gape._

_Michael cackled, like something funny had just happened, and picked up his fork again. "At least they taught you how to sit down and shut up."_

_Cali managed a wounded clicking sound before she shut her mouth and focused on her dinner. She wanted to say a number of things, had a mental list of horrible names she could throw at her boyfriend, but she swallowed it all back. It wasn't worth it. All it would achieve was fighting, and Cali was tired of fighting._

_Instead, she let Michael drive the knife a little deeper. "I bet they made a lot of trouble for you," he said brightly, as though this was a happy conversation and not a brutal display of cruelty. "Rick folks always do. It's the Cinderella story, of course. They choose their less popular, more useless girl and they step all over her. Then that same girl gets rescued by a prince who loves her and will always cherish her."_

_'Are you my prince?' Cali wanted to ask, but she didn't. She knew the answer. It might've sounded romantic if she wasn't so ungrateful._

_Michael continued casually, "You're Cinderella, Lissy. I'm the one who saved you from that horrible family. I love you, not them."_

_On and on he went, and Cali never dared speak up. It wasn't worth it, sometimes. It was late, she was tired. The fighting always got nasty when she was tired. Instead, she listened as Michael talked about Tommy being a bad influence, and how he was sure Malcolm would fail to live up to his expectations._

_Cali made dinner plans at one of the fanciest restaurants in Starling City. Malcolm never showed and Michael laughed all the way home._

.

God _bless_ Parker.

Cali made another small, happy sound as she flipped to the next page of her new book. It had been sitting on the backseat for her, brand new and inviting. Parker smiled gently. "Cassidy recommended it," he said. "I thought you might enjoy something new."

Cali, whose eagerness had faltered slightly at the mention of Cassidy, met his eyes in the rearview mirror for a single breath. "Thank you," she said sincerely. "You two always seem to know what I need before _I_ do."

Parker said, "It's all part of the job, Miss Cali."

_No_ , Cali thought, looking down at the book. _No, it really isn't, but I know what it is you aren't saying._

.

She slept fitfully that night, plagued by the horrible feeling that something was happening, something she was supposed to be a part of but was missing out on. The USB, buried at the bottom of her bedside draw, mocked her. The darkness of her room all at once seemed too heavy and yet not thick enough. She was too hot but too exposed.

She gave up on sleep at around five in the morning, instead opting to get up and have a long shower. It was supposed to make her feel better - it had in the past - but this time, Cali stood under the burning water and felt the yawning hollowness in her chest widen and widen until she was falling down inside herself.

The collapse was loud inside her head, a rumbling roar of hopelessness and grief. Her bones clashed together like the drums of war, the sound skittering away under her skin and merging with the bubbling wail of her veins. Her body was a symphony of destruction as it tore itself apart, gurgling as that chasm tried to swallow her destruction. The noises were loud and spinning; Cali felt drunk on the deafening cacophony of chaos.

Outside, in the real world, the only sound was Cali's breathing and the splattering of water on the tiles of the shower.

Her shoulders flexed without warning, her skin warmed beyond the point of soothing. With her mind fraying, her body was taking over, moving and twisting under the constant barrage of water droplets. Her fingers scrabbled against the wall as she teetered to the side, a sob catching in her throat and tearing at the soft skin.

She swallowed it back reflexively, battling her crumbling mental empire as she sought to regain control over herself. She couldn't let herself fall apart entirely, not in the way she had after Michael. Not now. Later, when Janet wasn't expecting her and Tommy wasn't thinking of her.

Later, when she'd faded from the forefront of people's minds and she could cease to exist in _peace_.

For now, though, she grappled with herself, smoothing over the gaping nothing with cobwebs and dusty promises that really meant nothing when she thought about them. Handful by handful, she built herself back up, enough so she could stand properly in the shower and not fall to her knees under the heat and pressure of a world that didn't care for those who weren't special.

Achingly slowly, Cali washed her body down, rinsing her hair and gentling her skin. She stitched up invisible wounds until her insides weren't on her outside anymore, and then she carefully pushed it all down until she could be herself, just for a little while.

She had a tendency to fall apart like this without warning. Her old therapist used to say that so long as she found a way to make herself up again, everything else would fall into line.

Doctor Bath had always been a clueless bitch.

Cali turned off the shower, basking in the stilted silence that hung in the air for a split second after the water stopped. All at once, the peace shattered, and she moved, grabbing her towel and humming under her breath. Her illusion of control strengthened with each line of the song she sang in her head, and by the time she was moving back to her bedroom to get dressed, it was though her entire breakdown had never happened.

The best thing about imploding? There was nothing to see on the outside afterwards. Cali dressed herself in sheer black stockings and a skirt, tying the bottom of a green blouse into a knot so that the garment was cropped and ended just above her belly button. She pulled on some boots and pulled her hair into a ponytail, and then she stared at herself in the mirror long enough to hate the entire ensemble.

But she looked whole. The only fracture was her face, but once she'd smeared on some make-up, the look had gone. The girl in the mirror looked normal, attractive. Her eyes were a little sharp, edged with eye-liner as they were, but there were no signs that she was held together by spider silk strands.

She turned away from the mirror before she was sucked into her reflection.

She moved out of the room, grabbing her bag and her phone before bustling down stairs and into the car waiting for her. She pulled up a map of Starling City on her phone, even as she told Parker the destination.

Janet's text had contained the name of a quaint little water-front attraction, Dolor Park. It bordered the far side of the Glades, where there were fewer people but more plants. Dolor Park had been a pet project for the last mayor they'd had, years ago.

Once upon a time, when the park had been new, it had been possible to watch birthday parties take place, watch children run and play on once-new equipment. Now, as all things were this close to the Glades, the park was run-down and overgrown, sprawling vines laying claim to the swings and the metal poles and the childhood memories.

Cali had to admit there was a strange beauty to it. As Parker drove along the waterfront, she took in the unusual picture. The soft greenness of Dolor Park, framed by the decrepit greyness of the Glades. The lines were harsh, the difference in colour and life and meaning pressing against Cali's face, even as she resided safely behind the window of the car.

Parker pulled to a stop in front of an overgrown ramp down into the water. "Would you like me to wait?"

Cali glanced out at the park, eyes snagging on a small moving figure that seemed to be weaving in and out of the old playground. "No," she answered lightly, smiling. "I'm sure we'll be just fine."

She stepped out of the car without another moment's hesitation, slinging her bag strap over her shoulder and hurrying over to the playground. The figure morphed and solidified the closer she got, until Janet's face came into focus, angelic in the morning light.

Cali's breath was snatched away shamelessly, but she found that she couldn't care less. Janet was almost ethereal, her ginger hair loose and floating around her shoulder, her mouth painted with a dangerous coat of lipgloss. She was wearing jeans and a sweater, and managed to look as though she were going to a red carpet event.

"Hi Janet," Cali greeted breathlessly.

Janet laughed, a very pleasant sound, and wrapped Cali in a tight hug. "Hi!"

Janet gave very good hugs.

Cali wasn't the first one to pull away and found herself missing the contact the minute Janet stepped back. She bit back her complaints, though, and simply smiled as widely as she could. Janet laughed again, obviously delighted. Cali flushed.

"I admit," she confessed bashfully, "this was not where I expected you to pick."

Janet gave her a sly smile and tilted back to lean on an ivy-smothered pillar for long-forgotten monkey bars. "I've always loved this park," she said, sounding more than a little wistful. "I brought my little brother here every day until the accident."

"The accident?" Cali repeated.

Janet looked away, idly brushing her hand along another bar. "We live in the Glades." It was answer enough.

Cali reached out and gently grabbed Janet's arm, conveying her empathetic sorrow without actually saying the words. Janet didn't say anything either, but the look she shot Cali said all that it needed to.

"Come on," Cali said, trying not to let the strain of her emotions colour her voice. "I haven't played on a playground like this for _ages_."

She burst into action suddenly, once Janet had nodded her agreement, hands scrabbling to find a grip on the overgrown monkey bars. She managed to hold herself for two counts before the plants gave way around the bars and she dropped to her knees. She didn't stay down for long though, and Janet whooped and hollered encouragement as Cali clambered to her feet.

Cali sketched a bow, like she was a performer in front of a live audience, and jumped for the now-clear monkey bar again, the worn metal biting into her palms. She hung for a moment, feeling more than seeing the ground disappear beneath her feet. She was both weightless and far too heavy.

She lasted three minutes before her fingers slipped and she crashed to her feet.

Janet appeared beside her, giving her a sneaky wink before gracefully reaching up and pulling herself easily off the ground. She hung for a second, like Cali had, but then her shoulders tensed and slowly, her body lifted even more.

"Holy shit," Cali breathed, awed, as Janet easily pushed herself up until the bar was pressing into her stomach. With nothing more than an exhale, Janet dropped back down and swung, easily slotting her legs through the next gap, the rest of her body following. Within seconds, Janet was sitting on top of the monkey bars, looking down at Cali with eyes that were far too smug.

She batted her eyelashes. "High School gymnastics champion, baby."

Cali put her hands on her hips, awe melting into something cheekier. "So you're flexible?"

"When I want to be." Janet laughed her tinkling laugh, the sweet sound at odds with her suggestive words. Cali blustered for a second, deciding to find a way up to join Janet instead of figuring out an answer. "You're coming up?"

Cali grinned, reaching for the supporting beams around the monkey bars and clambering up on them. "I may not have your fancy tricks," she puffed, pulling herself up until she could crawl along the top of the monkey bars, "but I'm not going to let you stew in a false victory."

Janet laughed again, and Cali came to a stop beside her, and they sat atop the monkey bars in Dolor Park.

.

"Laurel, I know you're frustrated, but you need to be careful. If Jason Brodeur is guilty, he could come after you for meddling with the Declan case." Laurel grumbled to herself, muttering some very uncivil things about male genitals and where to stick them. Cali tried in vain to muffle her amusement as she continued. "You're doing this for the hooded guy, right?"

Laurel huffed. "I'm doing this for justice, not for some vigilante in an outdated costume."

"Laurel. I know you better than that."

There was a beat of silence before Laurel sighed, her anger deflating and melting into something more like hopeless despair. Cali frowned down at the pasta that was bubbling away on the stove. It wasn't like Laurel to give up so easily, so totally. Laurel was a fighter - the good old fashioned Lance genetics made it hard to give up the good fight.

But both Oliver Queen and the hooded vigilante seemed to be causing events and reactions that wouldn't otherwise occur. Starling City was tripping over itself trying to understand and accommodate two foreign personalities, despite Oliver's attempts to live the lie he'd built upon his return.

The truth would come out eventually. It was a question of who was ready for it.

"I think the Hood is someone I know," Laurel said finally, much quieter now that she'd moved on from ranting about the corrupt political system. "I think it's someone who knows _me_. He's...I don't know."

Cali worried at her bottom lip with her teeth, stirring her pasta thoughtfully. "You know how creepy that is, right? Like, objectively?"

Laurel let out a small, startled laugh. "Shut up."

"No seriously. You have no idea if you know this person, even though they seem to know things about you. They have an obsession with you."

"But _why_?" Laurel asked. "I'm not a very interesting person."

Cali squinted at her pasta, wondering if the water was supposed to froth like that. "Laurel, honey, you're plenty interesting. You're also very attractive. And the daughter of a cop. And an awesome lawyer. And you fight for justice too, you just don't hide your face. There are a million reasons some random in a hood might be interested in you."

" _Pshaw_ ," Laurel said.

Turning off the stove, Cali wedged her phone between her ear and her shoulder, grabbing the pot of pasta and tipping everything into the strainer. The steam hissed up into the air and warmed the skin of her forearm. She hummed to herself softly, abandoning the used pot in the sink and moving to drain the last of the water from the pasta.

Hurriedly, she transferred the pasta into a bowl, dumping an excessive amount of cheese on top before grabbing a fork and sashaying over to her couch. "So," she said to Laurel, curling up on the end seat. "Do you have any solid theories about who's under the hood?"

Laurel shifted on her end, possibly mimicking Cali's transference to the couch. "I don't know," Laurel harrumphed. "The timing is strange. I mean, if a vigilante is going to go after rich guys, why wait until now? It doesn't add up, you know?"

Cali shoved a forkful of cheesy pasta into her mouth, contemplative. Laurel was right, something about the whole vigilante thing was off. The timing, the targets, the sudden fascination with Laurel. If it weren't for the killing of the victims, Cali would have suggested Tommy. He had the passion and the drive for vigilantism, and Oliver's return had certainly set him on edge. But killing....Tommy wouldn't stand for killing people so mercilessly, no matter how much they deserved it.

"It could be John Diggle," Cali mused, stabbing at her pasta. "He appeared around Oliver at the same time the vigilante showed up. He's got a military background, the morals, the drive." Privately, she didn't think John was the sort of person to pick off billionaires with a bow and some arrows, but she didn't really want to think about the most likely option.

Neither did Laurel, it seemed. "For all we know, it could be some random kid who has a celebrity crush." Laurel's voice was brittle with the unacknowledged truth they both understood.

It was obvious who was under that hood. There was only one person who'd gone away, and then come back twisted enough to kill people. There was one person who could've learned to use a bow and arrow, simply to survive if there were no guns, no people, no help coming. There was one person who'd come back at the same time as the new vigilante, one person who had shadows in his eyes and secrets of his tongue.

Cali _knew_ who was under that hood.

But she couldn't bring herself to accept it, acknowledge it, _understand_. Not yet. She couldn't. The minute she allowed herself to know that Oliver-

Cali viciously stabbed a piece of pasta, jaw clenching. She wasn't hungry anymore. There was nothing in her stomach but a hollow sense of dread. She set the bowl aside, spoon clinking against the ceramic sides. She curled further into herself, holding the phone again rather than relying on smushing it beneath her cheek.

"Do you think...." Laurel trailed off, sounding uncharacteristically vulnerable. "Cali, I really like your brother. He's sweet, and genuine, and I can tell he really wants us to work, but..."

"You're still in love with Oliver."

It was a truth, a fact, a statement. Cali had no doubt in her heart or her mind that whatever had been between Oliver and Laurel had never really died. She could see it, even now. Laurel's rage and loathing for Oliver was born out of fear and hurt. She was scared of her own feelings and what that meant for them both. She was hurt, because Oliver had already run away once and it had gotten Sara killed.

It was not a question of whether Laurel loved Oliver. It was a question of whether Laurel could love Tommy just as much, if not more.

Cali knew the answer to that one too, deep down. It broke her heart.

Subdued, Laurel said, "I need to meet with Peter Declan. I'll talk to you later?"

Throat tight, Cali nodded. "I'll see you on the other side."

Her words were met with the dial tone and the echoing knowledge that everything in Starling City was falling apart, and Cali could only hold her hand out and watch it slip through her fingers like sand.

.

It seemed word of her therapy sessions got around. Not too long after her call with Laurel, once the sun had dipped below the horizon and it was the moon's turn, Cali felt her phone buzz on her leg, jarring and urgent. It could have been anybody, and she was expecting it to be one of four people when she flicked the screen on.

_'I need to know: Can I have faith in Oliver Queen?'_

The text was from John Diggle, who was decidedly _not_ one of the four she'd expected, and radiated enough distress that Cali muted the TV and sat up a little bit straighter. It was odd to get something like this from the unflappable bodyguard. She knew that John had resigned from the original position, but she hadn't known why. Perhaps she could find out.

She tapped furiously on the screen, brows furrowing. _'Faith? Hard to say. No trust for a billionaire playboy with secrets?'_

She didn't have to wait long for an answer. _'Faith and trust are two very different things, Miss Merlyn.'_

She knew what he meant, what he was trying to say. Trust was hard to give, harder still to earn. Trust had to be earned, had to be won, had to be fought for. Trust could be tender, wavering, strong or weak. Trust was a privilege, a reward, a promise.

Faith was absolute. It was easy to give, to receive. It was easier to lose it. To have faith in someone, in something... that kind of power could level cities and forge love and launch a crusade into the past where everybody's crucibles became a tangled knot of agony and bitter loss.

Her thumbs hesitated for a moment before she typed out her response.

_'Have faith in Oliver Queen.'_

She watched her phone.

John didn't answer.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cali faces some awful truths. It's hard to defend friends against friends. The story of Michael starts to piece itself together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, one, the reveal is in this chapter and it isn't dramatic. I kind of went with Cali figuring it out gradually? Sorry   
> ALSO:  
> This chapter has some potentially triggering themes towards the end. Please read carefully, and watch your triggers.
> 
> (Also, I really don't want you to think I'm romanticising abuse. I'm not. I'm just trying to make it convincing for Cali's character arch.)

_"So I try to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies  
I try to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes."_   
**THE CURE - _'Boys Don't Cry'_**

.

_Good old Starling City_ , Cali thought wryly to herself, flipping off the news and yawning hard enough to make her jaw click. Apparently, there'd been an attack at Iron Heights last night. Someone gunning for Peter Declan and Laurel Lance. Somehow, Cali wasn't surprised in the slightest. This whole situation has been trouble from the start.

Instead of panicking, Cali very calmly got dressed, grabbed her bag, and walked out the front door. She had work today, and as much as she wanted to lay under the covers and hide from the terrible world, she was an adult and really couldn't do that.

She drove to work slowly, the radio blaring as loud as she could stand it in an attempt to mask the thoughts that were beating around her head. Oliver's name made her feel sick, and everytime she tried to think about Tommy, she thought about the USB drive and Malcolm, and thinking about Malcolm just made her remember syrupy lemonade and disappearing bruises.

She still hadn't looked at whatever was on the USB.

She knew it was important, knew that it explained why Malcolm was drugging her, why he was so insistent on having her around, but she was so terrified of the answer she'd get. She knew her father wasn't a good man, but to have the evidence... She didn't want this. She didn't want to know, and she didn't want _Tommy_ to know, and she'd really just like her life to go back to the way it was.

Back before Oliver had miraculously returned, the most she had to worry about was work. For that last year after she'd finally found the strength to live on her own again, her life had been an easy cycle of Tommy and Laurel and Starling Public Library. She'd once had a crisis over which flavour of ice cream was the best.

Now, she had attacks over her father's secrets and a not-dead best friend. Ex-best friend? Well, whatever Oliver was to her now. His very existence went against everything, because what was dead should stay dead and what was trouble should stay far away from Calissa Merlyn. Of course, neither of those would happen, but they _should_ , and that was the whole problem.

_Oliver_ was the whole problem.

No, no he wasn't and Cali knew it, but it was so much easier to blame him. Oliver could be cut off, shoved away, locked out. He could be called a liar, a fake, a playboy. His mask could easily be mistaken for the truth if one didn't care to look deeper. It was infinitely easier to blame someone like Oliver Queen than Malcolm Merlyn. It didn't mean that Oliver deserved it, but it meant that Cali didn't have to try anymore.

Her grip tightened on the wheel as she slowly backed into a park outside the library. She really was her father's daughter if she was thinking about using Oliver as her emotional scapegoat. It was a cruel thing to do, and no matter what secrets Oliver found himself hiding, he didn't deserve her animosity.

The walk inside felt impossibly long, and by the time Cali made it to the office after clocking in, she really just wanted to be at home in bed again. She was still tired, and her body seemed to be more sluggish than usual.

Naomi had commandeered Martha's desk again, and looked up as Cali trudged in, her fine eyebrows drawing together into a small frown. "I didn't think you were coming in today, boss."

Cali settled down at her desk, sighing heavily at the stack of paperwork that was waiting for her. Once, the mundane and boring normality would have excited her - now it just made wonder if this whole job thing was worth it. She had money. Why bother staying?

She looked over to Naomi, who hadn't stopped typing but was obviously waiting for an answer. Typical Naomi, always shoving her face into other people's business. "I don't know why you would think that," Cali said evenly, taking the first folder off the top of the stack. "I work Mondays and you know that."

Someone scoffed, and Cali's lips thinned as Martha rose from her crouch by the filing cabinet in the corner. It said something about Cali's lack of focus this morning given that she hadn't seen the woman when she'd first arrived.

Martha surveyed her for a second, pensive. Finally, she crossed her arms and leaned against Naomi's desk, looking strangely clement. "Your brother called, said you were taking a few days off sick."

"Oh."

Cali let out a long breath through her nose and then flipped open the folder in her hands, ending the conversation. She could see Martha and Naomi share a look out of the corner of her eye, but then both ladies seemed to shrug and then return to their own work. Cali tried her best to ignore the feeling that was squirming in her chest, because Tommy had done that because he cared, not because he was trying to control her life.

It was just... Cali had issues, she knew that. Michael had screwed her up, and just when she'd smoothed herself out again, Oliver had returned and burnt her to a crisp. Tommy had every right to be worried about her, especially after 2am on Saturday morning, but this was _Cali's_ life. _She_ knew her limits, knew how far she could push them before she broke something. Tommy didn't have to make those calls for her.

She worked through the paperwork automatically, signing her name with increasing levels of aggravation. She thought, finally, after all this time, that people would start trusting her to look after herself. She was breakable, sure, and she was living with fissure cracks in her soul, but she wouldn't break down if someone tapped her on the shoulder.

She wasn't helpless this time.

"Oh Cali, you're here." Nancy's voice was surprisingly loud, and Cali startled out of her strange trance. The pile of folders on the desk had shrunk dramatically, but she still wasn't done. After she'd signed them, she'd have to enter them into the system one-by-one and then start on her emails and-

She conjured a smile from _somewhere_ and turned it on Nancy. "Hey Nance."

Nancy clucked her tongue. "Your brother told us you were sick."

"I'm fine."

"Well, you can leave anyway." Nancy's concern blunted any offense her words may have caused. "Brenden is coming in soon, and he'll work through that mess of paperwork for you."

Cali blinked down at the folder she was working through. The words swam a little bit, running off the page in a blur of ink and intention. Huh, okay. Maybe she still wasn't 100% but to be fair, Janice had taken her to an ice cream parlour and then kept her up late with stories about her childhood. Maybe she was just tired.

Naomi spoke up from Martha's desk, sounding matter-of-fact and unbothered. "You look like crap, boss." Her fingers never stopped their frantic tapping on the keyboard.

Martha added, "Take this week off and then come back next week and make up for it."

"I could fire all of you," Cali grumbled, but obediently started to gather her things and tidy up her paperwork.

Naomi blew her a kiss, grinning cheekily. "You love us too much."

Martha muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "Speak for yourself." Cali didn't bother reacting to the jab. She still wasn't sure where she and Martha stood with each other.

Nancy made a small cooing sound when Cali finally made it over to her at the doorway, and then Cali was being ushered out towards the front doors. Nancy was babbling something about Brenden's latest project, a weekend writer's workshop, when Cali's phone trilled with an incoming call.

Grateful for the interruption, Cali shot her coworker an apologetic look and fished the device out of her bag, expression pinching as Walter's name flashed. She answered quickly, still frowning. "Hey Walter," she greeted, gesturing for Nancy to return to the front desk. Nancy went, but not without hesitating. "You don't usually call me. Is everything okay?"

Walter didn't answer straight away and Cali's worry spiked. It was so extremely rare for Walter to call her personally, and every time, the news he had to share was not good. "Are you available right now?" Walter asked after another moment of quiet. He sounded subdued and grim, and Cali's worry shot into panic territory.

"I'm off work all week," she answered, fumbling with her bag as she slammed her thumb against the small device on the wall by the exit and clocked out. "Walter, what's wrong? Has something happened?"

Walter did not try to reassure her. Cali nearly tripped in her hurry to get out to her car. "I would appreciate it greatly if you could make time to come see me at the mansion," he said tightly. "I have something I would like to discuss with you in the privacy of my own home."

"Of course," Cali said, unlocking her car and throwing her bag in the bag carelessly. "I'm leaving now. I'll meet you there in a moment."

Walter murmured his thanks and then hung up. Cali put her key in the ignition, tugged on her seatbelt, and said goodbye to the law. She'd be breaking a few road rules today.

.

Moira met her in the foyer, her smile easy and relaxed. Clearly, she did not share in Walter's uncharacteristic solemnity. Whatever was happening was confined to Walter and Walter alone. Cali wasn't sure if that put her at ease or made her even more tense.

"It's good to see you," Moira said. "Are you here for Oliver? I think he's with Mr Diggle at the moment, but I'm sure he won't be long."

Cali tried to relax, tugging her lips into a mockery of a grin. Her mouth pinched uncomfortably, but Moira was still looking at her expectantly, so Cali didn't let it slip. "I was actually wondering if Walter was home," she said nicely. Moira's smile tightened. "There's a message from, uh, Felicity Smoak? Something about one of his documents corrupting. I think they need his signature."

Moira's suspicion doesn't fade, but it got a little blunter, a little more fuzzy around the edges. "Of course," she hummed agreeably, stepping back a little. "I can go and fetch him for you if you'd like to wait in the front room?"

A polite way of saying that Moira wanted a moment alone with Walter and Cali wasn't welcome upstairs today.

Whatever, Cali could wait her out. She hoped that dropping Felicity's name like that wouldn't get the IT girl into any Moira-based trouble. From what little interactions Cali had ever had with her, she was a good woman and didn't deserve the wrath of Moira Queen. Sure, maybe she was a little huper and had absolutely no filter, but Cali appreciated bluntness almost as much as she appreciated compliments had Felicity had dished out both.

Cali had only gone down to see her because neither her nor Walter had known the wifi password.

Moira walked away calmly, her implied cool undermined by her fast pace and the troubled look that had replaced her earlier friendliness. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong, and it had to do with Moira, and Walter knew about it, and Cali was about to be dragged into the middle of something she wasn't supposed to be a part of.

Good old Starling City.

Shaking her head to herself, she crept closer to the front room, deciding that deciphering Oliver's and John's conversation was a lot less stressful and worrying than imaging all the horrible things Walter could be hiding. At least she had a vague idea what John would be talking about. Sue her for being curious about Oliver's response.

Silently, with all the stealth she'd learned from her time with Michael, she tucked herself away in the shadows by the doorway and held her breath, willing her heartbeat to slow so she could properly hear the conversation. John was in the middle of speaking, like she'd expected.

"-re fighting a war, Queen, except you have no idea what war does to you, how it scrapes off the little pieces of your soul." John's voice was somehow tight and gentle at the same time, and Cali's breath caught in her throat at the mention of war. John continued, "And you need someone to remind you of who you are, not this thing you're becoming."

Fighting a war. A crusade. A battle that meant people were dying and Oliver was changing and not for the better. The conversation she'd had with Laurel suraced in her mind, brimming with the unacknowledged truth. Cali knew who was under the hood. She had for a while now. It just seemed so... impossible. So foreign. Too fantastical.

It was such an _Oliver_ thing to do.

Who else would disappear for five years, let everyone think he was dead, come back as if by some miracle, and then immediately hide himself away under a hood while he shot everyone that was unworthy and criminal. Who else had suffered through enough injustice to crave the stability of a fair system, a city clean of drug lords and millionaire losers and backstabbers.

Cali closed her eyes tightly, leaning against the doorframe. She didn't think she could hold her own weight right now. Her world was spinning too damn fast, and her balance was non-existent for the moment. Her breathing felt funny, like it was too loud and too quick, but she couldn't calm down. She couldn't really do anything but stand there and feel the ground whirl around under her feet.

Such a strong reaction to something she'd already known. Perhaps it was the unexpected addition of John Diggle, a man who had, until recently she suspected, been as ignorant to the scheme as the rest of them. Of course he'd been the first person Oliver told. Of course he'd know and then _text her_ about it!

What the fuck was Cali supposed to do now? Before, at least, she'd been granted plausible deniability. Everything had been circumstantial and fake and coincidental. Oliver disappearing at odd moments only for the vigilante to appear moments later. It made sense if she really _looked_ at it, but she'd had the choice not to.

Her choice was gone now.

The truth settled in her stomach like a stone and she drooped, curling an arm in against her chest in a pathetic imitation of comfort. She could never tell anyone. She probably shouldn't even tell Oliver. Nothing good would come from getting involved with the Hood. Cali didn't need that trouble in her life.

But Laurel-

"Calissa darling," Walter welcomed, trailing down the stairs after Moira. He _seemed_ fine, the same Walter with nothing to hide, but the strained wrinkles by his eyes gave him away. He put a warm hand on her shoulder. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting long?"

Cali wasn't sure she could speak. Her tongue was numb. Most of her body was numb, actually. Shock setted over her like a second skin. Walter gave her a searching look. Moira clicked her tongue. Cali spared a glance into the front room, only to find Oliver staring right back at her. Something horrified was draining the colour from his face, and his hands twitched by his side.

He looked ready to bolt, to run away from his problems again like another five years away would fix everything. Cali didn't want him to leave. She couldn't bear to have him stay. Her skin prickled under his heavy gaze. She turned away.

"Felicity needs you to sign some permission slips to restore your lost files," she said to Walter flatly. "Do you mind if we take this to your study?"

Walter nodded, steering her past Moira with a steady hand. She could hear Oliver saying something lowly, urgently, to John in the front room, but she didn't strain to listen. She'd heard enough things not meant for her today. She couldn't take anymore. Especially not if Walter had found out something so serious he had to tell her in the most private manner he could.

Except they never made it to the study.

The front door slammed open, police pouring through it with Detective Quinten Lance in front. Within seconds, Oliver was out in the foyer with them and Moira was draped over Walter. Cali stood on her own, stock still and burdened with knowledge.

"Oliver Queen-" Lance started.

Walter cut him off, sounding incredulous. "What is this? You can't just barge in here."

Lance shot him a nasty look, not sparing Cali from his wrath. She shrunk away from him. "Yeah?" He snarked. "Well, I got a badge and a gun that say different."

"Quinten-" Cali tried.

"Hey, what the hell's going on?" Oliver demanded, stepping forward. John didn't make a move to try and drag him back, but Cali spotted his fists clenching and unclenching at his side. It was good to know she wasn't the only one that was powerless in this situation.

Lance was angry, furious. If it were possible, smoke would be coming out of his ears, Cali swore it. There was a sense of smugness about him too, though, as though this was his chance to take his revenge for Sara. "Oliver Queen," he boomed as he forced Oliver to his knees and snapped handcuffs to his wrists, "You are under arrest on suspicion of obstruction of justice, aggravated assault, trespassing-"

"Quentin!" Cali snapped, mindful of Moira's desperate pleas for Walter to do something. Cali stepped forward. John started from off to her right, grabbing at her knitted jumper. Cali stopped, not because he managed to get a hold of her, but because her whole heart wasn't actually in her protests. "What are you doing this for? You really think Oliver is the Hood? Really?"

Hollow words. Cali knew what Oliver was. She knew that Quinten was right. But if she let this play out the way Lance wanted it to, several bad things would happen in quick succession and Starling City wouldn't be better for it. As twisted as Oliver's new mission was, Cali was sure it was for the betterment of the city and Ollie's family.

No matter how twisted he'd gotten during his five years away, he wouldn't turn on them like that.

Quinten stared at her with dead eyes as he continued listing the charges. "-Acting as a vigilante-"

Oliver gave a feeble attempt to shake Lance off. "Are you out of your mind?!"

"-And murder," Quinten finished. "You have the right to remain silent." He yanked Oliver onto his feet, gripping his arm tightly enough that Cali saw him wince. "Give up that right..." He didn't have to finish to get his point across. It was a threat, clear as day.

Cali worried at her bottom lip with her teeth as Lance dragged Olvier outside to the police car, standing in the foyer with a silent John as Moira fled outside after her newly-returned son, Walter on her heels. Cali could hear Moira's voice, pleading and demanding and frightened.

This had been a long time in coming. Cali was almost surprised it had taken this long to piece it all together, given the timings and the shadows that marred Oliver's face. Despite his best efforts, it was obvious that he wasn't the same shallow person he'd been before the _'Gambit'_ went down. It was expected, if not a little terrifying.

"How long have you known?" John asked very, very quietly.

Cali scoffed bitterly, pressing her hands to her stomach as though she could physically hold back her rising emotions. "Known for sure, or suspected?" She knew how she sounded - petty and angry and judgemental - but she would have no luck controlling herself now. "You have to be specific John. I'm obviously too stupid to understand these things."

John sighed through his nose. She watched him take a step forward out of the corner of her eye. "Cali, listen-"

"Maybe I don't want to listen," she spat, cutting him off and whirling around. He wasn't the true target of her anger, but he was pretty damn close, and Cali needed to get this out before it burnt her up inside. "You and Oliver _lied_ to me!"

"Well, technically we didn't lie," John said, tilting his head. "We just never told you."

"That's a lie of omission, John. Withholding information. It's _betrayal_."

"Cali, I didn't know either, okay? I only found out the night of the auction. It took me some time to get my head round."

Cali stalked away towards the open front door. The police cars were running now - she could hear the engines mix with Moira's distress. She could hear Oliver and Lance talking with short, angry voices. She could hear John behind her, taking measured breaths as though he was trying to control himself too.

This was all so unfair. Oliver was the Hood. It wasn't really a new revelation, but everytime Cali thought about it now, she could only remember the shock and horror on Oliver's face when he'd noticed her listening. If she hadn't found out on her own, he never would have told her. He would've gone through life by her side without saying a damn _word_.

What did she tell Tommy? _Should_ she tell Tommy? Deep down, she knew she couldn't tell anyone. There was danger in knowledge, and things were already strained enough between her brother and Oliver. But she couldn't just do the same thing Oliver had been doing, couldn't go through the motions and not tell him.

She was many things, and she was really hoping a hypocrite wasn't one of them.

John stepped up by her side, letting his shoulder brush against hers. She didn't pull away from the touch. "I know how this feels for you," he says lowly, watching the cars drive off slowly, sirens blaring. Cali bit her lip as Moira turned away and hid her face in Walter's chest. "I know it feels like betrayal, but I promise that Oliver kept it from you because he wanted to protect you. He just wants to protect all of us."

"He doesn't have to," Cali said. "We did just fine on our own for five years."

It wasn't that she was bitter about needing protection, except that it was. It chafed, knowing that Oliver had returned and _instantly_ decided that they were all too soft to know the truth. Maybe they were all fragile in their different ways, but that didn't mean Oliver had to separate himself from them just to protect them.

Cali didn't need his protection if it meant he didn't feel like he could tell her the truth.

"Your text last night," she realised, and John tensed beside her. "That was about this whole situation, wasn't it?"

John took a moment to answer. "You told me to have faith in Oliver Queen," he murmured, voice thick with _something_. "I think you owe it to Oliver to do the same."

Together, they watched Moira and Walter as police sirens wailed in the distance.

.

_See, it started like this:_

_They met on the streets, captured in a movie moment of perfect coincidence. Limbs flailing and tangling, drinks spilling, shocked laughter ripping free from tight throats. Michael had managed to maintain his hold on his coffee. Cali hadn't had as much luck with her milkshake._

_"I don't even know who was at fault there," Michael joked, untangling his jacket button from Cali's hair. "I'm sorry for your lost drink though."_

_Cali straightened herself out, grateful that she'd dropped the milkshake completely instead of spilling it down her front. She giggled breathlessly, brushing her hair away from her face. "It wasn't the best milkshake in the world," she said easily, backing up a step so there was no risk of the two of them repeating the incident. "My usual place was closed so I had to improvise."_

_"So I've actually done you a favour."_

_Cali's eyes crinkled when she smiled. "Something like that."_

_It went how the stories always tell it, with introductions and coffee dates and holding hands under the stars. It wasn't love, not yet. It was the shadow of something, though. Cali nursed the fledgling feeling at night when it was just her in her room, alone in the mansion her father had once abandoned. Michael made her feel special and beautiful. He never seemed to be after her money, always opting to pay for everything himself instead of taking what she offered._

_Tommy was less convinced. He crossed his arms and leaned back in his seat, eyeing her carefully. Cali tried not to be offended by his scrutiny. "What's his middle name?"_

_Cali rolled her eyes. "James."_

_"Michael James Martin?" Tommy wrinkled his nose. "Isn't there a saying about not trusting men with two first names? It tells you something about this guy, doesn't it?"_

_"Stop being a dick."_

_"I'm not being a dick, I'm being reasonable."_

_"Tommy." Cali sat forward, scowling at her brother. "You don't want me to leave, I get it. It's stressful for me too. But moving in with Michael is the next step for our relationship. I know you don't like him, but can't you at least try and understand?"_

_Tommy looked away, jaw set stubbornly. He got like this sometimes, whenever Cali mentioned leaving home. It wasn't like he lived there with her, but his issues with people leaving home and then never coming back again were too prominent. He couldn't let her go._

_He had to let her go._

_Defeated, Tommy sighed, reaching for his glass of raspberry lemonade. "I can't stop you," he said finally, "but I just want you to be sure. You and Michael haven't been together long, and I'm still not sure that I trust him."_

_"You don't need to trust him. You just need to trust me."_

_And well, Tommy really couldn't argue against that, could he?_

_Cali moved in with Malcolm the next month, despite Tommy's misgivings. She settled, and Michael settled, and for a while, there was peace. It was awfully domestic, and Cali loved it so much that she never wanted it to end. This was everything her mother and father should have had. This was everything she'd ever wanted._

_Except that it wasn't._

_Rain tapped elegantly against the window, regal even in its sudden destruction. Cali watched the droplets in a daze, curled up under the blanket in the chair. Michael was supposed to have been home two hours ago, and he still hadn't so much as called._

_Cali stared at the rain and she allowed herself to wonder. About Michael, about herself, about Oliver. About what could have been._

_Had she jumped into this relationship too fast? She'd gotten together with Michael only a month after the Gambit went down, so her emotions had been decidedly unsteady. Maybe she was just looking for comfort in the wrong place. She wasn't ready for a relationship like this. She was still young and craving freedom._

_Her mouth twisted into a grimace. But her and Michael had been together almost eight months now. She couldn't just break it off suddenly. It wasn't fair to him. Michael had invested a lot into their relationship too, and it was selfish of her to take that for granted and then walk away._

_So maybe she could do it. Maybe this was her chance to grow up and be mature and get over Oliver Queen._

_Oliver had been her first great love. Michael could easily be her second if she let herself move on._

_The front door smacked open and Michael cursed as it slammed into the wall. "Cali, honey?" He called. "You home?"_

_Cali smiled and snuggled deeper into her blanket. Yeah, she could love Michael. "Yeah babe, I'm in the living room."_

_She listened to the sounds of Michael taking off his boots and hsi wet jacket, and then waited as his footsteps padded lightly across the floor. A kiss was dropped onto her cheek. "You look cosy," Micahel said lightly, giving her a small hug from behind. "I saw you made me hot chocolate. Thank you."_

_Cali's smile widened. "I made some for me and thought you might like some. You may have to reheat it - I wasn't sure when you were getting home, so it's probably cold."_

_Micahel drew back, settling his hands on her shoulders and gently massaging the muscles. "Sorry honey. The rain made the traffic crazy and my cell phone died. I'll try and call from work next time. I'll make it up to you, yeah?"_

_"You don't have to," Cali said, "I understand."_

_Yes. Yes, she did understand. Michael hadn't left home smelling like a woman's perfume. He hadn't left home with red lipstick under his nails._

_Michael was cheating on her._

_She let it be, because looking too hard at a good thing made it not as good anymore, and she didn't think she could take her glass house crashing down around her. She didn't tell Tommy either, purely out of a sense of self-preservation. She couldn't bear to hear him say 'I told you so.'_

_She had sex with Michael and she kissed him good monring and kissed him goodnight. He took her out for dinners. She stopped using birth control. It was an accident._

_It was all just an accident._

.

Parker didn't say anything when he pulled into the cemetery parking lot. He kept his expression solemn but professional, and didn't offer Cali anything when she found that she couldn't make herself open the car door. Her hand rested on the door handle, fingers clenching and unclenching automatically as she trembled.

She hadn't been back here for months now, too caught up in her job and Tommy and Oliver's return and Laurel. Once upon a time, she'd made time to visit every day. She was terrified of failing, even now.

"I'm ashamed," she confessed to the air. Parker didn't so much as twitch. He knew what this was, what sort of emotional turmoil Cali was struggling with. "What if he doesn't forgive me this time?"

A redundant question. Parker answered anyway. "Best not keep him waiting, Miss Cali."

She forced herself to open the car door, snagging on a sharp breath as the cold air swept into the once-warm space. It was always so cold here, at the cemetery. It never had people standing at graves, and the light never seemed to reach the ground properly. It was an abandoned place for abandoned people, and Cali loathed that she'd had to hide this secret here.

She climbed out of the car, shutting the door gently behind her. Leaves stirred at her feet, whispering across the cracked concrete of the parking lot. The cemetery, aptly named Dolor Cemetery, shared many resemblances with its sister park. Mainly the fact that both of them were left, abandoned, forgotten. Plants grew rampant in both.

The main difference, Cali found as she wandered through the gravestones, was that Dolor Park still managed to hold onto the essence of childhood. The playground didn't feel foreboding or forbidden. Dolor Park was a place for dates and gymnastics and seeing Janet Parker smile and hearing Janet Parker laugh.

Dolor Cemetery was for secrets and lies and shame.

The headstone she was looking for was towards the far edge of the site, sitting alone by itself under a large oak tree. There was no grave, only a shallow hole dug into the ground that had been filled with gravel. It would be easy enough to get down to the plastic folder underneath, but she wouldn't go looking for it.

Instead, she sank to the ground, curling her legs underneath herself. Her leggings dampened instantly with the moisture on the spindly grass, but the sensation felt millions of miles away.

"My little angel," Cali choked out, staring at the headstone. "I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get here."

_Gabriel Merlyn  
Never Born, but Never Forgotten_

Cali put her head down and cried. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cali and Oliver talk. Tommy is enlightened about some things. More of Michael and Cali's relationship is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya!  
> Sorry for the delay in posting, I've been grappling with this story a little bit. As such, I'm going to take a bit of a break from it temporarily. I'm not sure how long it'll be stalled, but I'm hoping it won't be very long.   
> I'm sorry guys
> 
> Leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"what if I don't catch the dreams that I've been out there chasing?  
What if when my fears show up I'm too afraid to face them?"_   
**BEN PLATT - _'So Will I'_**

.

The police station fell quiet when Cali walked in.

It wasn't like she hadn't been expecting it, but her skin prickled uncomfortably as the heels of her boots clicked loudly on the floor. She felt exposed, like they were staring right through her to the ugly thing underneath her skin. Voices whispered about Oliver Queen and secrets and vigilantes. She couldn't manage to keep her shoulders back.

She wasn't even sure what she was supposed to be doing here. Moira had called her, tersely informing her that Oliver was asking for her, and despite everything that had happened, Cali couldn't find it in herself to ignore him. Oliver might not have told them about his being the Hood, but he was still her friend, and he'd spent years alone on an island without anyone to support him.

It was time for her to be the bigger person.

"Miss Merlyn," Detective Lance said from somewhere to her left. His voice was tight with victory, but taut with frustration. Clearly Oliver was making this whole process a challenge. Something like pride bubbled in Cali's chest.

"Quinten." She returned the greeting with an equally thin tone of voice, pushing her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "I heard that I was wanted here."

Lance sneered slightly, even as he jerked his head towards the interrogation room at the back of the precinct. "Mr Vigilante asked for you. Said he needed to tell you something." The stiff set to his shoulders softened slightly. "I figured you could do with some reassurance as well. This whole thing was a bit abrupt, and I know how much you hate not knowing."

Cali didn't bother trying to smile. "Thanks, Quinten," she said, already moving towards the interrogation room. "I appreciate the thought."

Even after nearly two years, Michael still shadowed her through life. She knew exactly what Lance was talking about, knew exactly why he'd allowed her to visit Oliver before the trial, why he wasn't putting up a fight about it. And it was fine, maybe a little endearing, but it also grated on Cali's nerves in a way that it hadn't in quite some time. Too many people were taking steps backwards now that Oliver was alive and present. It was almost as though Starling City expected her to shatter into tiny glass pieces the second Oliver said her name.

It was ridiculous. Cali had mental breakdowns over other things. Like Oliver being the new vigilante.

God, how was she supposed to hide this from Lance? He was clearly dead set on the idea, and despite everything, he was _right_. How could she get in the way of this? She had no doubt that Oliver had some kind of plan, but she wasn't sure she wanted to get involved. She'd always had trouble staying objective.

Walter greeted her outside the interrogation room. If she squinted, Cali could see Oliver through the frosted window, his shoulders hunched but his smile loose and unbothered, as though he wasn't bothered by the fact that Lance had discovered him. It just strengthened Cali's feeling that he had a plan and this was part of it.

"Who's representing him?" Cali asked quietly, rubbing at her forehead. Walter gave her a pained look, mouth tightening. Something in Cali's stomach gave way as she understood what was being implied. "Don't tell me he asked for Laurel."

Walter waved a hand helplessly at Oliver's shadowy figure. "He won't budge on it. He says he wants Laurel or he'll go without. Moira's gone to ask her if she'd be willing. We were hoping you could convince him to change his mind about his... decision."

Cali blew out a soft breath, curling her fingers into a gentle fist and running her knuckles across her mouth. Trust Oliver to never make this easy for anybody. He could've had any attorney in Starling City, could've let the Queen family fortune buy him an entire army of lawyers, but instead, he chose the one woman who couldn't, _wouldn't_ , be able to do this for him.

But if she thought about it, _really_ dug into the prospect, she could see why he'd chosen Laurel. She was fierce, she was good, and she still loved him despite everything that had gone wrong between them. Laurel wouldn't let him go to jail if she thought he was innocent. Which she did. Because only Cali and John knew the truth.

Cali could feel her shoulders slumping under the weight of the secret. John didn't understand this part of _knowing_. He had nobody to tell. His loyalty was to Oliver. The problem was isolated to them and only them.

Cali saw Moira and Walter as her second parents, Thea as her sister. Laurel was one of her best friends. Tommy was her _brother_. Quinten Lance had taken her under his wing when she'd turned everyone else away. And now she had to lie to them, had to hide this massive thing because she knew if she gave Oliver away, everything he'd been fighting to keep a hold of would slip away from him.

He'd come home for this. Cali couldn't rip it all away from him just because she didn't want to be alone.

She nodded at Walter, nibbling at the inside of her bottom lip as she gently eased open the door to the interrogation room and stepped inside. It was dimmer than she expected, and the sudden shadows softened Oliver's edges. For a moment, she could see the Oliver he'd been before, the one he'd been imitating since he got back. He'd been making a few appearances lately, that young Oliver.

"Cali," Oliver said roughly, looking up at her from his chair. He looked tired, she noted. He looked really, really tired. "You came."

He'd thought she wouldn't? Cali managed a thin, reedy smile as she sank into one of the empty chairs opposite him. The table sat between them, as narrow and wide as a canyon. It was oddly fitting, given the distance between them in every other aspect of their lives.

"Despite everything," she said, voice sounding strangely muted to her own ears, "I'm still your friend. I thought the deal was that friends don't just abandon their people."

"I'm your person?"

"You're _one_ of my people. I have a lot of people."

Oliver's smile softened. "You have a lot of people," he repeated in agreement. "I just kind of figured that after you found out, I wouldn't-"

"You wouldn't be one of my people?" Cali shook her head, scoffing slightly. "You will _always_ be one of my people, Ollie. No matter what." She tacked on, almost like an afterthought, "Someone has to keep dragging your ass out of the fire."

Oliver leaned back in his seat, and for a moment they both just sat, pondering. Cali, for one, had never heard such an indirect way of declaring love, platonic or not. It was fitting, though, despite its strangeness. Oliver had always been her person, and he would continue to be one of her people until the day she died.

Except being one of her people meant that she watched out for him, whether he liked it or not. "Why Laurel, Ollie?" She asked, almost a little desperately. "It could've been anybody. Why her?"

Oliver's expression soured slightly, something bittersweet crowding around the blanketed misery in his eyes. He wouldn't tell her the whole truth, she could see it now, but she didn't care. Oliver could keep his truths buried in a box on the island inside him, but she deserved something that was at least _accurate_. If he was logical in his emotions, she would accept it.

He could keep his own secrets. Cali wasn't going to keep them for him.

"Detective Lance hates me," Oliver began, sounding shaky and impossibly young. For the first time since she'd gotten here, Cali could see his false bravado falter. "He blames me for Sara." His voice caught and dropped to a whisper. "I don't blame him."

"Hey _no_ ," Cali said, leaning forward. Oliver glanced away and she scowled. "Look at me, Oliver. I need you to believe me when I say that Sara's death wasn't entirely your fault."

" _Entirely_ ," Oliver mimicked.

Cali sighed. "You're always going to carry the guilt around," she said, "and yes, you're the one who got Sara on the _Gambit_. But that doesn't mean you were responsible for her death. You can't control everything about a person, Ollie. Destiny doesn't allow it."

"Destiny is a load of crap."

"So is this bullshit act of confidence." Cali stared at Oliver for an extended moment, searching for the comprehension she needed. When Oliver simply stared back evenly, the miserable tangle of emotions displayed blatantly on his face refusing to ease, she surrendered. "I know you, Ollie. I know why you picked Laurel. I know why you're enacting some kind of plan, and while I hate to go along with it, I think it's necessary."

Oliver shrugged. "I needed to clear my name before it even came into question."

Cali continued on as if he hadn't interrupted. "So when I ask you why Laurel, it's because I want to see what you tell me. I don't want to be a part of whatever you're doing, but you're one of my people and I will always care about you." Oliver caved and glanced away first, lips downturned. Clearly, she'd touched on a sensitive spot. He seemed to have a lot of those, despite what people believed. She gentled her voice. "Talk to me, Oliver."

But he didn't. Instead, the two of them sat there, Cali waiting and Oliver silent. Whatever had happened in between her words had rendered him mute, voice stolen away by whatever hurt he was feeling. Cali remembered it happening only once, before the _Gambit_ went down.

He'd gotten a girl pregnant, and she'd lost the baby. And sure, maybe Oliver hadn't been ready for the responsibility of fatherhood, but he'd been quiet for a week after he'd heard the news. Tommy hadn't known. Oliver had told Cali what happened on the seventh day, breaking his vow of silence.

He hadn't cried, but his voice had cracked and splintered. He'd made her promise never to speak of it again.

So maybe she'd always been carrying Oliver's secrets, and she'd just never realised until now how much weight that put on her shoulders.

She risked a glance out the frosted window, a bitter pang making her throat close up when she realised that Walter had stuck around. They hadn't the chance to talk about whatever he'd called her for. And now Oliver was arrested, and everyone thought he was innocent except Detective Lance, and everything was spiralling so much faster than it had been last week.

"Just so we're clear," she said, looking away from Walter's slightly blurred figure outside and returning her focus to Oliver. "I'm not a part of any of this. I'm here because I'm your friend, not because I want to join your little gang."

"It's more of a dynamic duo," Oliver said dryly.

"Give it time. Something like this never stays contained."

Oliver rattled the handcuffs when he attempted to throw his hands up. "Christ Cali, what is it you're trying to say? For someone who doesn't want to be a part of this, you're being awfully insistent on talking about it!"

"I don't know what I want, Oliver," Cali snapped back. "Maybe I want the truth from you. Maybe I want people to look me in the eyes and tell me the gods-damned truth."

Oliver jerked back, his misery finally melting away. A seething anger took its place. "You want the truth?" Cali shrank back from the venom in his tone, her own hot emotions faltering under the intensity of Oliver's wrath. "The truth is that I didn't want to come back here, to Starling City. I wanted to leave all of you behind, get out and do my own thing. But I didn't. I came back, and everybody keeps expecting things from me. Isn't it enough that I _came back_?"

So he wasn't on the island the whole time. Tommy had been right. Detective Lance was right. This Oliver was dangerous and a liar. Cali scratched absently at her wrist, her shoulders slumping as everything drained away, out of her bloodstream. None of this should have to do with her. Oliver made his own choices. Cali wasn't his mother. She wasn't supposed to be watching after his every move, making sure he didn't hurt himself.

"You knew what was waiting for you when you came back," she said evenly, readying herself to leave. "You knew that Lance would hate you, that Laurel would love you, that I would need you. You knew all of that, Ollie, so you can't blame anybody but yourself for being here."

"Cali-"

But Cali was already leaving. She was tired, and Oliver was clearly so set in his own plan that she wouldn't be able to change his mind about anything. Walter and Moira had made a mistake calling her in. Oliver didn't need her there. Oliver needed her out of his way.

She hesitated before opening the door, and the pause was long enough that Oliver spoke up one last time. His voice was gruff with the effort of keeping his emotions in check. Cali didn't look at him. "Call me once you've looked at what's on that USB."

Cali left the room without a word.

.

_See, it went like this:_

_Cali hadn't spoken to her brother in months. She hadn't wanted to, had been terrified of him shoving Michael's mistake in her face. Because that was what it had been. Michael had told her after she'd confronted him about it. She knew he loved her._

_"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair, fingers worrying over the bruised spots on her arms. Tomorrow they would be coloured horribly, remnants of Michael's temper. "It wasn't fair of me to lash out, but you were accusing me of not loving you and that's not fair, Lissy. You know I love you."_

_"I though you were going to leave me for her," Cali mumbled miserably, letting herself be cradled. "I'm sorry too."_

_Michael drew back and pressed a gentle kiss against her mouth. "I'll take you out tonight," he promised. "We can go somewhere, anywhere you want. Okay?"_

_Cali's smile wasn't forced. "Okay," she agreed._

_So yes, she and Michael were alright, and she didn't want to jeopardise their tentative truce. Nothing was wrong, but she knew that the outside world wouldn't agree. She knew Tommy was worried, knew that her sudden radio silence was only making him more and more anxious. He'd already had misgivings about Michael._

_So when she swung open the front door and recognised Detective Lance's tentative half-smile, she knew why he was here and who had sent him._

_"Look kid, Laurel just wanted me to check up on you. She said Tommy was worried." Detective Lance gave her a gentle, searching look. "Is everything okay? Between you and your boyfriend?"_

_Cali took a sharp breath, letting anger coat her features to hide the fear. "I don't appreciate your implications," she said sharply. "Michael and I are doing fine. Tell Tommy and Laurel to keep their noses out of my business. If they don't approve, then they can simply not-approve from a distance. Thank you for your visit, was there anything else I can help you with?"_

_Detective Lance sighed. "No, kid. That's all. Just watch out for yourself."_

_"I've been doing that pretty well so far," Cali said, voice cool. "Thank you for stopping by."_

_She shut the door in his face._

_She was grateful that Michael was in the shower, getting ready for their night out, because she didn't want to explain to him that several people were trying to accuse him of abuse. She knew it wasn't true of course, but she had no way of gauging how Michael would react to the news, and she wanted tonight to be easy and relaxed._

_So she kept her mouth shut and her and Michael went out to a little cafe somewhere on the edge of Starling City, by the water. They told jokes and shared stories and everything was almost as perfect as it had been at the very beginning._

_Cali reached the punchline of her joke and Michael laughed, his coffee sloshing slightly. Cali watched him, sipping gently on her milkshake. He was radiant when he laughed. His blue eyes crinkled at the corners, and his mouth stretched into a wondrous smile._

_"I love you," she said without thinking._

_Michael's laughter petered off, and something in his expression tightened in victory. "Yeah," he said. "Same."_

_"It wasn't what she was looking for but she was high on the feeling of watching someone come alive with joy. She never really saw him laugh like that again, but it was almost perfect. Everything was so close to perfect and Cali couldn't bring herself to tear it all down over a few bruises and a mistake._

_They went home, they made love, Michael grabbed her too tightly in the morning. His kisses were a little harder, his roaming hands a little more insistent. Cali endured with a smile, because she'd seen the man she'd fallen in love with last night and she knew that he was there. She could endure this for him. Endure for the man with a butterfly smile and star-bitten eyes._

_A knock from the front. Michael groaned, but didn't move away from the cooking eggs, leaving Cali to go and answer it._

_When she opened the door to Tommy, she grappled with the urge to slam it shut again. She knew what Tommy would say if she told him about Michael's mistake. She knew what he would do if he thought she was being abused or mistreated. She wasn't, but Tommy had always liked to blow things out of proportion._

_She crossed her arms and leaned against the doorway, worrying at the inside of her cheek with her teeth. Tommy stared back at her, equally as silent, and she shook her head. "Hiya Tommy."_

.

Janet, bless her heart, didn't ask questions when Cali sank into the seat at her and Tommy's regular table, lips pursed and hands shaking. Instead, Janet made a milkshake and brought it over without waiting, pressing a chaste kiss to the side of Cali's head before moving on to other tables, leaving the Merlyn girl to stew in her own thoughts.

Cali, for her part, barely even registered what was happening. All she knew was that Oliver was hurting and probably bipolar, and that his volatile behaviour would get him in trouble sooner rather than later. Besides, how could she be sure that any of his emotions were sincere? His disquiet about people's expectations - was he morose or furious?

An unknown Oliver was a dangerous Oliver, and a dangerous Oliver made Cali wonder if it was worth it to stick by his side.

No, that wasn't fair. She'd stuck by his side for so long now, through all the horrors that the media had thrown his way. And Oliver had always been volatile. Nobody punches a pap without some kind of anger issues. And it wasn't Oliver's fault that he'd gone through trauma. People dealt with their experiences differently. Cali knew that.

Fuck, how could she sit here and judge Oliver when she'd done the exact same thing. After Michael, she'd been almost feral. Everybody had stuck by her side then. She owed it to him to stay.

But...

She didn't know. She wasn't sure. There were too many variables, too many options, too many unknowns. Oliver was the new vigilante, she knew that. He had a plan for this, she knew that. He knew what Malcolm was up to, _she knew that_.

She didn't know where she stood with him. She didn't know what parts he was lying about. She didn't know if she meant anything to him anymore or if he was using her to push himself up. She wasn't naive enough to think he needed her - nobody ever really needed her - but she was clever enough to realise that Oliver was floundering. He was drowning. He needed the lifeline, even if he was reluctant to hold on.

"Cali, honey, are you alright?" It was Janet again, her face creased in concern. Her right hand was balancing a tray full of empty, dirty plates. Her apron was smudged with grease and sauce.

She looked radiant.

Cali looked up at her, managing a watery smile before she gave up on the pretence. "I'm just trying to figure out who needs me." It was a stupid thing to say, and Cali winced as soon as she said it, but Janet's face cleared with understanding and she scooped up Cali's empty glass.

Cali hadn't even realised she'd finished the milkshake.

"Well," Janet said warmly, "that's what this place is for. Are you hungry? I can get you some hot chips if you want some."

"With ketchup?" Cali asked hopefully.

Janet laughed a gentle laugh and Cali's blood warmed. "With ketchup," Janet agreed.

.

_For Tommy, it went something like this:_

_His sister wasn't getting better._

_She might've been, once, but something had changed recently, and the longer he looked, the more he could see that Michael had her bound too tightly. This wasn't a simple fix. It would never be a simple fix. Cali was in far too deep, and Tommy loved her far too much. If Michael made her happy, no matter how twisted the situation was, Tommy owed it to his sister to give her the benefit of the doubt._

_Cali blew out a breath. "Hiya Tommy."_

_"Hey bub." Tommy tried to sound upbeat. He failed. "Detective Lance said you wanted me to take my nose out of your business?"_

_Cali flushed and looked away, nails scrabbling at her wrists lightly. Tommy's eyes snagged in the fingerprint-bruises on her forearm. He desperately tried to keep the urge to shout at bay. Yelling wouldn't solve anything. Neither would demands. He had to wait for Cali to come to him._

_"I'm sorry," Cali said. "I just...All of you keep attacking Michael like he's some monster. He isn't. He's the man I love."_

_Of course he was. That was what made this whole thing so difficult. If Cali didn't love him, it would be easier to convince her to leave him. But no, Tommy had to watch his sister love the one thing that would never love her back, not really. "Let me take you out somewhere," he said. "I know I've been a dick, and I want to support you. Come on, we can get a milkshake each and you can tell me about this amazing man."_

_Cali shook her head. "I appreciate your support, Tommy, but I would rather just spend a few days with Michael."_

_"You've spent months with Michael."_

_"You know what I mean."_

_Yes, he did know what she meant._

_"Come on," Tommy pleaded. "I'll shout you lunch at Miko's."_

_Cali let out a long breath through her nose and shifted on her feet, not loosening her grip on the door. Once upon a time, she would've let him into the apartment without hesitation. Now, it was like he needed a special badge or reason before she'd let him take a step over the threshold._

_Finally, she said, "I'd love that, Tommy, but Michael already has plans for today. I don't want him to feel like I'm abandoning him."_

_'It's one lunch,' Tommy wanted to say, but instead he just sighed and nodded, cramming his hands in his pockets so he didn't force his way inside and beat the crap out of his sister's partner. "Alright," he agreed unhappily. "But you can't cancel dinner on Saturday, yeah? It's Laurel's birthday, and she's excited to hang out with you."_

_Cali almost-smiled. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."_

_It wasn't enough, but it was also too much and Tommy had to turn away, promising to text her. When Cali shut the door behind him, he felt the thud of it in his bones and knew that he could do nothing but watch the plane crash and hope that Cali survived the fires._

_She showed up to dinner with too much make-up and a broken smile, but she tried, for Laurel._

.

Tommy didn't know what to do. Laurel had called him mere minutes after Janet had finished up their call, the waitress sounding slightly frazzled and enormously worried. Cali had shown up at Miko's all out of sorts, and while Janet was fine with watching after her, she felt that Tommy might have had some insight into _why_.

Tommy had told her that he _didn't_ , in fact, know why his sister was in the middle of a minor existential crisis.

And then Laurel had called, and suddenly Oliver was in custody and everything made sense.

"Moira said they'd called Cali in to talk to Oliver," she explained. "I think they were hoping she'd change his mind about having me as his representative."

Tommy hummed thoughtfully, trying his best to wriggle into a pair of tight jeans while juggling the phone. "Well, Cali is currently having a minor meltdown at Janet's work, so I'm thinking it didn't go terribly well."

"Walter said he heard raised voices and then Cali was hurrying out of the room without another word. He says Oliver won't talk now, just stares at the wall in brooding silence."

Tommy snorted. "Sounds like Oliver."

Still, it was troubling to hear that something had happened between the two. Tommy wasn't stupid, okay? He knew that despite everyone's misgivings and suspicions, Oliver and Cali had the type of friendship that most people could only dream of. They fought, yes, and they weren't above being petty and immature. But usually their fights didn't result in Cali having a crisis and Oliver refusing to talk to anyone.

And yes, okay, maybe Oliver's trauma had something to do with it, but somehow, Tommy wasn't sure that was the whole truth. A part-truth, definitely, but not the whole truth. Oliver was very good at truths-of-omission. He told tidbits of information that were accurate and then didn't say other things and let everybody fill it in for themselves.

It was a frustrating habit that had developed later in life, once the two of them had finished school and hit the party scene hardcore. Tommy had never quite managed to get a good enough read on Oliver to determine the whole truth without asking. He always needed that extra verbal nudge.

"How can they expect me to help him?" Laurel asked helplessly, and Tommy could hear her breathing shudder. He frowned. It wasn't like Laurel to come undone so easily. She was a strong woman, a good woman, and she was always reluctant to wear her bleeding heart on her sleeve. "He took Sara on that boat, _lied_ to me, and then disappeared for five years and let us think he was dead. I loved him, Tommy. I was ready to spend my life with him. And he _left_."

_'He didn't leave just you'_ , Tommy thought, and immediately shook his head, trying to clear that bitterness away. "Laurel," he said instead. "Stick to the now, not the past. Oliver is our friend. He's being accused of something that he's not guilty of. He's asked for you. He needs help to get out of this."

Laurel huffed, but her voice had stopped shaking by the time she said, "You're unfairly good at this. How are you staying so calm and certain? I'm freaking out."

Tommy barked a laugh. "I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just saying things that sound right."

"You have magic, Tommy Merlyn."

"Oh god, I hope not. I don't want to fuck with any of that destiny crap."

"Aw, I think destiny sending you on an adventure of self-discovery would be kind of cool."

Tommy snorted, shrugging on a thin black jacket. "Knowing my luck, I'd get killed on my journey, and then where would you be?"

Laurel's voice dropped a tone. "Well, if you came home with some sexy scars, I wouldn't complain too much."

Tommy's entire brain just sort of... stopped. He stuttered over his next breath, taken aback by how _forward_ that had been. "Is that your sort of thing?" He managed, trying his best to keep his suave. "Gruff, battle-hardened men with a plethora of sexy scars?"

"You're the one that wants to ignore destiny, Tommy."

"Is it too cheesy to say that _you're_ my destiny?"

Laurel's laugh was startled, as though she hadn't expected to find it funny and had thus surprised herself. "Yes," she said, still on the verge of giggling. "Yeah, Tommy, that was a bit too cheesy."

Tommy grinned despite himself. "Only the best for my girl."

Laurel laughed again, this time sounding warmer and more affectionate. "Get off the phone, you dork," she said lightly. "Go find Cali. I'll talk to you later."

"Goodbye, destiny."

"Goodbye, daring knight."

The line clicked off as the call ended, and Tommy lowered the phone, still grinning like an idiot. He missed Laurel, in a strange way. She'd been distant since Oliver had been back, and Tommy had been craving her pleasant banter. She was relaxing into whatever they had between them, _finally_ , and he could only grin wider at the thought of how far they could go together.

Who knew, maybe destiny would send them on an adventure together.

Tommy eased into the backseat of his ride, nodding at his driver. Unlike Cali, he found that he didn't really have a bond with any of his staff. His drivers changed regularly, depending on Malcolm's mood, so Tommy had made a point not to get too attached. Chances were, he would have a new replacement driver within the month.

Tommy opened up his messages, tapping out one to Cali explaining that he was on his way to her, and that she was welcome to stay the night at his place again if she didn't want to be alone. He pressed send and waited, but a response never came and his elation slipped away, replaced by dread.

Texting Oliver would be useless, given that he was still in custody, so Tommy didn't even bother. Instead, he turned his screen off and pushed his attention to the world beyond the car window. People bustled along the sidewalk, caught up in their own lives and their own problems. Tommy had wanted to be a part of that world once, after Malcolm had left and the Merlyn family had been in the news for nearly two months straight. He and Cali had been hounded by the media, forced to run and hide if they couldn't get to their ride in time.

It was part of the reason why Tommy was so relieved that Oliver had returned. At least the spotlight had been taken off him and Cali. God knew the Michael disaster had garnered enough attention from Starling City residents.

Tommy scrubbed at his face, letting out a slow breath as he tried to make sense of it all. Things were getting so tangled now, and he really didn't have the patience or will to make his fingers gently unravel the threads. He was almost reluctant to get too much more involved in whatever was happening. Starling City had a way of ruining anyone who pushed too hard.

"If I may, sir," his driver said quietly and suddenly from the front. Tommy startled, not expecting the breach of silence. "I realise that it's rare for us, as staff, to forge some kind of bond with our charges, but Parker and Cassidy generally tend to be exceptions to all the rules." A strange, half-smile. Tommy shifted. "Their closeness has... revealed certain things about the nature of Miss Merlyn's relationship with her father."

Tommy straightened in his seat. He'd given up on asking his drivers for any morsel of information about Cali's situation. Everyone had told him that Parker and Cassidy were tight-lipped about the incident, that they wouldn't betray Cali's trust. Tommy had figured out that all of them were just afraid of Malcolm and thus he'd stopped pushing.

"Please," he said, leaning forward. "What do you know? Cali told me that Malcolm grabbed at her, but that was all. If there's more to it, I need to know."

His driver sucked in a deep breath, flicking on the indicator and turning right at the traffic lights. "Miss Merlyn has managed to form unlikely friendships amongst the staff," he said, evidently choosing his words extremely carefully. "It's these friendships that produce this knowledge, understand?"

_This won't hold up in court_ , is what he isn't saying. None of the staff would be willing to testify if Tommy tried to press charges against Malcolm. Their friendship with Cali would not, _could not_ , outweigh their loyalty to and fear of Malcolm Merlyn.

Tommy nodded. "Starling City has the benefit of an unrestricted protector." _The vigilante will be on my side._

His driver returned the nod through the rearview mirror. "Cassidy retrieved Miss Merlyn a few nights ago from Malcolm Merlyn's residence, but not without protest. He has asked me to relay the circumstances upon which he retrieved your sister."

"Make it clear."

"Mr Merlyn had a hold of Miss Merlyn's arm, tight enough to bruise. She was protesting, and visibly upset. Cassidy relayed that he'd waited by the car, having been quietly informed by Parker that Mr Merlyn had tried to arrange the staff so that Miss Merlyn would not have a way to leave the residence."

"He trapped her?"

The driver's mouth tightened and he turned left rather sharply. Tommy bit back the sharp growl in his throat. "Malcolm wasn't going to let her leave," the driver said, voice thin. "Cassidy said there were bruises already forming by the time he got your sister out to the car. She was shaking the whole drive, and that her eyes were unfocused and dilated. He wasn't sure she was aware that she was mumbling under her breath about lemonade syrup."

Tommy understood it in a heartbeat. "Drugs." It would've been scary if it had been novel. As it was, when Cali was younger, she'd gotten sick. Really sick. Sick enough that every doctor had sent her home with too much medicine that made her too tired. He'd seen his sister drugged. It didn't mean that it was _okay_ to drug her.

He'd have to talk to Oliver, to Cassidy. He'd talk to Cali, force her to look at that USB. Because if Malcolm was drugging her, then Tommy would find out, and he would bury Malcolm somewhere he would never be found.

And there was nothing that said Tommy had to bury him dead.

"There is no evidence," his driver said. "But Cassidy wanted you informed of the situation. He knows that his charge is... less likely to share her circumstances."

Tommy clenched his jaw and looked out the window, swallowing thickly. Cali had told him that Malcolm hadn't wanted her to go, that he'd been grabby, but she hadn't told him _this_. Angry words swirled in his chest, pushing against the tight space. They were forced back by sentences of sorrow, of guilt, of grief. He'd failed his sister.

He'd tried his damn best, and he'd still failed.

"Thank you," he murmured, and his driver nodded stiffly. Within seconds, the transparent wall was back up between them, as though nothing had ever brought it down in the first place. Tommy wasn't like Cali. People didn't attach themselves to him, devoted to his protection and safety.

Nobody had come for Tommy during those years after Malcolm had come back. Only Oliver had stuck by his side, and ever then, Oliver had never quite had that gentle touch people usually give abused kids. Cali was rewarded with hugs and soft words and gentle assurances. Tommy was expected to stay strong, because Oliver was flighty, even when he was a child, and if there was one thing he couldn't handle, it was an emotional, afraid Thomas Merlyn.

Tommy heaved a breath as the car coasted to a gentle halt on the side of the road. It was okay. He'd had years to adjust and adapt. Now was not the time for miserable memories. Now was the time for comfort and reassurance, because Cali was crashing again and someone needed to be there to pick up all the shattered pieces.

If he watched carefully, he could see Janet flitting about the tables inside Miko's, holding a tray of empty glasses and full plates. She was smiling, but it was fixed and plastic, evidently strained by worry and concern. The weight to her shoulders lended age to her features, stress lines threatening to break her pretty customer service smile. Every now and then, her attention would flicker away to the booth where Tommy and Cali would usually sit.

Right. So Cali was still there, and she wasn't in a good way.

Tommy opened the car door, barely registering his driver's mumbled "Good luck." He stepped out onto the curb, people shifting instinctively around him, the flow of Starling City refusing to be interrupted by the addition of another small, insignificant human being. People streamed past him without a second glance, and Tommy closed the car door behind him with a thump.

He stood still for another moment, watching Janet. She was definitely pretty - he could see why Cali was so enamoured with her. It was hard to find people like Janet, people who were genuinely nice by nature, who had a light inside them that took far too long to ever go out. People like Janet were forever, even if they were only memories by the time forever decided to come around.

He hesitated too long; Janet glanced up, out the window, and noticed him. Her smile immediately strengthened, genuine relief making her shoulders slump and the empty glasses on her tray tilt dangerously. She'd been waiting for him.

Tommy tried to twitch his lips into an amiable smile, but he could tell it fell flat by the way Janet seemed to deflate and shrink into herself. He let the glass grimace fracture into sharp fragments as he found the strength and will to stride away from the car and walk into Miko's.

Janet met him two steps inside, her lips thin and colourless. "Tommy," she greeted respectfully, bowing her head slightly. "I'm glad you could make it."

"Janet." Tommy returned the greeting, inclining his head. "I take it she's in the usual spot."

Janet's thin and colourless lips got thinner. "Yes. I've gotten her to eat and drink, but she won't talk to me. She won't do anything. She just sits there and stares at nothing."

Tommy exhaled slowly through his nose, trying not to let it sound like a sigh. He never wanted anyone to think it was a burden to look after his sister, but each time something like this happened, it got harder and harder to bear. Because each time, Cali lost something. She just kept losing parts of herself to Michael, to Oliver's ghost, to Malcolm. Each time Tommy came for her, she was a little bit more hollow, a little bit more dead inside.

Tommy had survived his mother's death because it had been quick and unpreventable. He wouldn't survive Cali's slow decay.

"Thanks Janet," he said, already moving for the booth. Each step was harder than the last, but Tommy gritted his teeth and pressed forward. Laurel had promised him a destiny, an adventure. That didn't mean he had to leave Starling City to find it.

True to Janet's word, Cali was sitting in her usual spot with an empty plate and glass in front of her. She looked like death warmed over - skin sallow, face drawn, eyes hollow and unfocused. She was dressed in nice clothes, so clearly she'd had some kind of energy, some kind of _life_ , when she'd visited Oliver.

God knew where that spark was now. Oliver had a habit of swallowing other people's light. Tommy wondered if he should ever introduce his old friend to Janet.

"Hey bub," he greeted easily, sliding into his usual seat. Cali barely even twitched. Tommy took a moment to text Laurel, citing the need for a girl's night with Cali tonight. After all, there were some hurts Tommy couldn't soothe. A brother could only do so much. "Thought I might find you here."

Cali's eyes darted over his face, lingering on his left cheek for a moment before darting away. "Janet called you," she said dully. Tommy tensed. "It's okay," she added. "It's nice of you both to care."

Tommy winced at her deadened tone. "Oliver was that bad?"

Cali barked a dead laugh that raised the hairs on Tommy's arms. It must've been bad, then. He hadn't really seen this side to his sister since they'd buried Gabriel. " _Oliver_ is just fine," Cali said, venomous and bitter. "He's very fond of telling people what to do, did you know that? Yeah, he likes to use his own lack of emotional control to make other people loyal to him."

"Is this about him being the Hood?"

Cali shook her head, apathy bleeding into her features again, fighting against the quick flash of hostility. "He's not the Hood. He's just some traumatised kid who can't figure out where he fits in."

Tommy nibbled at his lip, begging whatever god might be listening to grant everybody he cared about a moment of peace. He couldn't keep going like this, couldn't keep watching everyone he loved get broken down, piece by piece, until they were nothing more than rubble and bad choices and pain.

Once, he might've been able to get through to his sister. Once, he would've been able to dissect Oliver's behaviours and actions and explain away the anger and the self-loathing and the destruction. He found that now, after five years of faux death, Oliver had changed too much for Tommy to even begin to start looking.

Maybe they just had to accept that Oliver wasn't ever coming back. Maybe they just had to move on.

Cali shifted in her seat. "I'm sorry," she sighed, fiddling with the empty milkshake glass. "I know that I scare you when I get like this, but today's confrontation didn't go particularly well."

Tommy didn't even attempt a smile. "I figured."

"It's just...Oliver thinks he knows better. He thinks that his time away means he's better than us, he can do more than us. Somehow, the spoiled rich kid nearly drowned and then got _more entitled_. I love him, Tommy, and he's my friend, but he's also a huge dick and I'm finding it incredibly difficult to give him the benefit of the doubt."

So similar and yet so different to Laurel, Tommy mused. Both of his girls were struggling with the same problems in different ways. Laurel couldn't cope with Oliver changing at all, but Cali had expected some changes and welcomed some changes and Oliver had let her down anyway.

Tommy wasn't sure what _he'd_ been expecting, but it hadn't been this.

Nobody had ever expected this.

"I think Oliver gets into his own messes," he said carefully. "I also think that people have cleaned up after him his whole life. Maybe it's time for him to look after himself for a little while."

Cali looked pained. "But he spent five years looking after himself. I don't want to abandon him because I can't bring myself to accept the man he became in his absence. That's not fair to him. I'm not that kind of person."

May the gods _damn_ Michael. Tommy was under no illusions. Cali was a good person, a selfless person, but she'd known when to stop before. She'd understood the importance of caring for herself first and everyone else second. And then Michael had strolled along, swept her off her feet, and tangled everything up inside her until Cali was so sure she had to burn herself out to keep other people afloat.

Cali was always so worried about other people struggling that she forgot that it was okay for _her_ to fall apart too. She forgot that it wasn't selfish to ask for help, to have support. Tommy gave it to her anyway, but she never asked. She would never _learn_ to ask.

"Come on," Tommy said, surrendering. "Ice-cream is on me."

Cali's smile was dusty and drenched in cobwebs, but it was a start. She said, "Only if you don't get that strawberry-mint monstrosity."

"Shut your mouth. You wouldn't know good taste if it slapped you."

"Obviously I know better than you."

And if Cali stopped to drop a kiss on Janet's mouth before they left, and Janet sent Tommy a look of wonder and appreciation, Tommy chose not to dwell on it. It was his job, after all, to look after his little sister.

.

_See, it went like this:_

_Michael was nice sometimes. He brought her presents and surprised her with kisses. On one memorable occasion, he'd bought her a kitten. It was a scrap of a thing, smeared with oranges and whites and blacks and browns._

_"It's a calico cat," Michael explained when Cali had asked. "I know your father has disappointed you a lot throughout your life, but that nickname is proof that he did love you. I wanted to remind you of the happier times."_

_Cali held the kitten up to her face, letting it sniff at her nose. "Thank you," she breathed. "Oh Michael, thank you so much. I love him."_

_Michael let her name it, and didn't laugh when Jasper started sleeping by Cali's feet on their bed. He didn't force Jasper away when Cali's pregnant belly started showing, slowly starting to bulge with life, and Jasper decided then and there that he would be Cali's protector, small and feeble as he was. Michael let Jasper gently rest his head on Cali's stomach, and Michael didn't force the small cat away when Cali's contractions started too early, in their bed, and they lost the baby because Cali's body had suffered too much trauma over time and couldn't bear the extra strain._

_Michael didn't protest when Jasper was the only thing that Cali would touch._

_Michael was nice, sometimes._


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver doesn't get sent to jail for being the Vigilante. Malcolm can't seem to let his children live in peace. Tommy has some revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eek! This story is stalling, I'm sorry! Enjoy this chapter, and hopefully I can get the momentum up again soon!
> 
> Leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death"_  
**PINK FLOYD - _'Time'_**

.

The day of the court case dawned without much fanfare, and Cali tried her very best to act as though she wasn't tearing apart at the seams as she sat in between Tommy and Thea. Oliver was in front of them, sitting alone at the defendant's table. He looked strangely small, as though he couldn't quite fill the space of the courtroom. This was a place where he was without power. The Hood was nobody here. It was just Oliver against the whole damn city.

Especially considering that Laurel hadn't shown. Despite it being a horrific idea to have Oliver's ex as his representative, Cali had figured that Laurel would be the bigger person. After all, to everyone except Diggle and her, Oliver Queen was innocent. Laurel never let innocent men go to jail if she could help it.

"Where's your attorney, Mr Queen?" The judge asked, brow furrowing.

Oliver stood up, running his palms over his tie in an old habit. He'd started that particular thing in high school, running his palm over his tie before escorting Stacey Morgan into the dance hall. That's been Junior Prom, and the habit had carried over into his later years.

Cali shook herself. Focus on Oliver.

Oliver said, "I'm representing myself, judge." He sounded steady, but Cali watched his jaw clench. Evidently, his plan had relied on Laurel showing up.

"I'm not sure that's the wisest course, Mr Queen."

"I think it is," Oliver countered. "I'm innocent."

The judge took a breath and then nodded, despite her obvious misgivings. "Then we'll consider that your plea."

"Thank you." Oliver sat down again, and only someone who was watching as closely as Cali was would have noticed the slight tremor that started at his lower back and raced up his spine. He was shaking, but only slightly. Was he afraid? Or was this just the next step in his master plan?

See, this was why Cali was loathed to be one of the ones who knew. Plausible deniability would have rendered that small shiver genuine, and her heart would have gone out to him, but ever since their failed conversation in the police station, Cali couldn't manage to fight off her suspicion. How could she trust anything that Oliver said or did, knowing that he was comfortable lying to everybody to get what he wanted?

Cali didn't pay much attention to the discussion of bail. She knew what they were going to say. The Queen family was too rich, too influential. They had too many luxury items; anything the city could take away could be replaced. Everything except Oliver.

"So then I guess it's a good thing that the people's case is so circumstantial." Laurel's voice was purely business, and Cali was impressed at her friend's restraint. Lord knew it had to be difficult for Laurel to walk down the aisle of the courtroom, ready to defend the man who'd broken her heart and taken her sister away. "Dinah Laurel Lance, your honour. I'd like to file my appearance on behalf of the defendant."

"I didn't think she'd show," Tommy confessed in a whisper, and when Cali looked up at him, his eyes were fixed solely on Laurel's face. There was awe in that look, but it was shadowed by a deep-rooted suspicion.

Cali inhaled but didn't say anything. She had nothing to say anyway. Laurel's heart had always belonged to Oliver. Tommy would never get all the way in.

Cali knew it. Tommy knew it. Laurel knew it.

Denial was just one hell of a drug.

"Mr Queen's wealth should not deprive him of the right to be released on bail while under the presumption of innocence," Laurel continued.

One of the prosecuters stood up, her blonde hair yanked back into a neat up-do. Her pantsuit wasn't the right cut for her figure, Cali noted absently. "He is a flight risk," the woman objected.

Laurel raised a dismissive eyebrow. "Then minimise the risk." She returned her attention to the judge, shoulders drawn back and chin raised. "The defendant is willing to submit to home confinement and electronic monitoring through the wearing of a UKG45 administrated ankle device."

Cali bit her tongue to stifle her sharp cackle of victorious amusement. She fucking _loved_ Laurel. Already, she could see Oliver starting to protest, even as the judge approved the motion, setting his bail at 15-million-dollars with a 5-million-dollar bond. Most of the crowds started to flow out of the room, but Laurel remained, turning to find Cali in the crowd. Her ruby lips were pulled up into a smug smile, but it softened when she finally settled her gaze on both Cali and Tommy.

Cali gave her a small wave, her own smile withering when she noticed Oliver watching the interaction with a scowl. For someone who preached control over himself and his life, he certainly seemed to struggle keeping his jealousy and misery to himself. Or maybe it was just Cali and her uncanny ability to see through all of Oliver's bullshit.

It was always his eyes that gave him away.

Cali could see it all so clearly right now, in this stark moment of visibility and clarity. He _was_ miserable, and he _was_ jealous, but there was a swath of grim understanding there. Oliver knew he'd been gone for too long. He'd missed the window. Laurel had tried to move on, and Tommy had tried to make her choose _him_.

The problem was, Oliver would just smash a new window. He'd shoulder his way in, because he claimed to be selfless, claimed to want only the best for his family and friends, but the truth was that Oliver wanted things for himself, and he never seemed to have any problem going after them. It was a leftover thing from his years before the boat sinking, but whatever had happened to him during the five years away had sharpened that juvenile greediness into a writhing mass of selfishness.

Tommy jostled her, and the connection broke. Cali blinked, snapping back to her body with a painful jolt. She was still staring, and Oliver was staring back, and she knew that they'd both just sized each other up. She might've gotten a read on Oliver, but there was no way Oliver hadn't gotten a read on her too.

"Hey." Tommy absently brushed her hair out of her face, gently chucking her under the chin as he drew her attention back to himself. "You alright? You went to the sky."

"Sorry," Cali puffed, grabbing his arm and leading him towards the exit. "I was just thinking about this whole thing."

Tommy hummed. "It's all a bit of a mess, isn't it?"

Cali risked a glance over her shoulder, only to see Oliver and Laurel deep in conversation. Oliver was grinning his shark-like grin, but Laurel's face was scathing and disgusted. What a power couple they would make. How gloriously they would burn each other up until both of them were shells.

Cali let out a slow breath and swept out the door with Tommy on her arm. While it was true that misery made good company, she owed it to Tommy to keep herself under control. Nobody liked a weak, weepy woman. Tommy would need to lean on her soon, once the supernova that was Oliver Queen and Laurel Lance exploded and took them all out. Cali knew it would happen. Tommy had to know it too, deep down. Laurel wouldn't be his forever, not wholly.

Tommy had always been okay with sharing things with Oliver, but this was something else. This was _Laurel_.

"Are you going into work tomorrow?" Tommy asked smoothly, taking the lead and directing them both towards the back of the building.

Cali recognised the route, already managing to spot the back door that would lead them out onto the street, directly across from the old secondhand bookstore that was still in business purely because Cali overpaid the old woman every time she bought something. "I hope to. I've already taken too much time off. You know, after a certain someone called in sick for me last week." They reached the exit point.

Tommy huffed a quiet laugh, pushing open the door. "You know as well as I do that you needed that break."

"There's this thing called responsibility. It comes with great power."

"Don't quote Spider-Man at me, young Padawan. Elder knowledge I possess."

"Star Wars? Come on, bro, if you're going to go nerdy, at least go Star Trek nerdy."

"Star Trek over Star Wars? I can't believe we're related."

"Live long and prosper, except don't."

"Wow, that's cold."

Cali spun away from her brother, casting a quick glance at the street to confirm that it was clear of cars before darting across to the other side, cackling as Tommy gave chase. For a moment, just a fleeting breath, all was right with the world; Cali's feet pounded against the ground and her hair was lifted by the wind and she could hear Tommy's jubilant laughter behind her.

She remembered a moment like this from years ago. Her and Tommy chasing each other, little legs stumbling over each other. She remembered tripping and falling, and soft hands helping her up and holding her close. Rebecca Merlyn had cooed over her for hours, and kissed away the pain. Tommy had cuddled close to both of them, and they'd watched a movie for the rest of the afternoon.

Rebecca was dead now, killed by Starling City.

Tommy still cuddled her sometimes.

Slowly, Cali eased up her running, letting Tommy catch up to her. He didn't hesitate before looping an arm around her waist from behind and swinging her around into a tight hug, crowing in victory as Cali desperately tried to wiggle out of his grip, her protests lost among the puffs of laughter that kept erupting from her throat.

"Admit Star Wars is better!" Tommy cried, still hugging her.

Cali pushed at his chest, trying in vain to push him away and make her escape. "Never! Star Trek always, bitch."

"I can't believe you'd betray me like this."

Cali gave up her struggling, submitting to Tommy's Hug of Death. He smelled nice, at least, and his suit was well-worn and soft against her face as she let her cheek drop onto his shoulder. "I will confess that Star Wars isn't _terrible_."

Tommy took that for the peace offering it was, and let her go after an extra moment of hugging. He watched Cali straighten her clothes, head tilted thoughtfully. "Alright, _maybe_ I can see the appeal of Shatner's... acting, and Chris Pine was looking _damn fine_ in the movie remakes."

"If we're basing it on physical appeal, Star Wars wins by a long shot, bro," Cali said instantly. "Have you _seen_ Leia? And Padme in the prequels? And Obi-Wan and Anakin? Actually, a lot of characters in the prequels were drool-worthy. My bisexual ass would literally be down to feast on _any_ of those scrumptious desserts."

"Not Luke?"

"Luke was cute in a twink way. Is this a challenge?"

Tommy sighed and shook his head fondly, slinging an arm around her shoulders and walking towards the bookstore. "How is it that we always end up here? Thirsting over fictional characters?"

Cali grinned up at him. "Because there are some mighty-fine looking people in the world, and I have a weakness for women who could probably step on me."

Tommy shook his head and ushered her inside the bookstore, squeezing her shoulder once before letting her loose amongst the shelves. Cali was off like a shot, running her hands along the spine of each book as she investigated each section. Tommy took his time in following her, pulling his phone out of his pocket to check the message he'd gotten the minute he and Cali had stepped out of the courtroom.

It was from Malcolm, and Tommy's good mood dissolved, lips curling away from his teeth in a sneer.

_'It has come to my understanding that you and Calissa have been misled about my actions. I would like to meet with you both and discuss it. The mansion. 9pm tomorrow night.'_

Tommy checked his watch. Oliver should be on his way home, and if Tommy knew the man his friend was pretending to be, there would be a party thrown in honour of his arrest. Which gave Tommy the perfect excuse to text back, _'Unfortunately, Cali and I will be busy tomorrow night. Even if we weren't, there's no way I'm taking her back to the mansion after last time. If we were to meet, it would be on neutral ground.'_

He pressed send before realising that it sounded like he was still interested in meeting. He wasn't, he wanted nothing to do with Malcolm, and he would rather die before letting Cali anywhere near the man, but the damage had already been done. Malcolm responded almost instantly, and Tommy felt his stomach drop as he read the text.

_'Acceptable. I'll make a reservation at King Street for 9pm tonight, provided you aren't busy. I expect you both to be there. Bring the USB.'_

Tommy didn't bother responding, instead pulling up Oliver's contact and tapping out a harried message. _'You obviously aren't the hooded vigilante, but do you know how to get in touch with him?'_

Instantly, his phone trilled with an incoming call. Tommy grimaced, scanning the store for Cali. She was scanning the teen fiction section, happily building up a pile of books. She wouldn't hear him. Still, Tommy nodded at Madge, the old lady at the counter, before slipping outside and pressing the green answer button.

"That wasn't an invitation for a call, Ollie," he said dryly into his phone.

"I'm bored," said Oliver in response. "House arrest is dull and horrible and I'm never going to go through this again."

Tommy frowned down at his shoes. "You're home already?"

"I got a police escort, so I didn't have to wait on traffic. Apparently, when you're suspected of vigilantism, they want to make sure you don't run off."

"Right."

There was silence between them for a moment, broken only by the background sounds of Oliver's home - people bustling about, muffled conversations, cutlery clinking against plates. Oliver had the TV on - Tommy could hear a slightly muted report playing in the background about the increase of homeless animals near the Glades. Apparently, the Starling City Rescue Association was looking for people to adopt some of those animals.

Oliver shifted. "So why are you asking about the vigilante?"

Tommy bit his lip and kicked at the ground, risking a glance into the bookstore just to make sure that Cali was still distracted and hadn't noticed his absence. She hadn't. He breathed out. "I was gonna ask him to kill my father. I know he likes to go after scumbags."

Oliver's breath whooshed out of him in one go, and Tommy startled away from the phone at the sudden noise. The line crackled for a moment before settling; Oliver's breathing had changed pace. "What?" Oliver managed, sounding strangled.

And, sure, okay, maybe this was a little out of the ballpark for Tommy, but what could he say? Cali came first, she always had and she always will, and Malcolm had been abusing her. Malcolm had been _drugging_ her. Tommy needed to protect her, and this was the only way he knew how. Malcolm wouldn't stop unless he was dead. So as loathed as Tommy was to entertain the idea, he had to admit it would solve a lot of their problems.

"Look, he's already a dead man walking, I just wanted the vigilante to speed things along."

"I thought you didn't condone murder?"

Tommy's grip on the phone tightened. The tips of his fingers ached. "I want him _gone_ ," he said, voice splintering. He wasn't at risk of crying, but he was tired and he was angry and he wanted a dad that wasn't a monster. "I just want him to go away and never bother us again."

"Tommy." Oliver gentled his voice, and Tommy gritted his teeth against the softness. He wasn't a scared child or a wounded animal. He didn't need to be _soothed_. "Did something trigger this? What happened?"

Tommy kicked at the ground harshly, rubbing his free hand through his hair as he took several steadying breaths. The problem was that he couldn't just tell Oliver what was going on. He wasn't sure what Cali wanted people to know, and without knowing what was on that USB, Tommy only had what his driver had told him and his own gut feeling.

Besides, Oliver should already have an inkling as to what was going on. He'd been the one to text Tommy about the supposed bruise on Cali's arm after the shooting at the auction. Tommy knew his friend - Oliver wasn't stupid enough to miss putting the pieces together.

So how much further to elaborate?

"Tommy?" Oliver's voice had gotten some of the steel back into it, the low and open tone locked away once more. Tommy wasn't sure if that helped or made things worse.

He scrubbed at his face. "Malcolm wants to meet with me and Cali tomorrow night," he explained finally. "But I don't want him near Cali. That bruise you saw? It came from him, and I..." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I think he's drugging her."

Oliver was quiet for a moment, the background noises only amplified by his lack of speaking. If Tommy strained himself, he could hear Moira talking. It was anybody's guess who she was talking to. It could be Thea, or Walter, or a random police officer who was stationed there to make sure Oliver wasn't a flight risk.

There was a knock to his left and Tommy whipped his head around, meeting Cali's concerned eyes with a wince. She was pressed against the inside of the glass, watching his phone with a frown. Tommy tried for a smile, holding up one window. _'Just give me a minute,'_ he mouthed, and Cali nodded, albeit reluctantly, turning away with one last disapproving twitch of her mouth.

Something gave a twinge in Tommy's chest.

"Alright," Oliver said finally. He sounded tired, as though the stress of pretending was getting to him. Tommy wasn't an idiot. He knew that the Oliver they all saw wasn't the Oliver that came back. It was just that Tommy knew about trauma, and what it did to people, what it had done to Cali. He knew about coping strategies and pretending and nightmares and PTSD.

"Don't worry," he sighed into the phone. Oliver made a small noise of protest. "No, seriously. I'm just... I'm just being paranoid. Malcolm's fine; me and Cali will be fine." Tommy busted out a bitter laugh, wincing at the sour taste on his tongue. "I'm stressing over nothing."

Oliver sounded strained when he said, "It's not nothing to be afraid of family, Tommy."

"Oliver, it's okay. I'm sorry for bothering you."

_"Tommy."_

"Thanks, Oliver. We'll be over later this afternoon. I think Cali wants to catch you up on the movies you missed while you were away."

"Tommy, listen-"

"Bye Ollie."

Tommy hung up before Oliver could protest further. The phone stayed glued to his palm for a moment, warm and heavy. He could call Oliver back. He could call Laurel. He could even call his father and finally say everything he'd ever wanted to since his mother died.

Tommy put the phone in his pocket, turned on his heel, and entered the bookstore for a second time.

Cali was waiting for him at the front counter, making idle talk with Madge. Both women were tense, stress so deeply engraved upon their bodies that it was likely they would never fully let it go, but Cali made the effort to relax when Tommy brushed a careful hand over her shoulders and settled in the space beside her.

"Madge," he greeted properly. "How are you today?"

Madge smiled her gummy smile. "Better now my two favourite customers are here."

Tommy felt himself soften, the bitterness he'd been holding close to his chest dissolving into a familiar ease. "Come now," he said scoldingly. "We both know that Cali is the customer. I'm just here to look pretty."

"And indeed, pretty you are," Madge agreed.

Cali gently tapped her fingers on the stack of books on the counter in a stuttering rhythm, looking for all the world like she wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words to do so. It was a look Tommy was familiar with, so he bid Madge good day, gathered Cali's new acquisitions and guided her outside.

They walked in silence for a while after Cali had declined the offer to call for Parker to drive them back to the Queen mansion. Tommy figured that would come later, once his sister finally said what was bothering her. He couldn't help until she opened up. He always hated not helping.

They passed down many, many streets before Cali finally sighed and asked, "When are we meeting with Malcolm?"

And well, shit.

Damn his sister to Hell and back for being so perceptive and attuned to Tommy's emotional reactions to things. It made everything infinitely harder when she knew what was going on even without _knowing_ what was going on.

Still, Tommy didn't have to surrender yet. "Huh?" He tried, hoping that playing dumb would get her off his back.

Cali gave him a flat look, lips pursed. "You get a certain look on your face when you're dealing with Malcolm. Is that who you were talking to?"

Double damn. Having a tell made everything so much worse. Tommy already knew he was crap at keeping secrets, just like he was terrible at bluffing, but there was something deeply unsettling about the knowledge that he could be so blatantly transparent. He should be a _little_ better than that at least.

"Malcolm texted, yes, but I was talking to Oliver on the phone. I was hoping he could put me in touch with the vigilante, you know, so I could arrange for Malcolm to have an 'accident'." Tommy watched his attempt at humour fall flat. Cali's expression pinched and twisted strangely. "I think I just needed to hear Oliver so I knew I wasn't crazy for wanting... that."

Cali's expression didn't untwist, but she nudged him with her hip. "It's not crazy to want to put down a psychopath," she said nonchalantly, as though it wasn't a strange thing to call her own father a psychopath, as though it _wasn't strange to want to put him down_. Tommy shifted the books in his arms uncomfortably.

Logically, he knew that Malcolm wasn't a good man. He wasn't. He'd said and done horrible things, was keeping Cali on a short leash just so he could drug her and abuse her. But he was their _father_ and there was something in Tommy that screamed protests at the thought of hating the man.

There was still part of Tommy that loved him.

He didn't know how to kill that part of him.

Sensing his internal struggle, Cali kept quiet and pulled out her phone, likely summoning a ride. They just had to make it back to her place, and then they could regroup for their visit to Oliver's place later this afternoon.

.

Oliver didn't know what to do.

Well, he knew what he was _going_ to do, he'd already told Tommy about his plans for a party. Surprisingly, Tommy hadn't quite been on board with that idea, but Oliver knew that he had friendship privileges, so Tommy surrendered after a number of innuendos and plenty of 'innocent' pleading.

Cali hadn't been in the room when this had gone down of course. For some reason, she'd run off to find Thea before Oliver could even say hello.

So he didn't know what to do. He was sitting on the couch next to his best friend, his best friend who had a dick dad, and he didn't know what to _do_. He had plenty of plans for the future, John was on his way over right now, but when it came to Tommy and emotions and _now_ , Oliver was adrift on a restless sea.

"Talk to me," he said quietly, giving up on any sort of plan and simply going with instinct. He'd been able to do this once, five years ago, so maybe he just had to let habit take over. "Tommy, you can't just tell me you want someone to murder your father and then laugh it off."

Tommy looked down at his hands, something like bitter bemusement pulling at his mouth. "Oliver, I'm finding that I can do a lot of things neither of us thought me capable of."

_"Tommy."_

It was scary, almost, the way that Tommy was shutting down on himself. Oliver remembered his friend, and while Tommy could be secretive, he wasn't the type to block everyone out so easily. Maybe the strength of his feelings towards his father had rattled him. Oliver hoped they had, because he had to admit that Tommy had shaken him too. It wasn't often that Malcolm angered his son so much that Tommy wanted him dead.

Tommy sighed and tucked his hands under his legs. "I can't make myself hate him completely," he confessed in a rush, voice just barely shaking.

Oliver didn't move, didn't change the tone of his voice. Any stupid mistakes now and Tommy would choose flee instead of fight and any hope of ever finishing this conversation would be gone. "Okay. Why is that a bad thing?"

"Because he's a horrible person! What kind of father drugs his daughter?"

_The same kind of father that injected her with a prototype serum_ , Oliver thought, but he didn't dare say it out loud. Not yet. Tommy wasn't ready. "Did you get this from the USB?"

Probably not the best way to direct the conversation, Oliver realised as Tommy tensed up, watching Oliver carefully from the corner of his eyes. "I didn't tell you about the USB," Tommy murmured, suspicion bright in his words.

Oliver raised his hands. "Cali did."

Not enough to eradicate the suspicion completely, but enough that Tommy didn't try to run or attack. Instead, some of the stiffness to his muscles eased. Oliver relaxed in response. They'd always had that give and take, only ever responding to each other. Never jarring, never clashing. In sync, and in tune with each other in a way that could only ever come about through brotherhood.

Tommy breathed out slowly. "Have you ever thought about how messed up our lives are?"

Oliver grappled with his laugh, desperately trying to swallow back the razor sharp edge of hysterical bitterness to it that would give away far too much. Because Tommy didn't know the half of it, and Oliver couldn't tell him because Tommy wouldn't _understand_.

Nobody would understand.

(At one point, he'd hoped that Cali would, but that hope had dissolved the minute Cali had actually found out.)

"We just have to take it one day at a time," he said, shifting on the couch and sighing. Tommy mimicked the sigh, but didn't say anything else. Oliver winced. "When's the dinner."

Tommy's eyes dimmed. "Tonight. It's at King's Street at 9, so I figured Cali and I would just leave from here. We might come back here if it goes too horribly."

Oliver's first instinct was to tell Tommy not to go, but with his best friend's emotional state so unsteady, Oliver wasn't sure Tommy wouldn't fall apart. And Oliver would be the damned Hood and watch over them if he could, but his plan required him to stay home, to stay on house arrest, and John was already going to be doing something else.

So Oliver just said, "I'd offer to come with you, but..."

Tommy's lips quirked in a strange, bitter, half-smile. "Yeah Ollie," he said thickly. "I know you would."

And really, what more could either of them say?


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coral Green is a horrible colour, as agreed by Cali and Thea. Oliver gets everything that Tommy wants. Malcolm comes clean at the cost of something else that's far more important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter wavers between really good and really bad. The ending, I feel, could have been written so much better, but I've got so many exams on at the moment that I just don't have the time or energy, so I'm just going to give it to you guys and hope for the best.  
> Also, I hope this chapter explains some stuff. Especially about Malcolm and Cali.  
> Any questions, just let me know. Thank you all for being so patient for this story. I really appreciate it.
> 
> As always, leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"When you're dreaming with a broken heart  
The waking up is the hardest part"_  
**JOHN MAYER - _'Dreaming with A Broken Heart'_**

.

Thea had painted Cali's nails a horrible coral green colour, and done her eyeshadow to match.

"I literally look like Ariel on crack," Cali said with a scowl. "I thought you were good at colour matching?"

Thea tilted her head and frowned pensively, brushing a finger over her bottom lip. "It does look rather bad," she agreed thoughtfully. "Damn. I thought I'd made the right call. Guess we'll have to try again."

Cali sighed as Thea dug around her makeup table for makeup wipes and nail polish remover. "We know the darker colours go well with my skin tone," she said. "You're distracted."

Thea didn't look at her. "Am not."

"Are too. What's up?"

Thea rubbed a makeup wipe over Cali's cheek a little too roughly. "Nothing."

Okay, see, Cali knew that was a load of bullshit, but she also knew that Thea had a habit of not talking about things that were bothering her. It wasn't the best habit to have, but Cali couldn't exactly call her out on it without being a hypocrite. God knew that everybody in the Queen family and Merlyn family all had some kind of trust issues.

Usually, she'd push Thea a little, just enough to get the Queen girl to open up about what was bothering her. Thea would crack, the truth would come out, and Cali would help her work through it.

Today, though, Cali just couldn't be bothered to push. Thea would break or she wouldn't. Cali couldn't find it in herself to care.

"It's only my dad," she said dully as Thea wiped off the horrid polish. "We really don't have to try this hard."

Thea's scrubbing got a little harsher, the polish smearing a little bit more than it needed to. "Family is fucked," she agreed, "but I want you to look pretty and feel pretty, okay? Just let me get this fucking nail polish off and I can try again."

Cali's frown deepened as Thea's attempts to remove the nail polish got even more shaky. "Hey," Cali said softly, reaching with her other hand to grip Thea's wrist gently. "Hey, Critter, talk to me. What's wrong?"

Thea sniffled. "I can't get the stupid polish off."

"It's only nail polish, honey, you don't need-"

"I should be able to fix it!" Thea shouted, rocking back and away from Cali, who was forced to let go of the girl's wrist. "It's just polish!"

Sign number infinity that something was wrong. Cali gently reached over and plucked the cotton pad out of Thea's trembling hands and set it aside. "This is about so much more than nail polish," she murmured, and Thea's little hiccups turned into tiny sobs. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," Thea croaked miserably. "It's never going to be okay again."

And then her tiny sobs turned into proper cries.

Seeing Thea cry was a surreal experience that Cali was never going to get used to. It hadn't happened very often over the last few years. There'd been a few times, when both girls had felt Oliver's absence a little too keenly, and when Michael had said too much and done too little.

Seeing Thea cry and not knowing _why_ was going to strip away whatever splinter of spirit Cali had left.

Gently, she pulled the younger girl back towards her, cooing and shushing as Thea dove in for a hug. "Hey," Cali whispered. "I got you." It wasn't much to offer, but she didn't have anything else. She was too broken herself, too run down and tired to give anymore of herself to this ghost of a family. The Queens would kill her eventually - would smother her and take from her until there was nothing left of her to take.

A horrible, twisted, wounded part of her wondered if this was how Tommy felt. If their relationship, their family, was equally as toxic and co-dependant and needy.

(It was. )

Cali held Thea a little tighter.

"He's going to go away again," Thea sobbed into Cali's neck. She sounded so heart-breakingly young that for a moment, Cali was terrified that they'd somehow gone back in time and were talking about Oliver getting on the _Gambit_.

But no. Time had dragged them past that. They were here, and now, and Thea was just a young girl whose brother had no regard for the precious balance between life and death, love and hate, staying and going.

Cali ran her fingers through Thea's tangled hair, smoothing away some of the knots. "Oliver is complicated," she said quietly, "but he loves you, Thea. He won't do anything that might take him away from you."

Oh, but he would. He was. He did.

Thea sniffled. "They're going to send him to jail."

"No." Cali smiled bitterly. "Have faith in your brother. I'm sure he has a plan for proving his innocence. Detective Lance won't take him away from you again."

Oh how disgusting she felt, covering for a guilty man. She wanted to go and find Oliver right now and force him to take a look at the distraught mess he'd made his sister into. Because Thea didn't deserve it, and Cali didn't deserve it, and she wasn't sure John deserved it either. Moira and Walter certainly didn't deserve it.

Oliver was hurting so many people by refusing to relinquish his grip on his trauma and his stoic beliefs. Usually, Cali would commend him for it. Now, she just wanted him to bear witness to the heartache he was causing everybody he was trying to protect.

Thea drew back, out of the hug, and scrubbed at her face. "Okay," she exhaled. "Let's get you ready for dinner with your dad."

Cali's angry smile softened into something fonder. "You've smeared nail polish on your cheek."

Thea cursed and rubbed a palm along her cheekbone - effectively, she only spread more of the polish everywhere, until her cheek was a messy patchwork of coral green. "Gone?"

Cali shook her head. "Coral green really isn't your colour either."

Thea's response was to smack Cali's leg, There was a green hand print left of the skin. Thea laughed as Cali scowled. "Alright," Thea said, grabbing a makeup wipe and using it to clean the nail polish of her face and Cali's leg. "Let's try purple."

.

Malcolm Merlyn was a man of many, many masks.

He wore most of them with pride, satisfied with his cunning. Others he wore reluctantly, the skin of his face sticking to the tar-like lies as his smiles turned into weapons, his teeth bared at the world like he was some kind of wild animal, ready to slaughter everyone.

Malcolm Merlyn was a man, but sometimes he was a monster too.

Tonight, he was merely a man. His words weren't sharpened, and his actions weren't attacks. He was going to lock away those dangerous impulses and he was going to put on the rarest mask of all.

Tonight, he was going to be a father, and he was going to tell his children the truth.

Not about the Undertaking - he'd have to be a fool to reveal that so soon - but he couldn't keep hiding what was on that USB. Cali deserved to know, and Malcolm couldn't keep hiding it from her. Especially with the serum waking up. If Cali wasn't aware of what was building inside her, she'd turn into a bomb, and then Malcolm wouldn't need the Undertaking to level Starling City. Cali would do it for him.

Malcolm would tell her the truth, and he would do it as her father.

If that wasn't enough, then he could give up trying.

It was almost a relief.

Malcolm shook himself. Regardless. Tonight was the night where everything changed. He didn't try to make predictions, or map a plan of assumed and expected outcomes. His children always had a habit of surprising him with their actions and reactions, and so it was redundant.

He dressed slowly, making careful choices with his clothes in an attempt to coax his fatherly side to the surface. No need to look like Malcolm Merlyn, CEO. He just had to look like Dad. So he dressed in one of his more basic suits and didn't wear his new shoes he'd bought last week. He wore the Hello Kitty watch that Cali had given him the year before Rebecca had died. He chose the one purple tie that he owned.

"Lyle!" He called out, straightening his outfit one last time before turning away from the mirror. His weathered butler, present as ever, bowed at the doorway. "Make sure the car is ready. I just need to grab a file, and then I'll be departing."

Lyle's murmured, "Of course, sir," disappeared into the air as Malcolm hurried into his adjoined study room.

He'd prepared a folder for tonight in anticipation. A file with all the records, even the ones that hadn't been on the system when the Hood had broken in and copied it. Folders with his handwritten notes, with thoughts from their doctor, with Rebecca's own observations.

Documents that detailed the process he'd followed to craft the perfect formula.

Malcolm hesitated before picking it up, feeling the weight and heft of it drag his shoulders down slightly. He was tired of hiding things, especially when it concerned the safety of his daughter, but he'd lost faith in his experimental, _temporary_ , antidote. He didn't want to inject Cali with something that might kill her.

He found that he didn't want to make Moira do it either.

So. He had to follow through now. He had to tell Cali, and he had to offer her the suppressant, and she had to choose.

He didn't know what he'd do if she refused it.

Swallowing his regrets, Malcolm exited the study and hurried downstairs, where Lyle was waiting with his coat. "The surveillance you ordered on Mr Queen is in place," Lyle said mildly as he helped Malcolm into his coat. "Additional monitoring has been implemented at Miss Merlyn's residence as well."

Malcolm's lips pinched. "And my son?"

"Thomas's driver has been instructed to keep an eye on him, as requested." Lyle paused. "I have some...misgivings about such an endeavour. Benjamin seems fond of the boy."

Crap. Not what Malcolm needed right now. What happened to money bought loyalty? Malcolm was the one paying these drivers, and yet his children were the ones who had their trust. Malcolm didn't understand it. This wasn't how business transactions were supposed to go.

"Everyone is fond of Tommy," he muttered to Lyle, who only hummed. "That's the problem."

"Well," Lyle said as he gently usher Malcolm out the door and down to the car. "Forgive an old man his worries, then."

Malcolm said nothing back, simply got in the car and closed the door, pretending that he didn't see the misery that was etched into every crevice of his butler's face. He didn't want to acknowledge what that meant - that he was losing control over everything he'd bought for himself. Even his own staff were against him, siding with his children.

Malcolm didn't want to know that he was the one who was the villain in this story.

He didn't want to know, so he didn't look and he didn't see and he never thought about it again.

They drove away with Lyle still standing in the driveway, a haunted ghost trapped in a withered body.

.

Tommy knocked on Thea's bedroom door, pushing it open without waiting. There hadn't been much movement or noise for a while, and he really hoped Cali hadn't fallen asleep. They had to leave for their dinner with Malcolm, or they'd be late.

Malcolm hated it when they were late.

"Hey bub!" He called as he entered the room. "You here?" A swift check around the room revealed no trace of either girl, save for a bottle of coral green nail polish abandoned on the bedside table.

There was a small clatter from the bathroom. "Just a sec, Tommy!" Thea called back.

" 'Kay."

Tommy settled onto the bed, pulling out his phone and tapping out a text to Oliver. ' _Girls are boring.'_

Oliver texted back swiftly. _'Aren't you still in the house?'_

_'Yeah, and?'_

_'Why are you texting me?'_

_'Because this place is huge and I don't want to shout.'_

_'Alright, that's fair. Wish Cali luck for me.'_

Tommy glanced towards the bathroom, the door closed and his sister hidden from view. _'Nah,'_ he texted back. _'I'll text you when we're coming down and you can tell her yourself.'_

Oliver didn't respond, which Tommy took to mean okay. "Oi!" He shouted at the closed bathroom door. "We're going to be late!"

"Calm your tits, Tommy!" Thea yelled back. "We're just getting her lipstick done and then we'll be out!"

Tommy grumbled to himself but obediently quieted down and started spamming Laurel with complaints. His phone pinged with her response just as the bathroom door creaked open and Thea emerged.

"Finally," Tommy said without any real heat.

Thea rolled her eyes. "Alright, grizzly guts. You ready to see her?"

Tommy nodded, interest piqued despite himself. It wasn't often that Cali dressed up properly anymore, but King's Street was the epitome of rich and entitled, glitz and glam. Showing up without dressing up was essentially a crime.

Cali appeared in the doorway with a rustle of skirts, and Tommy's throat tightened. "Oh," he managed faintly.

Thea beamed. "Doesn't she look beautiful?"

She looked like their mother.

Cali's hair was swept into a glittering twist of an updo, held in place by a stunning silver hairpin. Thea had kept the makeup to a minimum, only using it to smooth over Cali's face and give her eyes some enhancement. The dress itself was a work of art, a tight bodice that was swathed with glittering purple lace, trimmed with the thinnest threads of silver. There was a thin silver belt at her waist, and then the rest of the dress fell in long pleats. Dainty purple gloves covered Cali's arms.

She looked like a princess.

She looked like their mom.

"I still think you went a bit overboard," Cali said, scowling slightly.

Thea swatted her. "You're going to King's Street. Besides, it's about damn time you dressed up again. I've been waiting for too long."

The light in Cali's eyes guttered. Her smile stiffened until it seemed more cardboard than smile. "I haven't had much to dress up for," she said tightly.

Thea, realising her mistake, didn't respond.

Tommy pushed himself off the bed, moving close enough to very gently cup Cali's face, so as not to ruin her makeup. "You look gorgeous," he said hoarsely. "You look-You look like Mom."

Cali blinked at him, face tight with pain. "Thank you," she whispered, and then shook herself. Tommy let his hands drop to his sides. "Well, we better get going. You know Malcolm hates it when we're late to dinner."

"Oliver wants to see you before you go," Tommy said. Cali's shoulders tensed, so he hastily added, "Just to wish you luck, you know? He's very much aware of how horrible Malcolm is, so he just wants to, you know, say good luck and whatnot."

"Tommy?" Thea said sweetly. "Stop talking."

Tommy nodded. "Right."

Cali's laugh sounded choked, like it had gotten caught in her throat. Tommy winced right alongside her. How awkward they both were together, when faced with the role of rich boy and rich girl. How easily the joy of dressing up was stripped away, destroyed, simply because it was expected of them and not a choice.

How Oliver thrived in these situations without having to fake it, Tommy would never know. Because he tried, and for a few years, it had worked. Oliver and he would roam the rich people scene, milling around in their suits and combed hair. And then the _Gambit_ had gone down, and everything had seemed hollow, and Tommy had lost that grip on who he was supposed to be.

"I should text Janet," Cali said, voice still shaky. "See if I can't get a kiss for all the effort."

Tommy's answering smile was just as strained.

It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

Thea clapped her hands, breaking the strange tension that had built around them. "Well, " she said loudly. "I think it's time you guys get moving. Especially if my brother wants to see you off."

Cali's blinks were hurried and confused, as though she'd forgotten that they actually had a dinner reservation to make. "Right."

"Right," Tommy echoed, and offered his sister an arm. "Shall we, then, my lady?"

Cali grabbed on almost desperately, her nails - which were a delightful indigo colour - digging into the fabric of his sleeve. Thea trailed them silently as Tommy swept his sister out into the hallway and down the stairs, both of them keeping their wounded words locked tightly away behind their tongues. They didn't need to inflict any more heartbreak on each other tonight.

Malcolm would be able to do that for them.

"Oh wow," Oliver breathed, emerging from the shadows at the bottoms of the stairs like a damn ninja. Tommy tensed slightly. Cali's grip on his arm got impossibly tighter. "You look amazing."

"I know," Thea said for them, brushing past and standing beside her brother. "Purple is definitely Cali's colour."

Oliver nudged her slightly. "I was obviously talking about Tommy."

Thea raised her hands in surrender. "Don't mind me, then. Let the bromance continue."

And for a moment, just that split second right there before Oliver took a breath, Tommy was between two worlds.

Through one eye, he could see _his_ Oliver, the boy he'd been before the _Gambit_ had gone down. Eyes sparkling with mirth, hair tinged gold under the light, lips upturned in a bright smile. With Thea by his side, Oliver could just possibly manage to be the perfect picture of who he was supposed to be. Even his voice was different - lighter and happier and hopelessly awash with a certain kind of love for his friends, a certain kind of love for Cali.

But Tommy could also see just how many shadows Oliver was carrying, just how many skeletons were spilling out of his closet. And his hair was bleached white like bone, and his teeth were broken and jagged, and his eyes were the sunken pits one would expect to find only around the dead. The love that was once so pure was wreathing around his tongue, poisoned and angry and dangerous and bitter.

Oliver breathed in.

Tommy settled somewhere in the middle.

Because that love was still there, and it was still fighting. It was sour and stretched thin, but it was full of hope, of healing. And it was for Cali. It was for Tommy. It was for Thea. Three different kinds of love, but love nonetheless.

"Has Janet ever seen you dress up like this?" Oliver asked Cali, and Tommy watched that love gutter and wither just a little bit more. Cali shook her head mutely. "No? Shame. You might just be able to secure a marriage proposal looking like that."

The wrong thing to say. Tommy winced as Cali retracted her claws from his arm and settled them on her hips instead. "You saying I've got to dress up and look good for someone to want to marry me?" She demanded. Oliver's eyes widened almost comically. "Mr Queen, I expected so much more of you."

"I didn't mean to offend, my lady," Oliver said, lips twitching. "Allow me to offer my apologies and perhaps a twirl to soothe any upset I may have caused."

Cali tried to remain strong; Tommy saw her mouth quivering, fighting a smile. Eventually, she broke and her angry look vanished. "Oh alright," she said, holding onto Oliver's outstretched hand and allowing him to guide her into a twirl. "If you say so."

Her skirt flared as Oliver spun her around more than once, her heels allowing her to be exactly at his eye height. Tommy watched them quietly, just taking it in. Because Cali looked almost happy as she and Oliver danced to their own music. She looked comfortable and at ease, and Oliver looked more like himself than he ever had since they'd found him.

In that moment, Tommy knew he'd lost two of the most important women in his life to the one man who hadn't really wanted them but who'd grown to love them anyway.

So he allowed them their dance; when Thea managed to catch his eye, he could only offer her a miserable smile and a silent prayer that one day someone would look at _him_ like Cali was looking at Oliver.

.

King's Street was not a place for overzealous humour, which is why Cali's wild laugh petered off to a polite giggle as she and Tommy exited the car. Parker waited until they were inside the restaurant before driving off and Tommy was casually reminded how much the people around Cali cared for her.

Maybe it was her special power.

"Tommy and Cali Merlyn," the hostess greeted pleasantly. "Your father is already here. If you would both follow me."

Just like that, the calm and relaxed atmosphere was forced away as Tommy and Cali obediently followed the hostess to a table in the far corner, tucked in the shadows. Malcolm was indeed already waiting for them, seemingly dressed down for once. Tommy's nose wrinkled at the worn suit his father was wearing, the edges soft from use and love.

Malcolm had chosen King's Street, and then he'd chosen not to fit in.

With a polite expression of thanks to the waitress, Tommy and Cali carefully sat side by side in the booth, facing their father who had never really been a father with dual looks of disinterest. Neither of them were comfortable being here - the only upside was the food.

"Cali," Malcolm greeted warmly once they'd settled. "You look beautiful tonight."

"Thanks," Cali said flatly. "You look tired."

Tommy inhaled quickly, but Malcolm didn't dignify Cali's remark with a response. Instead, his eyes shifted over to Tommy, who fought the urge to squirm in his seat like he was eight years old agan. "Tommy," he said, "my boy. You clean up well."

Tommy wasn't stung by that. He wasn't. It was a compliment. But it was said like _that_ , with the same tone Malcolm had used to accuse him of neglect that day after Michael had landed Cali and Thea in hospital.

(Everyone cared so very much about his sister, but Tommy was easier to lose. Was easier to miss, even if he was right there in front of them.)

"Cut the crap," Cali interrupted, leaning forward. One of her hands squeezed Tommy's knee comfortingly. "You didn't call us here for a social check up, so what do you want?"

"Can I simply not miss my children?" Malcolm asked, faux hurt. Cali's lips peeled into a nasty sneer. Clearly, she hadn't forgiven the last incident. Malcolm, evidently, reached the same conclusion as his son, because he sighed and rapped his knuckles on the file neither Tommy nor Cal had noticed until now. "I'm here to tell you the truth."

"About the bruises?" Tommy asked. "Or what made the bruises go away?"

Malcolm didn't dignify them with an answer, which was really an answer in and of itself. "Both of you need to understand one thing: I did what I did because I love you.. None of this was ever supposed to be because I was evil. I was saving Cali's life."

"Saving my life?" Cali echoed. "How do you mean?"

With a sigh, Malcolm slid the file over to her. Cali didn't touch it. "You were born with weak lungs," Malcolm began thinly. "It was difficult to keep you breathing during the nights, your immune system was in shambles, and the slightest cough had the power to kill you. The doctors told us, when you were born, that you probably weren't going to make it very far in life."

Cali raised an unimpressed eyebrow and looked down at the file. "Well, here I am," she said blandly. "So they were clearly wrong."

Malcolm shook his head. "No. No, they were right."

"I think I remember this," Tommy interjected thoughtfully, sensing his sister's disinterest in the documents and dragging the folder towards himself. "She got sick, didn't she? Really sick?"

Malcolm shifted "Yes. You contracted some kind of respiratory infection, Calissa, and you were dying. Your lungs couldn't handle the strain. You were coughing up blood. Rebecca was convinced we were going to lose you, and it broke her heart. So I contacted a doctor, of a kind. We worked together to make an antidote - something that would heal your lungs and keep you in good health for the rest of your life. Eventually, I let your mother join the project, to grant her peace of mind."

Tommy opened the file.

The first thing he really comprehend was his mother's handwriting. It was elegant and sloping, as it always had been, the ballpoint pen ink smoothly etched into the white lined paper. Her notes were the only ones completely handwritten. Most of the other documents were typed. Most likely transcripts, then.

"The serum was only supposed to be a one time thing," Malcolm continued, a little quieter now that his sins were on display. "But you reacted badly to it. You seized, and we almost lost you then and there. So we had to use another prototype serum to counteract everything. And it worked."

"It worked," Cali repeated flatly. "So why are you telling me, if it worked?"

Tommy swore colourfully as he scanned through the documents about the prototype serum. "You injected her with this?" He snapped, blinking down at the paper. "Without testing it properly first?"

Malcolm raised his hands in an aborted surrender. "Tommy, listen-"

"You knew what this shit could do to her and you gave it to her anyway!"

"She was dying!"

"Better death than living the rest of her life as some _freak_!"

Tommy's mouth tasted like ash.

Ashamed, he turned to his sister, who was pale and trembling. He hadn't meant it like that, he hadn't meant it like that all, but it was too late to take it all back now as Cali snatched the paperwork out of his hands. She read through it quickly, biting her lip.

She tapped on something on the paper. _"Could potentially forge a connection between administer and patient that will affect patient's abilities to emote when in dissonance with administer,"_ she read. _"Consequences are as such: headaches, extended bouts of deep sleep, unbalanced emotions, strong and sudden feelings of nostalgia, an urge to be in physical proximity to administer."_

"Cali," Malcolm tried. "It's not-"

_"Effects may be as follows: superhuman healing wherein the patient may heal from injuries within hours of sustaining them depending on severity, immunity to drugs and serums of any other kind, forced emotional control over self and emotionally close person/s wherein the patient has the potential to use excess emotions of those around her to build an independent physical reaction."_ She threw the papers down on the table and glared up at Malcolm with watery eyes. "Tommy's right, you made me a damn freak!"

Tommy winced.

Everything was falling apart.

They never should have come, he realised as he gathered the papers together again and slid them back into the folder. His mother's handwriting was swallowed by the typed reports, detailing how unnatural Cali was. How far from normal. How dangerous.

Someone had to tell Oliver.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Cali asked, voice splintering underneath the weight of her despair. "How am I supposed to keep going in my life knowing that I'm not-I'm not _human?_ "

"Of course you're human," Malcolm argued fiercely. "This isn't about being a freak, Cali. This is about being able to handle these powers. After you adjusted to the serum when you were younger, we gave you a natural suppressant, so you wouldn't suffer any of those effects while you were too young to understand."

"So inject me again!"

"I can't!" Malcolm scrubbed a hand over his face, groaning wearily. "The suppressant won't work because of your age. Your body is too grown up, too advanced, and the serum is too active for the suppressant to do any good."

Cali fell back into the chair, laughing angrily, bitterly. Tommy's heart hitched at how horribly similar it was to Oliver's own twisted love that he'd seen earlier.

Alright, so maybe there was a little bit of monster in everyone.

"So how are we going to fix it?" Tommy asked heavily. Malcolm blinked at him. "Surely you have something. You wouldn't have called us here otherwise."

"That's not true."

"You wouldn't have told us if you didn't have to, don't you dare try and pretend otherwise." Tommy scowled. "So what have you got in mind?"

He had to have something; if Malcolm had nothing, then Tommy would have to watch his sister become something else, something unrecognisable. Something dangerous. Something freaky. Something that was so very far away from what Rebecca had wanted them both to be. Tommy didn't think he could bear it if he had to look at Cali and see someone else.

So Malcolm had to fix it.

He had to.

Tommy didn't have anything else.

Cali filled the silence that Malcolm created through his lack of answer. Her voice was icy. Tommy almost felt bad for his father. "So why were you drugging me?" She asked. "Why spike the lemonade?"

Malcolm's eyes slipped closed as disappointment darkened his features. "You know," he sighed.

"Of course I know," Cali snapped. "Lemonade doesn't taste like that!"

"I needed your blood to synthesise an antidote." Malcolm reached across the table to grab Cali's hand, only to startle to a halt when Cali snatched her whole arm away, holding her hands close to her stomach as though the slightest touch would hurt someone. Malcolm carefully pulled his hand back. "I was hoping that I could make the antidote in secret and then administer it while you were unconscious."

But why? Why drug her for it? Why not just ask for her blood, or why not explain what he was doing? Tommy frowned.

"You didn't want us to know," he realised out loud and Malcolm's shoulders tensed. Cali made a small, wounded noise beside him. "You didn't want to tell us what you'd done, so you drugged her instead."

"I wouldn't phrase it like that-"

Cali cut her father off. "Where's the antidote?"

Malcolm shook his head. "It's too risky. I don't know what the effects will be."

"I don't care." Cali leaned forwards, her purple nails flashing crimson in the restaurant lighting. "Get me the antidote, and then never speak to me again."

"Cali-"

Cali bared her teeth. "Do not think," she hissed lowly, "that I am too weak to strike back. If you come back for us, if you come back for _me_ , I will kill you dead. I owe you nothing. You are no father of mine. I renounce you, and I resent you, and I swear to you if you come near me again they will never find your body. Understood?

Malcolm swallowed, nodded once, and then Cali slid out of the booth and left Tommy alone with his father.

Tommy clapped his hands together. "So," he tried. "Have you ordered anything yet?"


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cali and Janet talk. Cali and Oliver talk. Tommy has had enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is absolutely disgusting, but I don't have the time or the energy to re-write it so.  
> The flashbacks are finally finished, and now we can get right back to the episodes. Hopefully once I start back on those the updates will move a bit faster and I can get this book finished :)  
> Also, can I just mention that I love Janet so much. Like, she's actually my favourite OC i've ever created.
> 
> As always, leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"Tired of empty conversation  
'Cause no one hears me anymore"_   
**DEMI LOVATO - _'Anyone'_**

.

_See it went something like this:_

_Months and months after Cali buried the only thing she had of her son's - the numerous scans that had once proved his existence - Michael lost his temper. It wasn't a rare occurrence, which was why Cali wasn't already reaching for the phone to call Tommy, but it was the first time Michael hit her without the intention of apologising. His anger was a frightful thing when unleashed, and it hadn't been until then that Cali had been exposed to it so completely._

_His grip was bruising in her hair, her forearms battered and discoloured as she tried to shield her face from his blows. He was never usually so violent with her, was never usually one for straight out physical violence. He hit her where it could be seen, without any care of what would happen afterwards. What the effects would be._

_He hit her and he pulled her hair and he spat such horrible things. Terrible things, about Gabriel, about her brother, about herself and the things she did wrong._

_Cali wrenched her arm away once the blood began to trail from her forehead to her chin, stifling her instinctual gasp as her right arm jarred. "Stop," she pleaded, voice a ruined mess._

_Michael stepped back, chest heaving. "You don't tell anyone about this," he said lowly. "You keep your damn mouth shut."_

_Cali hugged her right arm to her chest protectively, scrambling to her feet. "I'm leaving," she said, trying to sound brave and failing miserably, but she didn't back down. Not this time. She was supposed to be worth more than this._

_Michael's teeth gleamed - for a moment, Cali was worried he was going to pounce again. But no, he backed down. His anger was too uncontrolled right now. "You tell nobody," he repeated viciously, but slumped down on the couch. "Come back tomorrow."_

_"What do you want me to say to Thea?"_

_"You're going to see that junkie?"_

_"Michael!" Cali snapped. He could beat her as much as he wanted. He could rip chunks of her hair out, he could cut her off from her family, he could love her until he didn't anymore, but he couldn't talk about Thea. Not about Thea's drug problems. "Her brother is dead. Don't do that to her."_

_Don't ruin the one good thing Cali had left in her life. God knew she had nobody else left. If Michael took this away from her, took Thea away from her like he'd taken Tommy away, Cali would wither up and die._

_Oliver would've stopped this before it even began._

_Oliver was fucking dead._

_Michael shook his head. "You're so damn sensitive, Lissy." His eyes flicked down to where Jasper was cowering by Cali's leg, tail puffed up threateningly, ears flat to his head. "Take your mangy rat with you. I don't want to see it's ugly mug in my house again."_

_Cali wanted to tell him that it was their house, that she'd paid more money than he had. But fear stayed her tongue. She didn't think she could endure another bout of his rage. Not when she didn't know why he was so angry with her in the first place._

_She crouched down and scooped Jasper into her arms, then turned on her heel and hobbled out the front door._

_All in all, she wasn't hurt too bad. There would be many, many bruises, but Michael hadn't broken any bones. Her wrist was the only major injury, and even then it was barely sprained. Everything was superficial, surface level and nothing more. It could be worse. It could always be worse._

_She didn't call for a driver. She just kept her arm pressed tight against her stomach and braved the walk to the Queen mansion. Each step was shakier than the last, but whenever she felt it was too much, Cali would simply bury her face in Jasper's fur and keep going. Jasper, her rock, her baby. The one nice thing Michael had ever done for her._

_Jasper, who was filling the whole that should have belonged to Gabriel. Jasper, who kept himself calm in her arms as she sniffled and heaved her breaths and finally walked away from the man she never should have stayed with._

_Tommy would have a field day with this._

_Cali didn't want to hear the 'I-told-you-so.' She just wanted... She wanted her brother to hold her. She wanted Oliver back. She wanted her mom._

_She wanted to not be in pain anymore._

_Jasper nosed gently at her neck, his whiskers twitching along her overly heated skin. She ran a gentle hand down his back, scratching between his ears. Gradually, her breathing eased. God, this never should have happened. If she'd been able to have Gabriel, like she and Michael had wanted, none of this would be happening. She'd be nursing her baby, not nursing an injured wrist._

_She walked just slightly faster. She knew it wasn't that Michael didn't love her - he did, she was sure of it - it's just that he got so angry sometimes. And he couldn't be blamed for losing himself in his grief for the baby they never had. The baby Cali lost. The baby she killed._

_So maybe she deserved what he'd given her. Really, he should have hit her harder. She'd murdered his child. Unintentionally, of course, but it was her body that failed. It was her that caused Gabriel's life to end before it even began. And that made her a monster, not a mother._

_Jasper made a small chuffing sound. Cali let it mask her croaky sob._

_Dusk was staining the sky a gentle pink by the time Cali made it to the Queen mansion, Jasper a furry ice cube in her arms. Guilt joined the steady thumping pain in her side. She hadn't meant to drag him through such bad conditions. But she couldn't have left him with Michael, not when he'd been in such a terrible mood._

_The door cracked open before she even raised a hand to knock, Raisa's wide, shocked eyes taking her in for the barest moment. "In," the maid directed when she'd looked her fill, gently reaching for Cali and herding her inside. Jasper let out the smallest meow Cali had ever heard. Raisa frowned at him. "Poor thing," she clucked. "I'm sure we have food for him, if you'd like."_

_Cali said nothing, but her hold on her cat didn't ease._

_Raisa nodded to herself and didn't force the issue, instead shuffling Cali upstairs to the spare room. Too-heavy footsteps told Cali that Thea was already there and following them, but the Queen girl didn't dare speak. Not yet. Not after seeing the blood that had dried on the collar of Cali's shirt._

_Raisa didn't try and touch Cali again as she motioned for her to sit on the bed. Nor did she offer to take Jasper, or to bring her fresh clothes. Cali loved her more in that moment than she'd ever loved her own mother._

_And God, didn't that make her feel worse._

_"I'll bring something for you and the kitten," Raisa said gently. "You're both cold and hungry. I'll be back. Thea, grab a blanket?"_

_Thea, again without saying a word, fetched the blanket from the closet and carefully draped it over Cali's shoulders. Immediately, Jasper wriggled in her grip and crawled further up until he could bury his face in the blanket, snuggling up by her shoulder. Cali let him adjust himself and then went straight back to holding him._

_Raisa bustled away, leaving Thea and Cali is a silent standoff. The battle lasted barely a second; Thea caved first. "Cute cat," she said. "If I had to flee an abusive house, I'd take my pet too."_

_Cali didn't have the will to fight her. "His name is Jasper," she whispered hoarsely. Her split lip cracked open again, the tiniest dribble of blood escaping down her chin. Cali winced as Thea's eyes tracked the droplet. "Sorry."_

_Thea scoffed. "You're literally a battered housewife and you're saying sorry to me? Cali, honey, have you seen yourself yet?"_

_Cali's scalp still ached. She pressed her cheek into Jasper's soft fur. "I lost the baby."_

_Immediately, Thea's hard edges softened. Her hands fluttered by her side, as though she wanted to reach out but couldn't quite bring herself to bridge that final gap. Maybe it was trepidation - Cali was known to react to people reaching for her with something akin to desperate violence._

_Cali didn't know how to tell her that she'd had enough violence for today. She just wanted someone to make her safe. Someone who wouldn't force her to get rid of her cat, who wouldn't blame her for losing the baby she'd fought so desperately to keep alive._

_"Yeah," Thea breathed, settling for giving Jasper a gentle pet instead. "I know. I'm sorry, Cali."_

_Cali blinked rapidly down at her legs. "Yeah," she echoed and closed her eyes tight enough that stars burst across the back of her eyelids. "Yeah."_

.

Janet opened the door after the second knock, which signalled to Cali that the waitress had already been informed and was simply waiting for Cali to finally show up on her doorstep for some kind of comfort.

"Hey," Janet said quietly, opening her arms just enough for Cali to topple forward into them.

Getting hugged by Janet was like snuggling up under the bed covers in winter - it was deliciously warm and tight but not stifling. It was the intense feeling of safety and love and satisfaction. Which was the weirdest mix of soothing and irritating as Cali's heart seized with all the complex emotions she'd been trying not to feel on the way over.

Complex emotions that had caused her to lash out unfairly at Parker, who'd already been waiting for her at King's Street, apparently at Malcolm's request. It seemed her father had anticipated her reaction and decided to plan for it. Which pissed her off even more, in a way that she couldn't actually explain.

(Maybe it wasn't that she was angry, maybe it's that she was afraid. The fucking file said they had a _connection_ and that meant that he _knew_ her in ways that even Tommy didn't. And that terrified her.)

"I can't keep doing this," Cali confessed into Janet's nicely defined collarbone. Janet's arms shifted slightly at the muffled words, but didn't pull away completely. Cali let the touch ground her as she squeezed her eyes closed. "I don't know how to not go back to him."

She wanted to blame it on the serum, on those recorded effects and that damn connection thing, but really, she couldn't. She didn't know where she ended and the serum began. If she'd had that serum in her for most of her life, how could she tell if it was a genuine want to reconcile with her father or just another side effect?

She'd threatened to kill him if he tried to come near her. That wasn't the serum. That was her.

So she just had to cling to her anger, to her disdain. She had to wrap it around herself so tightly that she _breathed_ the aggression, that she lived her anger with every inhale and every exhale and every damn heartbeat, if only to stave off the need to go crawling back to the man who stole her one free will away from her.

Malcolm claimed he was doing it for her.

Cali called bullshit.

"Do you think this is how Oliver feels?" Cali wondered out loud, gripping desperately at Janet's hips as the waitress's arms tighten around her. "So...so angry and misplaced? Like he can only be angry because there's nothing else to be? Like he's angry because that's the last emotion that he has left that's actually _his_?"

Janet's voice was suspiciously thick and horrendously sad when she said, "I don't know, CC, but I know that you're going to be okay."

Cali laughed bitterly. "My father is a psychopath who literally changed my body's chemicals to make sure I could never escape him."

"Tommy says he was doing it to keep you alive."

Cali pulled out of the hug slowly, almost disbelievingly. Janet's hand lingered on her shoulders, almost as though she was reluctant to let go, as though she were afraid that Cali was going to go somewhere nobody else could follow if Janet's hands weren't tying her to this one place.

It wasn't entirely untrue, if Cali was completely honest. "You're defending him?" She asked slowly, thickly, the words clinging to her tongue, too afraid to leap into the air and be accusing.

Janet shook her head, even as her lips twisted into a small frown. "It's not that I'm defending him-"

"You are," Cali cut her off, eyes blowing wide with shock. "You're actually defending the man. So what, he was trying to save my life? If it was my time to die, then it was my time to die! Why should I be so special compared to everyone else?"

Some sort of strangled wheeze escaped from Janet's throat. "What's that supposed to mean? You _want_ to die?"

"I want a life that's my own."

"This doesn't stop you from being your own person, CC."

Cali's laugh was more like a jackal cry - short and wild and ugly. Janet winced back. Right, she hadn't seen this side to Cali yet. Tommy had. Oliver had. Thea had. Fuck, everybody in her life had, so why not Janet too? Knowing Cali's shitty luck, it would be just the thing to chase the girl away.

Janet's fingertips smoothed over Cali's cheek, touching her so gingerly that Cli's horrible laugh cut off with a soft breath. "Stop," Janet said. "Just... stop."

Cali didn't dare breathe too deeply for fear of displacing those gentle fingers. "You have no idea," she said in a whisper, "how scared I am."

"I do," Janet whispered back, those fingers still ghosting over Cali's skin. "Oh honey, believe me. I do."

And-

Okay, see-

Cali knew she wasn't really worth much anymore. Maybe once, she'd been something special. Back when she was someone's daughter. But then Starling City had robbed her off that title, and the ocean had robbed her of Oliver, and Michael had robbed her of her own damn soul. So she wasn't much more than a dumpster fire given form.

But when Janet looked at her like _that_ \- with all the love and adoration in the world - and her touch was so heartbreakingly gentle, like Cali was something precious, she felt what it would be to be valuable to someone.

Not that Tommy hadn't ever done that for her, but he was her brother. That bond was literally bred into them. But Janet...Janet loved Cali, and that was her own choice. There was no expectation, no prior history. Janet was there for Cali because she wanted to be, because she could be. And Cali loved her fiercely for that.

So Cali crowded forward and crushed her mouth to Janet's with a bruising, desperate force.

Janet kissed back instantly, matching Cali's intensity easily and grabbing at her hips to keep them together. Cali pressed her own hands against Janet's stomach, brushing her thumbs along Janet's ribs. The kiss never faltered once.

"I love you," she puffed when both of them paused for air.

Janet beamed at her, and pressed her response to Cali's open mouth.

Cali walked Janet backwards until they were both inside and then kicked the door shut behind them.

.

Cali's phone buzzed insistently on the bedside table and she groaned in annoyance. She wanted to sleep. She wanted to sleep until she died. She's already been awake once this morning, when Janet had made her breakfast before dashing off to work, but then Cali had promptly slipped back into the depths of unconsciousness.

She was _tired._

She grabbed her phone, answered the call without looking at who it was calling her, and snarled, " _What do you want, you fucking ingrate?"_

"Good morning to you too," Oliver said pleasantly, apparently unbothered by her grouchiness. "Or really, it's just hit noon, so it's not even morning anymore."

Cali scrubbed at her face before trying desperately to smother herself with one of Janet's pillows. "Is there a purpose to this call, Ollie, or did you just wake me up to be a dick?"

Silence crackled over the line for a moment, and Cali took the chance to sit up, trying desperately to get the larger chunks of sleep out of her eye as if it would remove the temptation to simply go back to sleep. "Can I not just call my best girl?" Oliver asked finally.

"Not when your best girl was asleep."

"It's literally the afternoon, Cali, why are you sleeping so late?"

Cali scowled at the bedsheets. "Who gave you the right to be so fucking judgy?"

Oliver hummed, amused. "No need to get so defensive, guppy, I'm just teasing. Given that you stayed the night with that waitress of yours, I think I have a pretty solid idea why you're so tired."

Cali's face heated. " _Oliver_!" She clutched the sheets to her chest, feeling suddenly exposed despite wearing one of Janet's old t-shirts. Oliver's gentle laugh was barely more than an exhale, and it softened Cali's embarrassment into something more fond. "You didn't need to do that to me," she scolded half-heartedly.

Rustling on Oliver's end of the call suggested movement, and Cali used the brief pause to force away the redness to her cheeks. "What else am I supposed to tease you about?" Oliver said lightly. "I don't know enough about your waitress-"

"She's not just 'my waitress', Ollie, you know her name. Use it."

"Okay, so I know her name is Janet," Oliver agreed, "but that's all you've told me! I'm waiting for all the gossip and gushing, and you're depriving me."

Cali's lips twitched. "Is this your way of asking me to gush about my girlfriend?"

"Cali, I thought we were at the stage where I didn't have to ask."

And it was true. Before the _'Gambit'_ had gone down, Oliver had been her go-to guy for everything. He'd been the one she'd tell about her partners, her crushes, her dreams and desires and pet peeves like Tommy constantly moving her hair brushes around.

In return, Oliver had always engaged in her sleepover-gossip rituals. He'd sneak bowls of ice cream up to the bedroom for her while she prepared a pillow fort, and he'd let her braid his long hair while he whispered about whatever girl he was taking out the next day.

It might've been cute to continue the tradition if they hadn't grown up, because now Oliver whispered about being the vigilante instead of girls, and Cali told him about abuse instead of Tommy's annoying habits.

She cleared her throat, which suddenly and inexplicably felt tight, and tried to keep the cheer in her voice when she said, "Yeah, alright. I think I can spare a few minutes to talk about my personal lord and saviour, Janet Parker. Before I start my spiel, is there anything you really want to know? Specifically?"

"Yeah, actually." Oliver's voice had thinned, lost it's steadiness. "I just want to know one thing - does she make you happy?"

And oh, that wasn't something Cali had anticipated.

"Yeah," she answered quietly. "Yeah, she does."

"Okay then." Oliver inhaled deeply, and Cali matched him, trying desperately to hold back the sudden swell of grief that was threatening to swamp her. This is what she should've had - this is what the _'Gambit'_ stole from her. This is the role that Tommy tried his damndest to fill, that he couldn't quite manage because that role was Oliver-shaped and thus could only be filled by Oliver. "Tell me about Miss Janet Parker."

Where did she even begin? "The most important thing about Miss Janet Parker," Cali started, voice just a touch too wobbly to be considered casual, "is that she can make the best milkshakes in Starling City."

.

When they were younger - he, Oliver and Cali - Tommy hadn't been invited to the sleepover gossip sessions. It wasn't out of maliciousness, or because his sister and his best friend hated him, but it was done. And Tommy had hated it, had grown bitter whenever Oliver crept upstairs with two bowls of ice cream.

Because of this, he'd started to blow off Oliver's attempts to spend time with him. Because despite what young Tommy thought, Oliver wasn't choosing Cali over him Oliver was just choosing Cali, like he'd chosen Tommy. Despite what young Tommy believed, there was room in Oliver's heart for both of them.

The last thing Oliver had ever said to him was, "Please wait for me before you leave. I want to talk to you."

Tommy, bitter and young and stupid, had left without waiting. Because in his head, Cali was Oliver's chosen one. And it didn't matter that Tommy and Oliver had been through everything else together, it didn't matter that the two of them were closer than brothers, that Oliver had been the one who'd crawled into the shrivelled remains of Tommy's heart after his Mom had died and then made a home.

Tommy walked away first.

And then the fucking yacht had gone down and Tommy lost his platonic soulmate.

And he'd never known what Oliver had wanted to talk about.

For years, _years_ , that had weighed on his conscience. Regret plagued his dreams, and then when Oliver had come back, Tommy's throat had constricted every time he'd though to ask his friend what it was he'd wanted to talk about all those years ago.

So he'd sworn never to let his own jealousy prevent him from having that bond. He'd been given a second chance, and he intended to use it well. Because he deserved Oliver's friendship, and Oliver deserved his trust and support in return.

He paused in front of the open door that led to Oliver's bedroom and bit his bottom lip, frowning in concentration as he focused on the conversation Oliver was currently engaged in. The lack of response told Tommy that his friend was on the phone.

Which made sense of course, because Moira had told Tommy that Oliver was up here. Alone.

"I'm glad you're definitely coming tonight," Oliver was saying. He sounded lighter than usual. Happier. "I thought that maybe after the meeting with your father you might've wanted to just stay in with Janet."

So he was talking to Cali. Tommy forcibly swallowed down that ugly feeling.

Cali must have said something because Oliver laughed - an actual, genuine laugh that Tommy hadn't heard the likes of since his friend had gotten back. It was a bittersweet thing to hear - sweet, because hearing Oliver actually laugh after whatever hell he'd been through was a blessing. Bitter, because Oliver wouldn't laugh like that for anybody else.

"Yeah well," Oliver said into the phone, sobering slightly. "Can't let my best girl hide herself away from the rest of the world. Gotta keep you where I can see you. You know too much about me."

And didn't it say something about how well Tommy was handling this whole situation that he took something that was obviously meant to be teasing so seriously. Because it was virtually impossible to know too much about Oliver Queen. It was hard enough knowing the basics. Even Tommy didn't know everything about his best friend, and he'd grown up with him.

So to think that Cali knew more than him-

Actually.

It probably wasn't that unlikely. Lord knew that Cali seemed to be the balm to Oliver's many hurts. So it would make sense that he'd let his guard slip around her, that she'd find out things Oliver would prefer to hide from the rest of them.

Somehow, the thought didn't make Tommy feel any better. It just made his skin tighten over his bones.

"I know you don't like keeping secrets." Oliver was talking quietly now, voice dropping to a murmur. Tommy strained to hear it, curious and angry. Here he was, on the outside once again. "If it's any consolation, I didn't want you to find out like you did. I didn't want you to know at all. It's just going to put you at risk."

Secrets.

Tommy was so fucking _sick of secrets._

Malcolm kept secrets, Oliver kept secrets, and now he found out that his own damn sister was lying to him. Keeping things from him. The last time Cali had kept secrets like that, it was Michael. Tommy couldn't survive something like that again. It hadn't been his trauma to suffer through, but he was still getting nightmares about it.

To think that Cali was putting him through the exact same thing without any sort of regret or care burned something in his chest. If this is what heartbreak felt like, true proper heartbreak that could only be felt when even family abandoned you, then Tommy didn't want it.

Oliver kept talking, voice raising again. "You, me and Diggle need to have a proper talk. We haven't really had a chance for that yet."

Reeling away from the open door, Tommy tried to move his feet in some semblance of order as he all but fled the scene. He didn't need to know. He didn't want to know.

He all but fell down the stairs, desperation slamming through him in a violent tsunami. His heartbeat pounded in his ears as he forced his body to coordinate with itself. He had to get away. Get away from this suffocating life where everybody kept _lying_. Everyone kept choosing everyone else, and Tommy was left to pick up the pieces. Because that's what he was good for - being the second choice, being reliable.

Never mind that Tommy had been the one to nurse Cali back to health, nevermind that he'd been the one to stop Thea from spinning too far out of control. Nevermind that Tommy was struggling too, that he'd mourned Oliver just as strongly as the rest of them.

Moira met him at the bottom of the stairs, her lips pursed and face pained. Clearly, his disorganised banging and clattering had drawn her out of whatever hole she'd been hiding in. "Tommy," she tried, reaching out to him.

Tommy shied away from the touch, feeling sick to his stomach. His skin felt too hot, too tight. He didn't bother trying to smile. "Sorry to leave so abruptly," he said politely, because even when emotionally compromised, he knew how not to be a dick. "I'm afraid there are a few matters I have to attend to before tonight's party."

"Tommy," Moira said again, gentler this time. "Whatever you heard, whatever he said, it wasn't meant like that. Oliver is... he's troubled. He doesn't mean to push us away."

Tommy didn't care, he didn't. He just wanted to leave before the walls got too close and crushed him. "Maybe," he answered bitterly. "Doesn't mean I have to stick around and watch him screw up our lives yet again."

Fuck being polite.

Tommy was done.

To her credit, Moira didn't try to stop him again as he spun on his heel and left with as much dignity as he could muster - which was, to say, not very much at all. Just another thing this life had stolen from him.

He got all the way to the front door before a hand brushed against his arm, an action that brought him to a complete standstill as he waited for whatever feeble attempt would be made to get him to stay.

Thea's voice was so painfully gentle when she said, "Call Laurel," and pushed a phone into his hands. It was his. Tommy hadn't even realised he'd left it on the couch.

He looked down at the device and slipped in between his palms a few times. He didn't know how to tell Thea, sweet but hurting little Thea, that she was the wrong Queen sibling, that her voice was the wrong voice, that her words were the wrong words. He didn't know how to tell her that, because nobody had ever figured out how to say it to him.

Instead, he said nothing, pulled away from her touch, and left her standing by herself on the threshold of her own house as he opened the front door and walked away as fast as he could.

.

_See, it all ended like this:_

_Michael came to find her at the Queen mansion. Cali didn't know why - Michael hadn't taken the liberty to tell her when he'd politely knocked on Thea's door, let himself into the room, shut the door behind him and locked it, and then pushed Thea against said door._

_"What did she tell you?" He demanded lowly, maintaining his too-tight hold on the young girl's shoulders. "What lies did that fucking whore whisper in your ear?"_

_Thea, unafraid and brave, held eye contact. "She didn't have to tell me anything," she spat back venomously. "I know abuse when I see it, Michael Martin, and I know you're a fucking monster without anyone telling me."_

_Cali couldn't react fast enough, couldn't reach them in time to prevent Michael from striking Thea across the face. "Stop!" She cried, tugging uselessly at Michael's shoulders while Thea gasped. Jasper yowled from the bed. "Michael, no! You can hit me, but not Thea. Not Thea."_

_"Why?" Michael dropped his grip on Thea, which was what Cali had been going for, but advanced on the Merlyn girl instead, backing her up against the bed. "Why should I spare your little side piece? You think I don't know about you two, hm? Think I don't know that you keep leaving me for everyone else? What is it, huh? I can't satisfy you?"_

_"You killed my baby." Cali said, chin wobbling, even as she watched Thea unlock the door and slip away. Hopefully to get help. "It was your fault my body couldn't handle the pregnancy. It was your fault that birth went wrong, that I went into labour too early."_

_"Don't blame me for your mistakes."_

_And it was like-_

_Okay, Cali had heard her partner sound angry. She's heard Michael sound sad, and cold, and happy. But she'd never heard him sound like this. She couldn't describe it, not even to save a life, but it sent chills up her spine and triggered her instinctual need to get away. So she grabbed Jasper in a tight hold, slipped under Michael's outstretched arm, and ran._

_She got all the way out the door and halfway to the stairs before Michael caught up with her, slinging an arm around her waist and hauled her backwards. Her shrill shriek was muffled by the hand that covered her mouth. "None of that now," Michael crooned, and Cali was beginning to think that he was clinically insane. "Now, you're going to come home with me, quietly, and we're going to put this behind us."_

_Cali started crying._

_Jasper, crushed in her arms, let out a strangled whine, pained enough that Cali loosened her grip enough for him to fall to the floor. Michael didn't chase him. Jasper didn't stick around._

_"Michael Martin, you will release Calissa and leave my house immediately." Moira's voice rang out from the stairs, firm and furious and terrified. Cali, still trapped in Michael's hold, could see just enough of Moira's face to know that her control over the situation was finite and fragile. "The police are on their way."_

_Michael's arm around Cali's waist tightened, and she coughed slightly. Thea took a step closer. "Let her go," the young girl snarled angrily._

_"Thea," Cali breathed. "No."_

_And see, later, when Detective Quinten Lance sat by her bedside in the hospital, she couldn't answer his question about how Michael moved so quickly. To her, it only took a mere second for Michael to drop his hold on her and throw himself forward, wrap a hand around Thea's throat, and then push._

_And it took less than a second for Thea to go flying back down the stairs._

_Later, when Quinten sat beside her hospital bed and told her about the police getting there right alongside the ambulance and how they got inside just as Michael tried to run for it, Cali would tell him that she didn't remember anything after seeing Thea at the bottom of the stairs, blood seeping from her head, eyes closed and motionless._

.

_See, it ended like this:_

_Thea Queen was released from hospital after being treated for severe concussion and cranial bruising. Her mother cried when they drove home._

_Calissa Merlyn was released weeks later, allowing her brother to take her home to his apartment only to disappear that night, letting the city swallow her whole until the only thing left was a hastily scrawled note pleading everyone to just let her go._

_It took Tommy over six months to find her and bring her home again._


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver is attacked by a madman with a gun. Cali is in pain. Tommy is suspiciously absent. Laurel is a homewrecker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what this chapter is, I'm sorry guys. I'm just really tired at the moment and I think that's translated across to shitty writing. 
> 
> Like always, leave your thoughts in the comments.

_“Words only get through if they're sharp”_   
**DODIE - _‘Burned Out’_**

.

Oliver’s party seemed to move in slow motion.

Cali drifted through the hordes of party-goers, all dressed in scandalous outfits that barely matched the ‘prison' criteria. A glass of champagne was pressed into her hand by a faceless waiter that vanished before he was properly visible. The lights flashed in time to a song that Cali couldn’t properly hear because it was so loud. It felt surreal to be there, like she was so hopelessly detached from reality.

“Hey kid.” Detective Lance peeled himself away from the wall, streamlining through the crowds until the two of them were face to face. His eyes, for once, weren’t angry. He just seemed resigned. “You missed your boy’s speech.”

Cali shook her head and drained her champagne. “Doubt I missed much at all, then.”

Lance’s smile was all teeth. He had his own glass of champagne, which seemed to be the normal for the party really, but he didn’t drink any of it. “I don’t understand the appeal of these…gatherings,” he said blithely, casting his sharp gaze out over the people. Cali knew who he was looking for. “You rich kids must not understand how uncomfortable all this makes regular people.”

Oh no, Cali knew exactly what it was like. She just had to smile and bear it, because this was Oliver trying to prove a point and manipulate his closest friends and family at the exact same time and she was too tired to try and talk him out of it. Besides, something like this was so far out of her control.

Magic hands swapped her empty champagne glass for another - this one slightly larger, slightly more full - and Cali took a long drink almost instantly. “You haven’t seen my brother around, have you?”

Detective Lance eyed her drink warily. “You sure you should be drowning yourself in those already?” he said in lieu of answering, nodding at the wine glass. “I’m supposed to be the alcoholic here, not you.”

Cali rolled her eyes, finishing off her champagne in one last drink just to prove a point. This time, it burned slightly on the way down. “Alcoholism isn’t limited to one person,” she chirped, wrinkling her nose. “Let’s be miserable together.” She glanced around for a waiter, snagging the attention of one almost immediately.

To her credit, she didn’t drink the wine straight away this time. She just nursed the glass, comforted by the fact that she _could_ , if she wanted to.

Lance swept his arm out in a vague, general gesture. “Your brother left earlier. He was only here until the people started arriving.” He turned his bitter grin on Cali. “It’s strange, isn’t it? I would’ve thought this would be his scene. There’s plenty of young girls here - he could take his pick of the damn litter.”

“Quinten,” Cali warned quietly. “That’s enough.”

Lance shook his head but dropped his arm. He took a small sip of his champagne. “I don’t know how you can do this all the time,” he mumbled.

“Practice.”

He grumbled something under his breath that Cali didn’t hear and very obviously didn’t meet her eyes.

Cali sighed into the rim of her glass as she raised it to her lips to take a drink. Another change that surely must have come from Oliver’s time away. Before the _Gambit_ went down and the entire horror show started, Oliver had hated champagne. Of all the polite, mature party drinks, it had been that specific wine he’d refused to drink.

Tonight, it seemed to be the one-and-only.

Which seemed to be a fair call, Cali noted, watching Lance watch the crowds with angry, distrusting eyes. He was just waiting for one tiny slip-up and then he’d been all over Oliver like a rash. And she could understand, she really could, because she’d known Sara too.

But there were lines that adults shouldn’t cross, lines that trauma and guilt had etched into the very fabric of the universe and Lance was tiptoeing along them. If it wasn’t sad, it might almost be funny that he would treat Cali with something akin to softness because of her past, but Oliver deserved nothing less than endless mental and emotional assaults. Maybe because Sara was involved.

Maybe because Cali’s trauma hadn’t gotten anyone killed.

“Do you really think Oliver is the vigilante?” She asked, keeping her eyes fixed on some distant point as Lance turned to stare at the side of her face. A calculated risk - a way to find out if Lance would lie to her.

A way to find out if Lance suspected that _she_ was lying to _him_.

“I do,” he answered finally, taking a deeper drink from his champagne. Cali matched him. “That boy has the right kind of loose morals that someone would need to pump people full of arrows.”

Loose morals. An interesting and yet accurate way of simplifying Oliver down into a concept. Loose morals; Oliver lived in only black and white. There were no shades of grey. You were good or you were bad. The vigilante - the Hood - seemed to thrive more in the shadows of Starling City than the light.

Cali hummed to herself and drained the last of her wine. This time, when ghostly hands tried to exchange the glass, she held on tightly and batted those insistent fingers away. No more temptations tonight.

Ignoring Detective Lance for a moment, she pulled her phone out of the back pocket of her jeans, opening up her messages and tapping on Tommy’s contact. Fingers flying across the screen, she spelled out a hurried text and pressed send.

_‘Why’d you skip out on the party?’_

Quinten made a small huffing noise and shook his head, eyes sliding away from Cali’s phone as she turned the screen off. “You and that brother of yours,” he mused to himself, loud enough for her to hear him over the music. “Can’t have one without the other.”

“We’re a package deal, Quinten,” Cali said faux cheerfully, watching Lance watch Oliver through the throngs of people. “I don’t know why you’d want to choose between us anyway. We’re both delightful to be around.”

Lance snorted, handed her his empty glass and disappeared into the crowds without another word. Cali watched him go with a sour taste in her mouth.

Hands attempted to take both glasses, and this time Cali surrendered them without a fight. If someone wanted to take something from her and then give her something else in exchange, then that was their choice. Cali would give it up, let it happen.

Because she was tired of fighting back. She’d fought back against Michael, against Oliver, against Lance and Malcolm and Martha. It all ended the same way - with Cali hurting. She was tired of being in pain, of feeling like there was something wrong with her.

No.

There _was_ something wrong with her, Malcolm had admitted it. The serum, whatever it was that he’d injected her with, had messed her up on too many levels to count. So maybe it was her fault that these things kept happening. People around her tended to grow bigger and bigger while Cali seemed to get smaller and smaller. Soon enough, she’d be small enough for them to step on and they wouldn’t even be able to notice themselves doing it.

“Excuse me,” she said to one of the waiters, her smile wilted and sad. “Do you have something stronger than champagne?”

Ah alcohol. Once it was the same evil that she’d tried to blame for Michael’s actions and words. Soon enough she’s learned that alcohol wasn’t evil at all. It just brought out the evil in other people. Tommy had tried to tell her otherwise, but that hadn’t worked because he’d gotten drunk later and the things he’d told her about Malcolm and their mother and Thea and Oliver and-

Cali hadn’t recovered from that. She’d just told Tommy she had, because if there was one thing that she couldn't stand, it was her brother in pain.

A glass was pushed into her hands at the same time that a very familiar woman strode through the front doors, looking for all the world like a scorned wife who was searching for a wayward husband.

“Laurel,” Cali welcomed, giving the girl a brief hug before taking a drink from her glass. The alcohol hit the back of her throat instantly and her lips twisted. Brandy. Good choice. “Has Oliver done something wrong?”

Laurel’s face was pinched - a classic sign that she was upset. “Oliver’s always doing something wrong,” she replied, clearly trying to keep the conversation light. Cali just shrugged and had another mouthful of her drink. “Have you seen him tonight?”

Cali waved a hand at the crowds. “Here and there,” she said, nice and loudly. “He’s a very busy person, Laurel.”

“Are you drunk?”

Laurel’s tone was disgusted, which might have hurt if Cali was more invested in tonight. As it was, her phone still hadn’t buzzed with a response from Tommy and Oliver hadn’t said a word to her all night. “Not yet,” she said, and then knocked back the last of her burning brandy and nudged Laurel forward. “Your dad’s here somewhere. Find him and you'll find Oliver.”

Laurel’s frown deepened and she plucked the glass from Cali’s hand. “I’m already dealing with one alcoholic,” she said firmly, despite Cali’s indignant spluttering. “I don’t want to start with another one. Where’s Tommy, is he here? He can babysit you tonight.”

“ _Tommy_ -” Cali stressed the name, “-bailed on the party and isn’t responding to my texts. So I guess I’ll have to babysit myself.” She reached forward and snatched back her glass of brandy. “No you go and find Oliver, talk about your legal stuff, and then I don’t think this is your party scene so maybe you should vacate the premises.”

Laurel’s frown morphed into something wounded. “What did I do to you?” She asked, hurt. “Huh?”

Cali shook her head and drank the rest of her brandy in one go, choking on both the burn and the building cry in her throat. “It’s not you Laurel,” she said with an angry smile. “Haven’t you heard? I’m a monster now.”

Laurel opened her red-painted mouth, presumably to say something, but a hand clamped down on Cali's shoulder and Oliver’s voice beat her to the punch. “Hello,” he said brightly to Laurel. “Do we have a legal meeting or something? Because I have friends over.”

Cali scoffed and wrenched her shoulder away from his hand, feeling the touch burn through her clothes and down to her skin. “Hello to you too, asshole,” she snapped, shoving her glass into his chest. “Also, I don’t know what you did to my brother, but it better be fixable or I’m coming for you while you sleep, little man.”

And she didn’t mean to be a bitch, and she didn’t like being angry, but there was a slight ringing in her head that made it impossible to feel anything other than agitated. She’d noticed it with Lance, and then it had infected her like some kind of parasite. This meant that the shock and confusion on Oliver’s face and the guilty sadness on Laurel’s didn’t stop Cali as she plunged through the party-goers and disappeared out the back door, aiming for the darkest corner with the least amount of people.

Mood swings like this were rare for her, which seemed to be something that didn’t make a lot of sense if one claimed to know her. Because she seemed like a bitch, and when she was younger, her moods were always _extreme_. She was happy, or she was miserable. She was calm or she was hell incarnate as she threw things and shouted at people.

But she hadn’t changed between those emotions rapidly. Even drunk she maintained her composure, even if that composure was built out of rage or despair. So now, tonight, she was spinning out of control. Maybe it was because Tommy wasn’t here. Maybe it was because of Oliver.

She _didn’t know_.

“That expression can only ever mean that my brother has done something incredibly stupid,” Thea said dryly from behind her.

Cali didn’t turn around to face her, just pulled out her phone and fired another text off to Tommy. “Not right now, Thea. I’m not in a great mood.”

Thea moved closer, but unlike her brother didn’t reach out. “That makes two of us. Want to be angry together?”

“Maybe later. I’ll take you shopping and we can complain the whole day, but right now, critter, I just want to be alone.”

Alone with her misery and her anger and her heartbreak. Alone, and lonely, because that’s what Oliver had made her when he’d come back. Not because he’d wanted to, or had tried to. But because that was the way it was. He drew in Oliver, and Thea, and Tommy. Because Tommy was Oliver’s best friend and he was only Cali’s brother. She couldn’t compete with the great Oliver Queen.

And how long until Parker’s trust in her fell through? How long until Cassidy decided that he was tired of rescuing her from her own fears? How long until even those bonds dissolved under the magnificent light of Oliver’s return?

She’d already lost Thea to it. She was on the cusp of losing Tommy to it. She only had Laurel, and even then, Laurel was very clearly fighting with herself about how to feel around Ollie. Cali herself was slipping. John Diggle had never even stood a chance.

“Hey,” Thea murmured, looping her skinny arms around Cali’s middle from behind, trapping her in a weird reverse hug. When she spoke again, Cali could feel the vibrations ripple across her shoulders. “Alone doesn’t help anyone. It just makes things worse.”

Cali wanted to call her a hypocrite - as if Thea hadn’t been isolating herself ever since she’d realised that the brother she’d been given back wasn’t the same brother she’d lost - but the words got stuck in her throat. Because Thea’s arms were firm around her middle, and for once, Cali didn’t feel trapped by it. She just felt cold.

She walked her fingers along Thea’s wrist. “I’m sick of cleaning up his messes.”

Thea leaned her forehead on Cali’s back. “I don’t think you have a choice anymore. Oliver trusts you, for some reason, and that means that you have to see all his dark parts. You can’t just settle for the light that’s in him, Cali. Not like I can. You know better.”

“Trust me, Thea, I’m not ‘settling’ for any part of your brother.” To do so would almost be suicide. Because if you weren’t on your guard around Oliver, you were going to catch fire and burn out into a beautiful pile of ash and regret.

And yeah, maybe there was a bitterness to Thea’s voice that Cali chose to ignore. She hadn’t chosen for Oliver to open up to her. In fact, she honestly didn’t think he’d told her all that much. But maybe he’d told her more than he’d told anyone else, and that made her special and horrible all at once.

Cali took a shuddering breath. “Why don’t you hate me?” She asked quietly, tilting her head back slightly to look at the night sky. “You should.”

Thea hugged her tighter. “I could never,” she said into the back of Cali’s shirt.

The words sounded hollow, so Cali didn’t ask again.

.

Oliver knew that kissing Laurel was a mistake the minute he let her push her lips onto his. She was telling him something that she would never dare say out loud, and that made it all the more dangerous when Oliver let himself deepen the kiss until it was almost like before Lian Yu. Like _before_. When they were together, and he’d been scared of being something more with her.

He was scared now. Fucking terrified actually. Because Laurel kissed the same, and she tasted the same, and she wore the same brand of liquid lipstick that she used to when they were dating. She was everything that Oliver had tried to forget on the island, and here she was, kissing him like he’d never left.

So focused was he on the kiss that he didn’t notice the figure in the doorway, frozen in place as they beheld the sight of two lovers reunited. In fact, neither he nor Laurel knew someone was there until Cali cleared her throat and said in an icy voice, “This is the strangest _legal meeting_ I’ve ever seen.”

Immediately, Laurel was pulling away from Oliver’s mouth, jolting back several steps as she pressed her fingers to her lips. “No,” she breathed, staring wide-eyed at Oliver. Her free hand flapped at Cali. “Oh God no, this isn’t what-”

“Laurel, if you tell me that this isn’t what it looks like, so help me God I will rip your hair out.”

Oliver, ashamed of his actions, kept his focus just past Laurel’s shoulder, trained on the picture on the wall. “Laurel,” he said quietly when she took a jerky step towards the doorway wehere Cali was looming. “You don’t have to leave.”

“Oh God,” she said again, even as Cali moved aside so that she could flee the scene. “Oh god, I have to go.”

Oliver could still taste her lipstick as she escaped into the hallway and hurried down the stairs.

Cali stepped into the room and closed the door firmly behind her. Oliver winced at the harsh bang of wood-on-wood. “You have a lot of nerve, Oliver Queen,” Cali hissed, sheer fury dominating the tone of her voice. “I thought that maybe your bastard personality was part of the act, that you didn’t actually like to take things that weren’t yours.”

“Cali-” Oliver didn’t dare move a muscle, lest she jump at him and rake her nails through his chest. He would let her.

“ _No_!” Cali moved closer again. Oliver didn’t move away. Cali yanked a hand through her hair. “Laurel is dating my brother,” she said, too slowly to be casual. Her words are sharp and punctuated. Oliver felt each one like a physical blow. “You cannot come in here with her, and take that from him. He has worked hard to cultivate that relationship. You cannot stand here and tear it all apart just because you’re _Oliver fucking Queen_.”

Oliver shook his head. “Apparently I can.” Cali’s hand whipped out to slap him. Oliver caught her wrist. “I fucked up, Cali, I get it. But you aren’t your brother’s keeper. If, _if_ , he finds out, I’ll deal with him.”

Cali brought her other elbow down on Oliver’s hand, forcing him to relinquish his grip. The minute she was free, she whipped her hand across his cheek, slapping him hard enough that the breath tumbled out of his body.

“How _dare_ you!” She spat venomously, advancing on him. “My brother _adores_ you. He _loves_ you. You are his _best fucking friend_ and you aren’t even going to tell him that you _kissed his girlfriend_?”

“Just because you like sabotaging your relationships with people doesn’t mean that I have to!” Oliver shouted back, not because he meant it, but because shame and anger were fighting in his stomach and he didn’t know how to swallow it back.

Cali reeled back as if he’d struck her. “What are you gonna do, Oliver?” She spread her arms. “Are you going to ‘deal’ with me too? Are you going to shoot me and my brother full of arrows so that you can continue with your life, pretending that you haven’t changed and everyone still loves you? Newsflash, asshole, everyone knows you’ve become someone else. We’re just too fucking scared to bring it up in case you kill us for it.”

It was _Oliver’s_ turn to step back, feeling his heart pound harder and harder with each cruel word. He would never attack his friends or his family, and he would never intentionally scare them like that. It was bad enough putting Diggle in the suit tonight.

To hear it from Cali - hear that she was _scared_ of him - was enough to make his throat close up. “I’m not Michael-”

“No, don’t you _dare_ bring him up!” Cali shoved him, and Oliver went without fighting. He could have withstood it, let her exhaust herself, but his entire body felt disconnected. “This has _nothing_ to do with him! This is to do with you and Laurel cheating on Tommy. This is to do with you taking and taking and taking as though you deserve it, or you’re entitled to it. Guess what? You aren’t! Everything you were entitled disappeared once you fucking _died_!”

Somehow it always came back to that. To the _‘Gambit’_. To five years in the company of killers and monsters until Oliver became one himself. Five years away from Starling City, away from his friends and his Mom.

“I didn’t die,” he said lowly, and Cali’s frantic rage stilled in an instant as Oliver gestured to his scarred body. Somehow, she’d missed it in all her shouting. “Okay? I just wasn’t here. I suffered, Calissa, for _five years_.”

“Boo hoo,” she snapped back, clearly unphased by his battle scars. “We all suffered Ollie. And if you think some scars are going to magically make my anger go away, you better think again. We all have scars. Ask Thea about the one by her hairline, or the permanent mark on the back of her scalp where they had to stitch her back together. How about you ask Tommy about the seven inch scar along his right side where he was stabbed one night when he was out drinking on the street because he _missed you_? Fuck it, even Moira has some new marks for the collection.”

But that wasn't the point. It wasn’t about scars. Oliver pressed his palms to his eyes, pressing hard enough that static stars flickered across the blackness. He always hated arguing with Cali. Her explosive temper always made it impossible to keep calm. Arguments devolved into screaming matches, like this one.

“I missed you while I was gone,” he said, dropping his hands. “And I understand that you’re upset, I do. But you’re like a cornered animal when you're scared and wounded. You lash out and you get angry and you push everyone away, but you’re really just hurting.”

Cali’s face crumpled slightly. “You were gone,” she rasped. “You went away and then everything got worse, and then you came back and it still hasn’t gotten better.”

Oliver felt the need to run away creep up his legs. “I didn’t come back to make things better.”

And that was the truth of it, wasn’t it? Oliver wasn't responsible for making everything whole again. He’d come back, and Starling City had heaped responsibility on his shoulders and he hadn’t even had a chance to sleep without dreaming of dying.

Cali scrubbed at her face, using the hair tie on her wrist to pull her up into a messy ponytail. She was pacing again, moving gradually away from Oliver as if she was trying to reach for freedom without Ollie realising. Oliver rifled around for his shirt and pulled it over his head, taking the moment to breathe through his hurricane of emotions.

“You came back just as my life got better,” Cali said, wrapping her arms around her stomach and managing to make herself look smaller than Thea. Oliver wondered if that was something she’d learned from Michael. “And then once you came back everything got worse again. And you’re right, you didn’t come back to fix everything, but you shouldn’t have come back and ruined things either. I could have lived my life without you as the Hood.”

Again, that stab of guilt as Oliver shook his head. “I didn’t want you to know.”

“No, Ollie, it’s not that I could have lived without knowing.” Cali gave him a miserable look. “I needed you not to _be_ the Hood. I just needed you to be Oliver.”

Surely she understood how impossible that was. Oliver could handle being pulled in a lot of directions, but he was already stretched so thin - asking him to give up this battle, surrender his crucible, was like taking scissors to him and disconnecting him from everything else that had gotten him through that island and everything that had followed.

A knock on the door interrupted them, and Cali turned away, hiding her face in the shadows. “Mr Queen,” a voice called through the door. “If you’re entertaining guests upstairs, should I have some drinks sent up?”

“No,” Oliver called back, keeping his eyes on Cali as he moved towards the door. “It’s just me, and I’m on my way back down.” Better to give Cali her privacy and her dignity. Better to not mention Laurel at all.

He’d laid one hand on the doorknob and twisted when the door itself was kicked in, the fake waiter throwing himself at Oliver’s person.

Oliver’s first thought was the gun, and his hands were moving to block the weapon before his brain had caught up with what was happening. The fake waiter attempted to fight back, even as Oliver knocked the gun out of his grip, punched him in the face, and trapped one of his arms in a tight hold.

“What the fuck!” Cali shrieked from somewhere else in the room, but Oliver’s focus was on the man who’d somehow managed to gain enough ground in Oliver’s tight hold to reach for the gun. Desperately, Oliver threw them both over the sofa, tumbling to the ground at Cali’s feet. The fall hurt more than he expected, and he scrambled to get his wits about him even as he used his legs to fling the waiter away.

Fling him right towards the gun.

In between one second and the next, the fake waiter had the gun in his hands and was raising it, intent clear on his face.

A gunshot fired.

And the man fell to the floor.

Cali fell to her knees beside Oliver as the body slumped forward, Detective Lance sweeping the room quickly before watching them with wide eyes. Oliver didn’t bother fighting the silent fight with the man. Not when Cali’s hands were shaking as she helped him to his feet.

“Hey,” he said to her quietly, grabbing one of her hands in his as Lance motioned for them to leave the room. “You okay?”

Cali nodded mutely, but kept her tight grip on his hand as other party-goers came up to investigate the noise. Oliver could hear Lance behind them, talking fast and loud. Probably sending people home, Oliver mused.

Regardless of what was happening, he just kept a hold of Cali’s hand and led her downstairs.

.

Cali happily surrendered her position by Oliver’s side to Thea as the family settled on the couch. Her hands were still shaking, but she felt steady enough to sit by herself, opposite Oliver and Thea. Surprisingly, there was no sign of Moira or Walter.

Cali frowned at her hands. Why would both Moira and Walter be absent at the same time? They wouldn’t be off having sex - they weren’t those kinds of people - so perhaps it was connected to the thing that Walter had wanted to talk to her about. Guilt stabbed her. She hadn’t gone back to Walter after Oliver had been arrested. She hadn’t had the time.

“How did you know I was in trouble?” Oliver asked Lance once the detective got off the phone.

Lance tucked his phone into his pocket. “Because when the guy was fighting you, he broke the ankle monitor.”

When the guy was fighting _Oliver_? Cali kept her scoff to herself. To her, it seemed that Oliver had been the one doing the fighting. The intruder had simply managed to get lucky and land in the same place as the gun.

“Are you all right?!” Moira demanded, sweeping into the room with Walter hot on her heels. Cali watched them carefully, even as Oliver assured his mother he was fine. There was a strange distance between Moira and her husband - something in the way that Walter’s eyes flickered between Moira and the scene in front of him, his lips downturned with far more than displeasure. Unease, maybe. Distrust.

Cali had the unpleasant feeling that perhaps Walter might be going on an extended business trip soon.

“This is on you,” Moira seethed to Lance. “By accusing my son publicly, you’ve made him a target.”

“Do you have any idea who attacked Oliver?” Walter cut in smoothly, but he didn’t move closer. Cali narrowed her eyes. Normally, Walter and Moira would be side-by-side, united in their protection of Robert Queen’s son.

If Cali focused hard enough, she could almost feel Walter’s heartbreak for herself.

“We haven’t identified him,” Lance admitted. “Though it must be someone with a grudge against the Hood, obviously.” He shook his head slightly and crouched by Oliver’s ankle, fiddling with the monitor.

“What are you doing?” Oliver’s asked, the innocent tone a few shades shy of genuine.

Lance gritted his teeth and spared Cali a brief glance. “I got a call from my lieutenant,” he said, standing up with Oliver’s ankle monitor in hand. “An arms dealer was attacked across town tonight.” Oliver’s eyes slitted with victory. “By the vigilante,” Lance continued. “Multiple witnesses put him there. In light of that, all charges against your son are being dropped.”

Cali shifted in her spot, tucking her trembling hands under her legs. She almost wanted Tommy here, wanted him to see this if only to ease his thoughts about Oliver.

“I’m truly sorry for what’s happened to your family, Quinten,” Moira said lowly. “But would you kindly get the hell out of my house?”

Defeated, Lance headed for the door, only to be stopped one last time by Oliver. “Mr Lance?” Oliver leaned forward slightly, Thea’s hand immediately going to support his arm. “Thank you.”

Lance left without another word.

Moira immediately collapsed into one of the lounge chairs, pressing her fingers to her brow bone. Walter stayed where he was and bowed his head. For a moment, just a moment, there was a ringing silence, weighed down by secrets. Cali’s phone buzzed beside her.

A text from Tommy: _‘I’m on my way. Stay at the mansion.’_

Cali turned the phone off without replying. Tommy wasn’t what needed her attention the most right now. “Oliver-” she began, but he held up a hand and she fell silent again. In fact, no one said anything as Oliver shifted himself forward, setting his leg back down and gently brushing off Thea’s touches.

“I’m tired,” he said to Moira, who could only blink at her son. Walter didn’t lift his head. Oliver pressed a kiss to the side of Thea’s head before standing up, shuffling over to Cali. “I’ll text you tomorrow,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “You, me and Diggle. We’ll talk.”

Cali nodded, feeling the phantom imprint of Oliver’s lips even as he drew back. Moira received a hug and Walter a nod before Oliver disappeared out the doorway and left them behind.

“I’m afraid I am rather tired as well,” Walter spoke up, but unlike Oliver, he didn’t wait around or offer an affectionate touch. He simply showed himself out tf the room. Moira hung her head and chewed at her lower lip. Cali noted it all down in her head. Perhaps she’d find out tomorrow, if she asked Walter directly.

But she’d wait, for now. Too many people had been hurt tonight. She wouldn’t dare add to it.

“I don’t know how you did it,” Moira said, more to herself than to anybody in the room. “My son is many things, but open is not one of them anymore.” She lifted her head, locking eyes with Cali, who suddenly found herself frozen in place on the couch. Because Moira looked bitter, and maybe a little mad.

Thea stood up abruptly and left the room without a word. How fitting. The different gradients of saying goodbye. Cali wondered who would leave next - her or Moira - and who would say something when they did.

Her phone buzzed again, presumably another text from Tommy. Cali didn’t touch the device. “I’m sorry if I’ve replaced anyone in Oliver’s life right now,” she said, because she already knew that this was the problem that was keeping Moira up at night. This was the problem that resulted in Thea not being able to look directly at her anymore.

Moira was already shaking her Oliver to trust you so implicitly. Because you two were never close before now. Did it take him dying to make you realise how much you love him?”

Did Cali love him? Well, she knew she cared for him - loved him, really - the same way that Tommy did. In that platonic, familial way. Because Oliver was her family, and he had been before the boat went down and she wasn’t going to make that change now.

But what Moira was implying was almost like a slap to the face. “Oliver isn’t...that,” she said to Moira, whose face was pinched and scrunched in a way that suggested the woman had already been hurt tonight. “I honestly don’t know what I did. I’m sorry.”

“How is it that you, with your problems and your anger and your judgement, have managed to make my boy smile? I can’t even get him to tell me the truth”

“You aren’t the only one he lies to.”

“But I’m the only one he looks at with those eyes!” Moira wrapped her cardigan tighter around herself. “My son doesn’t want me, Calissa, which makes me wonder why he’d want you.”

And-

Cali knew that Moira wasn’t trying to be cruel. She knew what the other woman was trying to say But it _hurt_ , to have that shoved in her face. It wasn’t her fault that she’d overheard Oliver talking to John. It wasn’t her fault that Oliver seemed to like being around her more than he liked being around her brother, or his own damn family. So how could people keep blaming her?

Cali raised her chin. “I’m not going to keep apologising for it.”

Moira looked away, towards the darkened doorway that everyone else in her family had disappeared through. “I just need someone to blame,” she said quietly. “Someone who can stop me from thinking that it’s my fault, that I’ve done something wrong. That Oliver just doesn’t want me. Because if I can imagine that you’ve got some secret about how to get through to him, I can find the strength to keep going.”

“I’m not going to be your scapegoat, Moira.”

“I’m afraid you can’t choose that for other people, dear.”

A clearing of a throat as Raisa appeared, bobbing into a small curtsey. “Tommy Merlyn is here for his sister.”

Moira waved a hand. “Keep him in the foyer, if you would. Calissa will be out momentarily.”

Raisa’s eyes slid to Cali’s, bright with worry, but Cali smiled and the maid bustled off again. Moira watched the interaction with a curled lip. “We took you in,” she said. “After your mother died and Malcolm left you. Robert and I took you and your brother in. And then I did it again after Michael. So please, can you tell me why you’ve taken that generosity, and then proceeded to take everything else from me too? My son. My daughter. My home.”

“I’ve not taken anything from you, Moira.” At least not intentionally. “And if it was so hard for you to take me in again and again, you should have left me with Lyle, at home.”

“You wouldn’t have survived there.”

“Exactly.” Cali stood up. “Me and Tommy were children, and I’m sorry that our innocence hurt you so badly.”

Moira didn’t stop her as she walked out the door. When Cali paused to glance back over her shoulder, Moira’s hunched figure was outlined by the light and she looked for all the world like a statue, permanently engraved with her greatest misery and despair.

Tommy was waiting for her in the foyer, like Moira had instructed, tapping on his phone screen with almost reckless abandon. He wasn’t texting her, because her phone wasn’t buzzing in her hand. When she breathed his name, his head shot up.

“Cali,” he sighed, relieved. He didn’t reach for her though. Didn’t dare tug her into a hug. Cali felt herself wilt. “Are you okay?” Tommy asked, searching her with his eyes, ensuring she didn’t have any damage.

Cali tried for a smile, but it wavered. “I’m fine. Oliver did the fighting. I just stood there.”

Tommy’s eyes flickered. His grip on the phone got tighter. Cali puffed out a breath as her chest squeezed. She didn’t want to sit through a hurtful lecture again. It wasn’t her fault. _Oliver_ wasn’t her fault. “I’m glad he protected you,” was all Tommy said.

Cali just walked past him. “I’m ready to go home,” she said. “Please, just take me home.”

Tommy followed her without another word.

.

When Cali got home, she finally checked the second message. It wasn’t from Tommy like she’d expected. Instead, Laurel’s name stared up at her accusingly.

_‘Please don’t tell Tommy.’_


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janet and Cali are in love but don't know how to communicate. That's it. That's the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm back at it again with the late updates. Enjoy a long-ish chapter as my apology for taking so long. I've finished school now, so hopefully I'll pick up the pace? It might be difficult with a full-time job, but we'll see.
> 
> Also, I feel like this is dragging out way longer than it has to, so I'm hopefully going ot be speeding through some episodes now that I've got a lot of the basework and foundations set up :)
> 
> As always, leave your thoughts in the comments!

_“Will you love me like you loved me and I'll never ask for more”_  
**BIG THIEF - _‘Mary’_**

.

If Naomi gave her another meaningful look from Martha’s desk, Cali was going to fire her.

One more fucking raised eyebrow and Cali wasn’t responsible for her actions

She focused her eyes back down on her paperwork, frowning at the list of requested books. The last title, right at the bottom of the list - hadn’t she just seen that on the old order receipts? They should already have the novel; how the order request had gotten past Brendan and onto her desk for final approval was beyond her. Was their copy in bad condition? If it was, then she should be looking at a replacement request.

Cali gnawed on her pen and added the title to her notepad, where there were about four other books listed for the exact same reason.

“Naomi,” she said distractedly, her co-workers annoying nosiness forgotten for the moment in light of her concerns. “Our copy of _‘Hush, Hush’_ by Becca Fitzpatrick - do you know what condition it’s in?”

Naomi's eyebrows did an impressive rendition of the worm as she allowed her full attention to wander over to Cali’s face. After a moment, she shrugged. “Haven’t ever heard of it, to be honest.” She paused. “Why did you ask?”

Cali waved her notepad in the air. “It’s the latest one in a series of titles that have been requested for us to purchase, but our manifests say that we already have it.”

“So don’t buy it again.”

“But Brendan signed the form, which means that he’s approved a double purchase, which we usually don’t do.”

Naomi shrugged again and looked back down at Martha’s computer, fingers flying across the keyboard. “Maybe he just really likes the book, I don’t know.”

Cali scowled at the woman. “It’s the fifth book that we should already own, but whatever.”

“I don’t know, boss, it’s not my job.”

“It literally is though. Like, that’s actually what we pay you for.”

Naomi shook her head and didn’t respond. Cali plopped her notebook back down on her desk and leaned back in her seat, sighing. She’d have to organise a stocktake soon. Hopefully, by updating the records, they’d find out exactly what books they had and what books she could authorise the purchase of.

Rubbing her temple with one hand, Cali quietly pulled up the rosters on her computer, deciding against paperwork for the moment. A headache was forming rather rapidly, but she was too proud to call up her father and beg for the temporary cure he’d promised her two weeks ago. She’d survived until now without it, and she would survive longer.

Rostering people to work was interesting because only some of her staff worked part-time. Nancy was full-time, and always worked weekdays. Brenden took over Friday and the weekends for Cali, and the shy girl who spent all of her time shelving worked late nights while the library was closed. Naomi and Martha were shift workers, and so were two other workers who could only work weekends due to the fact they were University students.

“Hey boss,” Martha greeted, strutting in with her handbag over her shoulder. She looked particularly dressed up today, with her makeup crisp and her pantsuit unwrinkled. Her heels clicked as she walked.

Cali had never seen her in anything but jeans and boots before.

Naomi whistled appreciatively. “Damn Martha,” she said, rocking back in her chair. “Looking fine today.”

Martha looked unflustered, as only Martha could, but if Cali squinted, she thought she could see hints of pink creeping along her co-workers cheeks. She’d tease her about it another day, when her head wasn’t aching and Martha didn’t have the glazed look of someone who’d toppled into a pit of suffering and hadn’t managed to find their way out.

Cali motioned the woman over, and Martha flung her handbag at Naomi’s head before leaning her weight against Cali’s desk. “Yeah, boss?” She asked dryly.

Cali stared at her for a moment, weighing her options. “You okay?”

Not that it was Cali’s place to pry, but it was her place to check on her staff members. She and Martha had… problems, but the woman had been getting steadily more distant over the past few weeks and Naomi's concern was contagious.

Martha considered her for a moment, her lips tightening with discomfort. “Yeah, boss,” she said quietly. “Better now that I’m here.”

And didn’t that tell Cali the whole damn story. She nodded once and handed Martha a list of book titles. “I need you to look these up in the system and then go out to the shelves and tell me why Branden says we need to replace them.” Better to keep her busy than to let her stew in thoughts about whatever was happening at home.

Martha gave her a not-smile and said sardonically, “Sure thing, boss. Do you want me to make you a coffee as well?”

Cali raised an eyebrow at the banter. It warmed her, knowing that somehow, the genuine loathing between her and Martha had eased into something that akin to comradery. Acceptance. Not quite friendship, and definitely not trust, but mutual understanding and a desire to be soft with women who walked around with weight on their shoulders and shadows in their eyes.

Naomi, at least, waited the hour it took for Martha to start her task out in the shelves before saying, “That was a good thing, boss.” Her voice was unbearably fond, and her gaze never wandered from her computer screen.

Cali smiled down at her paperwork.

The two of them worked in silence for a little while longer, interrupted now and then by Martha coming in with a frown on her face as she nudged Naomi aside to check something on the computer. Nancy, who clocked onto her break two hours after Martha arrived, tapped on Cali’s desk on her way to the break room.

“Sorry to interrupt you, dear,” she said, smiling pleasantly, “but I thought it best to tell you that your brother is sitting in one of our booths out front. I asked him if he was here to see you, but he told me not to disturb you and that he’d come get you himself.”

Cali frowned at the elderly lady. “How long has he been here?”

Nancy’s brows drew together. “Oh, I think an hour or so? I’m not entirely sure, dear, but he’s not making any moves to come in here and get you so I thought I’d send you out to him.”

Cali dug through her facial expressions until she could put on a smile and thanked Nancy as the old woman tottered off to the break room. As soon as the break room door closed, the smile splintered and crumpled into a frown.

It wasn’t that Tommy wasn’t welcome in the Starling City Library, it was that he never bothered making the trip if he wasn’t here for her.

Troubled, Cali put her computer monitor to sleep and tidied up her documents. She’d go out and just make sure that Tommy was alright. He’d been acting strange after Oliver’s party two weeks ago - not that he’d been present at it in the first place - and the familiar tightening in her chest prompted her to get up and head out the door to the main floor of the library.

It was probably nothing, she tried to reassure herself as she passed the front desk. Tommy had probably just been busy with Laurel and wanted some quiet time to himself. The thought of Tommy with the Lance girl made Cali’s stomach squeeze; memories of Oliver’s party flickered through her mind.

Nancy had mentioned the booths out the front, so Cali combed through them all until she reached the last one, nestled deep in the back corner, away from general view. Tommy was sitting there, phone on the table but not turned on. A pensive frown marred his features.

Cali let out a slow breath. Right. Not just ‘a moment to himself’, then.

“What’s this I hear about you lurking in my library and scaring my customers?” Cali joked lightly, settling into the seat opposite her brother. Tommy’s mouth twitched, but ultimately the joke fell flat. “How was, uh, Laurel’s fundraiser that you threw? I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.”

Tommy tilted his head slightly. “It was okay, I guess. Thea kind of… got drunk and said some things.”

Cali groaned to herself. “The things she said didn’t happen to have anything to do with the fact that she has a giant crush on you and thought you were doing something nice for her?”

Tommy shifted uncomfortably. “How long has that been going on?” He asked unsteadily. “Cause man, I had no clue.”

Cali’s only response was a sigh.

The conversation stopped at an awkward point, as each Merlyn sibling waited for the other to make the first move. Cali leaned forward. Tommy leaned away. Her ease was tempered by the twisting sense of knowing that made her chest ache. She swallowed and asked, “You okay?”

Tommy shifted his eyes up to her. They were strangely vacant; it was the look Tommy always wore when something was troubling him deeply and he didn’t know how to talk about it. Cali’s tongue felt thick in her mouth - surely he didn’t know about Laurel and Oliver. Surely neither of those two had given it away.

“Sorry,” Tommy said, voice tired. He rubbed his temple. “I didn’t want to disturb your work.”

“Some people are worth the disturbance.” Cali ran a critical eye over him for any outward damage. Finding none, she leaned forward and crossed her arms on the table. “Talk to me.”

For a moment, Tommy didn’t. In fact, he seemed as though he would get up and run at any sudden movement. Which, admittedly, did nothing for Cali’s hopes for this conversation. If Tommy didn’t want to talk about it, then he wasn’t going to talk about it. There was really nothing she could do but hover worriedly and swallow back her desperate apologies.

Tommy sighed, forcing away the glazed look and settling more firmly into his thoughts. He offered her a small smile. “Sorry,” he said again. “I just… have a bit of a problem.”

Cali splayed her hands slightly, and considered telling him that everybody had problems. She reconsidered the words when Tommy seemed to deflate slightly. “Well,” she decided, “do tell. I love a bit of gossip.”

A strange expression stole over Tommy’s face for a moment before he settled again. “You see,” he started fingers twitching towards his phone before returning to their original position, “I know this girl. She and I have always been close, but lately she just keeps lying to me and hiding things from me, and I don’t know how to make her tell me the truth.”

Right, so he definitely knew about Oliver and Laurel, and this was her punishment. “Tommy, I…” Cali trailed off hopelessly, shaking her head slightly. What could she tell him? There was nothing she could use to defend herself, no excuse to leap to her defense. She’d seen Laurel cheating on her brother and she’d done nothing.

Well, actually she’d done something. She’d _kept it a secret too._

Of course Tommy was angry with her. Of course he was hesitant to disturb her, because after Michael, Tommy had found it almost impossible to actually get angry at her because he was so terrified of her disappearing again. Figures that it would Oliver that would break that pattern.

Not all of the warmth had left Tommy’s face though. “I know you’d never keep anything really bad from me,” he said, backtracking on his harshness. “You just...you keep spending more and more time with Oliver, and he’s more comfortable around you. He has to be telling you things, bub, and I’m...I think I’m just hurting that he didn’t choose _me_.”

So...He didn’t know about Ollie and Laurel?

For some reason, that made Cali feel worse.

“Did you talk to Moira or something?” She asked dryly, processing Tommy’s accusations. He just blinked quizzically at her. She waved flippantly. “She said pretty much the same thing to me after the party, nevermind.”

Tommy shifted uncomfortably. “I understand wanting to help Oliver get over being on that island for five years, but there’s a point where…” Tommy paused and took a big breath, sorting through his thoughts. “I know it’s Oliver’s choice as to who he lets in,” he said slowly, “but I don’t think it should be you.”

Stung, Cali recoiled, pulling her arms off the table and tucking them against her stomach. “What?”

“No, you misunderstand me.” Tommy groaned in frustration. “Let me try again. Oliver’s always taken your support for granted. Don’t give me that look, you know he has. And then when Michael came along, you were forced to support yourself as well, with no help. You’re still recovering from that, and I’m worried that having Oliver dump his trauma on you is just gonna push you back down to where you were when you were with Michael.”

Oh.

That was actually a rather sweet reason for being an overprotective ass. Cali tilted her head down until her chin touched her chest, her tumultuous thoughts building inside her head until it was a cacophony of incoherent noise. What was she supposed to say to that? What did Tommy want from her? Did he want her to stop being friends with Oliver? How could he ask her for that?

How could Cali possibly live with herself, knowing that she’d abandoned Oliver to a life full of solitude and suffering just because Oliver had chosen not to tell his best friend that he dressed up in a suit and shot people with arrows?

“Hey.” Tommy gently rapped his knuckles against the table to get her attention. Cali looked back up at him. His eyes were earnest, at least. “I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, I’m just saying that maybe a burden shared is a burden halved. I’m worried about you, especially after what our father told us.”

Honestly, Malcolm and his serum was the farthest thing from Cali’s mind right now. It would have to be dealt with eventually, but not right now. Not when she was managing her headaches. Not when Tommy was asking her to give up Oliver’s secrets.

It was almost like her brother didn’t know her at all.

Cali blew out a breath and closed her eyes for a moment. Here she was again, torn between two worlds - torn between her brother and Oliver Queen. And normally Tommy would be her choice, would always be her choice, but there’d been such a vulnerability to Oliver when he’d finally sat her down next to John and explained what was happening.

She couldn’t give him up to Tommy. She couldn’t turn her back on her friend. Not even for her brother. And it wasn’t fair, because Tommy had raised her and raised himself after Malcolm had left. Tommy had pushed her again and again and then he’d cleaned her up when Michael broke her. He’d brought her home.

Now, he was asking her to open herself up again.

And Cali found that she just… couldn’t.

“What Oliver tells me is between me and Oliver,” she said, opening her eyes and looking anywhere but Tommy. “You know I love you, Tommy, but you should also know that I value people’s need for secrecy. If Oliver wants you to know things, he’d tell you.”

Tommy’s eyes shuttered, his tentative warmth overtaken by a bitterness that Cali hadn’t seen in him for five years. Not since the old Oliver had walked out on Tommy’s secret. “I thought we had an agreement that we wouldn’t keep secrets from each other.”

But that wasn’t _fair_. Because it wasn’t Cali keeping secrets from him, it was Oliver. It was always Oliver. Cali just had the misfortune of being the one person that everybody told everything. She was the damn secret keeper through no choice of her own, and look where that had gotten her.

Her eyes latched onto the wall just past his shoulder. “They aren’t my secrets to tell.”

Tommy scoffed. “If they aren’t your secrets to tell, then they aren’t your secrets to keep.”

And yeah, he was right. They weren’t Cali’s secrets to keep. But she wasn’t going to give them up. Not when they were Oliver’s secrets, and to give them up to Tommy would obliterate the foundation of Oliver and Tommy’s friendship. She couldn’t have that on her conscience. Not when Ollie had only just gotten back.

“I’m sorry,” she said helplessly, proud that her voice didn’t break, “but keeping Oliver’s secrets is what I’ve always done. I’m not going to stop now.”

“You aren’t his confession journal, Calissa.”

“That’s not what’s happening here.” Cali kept her chin raised definitely as Tommy’s mouth twisted into a snarl, even as he nodded. Her throat tightened. She knew how this would go now; Tommy’s temper always followed a particular pattern.

First, he’d go quiet. He’d isolate himself. He’d swallow back his angry words and he’d ignore your texts and he’d make you wait. Because this was him processing, and thinking, and justifying his anger. But then, during that period of distance, his emotions would grow. Betrayal would creep in, miserable rage to replace dry anger. A deep-rooted sadness would spring up. Tommy’s feelings had always led to tears.

After the cold-shoulder approach, you’d have to brace for the blows. Not physical - it was never physical when Tommy was actually, genuinely angry - but verbal lashes, words thrown like punches. He’d spit venomous sentences, using his pain like a weapon, cutting down everyone who’d hurt him.

Cali had been on the receiving end of his cruel words before, many times.

It hurt.

But after a while, Tommy would calm down. He’d rationalise. He’d talk it out. He wouldn’t apologise, not quite, but his desperate hold on that painful memory would ease. Healing would begin. He’d start to forgive - never forget - but forgive.

It wouldn’t be pleasant, this time, but eventually the storm would pass. Cali could survive this. It would scar her, and it would hurt, but she’d make it through.

“Tommy,” she tried after another moment of tense silence, but her brother was already fleeing from the booth, his feet taking him towards the door and out into the city.

For a cold, lengthy moment, Cali just… sat. There was nothing else for her to do but put her face in her hands and take measured breaths until the pressure behind her eyes went away. Her chest seized up. She should’ve known that Tommy wouldn’t understand her obligations to Oliver.

She should’ve known.

She was tired of being made to choose between the people she loved. It wasn’t fair, and the choice she made was always the wrong one. What was the criteria for something like that? Choose the person who’d been by her side the longest? Choose the person who’d helped her through the toughest situation? Choose the person she loved more?

It was all subjective, but again and again people told her she made the wrong choice. How can there be a wrong choice in those scenarios? How could she choose between her friends and then make the _right_ choice? That wasn’t how friendship worked.

That was how her relationship with Michael had been - and Michael had been her abuser.

A hand ghosted over her shoulder. “You okay boss?” Ah, Martha. Ever the one who had to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, seeing all the things that Cali wanted nobody to see.

“Yeah,” Cali sighed, dropping her hands and readying herself to slide out of the booth. “Just… I don’t know. I’m fine now, thank you.” It didn’t matter that was mostly a lie, right? Like, it wasn’t going to end with God striking Cali down with a lightning bolt for lying to her co-worker, who was starting to look more and more genuinely concerned.

Cali rose without another word and hurried back to the office, pretending that Martha hadn’t seen the tears that were bubbling in her eyes, and Naomi wasn’t witness to the quiet meltdown that crashed over her like a wave.

She had two hours left of her shift. She could make it.

.

Janet answered the phone after the first ring, greeting Cali with a bubbly, “Calicious!”

“Cal-what?” Cali’s smile felt painful, her lips twisting all the wrong ways as she got into her car and started it up. “What did you call me?”

“Calicious,” Janet repeated, with no less pep.

Cali waited until her phone hooked up to the car’s Bluetooth before talking again, easing out of her parking spot. “And where did that come from?”

There was a rustling sound on Janet’s end, like she was lying in bed and had rolled over, shifting the sheets. “Well, you’re Cali, right?” She puffed out a quiet laugh and Cali’s heart thumped desperately. “And you’re delicious! So, you put the two together and you get-”

“ _Calicious_?” Cali guessed, surrendering a laugh of her own when Janet hummed an affirmative. “Sometimes you worry me.”

“Why would I worry you? Why wouldn’t I amaze you? I’m clearly a genius, CC!”

Cali’s smile got softer, more fond. Some of the clawing darkness cleared from her chest. “You worry and amaze me in equal measure,” she said. “Is that better?”

Janet made some sort of victorious huffing sound. “Have you finished work yet?” she asked, her voice going distant as there was more rustling. Cali recognised the sound of a cat purring over the speaker and relaxed even more.

“Yeah, I’m on my way to yours,” she said. “Is that Checkers on the phone?”

Janet’s tinkling laugh sounded again. “I’ve got you on speaker, and apparently he thought that meant he could come and say hello.” The purring deepend for a moment, the vibrations powerful enough through the car’s speakers that Cali could feel it travel up her arms, before it faded. Clearly, Checkers had gotten bored with the call.

Something about the situation made Cali long for Jasper. He’d passed away shortly after Tommy had brought Cali back to Starling City, from a cancerous cell growing on his lungs. Whatever part of Cali that had survived Michael had dissolved after that.

The fact that Cali’s girlfriend had a cat of her own made her all that much more perfect.

“I’ve ordered pizza,” Janet said, regaining control over the call now that Checkers had left. “I couldn’t be bothered cooking. I’ve got cheese, pepperoni, and vegetarian options on their way.”

“God, I love you,” Cali blurted thoughtlessly, too caught up in the whirlwind of pizza and cats and this wonderful waitress who’d managed to attach herself to every inch of Cali’s heart to really think about what that statement _meant_.

Neither of them had ever mentioned the ‘love’ thing before. Cali had been too scared - Tommy, Oliver, Laurel, and Thea were the only others she’d ever said the words to after Michael - and Janet had never broached the topic at all. They hadn’t been dating long. Was it too soon?

Going by the silence on the other end of the line, it was _definitely_ too soon.

Cali was just gearing up to play it off as a joke when Janet spoke. “Oh.” Her voice was quiet, subdued. Cali’s grip on the steering wheel was tight enough that she lost feeling in the tips of her fingers. “Should we talk about that when you get here?”

Right. Talk.

Cali knew what king of talk was going to happen. Janet was going to sit her down and say, ‘thank you for the ride, time to get off at the station.’ There were no good endings for people who were _talked_ to. She could see it now, could imagine the words leaving Janet’s mouth. Her chest tightened almost unbearably.

Things had been going so _well_ and she’d messed it up with three little words. She was always doing this, always saying the wrong things and making the wrong choices. It always blew up in her face. Of course Janet wouldn’t react well to a declaration of love, not when it was coming from Cali.

“CC? Are you still there?”

Cali choked on her breath, but managed a squeaky, “Yeah.” She swallowed, tears bubbling in her eyes. Her throat was hot and hurting. “We’ll talk soon.”

She hung up.

Music played softly through the stereo, the car automatically resuming her bluetooth streaming after the phone call ended. Cali’s fingers were shaking as she jabbed the power button. She couldn’t right now. She needed silence. She needed time and space to prepare herself for the breakup.

She should’ve known that her and Janet weren’t going to be forever. Nobody good stayed around her, not when they didn’t have to. And they’d had a good run. It had been nice, the months they’d had together. It was just… time for Janet to move on to bigger and better things.

Exhaling heavily through her nose, Cali flicked her left hand indicator on, exiting off the highway. She’d bring some milkshakes as a peace offering - no hard feelings and all that. Maybe she could salvage this trainwreck, keep something good out of it. Her and Janet could still be friends. Cali and Tommy could still have lunch at Miko’s.

Cali’s fingers twitched on the steering wheel. Her bluetooth connected. “Call Thea,” she instructed quietly, leaning her head back on the driver’s seat. Thea’s number dialled and the line rung, and rung, and rung.

“Before you say anything,” Thea said in a rush, answering the call just before it rang out, “the love confession was never meant to happen. I was drunk off my ass, and I’m already embarrassed enough without you teasing me. Oh god, did Tommy tell you? Or was it Laurel? Oh, I bet everybody knows about it now. I made such a fool of myself-”

“Thea,” Cali interrupted gently. “Relax.”

Thea blew out a frazzled breath and flopped on her bed. The sudden sound resulted in Cali immediately turning down the volume of the call. “I can’t believe I told Tommy,” Thea said miserably. “I can’t believe I thought he was doing something for _me_ and not for Laurel! How could I have been so _stupid_?”

“Love makes you crazy,” Cali said flatly.

Thea snorted. “Well, I guess I better leave the whole ‘love’ thing to losers like you and Janet.” There was a pause in which Thea obviously expected Cali to return the quip, or to say something. When no response came, Thea continued, “How’s that all going by the way? Do I hear wedding bells?”

And wow, okay, Cali really hadn’t wanted to get to this so quickly. Sure, she’d called Thea to talk about the whole ‘I love you’ incident, but when Thea had started babbling about her own romantic problems, Cali had selfishly clung to the hope that she could get out of talking about it. 

She swallowed tightly and parked her car, waiting for her bluetooth to disengage after she killed the engine before continuing the call through her phone. “We’ve only been together a few months,” she offered, getting out of the car and locking it. “No way we’re getting married already.”

Thea groaned. “You’re literally pursuing the romance of a lifetime, why are you so stingy with it? At least tell me you’ve said the ‘L’ word.”

Cali grimaced. “That’s kind of what I called you about.”

As quickly as she could, she explained the situation to her friend, using a self-serve kiosk to order and pay for two vanilla-musk milkshakes. A quick glance at the counter told her she probably should’ve just gone through the Drive-Thru.

Thea didn’t say anything for a while after Cali finished talking. In that period of science and contemplation, Cali’s milkshakes were fast-tracked and handed to her long before anybody else got their orders. The perks of being rich and famous, she supposed.

(Usually, she’d feel bad about it, but today was not a day to stop and be humble. Today was a day for getting caught up in her own issues and forgetting about the little people - just like Malcolm always did.)

“Right,” Thea said finally, once Cali had made it back out to her car and connected the call through bluetooth once more. Her voice was suspiciously even and bland. “Okay. So you told Janet you loved her - because you do, and that’s adorable - but she didn’t _immediately_ say it back and instead asked to talk about it, and now you think the relationship is over.”

Cali frowned at the traffic, trying to detect what exactly it was in Thea’s tone that gave her a bad feeling in her chest. It wasn’t that Thea was blaming her for anything, but there was a distinct edge to her words that made Cali wonder if Thea thought she was some kind of idiot. Which wasn’t inaccurate, but it was still kind of offensive.

“There’s clearly something you want to say to me, critter, so just say it.”

Thea’s words burst out of her, as if she’d been waiting for the invitation. “Cali, honey, I love you, but you are _so daft_.” Cali made a small noise, but Thea plowed right over her. “No, listen. Janet loves you. It’s really obvious. So consider the fact that your situation with Michael went public. There’s no way Janet doesn’t know about it. She probably didn't say it back because she doesn't know what your triggers are.”

A completely valid point, but Cali still wasn’t convinced. “Then why not tell me that?” She argued, jerking the wheel a little too harshly as she made a left hand turn. “She could have explained why she wanted to talk it over. Michael always-” She cut herself off.

That was really the crux of the issue, wasn't it? ‘Michael did this’ and ‘Michael did that’. It was all about what _Michael_ used to do. What Janet and Cali had was nothing like that, and it was unfair of her to treat it like it was. But it was _hard_ because Cali hadn’t really had a chance for any other serious relationships, so she had limited experience to compare.

“My biggest regret is not breaking Michael’s stupid face,” Thea said lowly, voice thin and sharp.

“Thea-”

“I let him beat you. I let him abuse you and hurt you and take you away from us and from Tommy, and I’ll never forgive myself for it. I should’ve done more.”

Michael…. Michael had been her Prince Charming, once. He’d kept her protected and safe and happy; there was no way Thea could be blamed for not noticing when that protection became suppression. “I never let you help me,” Cali said. “That’s on me.”

“What he did to you is on him,” Thea said firmly, “and it shouldn’t stop you from having a kick-ass girlfriend. Grow some balls, go see Janet, and fix your relationship before I have to watch my last chance to have a vicarious romance disappear because my dumb friend has trauma.”

Cali’s fingertips tapped a pretty rhythm on her steering wheel. “Shut up and go pine over Tommy,” she said brightly, and ended the call.

.

The first thing Janet did when Cali opened the apartment door was fling herself rather dramatically into Cali’s arms, apparently completely missing the two milkshakes Cali had in either hand. “Woah!” Cali cried, forced to retreat a step so that they didn’t topple over and spill out into the hallway. “Watch the milkshakes!”

“I’m so sorry!” Janet wailed, still attached to Cali’s front. “Oh my god, I didn’t think about how it must’ve sounded to you! It’s not a bad thing that you love me, I love you too!”

Really, Cali just wanted to put the milkshakes down. Her fingers were uncomfortably cold.

Rather awkwardly, she manouvered herself and Janet over towards the kitchen bench, depositing both milkshakes as smoothly as she could without forcefully dislodging her girlfriend. Once her hands were empty, she wrapped her arms around Janet and held her as tightly as Janet was holding her.

“You love me?” She repeated quietly.

Janet drew back enough to look up into Cali’s face. Her eyes were warm. “Yes.” Her mouth twitched up. “More-so now that you’ve bought me a milkshake.”

Cali startled into laughter, feeling the rising tension in her chest break. Janet didn’t hate her. Janet wasn’t upset or disgusted by her. Not yet.

That didn’t mean that Janet wasn’t going to break up with her. Cali could feel it in her bones.

(Nobody stayed around her longer than they had to.)

“Vanilla-musk!” Janet cheered, untangling herself from Cali’s body and grabbing at one of the milkshakes. She kept the straw between her teeth as she looked balefully at Cali “I can’t believe you cheated on Miko’s. What has this world come to?”

Cali offered her a shrug, her fond smile feeling noticeably more wooden than it had a minute ago. “Nobody makes them as well as you do,” she explained sheepishly, “and I didn’t want milkshakes from Miko’s that weren’t made by you.”

Janet took another sip, flicking the straw out of her mouth with her tongue afterwards. Cali tried very hard not to be distracted. “You’re the sweetest,” Janet said lovingly. “Which is why we really need to talk about the whole ‘I love you’ thing.”

Chills crashed through Cali’s body, clinging to her bones and raking over her skin. Sticky fear pooled at the base of her spine. “I’m sorry,” she blurted, wrapping her arms around her stomach, trying to hold herself together from the outside. A deep thumping ricocheted around her ears. It was her pulse - rapid and panicked and desperate.

For a long moment, Janet just studied her.

It was a heavy look, pressing in on Cali’s body as Janet searched for something that was apparently hidden between the layers of Cali’s being. “Okay,” Janet said slowly. “We can start there.”

What were they starting? Was this a test of some kind? If Janet wasn’t going to break up with her, then Cali needed to figure out what answers her girlfriend was looking for. Cali’s palms were damp with sweat. She could feel it trickle down her shoulders.

“Start?” She said nervously.

Janet’s expression, if possible, got sadder. “What do you think is going to happen here?” She asked gently, setting her milkshake down next to Cali’s untouched one. Cali tracked the motion and then kept her eyes on the two cups. “CC? C’mon, I need you to talk to me about this. What do you think I’m trying to do here?”

The problem was that Cali didn’t _know_.

She’d thought that Janet was upset by the ‘L’ word, but that didn’t seem to be the case at all. So maybe she was trying to end the relationship - but that didn’t make sense either. Thea’s suggestion rang in Cali’s head, that Janet was trying to figure out what she could and couldn’t say around Cali.

But who would put that much effort in? Tommy had, but he’d been obligated to because he’d lived with her. Thea already knew most of her triggers, but only because she’d been involved in the situation with Michael.

Janet shouldn’t need to put so much effort into the relationship. If she was so worried about something like that, then clearly Cali wasn’t holding herself together tightly enough. Clearly something was still leaking through. Janet didn’t deserve that weight on her shoulders. Cali’s trauma was her own to deal with.

“Okay, this isn’t working.” Janet shook her head and blew out a breath. Cali shrank back; she was being unhelpful, frustrating. Michael had once tried to train that out of her.

She was _trying_.

“Sorry,” she said again. “Let me just-” She broke off, frowning at the milkshake cups. “Sorry. I don’t know the answer you’re looking for.”

Janet didn’t dare try and touch her, which Cali appreciated. She just stood there and waited until Cali had enough courage to look up, eyes fixed on the freckles that were splattered across Janet’s cheeks instead of focusing on her eyes. “There you are,” Janet said lovingly, but the warmth was dominated by the heartache that was plainly painted across her expression. “This isn’t a test, angel. I want you to talk to me - tell me what I’m doing that scares you so much.”

Cali bit her lip, bit back the instinctual urge to blurt that she wasn’t scared. She didn’t like lying to Janet, and she was scared. She was terrified, and she didn’t know how _not_ to say that. “I’m not scared of _you_ ,” she settled on.

Janet nodded encouragingly. “Okay. That’s good. What are you scared of, then?”

“I don’t want you to break up with me.”

Understanding broke through the sadness, and Janet hummed to herself in thought, watching her with a new-found perspective. “There we go,” she murmured. “That’s the problem here, isn’t it? You think I’m going to dump you.”

Well now Cali felt like an idiot. A scared idiot, but an idiot. Maybe Thea had been right. Maybe.

She rubbed at her arms self-consciously, lightly scratching at her wrist. “This is stupid.”

“No,” Janet corrected, “this is stuff that I need to know. I’m not a mind-reader, CC, and believe or not, your thoughts aren’t public knowledge. You’ve gotta let me know what you’re thinking.” Cali flushed scarlet. Janet smiled. “Why don’t we practice? What are you thinking about right now?”

Michael.

Cali had her mouth open to respond - she wasn’t going to lie to Janet - but the name got caught in her throat and she only ended up staying silent. That name was poison, and would kill whatever fledgling bond was building in this moment. Because if Cali brought up Michael, then Janet would look at her with pity and Cali would lose whatever battle they were silently fighting.

So instead, she swallowed and said, “I’m glad that I found you.”

Janet’s smile pinched, like she knew that Cali was hiding something, but then her face smoothed out again as she let the suspicion go. “I’m glad I found you too,” she agreed. “Now come on, I’ve got the original Star Trek series loaded on Netflix. We’re finally about to start season 2.”

Cali acquiesced with a practiced grin, picking up her milkshake and following Janet to the lounge. “I don’t have many problems with Star Trek and their treatment of space,” she said, “but for fuck’s sake, why does nobody understand that once you have momentum in space, you continue that momentum without the need for engines. The only time you need external power is when you come up on, like, a planet, or something that has gravity.”

“Oh hush.” Janet nestled into the couch and then waited with raised brows while Cali simply flopped on top of her, head resting in her lap. “We can’t all be as smart as you.”

“I’m not smart,” Cali protested. “It’s common sense!”

Janet tugged on a piece of hair. “Shut up and watch the show.”

(-nails in her hair, pulling and yanking, and somebody was screaming-

-it was her, she was screaming-

- _let go let go letgoletgoletgo_ -)

Cali smiled at the screen and let herself gently drift off to sleep with Janet’s hand in her hair and Michael's name branded on her heart.

.

Cali’s phone buzzed angrily from underneath her leg, interrupting her quiet doze. Star Trek was still playing in the background, signalling that it hadn’t been long since she’d drifted off. A finger poked her face as she opened one eye and then closed it again.

“I’m not rewinding the episodes you missed,” Janet said, faux irritation in her voice. “You’ll just have to go without.”

“But Jan-” Cali whined.

“Nope.” Janet shook her head. “Nope, none of that. You fall asleep during TV time, you miss out.”

Cali rolled her eyes playfully, wriggling her hand under her calf and fishing out her phone. She squinted at the bright screen, tapping on Tommy’s message to open it. ‘ _Oliver just threatened to kill me.’_

Well.

That was new.

Before she could say or do anything, another text came through from Tommy. ‘ _Granted, he was being protective over Laurel.’_

_‘He said he was kidding afterwards. I don’t know what that means.’_

_‘Also, I don’t know if you know, but someone shot at his mom like, a few hours ago, so he’s kind of in a bad mood I guess.’_

_‘He’s not actually going to kill me, right?’_

Cali could only blink down at the flurry of messages, waiting for comprehension to kick in. Oliver had said what? And it was about Laurel? Someone had taken shots at Moira? She was honestly so damn confused.

Janet twitched her leg to get Cali’s attention. “Who is it?”

Cali rolled over slightly to look up at her. She frowned. “Tommy. Do you know anything about shots fired in the city? Apparently, Moira Queen was in line of fire. She’s safe, I think, but I didn’t hear anything about it.”

“I heard something about a shooting with one casualty, but they never mentioned Moira.” Janet looked troubled. “I’ll pull up a news report.”

Cali tapped out a quick text to Oliver - _‘wtf did you threaten to kill my brother?? Also is your mom okay??’_ \- before returning to the thread between herself and Tommy. She sent back a simple, _‘jesus h christ, what the actual fuck is happening over there’_ before shutting off her phone and rubbing at her eyes. She was too tired for this bullshit.

She huffed a breath to herself. “Welcome to another week in Starling City,” she said to Janet, just as Janet pulled up a news report and cast it to the TV screen.

Together, they began to read.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cali finds out about Helena. Tommy finds out he's been cut off. Cali makes some calls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter this time, guys, sorry. I haven't had much time or motivation, so I'm trying to pump a lot of episodes out in a short amount of chapters. It's probably why the quality is kind of terrible this time.
> 
> In other news, I've graduated and am moving into a full time job in the next few months, so I'll have some more time on my hands?
> 
> Love you all!
> 
> As always, leave your thoughts in the comments!

_“Sooner or later it all comes apart  
The walls are all shattered, I'm back at the start”_   
**CORVYX - _‘Fall on Me’_**

.

“You took someone out to dinner?” Cali repeated incredulously, staring at Oliver over the top of her milkshake. “And she was a woman? And she didn’t immediately kiss you or throw something at you? You really have changed.”

Oliver frowned at her. “That’s mean.”

Cali shrugged and stole one of his fries. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

Oliver’s silence was pointed - he may as well have been pouting. “She did try to shoot me. Like, with a gun. Does that make you happy?”

Cali considered the question, and envisioned the scenario that might have occured. “Were you the Vigilante at the time?” Oliver nodded wordlessly. Cai shrugged and stole another one of his fries. “Well, I guess she was justified in it.”

“Hey!” Oliver threw his untouched napkin at her. “She also killed several other men while she was there!”

Cali shrugged again and finished her milkshake in one final mouthful. “So she’s a morally grey woman, raised in a mob family, who learned how to shoot a gun - which isn’t really illegal in this country. Good on her.”

Oliver leaned back in his seat and pushed his mostly empty plate towards Cali, who descended on his leftover fries like a rabid seagull. “Is this punishment for threatening Tommy?” He asked defeatedly. “Cause I thought you were on my side.”

“You told him you’d snap his neck!”

“Only if he hurt Laurel.”

Cali’s jovial face froze, and Oliver winced. Okay. Noted. Don’t talk about Laurel with the person who’d caught you kissing Laurel while Laurel was being courted by Tommy. Which sounded worse and worse every time Oliver thought about it. Well, it wasn’t like Oliver set out to hurt his best friend - and besides, he potentially had a second date with Helena, if he could play his hand right.

Cali settled back in her seat, abandoning the food. Oliver fought against the shame that crawled up the side of his neck and settled across his face in the form of a hot flush. “Don’t say it,” he said quietly. “I know.”

Cali sat for another moment, and Oliver sat with her and let her be. He’d made a mistake, and Cali had every right to be angry at him for it. Honestly, it was touching - cute even - to see her defend her brother’s honour so valiantly.

(And if Oliver’s shame at kissing Laurel was strong, the shame he felt at his treatment of Tommy would drown him in an instant if he let himself really feel it.)

“My brother,” Cali said slowly, quietly, “means more to me than anything, anyone, ever will. You’ve hurt him many times, even before that damned boat went down five years ago. And then you come back, and you hurt him again. You kiss Laurel, knowing full well that Tommy had put his heart and soul into cultivating that relationship. You leave him to be swamped by the press on the side of the road. You confuse him and scare him, and then you threaten to kill him? If I was a better woman, Oliver, then yes, I would serve your punishment.” The fire in her eyes flickered and went out. Tiredness took its place. Cali sighed. “But I am not a better woman, so you and your man parts live another day.”

Oliver took a long drink from his glass of water.

By God, Calissa Merlyn was terrifying.

And it wasn’t anything that Oliver didn’t already know, which somehow made it worse. He’d never been as good to Tommy as he should have been. Somewhere, in those early years, a young Oliver Queen had decided that Tommy was the person to take his frustrations out on. Because Tommy kept coming back and coming back and coming back and nothing that Oliver did would chase him away.

And Oliver had used that and abused that. It had become a habit, to treat Tommy like something expendable. Something useful. Something that was less important than the glitz and glam of the high-life.

Oliver had come back to Starling City five years later and done exactly the same thing. He’d chosen everyone else over Tommy, _again_ , and Tommy was still waiting patiently at his side, _again_. So yes, Cali had every right to be angry with him. Oliver wouldn’t fight her on this.

“I’m sorry,” he offered her, because that’s all he had left.

An apology for the wrong damn sibling.

Cali appraised him, her eyes sharp and probing. After an unbearably long moment in which Oliver fiddled with the cuffs of his black sweater and tapped his empty glass and fidget his feet, Cali shrugged and said, “Let Helena Bertinelli shoot at you again and we’ll call it even.”

Oliver wrinkled his nose. “She’s such a bad shot, though, so she might actually hit me.”

Cali just winked.

Before the conversation could progress any further, Cali’s phone trilled with an incoming call, buzzing on the table. A quick glance at the screen disclosed that it was Tommy calling; Oliver sank back in his seat and nodded for Cali to answer.

“Tom-Tom!” Cali greeted cheerfully, any sort of heavy, aching emotion wiped away from her voice. “What brings you to me phone on this fine afternoon-” She broke off as Tommy’s voice got louder and louder, until even Oliver could hear him from where he was sitting. Clearly, the news wasn’t good. It took a lot to get Tommy aggressively raging.

There was a glint to Cali’s eyes though, that made Oliver wonder if the name Malcolm Merlyn had been used.

That would do it for Tommy.

“First of all,” Cali said, once Tommy stopped shouting. “Lower the damn volume. My ears are sensitive. Second of all, why didn’t you punch him in his stupid face?”

Yep, Oliver grimaced, definitely Malcolm.

Cali sighed and rubbed at her face. “Okay,” she said finally. “Go to my place, walk it off, whatever. I’ll meet you at my apartment in half an hour, and then we can go to Miko’s and you can tell me all of this again in better detail. Okay?”

Oliver could just make out a grumbled agreement before Tommy ended the call and Cali set her phone down. “Family trouble?” He guessed carefully, raising an eyebrow innocently. “What’s Malcolm done now?”

Cali shook her head and scratched lightly at her wrist, face twisted with disgust. “He’s cut Tommy off. Like, completely. No trust fund, no credit cards, no money at all. And he says it’s because Tommy’s irresponsible and whatever, but I think it’s just because he knows that Tommy’s starting to settle down. Or maybe it’s because he thinks Tommy’ll come crawling back to him, pleading for forgiveness. Maybe it’s to get at me, I don’t fucking know.”

“Are your funds intact?”

Cali’s twisted features loosened with dismay. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “If they aren’t, I’ll be okay anyway. I don’t use much of my inheritance, because of my job at the Library. Besides, I carry cash a lot of the time.”

Oliver nodded tersely. If he was a better man, he’d go out tonight and shoot Malcolm Merlyn dead.

But this wasn’t his fight to win.

“Oliver, I’m sorry.” Cali gathered her things and gave him an apologetic look. “I gotta go and try and sort this out. Apologise to Thea and Moira with me? I know they were excited to have some girl time with me.”

Oliver stood up as well and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. For a moment, he could vividly remember the heavy-handed sting of island wind on his face, the taste of Lian Yu on his tongue. His softness washed away by the hardened skin he’d learned to grow under the careful guidance of Slade Wilson.

For a moment, he was the Hood. Then, Cali’s cheek twitched and all at once he was in Oliver Queen’s body again.

“Do what you need to do,” he said earnestly, pulling back and stepping aside so that Cali had a clear path to the door. “I’m grateful for the time you spent with me. I’m sure Thea will find some other time to hang out.”

Cali gave him a smile, tight but genuine, and then vanished out the door of the restaurant without a backwards glance and Oliver was left alone to sit back down at an empty table set for two.

.

Tommy would take blame for the fact that they never ended up at Miko’s. He would take the blame for a lot of things, really, including but not limited to: breaking a glass over Cali’s sink, slamming his hand on the bench and frightening her, taking up her time, pulling her away from her Very Important And Secret-Sharing lunch with Oliver, yelling loudly in her face, and throwing her very tattered and very toxic relationship with Malcolm in her face while also calling her the favourite Merlyn child.

It was the last one he felt particularly guilty about.

Cali picked at her nails, feigning indifference with all the confidence of someone who’s always been so easily hurt. “Being a dick isn’t going to get your money back,” she said casually.

Tommy somehow felt worse. “Look-” he started, but she cut him off.

“I get it. You’re angry.” Something unreadable passed over her eyes. “Our father has done some messed up shit. But this is _money_ , Tommy. It’s trivial.”

He gritted his teeth together and fought desperately to maintain his fragile hold on his frayed temper. “It didn’t feel trivial when I had to scramble to pay for dinner out with Laurel.”

A snort. “That’s what this is about? _Laurel_?”

And well, wasn’t that just telling.

Because as far as Tommy knew, Cali and Laurel had a good relationship. Sure, Cali had admitted that Laurel’s saviour complex and indignant rage annoyed her sometimes, but the two girls had been friends for five years. So that tone in her voice - that thread of disgust and disapproval and protectiveness.

Protectiveness over _him_ , he realised.

So Laurel had done something, and Cali knew about it, and she had no intention of telling him what it was.

(Tommy was so, so, so tired of the lies and the secrets.)

“It’s not just about Laurel,” he admitted, a great deal quieter than before. His anger had dulled to a simmer, exhausted by too many different feelings that were caused by too many different people. “If he can just-” he took a breath, “-If he can just cut me off like that, without warning, then what else can he do? I could recover from this, but what if next time I can’t? What if next time it’s not isolated to me? He took my things - things that I thought were mine to use, mine to control, mine to love.”

The car that Tommy had loved to drive was gone. And it wasn’t the car that he missed, it was the freedom that it brought - he could go anywhere he wanted because he had a car that would take him there.

His money was gone - money that could buy him his escape. Money that he’d used to try and find Oliver. Money he’d used to hire lawyers to send Michael to jail, money that he’d spent on keeping Cali alive and safe and money that he was using to gently persuade Laurel into a genuine relationship.

Malcolm hadn’t just taken his _things_ , he’d taken his independence and his life as well.

Cali exhaled, her edges visibly softening. “Okay,” she said. “Look. I’ve had an account in your name since I started working at the library. I’ve got the information and the card in a folder in my room. I was going to wait until you were getting married, or I died, or something equally as dramatic, in case you wanted to get out of Starling City without Malcolm following you. Use that until you can get your feet back under yourself. Use it to woo Laurel. I don’t care.”

“I can’t-”

“Tommy.” Cali’s eyes glittered with something that might be exasperation, might even be love. “Take it. Don’t let Malcolm win.”

(And wasn’t it so terribly, horribly sad that victory was what it all came down to. Not letting Malcolm win, making sure that they had the high ground. Because it made it a game, or a competition, or the damn Hunger Games.

Because what would happen if Malcolm won? What kind of fucked up life were they living that winning meant dying, that winning meant giving up, that winning meant their futures were forfeit. How sad it was that winning really meant losing to the two kids who’d never really won anything at all.)

Tommy’s lips quirked. “Have I told you that I love you lately?”

Cali’s face crinkled into a smile. “Not enough as you should have,” she told him, and then grabbed his shirt sleeve and dragged him into her room. It was remarkably clean - cleaner than usual - and Tommy’s eyes narrowed.

“Do I sense Janet’s interference?” He said teasingly.

Cali flushed. “Shut up or stay poor.”

Tommy chose wisely and shut his mouth with a click.

Cali rifled around her desk drawers, brushing past the file that Malcolm had given her and the USB the Hood had created for her. There were other things too - Tommy recognised a small picture of Gabriel’s ultrasounds. His heart seized painfully.

He’d thought that all those pictures had been buried with him.

“You don’t have to do this,” he said again, edges less sharp this time. “You’ve worked for this money and-”

“Thomas!” Cali snapped over her shoulder as she finally grabbed a blue folder and straightened up. “Shut. Up. You’ve done so much for me throughout our lives; I just wanted to do something nice back. This is our money, not Malcolm’s. He can’t touch it. It’s safety from him And we owe each other that much.”

An unexpected bitterness writhed in Tommy’s chest at the words. So they owed each other protection from their own father, but they didn’t owe each other honesty. Right. Go figure.

He cleared his throat. “You said this for if you ever died?”

She glanced down at the folder sheepishly, dropping her head so Tommy couldn’t see the look on her face. “I like exaggerating things,” she said, and shoved the folder into his chest. Without looking up, she said, “Go visit the bank tomorrow, make sure everything’s in order. I would hate for you and Laurel to miss out.”

“Hey.” Tommy tucked the folder under one arm and used his free hand to lift her chin up with a finger. “Don’t hide from me.”

“I’m not.” Cali’s smile was feeble and wobbly as she finally made eye contact. “I trust you.”

“I love you,” Tommy said and pulled her into a hug.

(If Malcolm won, if he ever scored a victory, he would never have this again.)

.

“Go over it from the beginning,” Cali said tiredly, pacing around with her phone pressed to her ear as John Diggle spoke rather rapidly. “Oliver recruited psycho mob chick, caught feelings along the way, and is _helping her murder people_?”

“Yeah,” John said flatly. “That’s pretty much it, kid. I’m trying to talk him out of it, but he keeps defending her. I also think they slept together, but he’d never admit it.”

Cali swore quite viciously and threw a cushion at an empty bit of wall. Trust Oliver to fall for the crazy ones. She’d joked about going on a date with this Helena chick, but knowing who she was and then finding out how serious Oliver was trying to be with her? It was too much.

She sighed into the phone. “Thanks for letting me know, John,” she said. “I’ll try and wrangle him back into line. You think my reward could be a visit to the batcave?”

John’s laugh was strained. “You know Oliver doesn’t want you down there.”

“It was worth a try.”

“Be safe, Cali.”

“Always.”

She ended the call without much fanfare, throwing it carelessly on the couch and then covering her face and groaning. This was all getting too messy too quickly. Throw into the mix that Walter was back from his business trip and hadn’t reached out to her again, and Starling City was the place to be!

Cali was so bone-tired.

She wanted to sleep - just crash into her bed and turn the air conditioning on, curl up in the blankets, and hibernate - but now she had to somehow get Oliver to let go of Helena while also trying to stop said woman from killing people, _and_ do damage control at the Queen’s house with Walter.

Where did she even start?

Oliver. She needed to start with Oliver. Fix one problem, and the rest will fall into place. If she could get him before he started damn _training_ Helena, she might be in with a shot at preventing a disaster. She trusted John enough to take his advice on Helena being bad news.

She picked up her phone. Clicked on Oliver’s contact. Rang the number.

And a woman’s voice picked up.

“Hello?”

Cali squinted at her carpet. “Who is this?”

The woman’s voice exhaled. “I’m a friend of Oliver’s. Who are you and why are you calling?”

“Come now,” Cali’s voice was sardonic, and she grinned nastily to herself as she kicked at the couch. “I’m sure Ollie and I are close enough that I have a contact name. Can I say the same for you?”

The woman sniffed indignantly. “Okay, so your name is Cali. I assume that’s like, Cali Merlyn? Oliver’s rich chick friend?”

_Chick?_ Cali was going to beat this woman’s ass eight ways from Sunday. She gritted her teeth and tried to keep her voice polite as she said, “I assume this is Helena? Like, psycho kill-all-my-dad’s-friends Helena?”

The bitch hung up.

Cali stared at the blank screen for a moment, catching up. The bitch had the _audacity_ to hang up? Vapid little Helena was too caught up in her own problems to realise that other people have connections to her new boyfriend?

Cali tapped on her screen, located Felicity Smoak’s never-used number that was saved in her phone for reasons she’d forgotten, and pressed the green call button. It took all of about three seconds for the young, blonde IT girl to answer.

“ _The_ Calissa Merlyn is calling me?” She asked without even waiting for Cali to say anything. “This isn’t about the thing I did for Walter, is it? Because that was totally sanctioned by him, and I wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t ask me to, and I know that I’m still investigating it privately, but that doesn’t mean anything, I just thought I should do some extra research in case he comes back from Australia - which I’m really jealous of, by the way. I think it’d be awesome to visit Australia-”

“Felicity,” Cali interrupted nicely, something funky bubbling up in her chest. “Slow down. You and I will talk about the thing with Walter later. Right now, I just want you to track Oliver’s phone and tell me where he is.”

“Oh.” Felicity paused for a few moments. “Yeah okay. We can talk about that later too?”

Cali’s smile got a little bit brighter, and a little bit wider, and she let Felicity’s babble soothe the festering wounds that had peeled open the minute Oliver turned to another woman for companionship rather than her.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ollie and Cali sleep. There's actually just a lot of sleeping. Naptime (x2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WANT TO APOLOGISE REAL QUICK BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER IS UNDER 6,000 WORDS AND THAT FRUSTRATES ME!  
> I really just couldn't make it stretch out. It's kind of a bridge chapter? And it started off so well - I'm in love with the first bit between Cali and Oliver, but everything after that makes me want to hit my head against a wall so-
> 
> Also, the entirety of this chapter was inspired by and written to 'Half Light' by BANNERS because it's a good song.
> 
> If there's anything you want to see incorporated, let me know! I'm falling back in love with Cali, so I'm hoping that everything falls back into place in the next few chapters.
> 
> Love you all, and as always, leave your thoughts in the comments!

_"When you're in the half light, oh, it is not you I see  
You live a half life, you only show half to me"_   
**BANNERS - _'Half Light'_**

.

"You had someone track my phone," Oliver said over his shoulder before Cali took a step into his room.

She stopped on the threshold; Oliver could sense her hovering in the doorway, debating with herself whether she wanted to start shouting or let Oliver explain himself. "Felt a bit stupid when you showed up here, at home."

Oliver's mouth quirked into a bitter smile and he lifted one shoulder into a careless shrug. "What can I say, Helena can only handle my presence for so long before she feels threatened."

"Ah." Cali shifted on her feet, and part of Oliver so desperately wanted her to go away now, to step backwards out of his room and leave him to ponder the world and all its failings. "Yes, I was wondering about your newest toy. She's a delight to talk to, by the way."

"Felicity likes expensive red wine," he said casually, ignoring the jab at Helena. He'd expected the animosity, of course, but he really didn't want to encourage it. He didn't have the energy for the fighting tonight. "You know, in case you wanted to thank her for helping to find me."

Cali hummed to herself noncommittally as she risked a step further into the room, clearly reaching a decision in her internal argument. Instinctually, Oliver's entire body stiffened, muscles tensing in preparation. He'd defend himself if he had to - physically protecting himself took so much less effort than shielding himself from emotional blows.

Cali stopped immediately, reading the stress in his body. "Oh," she murmured. "I see. I can go, if you'd like."

Oliver gritted his teeth. " _No_." He and Cali startled in tandem at the unexpected force to the word. Oliver shook his head and forced away the tension in his body, peeling open his closed fists and taking deep breaths to try and bring back some of the ease. "No. Stay. Please."

"Ollie-"

"It's okay," he insisted, but he didn't turn around to face her. "Please stay. I'm sorry."

_'I'm tired,'_ is what he didn't say, but Cali seemed to hear it anyway, because she came close enough to lay her hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to say sorry for being uncomfortable, Ollie. If anything, I should be apologising for invading your space without asking."

"No," Oliver said, quieter this time, less forceful. He didn't want to be angry tonight. He didn't want to be the Hood, or the vigilante, or the monster that he'd been made into after he'd been stranded on Lian Yu. He just wanted to be Oliver, and he wanted Cali to be Cali, and he wanted things to be okay, for a little while. _"I'm sorry."_

"Oh," Cali said again, "okay." And that was that.

For a while, neither of them said anything. Instead, Cali very slowly moved until she was sitting beside Oliver on the bed, pausing often enough that when their arms finally brushed together, Oliver was so used to her presence that he couldn't really remember her not being there.

Being around Cali wasn't like being around Helena, wasn't like being around Laurel or Thea or Tommy or Diggle or Felicity or anyone really. Because Cali knew who he was, who he _really_ was, and she didn't expect more from him than that. Sure, she had ideas about what he should do and how he should act, and she got upset when he didn't, but she didn't want him to be anything that he wasn't.

Being around Cali was breathing.

Being around everyone else was just...slowly drowning.

"Helena is....complicated," he said, keeping his voice low and his eyes diverted.

Cali clicked her tongue and leaned some of her weight against him. Oliver risked a glance at her face and found her staring distantly out his window. "Most things are, with you," she said fondly, but sadly, like she was remembering something she didn't want to.

Oliver adjusted his position slightly, encouraging his friend to lay more of her weight against him. He liked holding her up, liked to know that Cali didn't always have to shut herself away and support herself. She could let others help her.

He liked letting her know that he would support her, and it would be okay; he liked it, because Cali would never ask it of him.

So many times since he'd come back, Oliver had to carry Thea's twisted grief without any sort of request. So many times Laurel's face had pinched and more of her guilt and anger had been dumped into Oliver's lap as Sara's name crossed her mind. People bled emotions all over him, and Oliver just had to let it sink into his skin and thread through his veins like poison.

Nobody ever asked. They just gave him everything that they couldn't handle.

But Cali-

Michael Martin had made her into something that was far kinder than Oliver deserved, than _any_ of them deserved. And Oliver kind of hated to think it, but they owed Michael for that.

Oliver cleared his throat and turned his head slightly, just enough to catch the smallest tang of Cali's vanilla shampoo. "Is Tommy okay?" He asked in a murmur, and this time, he didn't ask out of guilt. "Is there a plan to deal with Malcolm?"

Cali's distant eyes sharpened as she returned to the moment, and she laid her cheek on Oliver's shoulder. "Tommy's in the market for a job," she told him, voice heavy with meaning. "I had an emergency account for him with some money in it, so he'll be okay in the immediate future, but it won't last him forever."

Oliver caught her drift. If Tommy was trying to wine-and-dine Laurel, he'd need more than an emergency fund from his sister. "What a coincidence," he said into Cali's hair. "I seem to have a new club being built, and it needs someone to manage it."

Cali's pride was a quiet thing, originating as a small sound in her throat that travelled through Oliver's arm and directly to his heart.

More moments passed by in silence. That was another thing that Oliver liked about being around Cali - they didn't have to talk. They could sit, like they were now, and let the quiet say everything that they couldn't. Without words, Cali asked after Walter. Without words, Oliver confessed the pain of watching the chasm between himself and his family widen.

With each heartbeat that passed, Cali's weight and warmth soothed more and more of Oliver's many hurts. His fracturing patience, his splintering resolve, his steadfast but fragile conviction that he was doing the right thing - all of it was built back up purely by Cali's steady breathing against his side.

And who was this girl, to calm him the way that she calmed him? A friend? A soulmate?

Five years ago, Oliver had been friends with her the way that he'd been with Tommy. Five years ago, he'd been the one to chase away her bad thoughts, when things had been lighter and not as important and not as hard. Five years ago, when Cali had been a girl, and Oliver had been whole and shallow, and Tommy had met them somewhere in the middle and they'd all been _okay_.

Oliver had come back to a fractured, broken girl - shattered in ways that he'd never dreamed of - who was holding herself together with cobwebs, and Tommy, and sheer fucking will.

Oliver had come back to a girl who could hold _him_ together with nothing but her silence, her warmth, and her vanilla shampoo.

(It killed him, knowing that when the time came, he'd never be able to do the same for her. Because Oliver's broken was a festering thing: loud and angry and acidic. He would try and hold Cali together, but his calloused hands would only shred her to pieces, and scatter her to the winds.)

Cali shifted against his side. "Do you have anything to do today?" She asked.

Oliver directed his attention over to the time. 5am. They'd sat together for far longer than he'd expected "I can spare a few hours," he answered lightly. "Why?"

Cali's exhale was a puff of breath against his skin. "I'm tired," she breathed. "I haven't been sleeping well." She paused, clearly thinking over her next words. Oliver could predict what they were going to be, what she was going to ask of him. For a moment, it seemed like she'd changed her mind about asking, and he opened his mouth to _offer_ , but then she rushed out, "Please, can we just lay down and sleep? I just...I just want to sleep without dreaming. Just for a few hours."

And it would be so, so easy for Oliver to say no. To send her away. To condemn her and himself to an early morning of darkness and inner demons. It would be so easy to break her heart, to make her go away. And she would go, if he told her to. That was just the kind of person Calissa Merlyn was.

But Oliver was tired too. Oliver had nightmares too.

Oliver was afraid of being alone, too.

Instead of answering her with his underwhelming words, Oliver gently shifted Cali's weight so that he could lay them both down on the bed properly, coaxing Cali back to his side as she tried to escape him in her misplaced embarrassment.

"Stay," he pleaded in a whisper. "Please. Just...stay. Here. By my side. Just for a few hours."

Cali's eyes gleamed at him in the stilted light of his bedside lamp. Oliver could read her face as easily as he could read a book; she'd asked for this, but she didn't know how much she was allowed, didn't know how much Oliver was offering in the strange silence of the morning.

So he met her partway, and flicked the light off. As soon as they were bathed in darkness, as soon as their movements were hidden from the world, Cali shuffled closer and sought out Oliver's warmth. And it might have meant something, if they weren't who they were. Because Cali loved Janet, and Oliver loved Laurel, but they loved each other as well.

"This isn't like your party," Cali told him through the darkness. Oliver could feel the words forming on his skin, that was how closely they were entwined. "This isn't- I'm not-"

Oliver held her close, and told her, without words, that he understood. That he wasn't asking that of her. This was about not being alone, about dreams and screaming and islands. This was about not being lonely in beds big enough for two.

This was about so much more than the shallow romance of a doomed teenage love story.

"I'm tired," he confessed to her in the darkness. "I'm trying to do this right, but I just always seem to get it wrong and I don't know what to do." He held her a little tighter. "Cali, I don't know what to _do_."

And there was nothing but pure love in Cali's voice when she said, "You do what you always do, Oliver. You keep going."

(And so they slept - two people caving to the platonic intimacy that had been missing from their lives ever since a sabotaged boat went out to sea and never came back.)

.

Cali found Felicity where everyone always found Felicity, buried in the depths of Queen Consolidated, kept company only by her computers. She'd not changed much from that one and only time, so long ago. Cali hadn't seen her much since then, but the blonde had a certain personality that made forgetting her virtually impossible.

"If this is later," Felicity said before Cali could even open her mouth, "then I gotta just tell you that I've got absolutely no judgement for wanting to track down Oliver Queen and trying to force some common sense into him. He just sort of bleeds trouble, doesn't he? And I mean, I hear Walter talk to Moira sometimes, about how Oliver would just sort of disappear, and if he did that to me, I would definitely be trying to beat him up. Not that it would do any good, of course, because his muscles probably have their own muscles-"

"Felicity," Cali interrupted gently, smiling softly. "You gotta take a breath, honey, or your pretty face is gonna go blue."

Felicity snapped her mouth shut with a wince.

For a long moment, the two women sized each other up, Felicity's pink lips tightening with something akin to nervousness. Cali tried to relax her face into something less stressed, hoping desperately to put her at ease. The last thing she needed was Felicity thinking that this was an interrogation of some kind.

So, Cali took a seat and let her mouth melt into a warm smile, one that she reserved only for those who meant something to her. And Felicity did - would - mean something. Everyone meant something.

"So," she started lightly. "This thing with Walter."

Felicity flushed, cheeks darkening to a rose-pink that actually rather matched her lipstick. "So," she copied, refusing to meet Cali's eyes. "Am I in trouble?"

Cali laughed, and Felicity's fingers stuttered on her keyboard. "No, you're not in trouble." Cali's amusement only seemed to fuel Felicity's embarrassment. "I just....Do you wanna just catch me up on what's happening? Walter told me about his investigation-" _That's a lie, no he didn't,_ "-but I don't know why he went to Australia. What happened? Why'd he leave?"

Felicity blew out a breath and rapidly clicked something on her computer. Her nose twitched at whatever she found, and she huffed in frustration, pushing the frames back up with the impatience of someone who'd worn glasses their whole life and was well aware of the messy habits and inconveniences.

"Okay," the tech girl started, her concentration now solely on whatever she wanted to show Cali on the computer. "So, Walter asked me to investigate a suspicious money transaction - something about investing $2.6 million in a friend's start-up venture. He said that Moira authorized it, but he wouldn't say why he wanted to know about it."

"I'm not seeing a problem."

Felicity gave her a flat look. "Because I haven't gotten there yet. Anyways, I looked into this 'start-up' and it doesn't exist. It's for an offshore LLC called Tempest. Which, again, not very strange, but it's not registered under any Queen Consolidated banners. It's not under _any_ banners. It doesn't exist, legally, and yet 'Tempest' bought a warehouse in Starling City."

Cali frowned and leaned back slightly. Surely this is what Walter wanted to tell her before Oliver had been arrested. But why tell _her_? Why get Felicity in on it? His choice of people to confide in, to share the truth with, astounded her. Maybe he picked her _because_ she wasn't Moira's. Oliver was too close, Tommy wasn't serious enough, Thea was too young.

"What was in the warehouse? Did Walter get anybody to check it out?"

Felicity's eyebrows furrowed. "He sent the head of security - Josiah Hudson? - but he didn't-"

Cali's tongue clicked in her mouth. "He was killed, wasn't he?"

Mute, Felicity nodded.

Right, okay. So there was something in a warehouse that was precious enough to kill over, and Walter knew something about it. And it had something to do with Moira. For fuck's sake, all the adults in Cali's life were all involved in conspiracies. Where was the normality?

"Okay, Josiah was killed." Cali leaned forward again. "Did Walter ever find out what was in the warehouse?"

Felicity bit her lip. Her hesitation, while born out of admirable loyalty to her boss, was a thing that Cali didn't really have time for. If this was all true, if Walter really had discovered some nefarious plot, then she had to talk to him about it as soon as possible.

Cali tapped on the desk, and when Felicity forced herself to meet Cali's eyes, Cali gave her a nod. "Okay," Felicity breathed out. "Okay. Look, I wasn't told directly, okay? But I heard him talking to Moira - he confronted her about it, the warehouse and what was inside."

"So he does know," Cali said. "Felicity, babe, c'mon. What was in the warehouse? What got Josiah Hudson killed?"

Felicity closed her eyes tight enough to bleach some of the colour from her skin. Her lovely blush had long since faded, covered instead by a horrible paleness. "' _The Queen's Gambit',_ " she whispered.

.

Walter Steele was a family man, a good man, which is how he knew that Calissa was not in a great mood when she stormed into his office without warning. Her brown hair was yanked back into a messy ponytail, and she'd forgone her makeup today. She looked tired, Walter noted, and frowned.

"Cali, darling," he welcomed as she paced in front of his desk. "How lovely to see you."

Cali's agistate pacing halted sharply, with no warning. Walter's frown deepened at the unusual aggression. It was rare that Cali got so totally worked up about something. Upset? Definitely. But not like this. From what Walter understood, Michael had tried to train that out of her.

Without a word, he motioned for her to take a seat. She sat. "Really, Walter?" she hissed at him. "The ' _Gambit_ '? In Starling City?"

Ah. So she'd found out. Walter probably should have mentioned to Ms. Smoak that there was no longer a need to get Cali involved. Before, when the discovery was fresh, Walter had just needed to talk to someone - just to make sure that he wasn't the only one who hadn't seen the treachery. But he'd found clarity in Melbourne, had cleared his head and taken a breath.

But alas, the damage was done.

Walter steepled his hands in front of his mouth and sighed. "Moira had the boat salvaged," he explained. "It's in the past now." Indeed, it was in the past. It was all supposed to be in the past, but even now, Robert Queen was haunting his every breath.

"She had Josiah Hudson murdered!" Cali said too loudly, too angrily. "And you're just letting her get away with it?"

A righteous anger, Walter would concede, but inappropriate for the workplace. He was trying to grow, to move past Moira's blatant betrayal. And he would never trust her again, never blindly follow his heart, but he wasn't going to break their tenuous peace until he found something _more_. "She is my wife," he said, too sharply. "She is the CEO of this company, and you'll give her the respect she deserves."

The fire in Cali's eyes flickered, tempered by Walter's cold reprimand. It was almost as though he could see the chains getting locked around her vocal chords, trapping the secret inside her body, just like everything else she'd ever had to keep from the world.

And Walter hated it, he really did. He loved Cali like he would love a daughter, and putting her through this would weigh on his conscience until his dying day, but there was a danger associated with this, associated with Moira and whatever plot she was tangled up in. He'd already gotten Josiah killed by having him investigate, he wouldn't be responsible for Cali's death. Not now.

Not ever.

"Fine," Cali said, voice quiet but deadly. Her tone was thin, a blade balanced precariously on a wire. One wrong move and that blade would fall and slice them all. "Fine. I'll keep my damn mouth shut. I'll move on. But you can't ask me to forget about it, Walter. Because I can't and I won't."

And then she got up, and she gave him a disappointed look, and she left.

Walter put his head in his hands.

.

Cali spent that afternoon at Janet's apartment, playing with Checkers the cat and pretending that the rest of the world didn't exist. Janet was at work, but after a brief phone call, had disclosed to Cali where the spare key to the apartment was and invited Cali to stay the night.

Checkers seemed more than happy to keep her company.

Cali ran a gentle hand down his back, smiling when he purred and flexed under her touch, turning his head so that his nose was pressed against her leg. "You wouldn't hide anything from me, would you?" She whispered, semi-seriously. Checkers' answer was a rather violent sneeze. Cali gave him another pet. "That's what I thought."

She leaned her head back, forcing her body further into the worn curve of the couch, fitting her figure to the mould that Janet had shaped into it through years of use. Realistically, it wasn't the most comfortable position, but it was Janet's, and Cali needed that right now. She needed to fit something, she needed to just _fit in_ , because there were too many things that were happening without her these days.

(How could Walter justify not telling her?

How could Walter think that she was strong enough to handle it?)

And so she ran to Janet, to safety, and stayed there until the sun was lured below the horizon. Her phone buzzed on the side table, waking up a dozing Checkers, whose whiskers twitched once with interest before settling back down for sleep.

Cali checked the screen with eyes squinted. Oliver's name shivered in front of her face. _'Taking Helena out tonight, for dinner and a show.'_ That was all. Short. Sweet. Completely unnecessary. Scowling, Cali flicked the screen back off without responding and set her phone back down on the table.

Those damn vigilante types. Always have to be doing something with someone.

Cali eased her tired body down onto the couch, so she was lying alongside Checkers, who curled into her warmth almost instantly. She laid a hand on his fluffy body almost absent-mindedly, breathing out slowly as the tension slowly eased out of her body.

She'd slept on the couch like this at the Merlyn mansion too, a cup of too-syrupy lemonade half-drunk in her hand. But here, in Janet's apartment with Janet's cat at her side, Cali was safe from Malcolm. She was safe from Michael.

She wasn't peaceful, not quite. Because peace, to her, meant being curled up under Oliver's covers - not because she didn't love Janet, but because she loved Oliver too. Because Oliver had gone away and then come back, and they changed in far too many ways. They also hadn't changed at all.

So no, she didn't find peace in the crevices of Janet's couch, but she did find a familiarity that she'd been missing - a feeling, that bundled up in her chest and wrapped around her heart like a weighted blanket. It had something to do with a cat (not Jasper, it was never again going to be Jasper) waiting for someone who loved her.

No, Cali didn't find peace on the couch, but she found something that felt remarkably close to home.

.

Janet Parker felt a great many things for a great many people, but there was something about what she felt for one Calissa Merlyn that felt so big and loud and demanding and _much_ that it scared her. It lived under her collarbone, writhing and twisting, restless only in Cali's absence. It scared her, that great big feeling, because she'd never really felt it before.

The feeling had come over her suddenly, on an ordinary Thursday afternoon, when Cali Merlyn and her brother walked into Miko's for their daily lunch date. There was nothing unusual about it, but for some reason, Janet's chest got too tight when she watched Cali smile, watched her throw her head back and laugh the type of laugh that only Tommy could draw out of her.

Janet Parker never dared serve the famous Merlyn siblings, unil that ordinary Thursday afternoon.

It had happened so suddenly after that - Tommy getting her number with all the confidence of a ladies man, Cali turning on the charm, only to flail when Janet turned it back on her. All at once, Janet knew that she was fascinated at the least, obsessed at best.

(In love, probably.)

Janet opened her apartment door and was met with a very full kind of silence. It was the kind of sleepy quiet that suggested that someone was indeed asleep, the kind of full that indicated that there was someone there at all.

"Checkers," Janet called quietly, just to be sure. As soon as she spied the fluffy tail of her calico cat, she relaxed. It was definitely Cali then, just as she'd thought it was. So she hadn't gone home yet - if she'd planned to at all.

Shaking her head, Janet set her stuff down and went about her usual nightly routine as quietly as she could, only stopping to smile at her girlfriend on the couch for a moment before covering her with a blanket and moving on.

A ringing phone interrupted her mid-way through drying the dishes by the sink, so she set down the tea tooled and tracked the sound through the apartment until she found it, lying atop a table. It wasn't hers, she noticed, even as she picked it up. Cali's phone case felt strange in her hand.

"Tommy," she greeted pleasantly, answering the call with a deft swipe of her fingers. "Hi."

There was barely a moment of hesitation on the other end of the line, before Tommy was speaking. "Hiya Janet. Not that I don't always love to hear your voice, but is my sister around? I'd like to talk to her."

Janet frowned over at Cali's sleeping form. She was loathed to wake the girl up, but Tommy sounded strung-up and agitated. She didn't know what to do with a Tommy Merlyn who wasn't quite in control of his words and emotions. She was too used to being spoiled with the smooth-talking, relaxed version of him to really decipher his upset.

"Cali's asleep," she said finally, into the phone. Checkers weaved between her feet. "Is it important? I can wake her up."

Tommy blew out a breath, the sound coming across as static over the line. "No," he said reluctantly. "Let her sleep. God knows she doesn't sleep without nightmares often enough to be healthy. I'll try her again later."

"I can get her to text you when she's awake," Janet offered, biting at her lip. "Or, you know, I could listen. I'm not the best with problems I'm not inherently familiar with, but I feel like Cali's told me enough about you that I can offer a little bit of help."

Tommy's laugh was strained but genuine, a pleasantly comfortable sound that made Janet's cheeks tingle. She was a lesbian, but Tommy Merlyn had a talent for making _everyone_ feel a little something. "Janet Parker-" God, even his _voice_ , "-you are an angel. I really just need to vent."

Janet very reasonably considered this for a moment. She'd just got home from a nine hour shift, she was hungry, and she had a sleeping girlfriend taking up her couch.

She smiled and kicked off her work shoes. "Sure," she said easily and put Cali's phone on speaker. "Let me just get some dinner started and then my attention is all yours."

For Cali, and that living scary _thing_ that lived near her heart, Janet could do this.

.

(But of course, for every right that happens, a wrong is torn from an aching person. While Cali sleeps easy, her heart full of love for a woman who easily loves her back, Oliver gets his hopeful romance ripped out by the root and thrown into a fire that's fuelled by Helena's acidic need to hurt others like she'd been hurt once, so long ago.

Oliver hurts and he hurts; and Cali sleeps on, for once, protected by Starling City, awash in moonlight.)


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything falls apart in the span of a few hours. If ever Oliver's had to choose between two people and he chose wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been literally month, i have a new tattoo, several new piercings, and a too-short chapter to show for it.  
> I am SO SORRY!  
> Fuck, I'm out of excuses. I'm just bad at writing on a schedule. I'm sorry. And this is going for longer than I thought it would. I might be speeding through some episodes at the speed of fucking light just to get them done.   
> BUT!  
> I have a plan sketched out for Book 2, so all is not lost.
> 
> I love you all!

_"Oh, but I'm not bitter, I'm just tired  
No use getting angry at the way that you're wired  
Ignorant trauma in one afternoon"_

**DODIE - _'Guiltless'_**

.

Felicity called her the next morning; Cali was only half-awake, her garbled sounds unintelligible, and her brain working at a pace not unlike a snail’s.

That did not stop the great Felicity Smoak.

“I know it’s early,” Felicity started off, and somehow didn’t sound apologetic about it, “but Walter asked me to do something else about the Moira thing, and he gave me a book, and Miss Merlyn, I know it’s not proper of me to assume things, but this book is _full_ of names. Crazy right? Now I know you’re wondering why a list of names is such a big deal, but listen to this. I cross-checked the names against news articles and the media, and it’s a match. All those millionaires that were being killed off by the Hood? They were _all on the list_.”

Cali blinked blearily at the blank TV, rubbing a hand across her face in a useless attempt to scrub the sleep out of her eyes. “It’s 6 in the morning, Felicity dearest,” she slurred, pulling the blanket closer to her chin. “Also, when did you start calling me ‘Miss Merlyn’? I don’t like it. Makes me feel old. Cali is fine.”

“Sorry.” Felicity’s tone changed abruptly, her voice suddenly clipped. “I told Walter all this last night - I just thought I should tell you too.”

Cali sighed into her pillow before pushing her blankets back and surrendering her claim to sleep. “No, Liz, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just had a rough night and woke up in a bad mood. Keep talking. You told Walter about the list of names? What did he say?”

Felicity went quiet for a moment, and Cali took the chance to sit up a bit, yawning as quietly as she could while stretching out against the back of the couch. The kinks in her back straightened with a satisfying and yet grotesque series of cracks down her spine.

Felicity still hadn’t said anything.

“Felicity?” Cali prompted around another yawn. “Li-Li? Flick? Lexi? Fifi?” Still silence. Worry made her stomach cramp. “‘M running out of nicknames here, honey.”

Felicity inhaled rather sharply all of a sudden, and Cali flinched away from the phone at the suddenness of it all. Air-driven sounds were always so much sharper over a call; electricity always managed to twist the soft into the edged, and the angry into the gentle.

Finally, Felicity managed words. “This is Moira’s book, right? So theoretically, we can assume that Robert knew about it.”

“She could have made the list _after_ he died,” Cali pointed out. “The killings only started a short while ago.” She very carefully didn’t mention that _Oliver_ had only gotten back a short while ago. No use opening that can of worms this fucking early in the morning.

Unfortunately for her, Felicity didn’t like to let sleeping lions lie. Much like a dog with a bone, she just wouldn’t give it up. “How does the ‘ _Gambit_ ’ tie into this then?” She sounded frustrated. “Why keep it so under the radar? Why kill people over it? It was a freak accident, yeah, but nothing more.”

Cali frowned down at her hands as she twisted the blanket between her fingers. “Unless it wasn’t an accident.” It was a suspicion she’d harboured since learning about the boat’s recovery, but hadn’t been brave enough to voice. Especially not after Walter’s scolding. “Think about it,” she urged Felicity. “Think about it, and then ask those questions again. Why would Moira hide it, huh? Why tuck it away into a warehouse that was purchased from a fake company?”

Why, why, _why_ -

It was right there, the _truth_ -

“It was sabotaged,” Felicity breathed. “I-It had to have been. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

Cali slumped in on herself, rubbing at her brow as exhaustion mixed with conspiracy inside her cranium. Thoughts that were too complex for the morning tangled themselves into knots and set themselves on fire. For once, she hated that she was inquisitive - so eager to insert herself into everything, to know every little secret and morsel of gossip.

Of course, what she and Felicity were discussing was purely speculation, but it was speculation that earned her the knowledge about Oliver’s secret identity, so she had every faith that she was right this time as well.

Maybe Tommy was right, in part. She wasn’t a confession journal, but maybe she was a mockery of a church confessional. People crept up to her ear, whispered their side of the story, and in the end, all she had to do was put the pieces together and she _knew_ things.

Felicity shifted something on her end, and frantic clicking filled the line for a moment. “Okay, so if Moira was involved in all of this, it makes sense for her name not to be on the list. I doubt that Robert is on here - he would have been insane to be involved and then step on a sabotaged boat, much less take Oliver and Sara with him. He was something, but he wasn’t a murderer.” She paused for an uncomfortable heartbeat. When she spoke again, her voice was hesitant. “There’s another name that’s conspicuously missing from all of this.”

An uncomfortable feeling settled in Cali’s stomach. Her chest squeezed. Felicity waited for something on the other end of the call.

Cali was shaking her head even before the words came tumbling out. “Don’t say it, Flick. I can’t hear it from you, not this morning.” Forget stomach cramps and hunger pains, her entire body was aching. Everywhere she turned, _his_ name met her. He was always there, always the center of the web, always pulling the strings. Her voice cracked. “I _can’t_.”

And Felicity, sweet and beautiful Felicity Smoak, let it be with a small, “Okay.”

Cali was the one to end the call. Felicity didn’t stop her.

How quickly things had fallen apart. Or, no, that wasn’t quite it. Things had been falling apart for far too long now: this was just her eyes opening to the fragile truth of Starling City. People sent out to die, like lambs to the slaughter.

_Robert_ sent out to die.

There was no way that Oliver’s father _hadn’t_ known about the list, no way that he hadn’t gotten that information to Oliver. How else would the Hood know who to target? Oliver certainly hadn’t gotten that from his mother.

Which then begged the question - why kill Robert? If he was on board with whatever this was, whatever scheme Malcolm had helped the Queen family cook up, then why risk so much on making him disappear?

Cali threw her head back into the couch and cursed at the ceiling. Pressure crushed her ribcage, binding her and her knowledge to Janet’s apartment, to Janet’s couch. Everywhere she turned, secrets were built into walls, trapping her in a never-ending spiral of betrayal and murder and _lies_.

God, how did she tell Tommy? She couldn’t even bring herself to tell him about Laurel and Oliver!

Steely resolve forced her to sit up and open her contacts. No, she wouldn’t drag Tommy into this. She wouldn’t even tell Oliver. They both had enough to deal with. She would sort this out herself, would go behind Walter’s back, go behind Felicity’s back.

If anyone else was going to be hurt by her father, let it be her. She’d lived through enough of his travesties. She could live through this too.

It didn’t stop her hand from shaking as she tapped Malcolm’s contact and pressed her cell phone to her ear. It was warm against her skin - the phone call with Felicity had been mere moments ago, time stretching on in between seconds as such huge secrets yawned before her.

Her father answered swiftly, his voice curt as he greeted her. “Daughter,” he said tersely. “If this is a call about the temporary serum-antidote, I do not appreciate the hurrying. I won’t rush this, not when it’s your life that’s on the line.”

The serum. Antidotes. Being not-human. Cali had forgotten.

“I need you to tell me,” she said quietly, tightly, hotly, the words seizing and catching in her throat, “why you and Moira Queen have a list of dead-and-dying people, and why the wreckage of the ‘ _Gambit_ ’ is sitting in a warehouse downtown.”

Malcolm’s silence spoke volumes.

Cali’s heartbreak was audible in her ears - a sharp, shattering sound that whited out her vision with it’s loudness. There were things that Malcolm had done - terrible things - that she could set aside. Things she could move past, even if she didn’t forgive them.

But killing Robert Queen, killing Sara Lance, killing _Oliver_ -

Cali would never move past this. Would never look him in the eyes again.

She clutched at the phone with both hands. “Did you know it was sabotaged?” She demanded roughly. She didn’t want to know, not really, but she couldn’t afford to waver now. If she dropped the ball, she’d never pick it back up and then when the terrible things happened, it was on _her_.

In a near-whisper, Malcolm said, “ _Calico_.”

_“Did you know?”_

Guilt that wasn’t hers simmered in her chest.

A breath. “Yes.”

An answer.

A confession.

Cali threw her phone across the room.

.

A billionaire vigilante and his bodyguard walk into a library.

Cali’s not there to meet them.

It reads like a bad joke, Oliver mused to himself as the elderly lady from the front desk, Nancy, hobbled her way into the offices to see if anybody knew why Cali wasn’t in today. Diggle, patient as ever, stood silently by his side, eyes wide as he stared up at the sloped ceilings, tracing the bookcases with nothing but his gaze as they climbed towards the roof.

“It’s an impressive building,” Oliver said softly to him. “One of Starling City’s oldest, in fact.”

Diggle nodded mutely, still looking up. Something about that gave Oliver pause - perhaps it was the sheer innocence of awe, splayed openly across Diggle’s usually stoic face. He seemed so easily impressed by this building, by the architecture of people who had long since passed.

His chest ached something fierce, when he thought about it for too long. Because he’d had that naivety and virtue stripped from him slowly and surely over the course of five years. He’d lost that ability to be wonderstruck by something so remarkably unremarkable.

But John Diggle...

Diggle made a sound low in his throat. “You don’t have to look so wistfully at me, Oliver. I’m right here.”

Oliver’s lips quirked, but fell flat again before he could bring himself to properly smile. He said, “I know,” and then continued to watch his friend watch the glory of the world around him. If he was wistful, well, he wasn't the one who had to see his own expression.

That was how Martha found them, Diggle staring up, and Oliver staring at Diggle. She cleared her throat, one eyebrow already raised, but Oliver felt no embarrassment as he turned to face her. He wasn’t there for her.

“She’s not here,” Martha said bluntly, without any small talk.

Oliver admired her frankness. Diggle, it seemed, did not. Voice pinched disdainfully, he asked, “Did she say why?”

Martha shrugged, unbothered and dismissive, her sharp eyes still settled firmly on Oliver. She was sizing him up - they’d heard of each other in passing from Cali, but never confronted each other face-to-face. Oliver returned her look coolly, tipping his chin up in a silent challenge.

Martha’s mouth twitched keenly, and finally she looked to Diggle, who was shuffling on his feet and looking mighty tense. “She said she was having family troubles. Brenden agreed to swap their holiday shifts so she could have her holiday time early.”

Diggle glanced sidelong at Oliver, whose lips pursed slightly at the implications. Family troubles could only mean that Cali was having a problem with Malcolm. Oliver got the feeling that Tommy either didn’t know about it, or Cali had told him to stay out of it. Most likely the former; Tommy would never leave his sister to face their father alone.

Murmuring his thanks, Oliver rocked back on his heels and prepared to leave. Diggle followed his lead, already angling his body towards the exit. Martha’s stony voice stopped them. “Queen.” Oliver glanced back, unsmiling. He wouldn’t pretend for this woman. Martha’s nose scrunched just a little. “You talk to that brother of hers. Screw his head back on straight.”

Oliver frowned. Tommy? The last he’d heard of his friend, he was asking Oliver for a job, after Oliver had stopped Helena from killing her father. Since then, Oliver hadn’t really heard much of him, just the odds bits here and there while Tommy took control of building the club.

He nodded at Martha, still frowning, and she nodded back. A moment of respect, then, for two people who were as jagged and broken as the other. Both monsters, trapped inside a human body.

Diggle led him out to the car. Oliver didn’t say a word.

“Where to, Oliver?” Diggle asked quietly, starting the car but not going anywhere. Not yet.

Oliver held up a finger and pulled out his phone. Tapping on Tommy’s contact, he held the device to his ear. Indecision warred in his chest. He’d meant to go and see Cali, get her help for the Christmas party he was sort-of intending to plan. But he couldn’t ignore Tommy, not like he had been. If something was wrong between his best friends, he had to fix it.

That was what he did. He _fixed things_.

Tommy answered with a cheerful, “Ollie!” Oliver squinted at the back of the car seat. Tommy didn’t _sound_ upset by anything, but then again, he hadn’t sounded upset about anything other than dinner and being cut-off _before_. “What’s up, buddy? I’m not used to you actually, you know, _reaching out_ to people.”

Oliver fought a smile, because only Tommy could make something so accusing into something gentle and teasing. “Thought I’d break my pattern. Where are you? I’m going for lunch and don’t want to eat alone.”

Tommy had the audacity to gasp. “Oliver Queen, not wanting to be alone? Well, I never thought I’d see the day.” Oliver rolled his eyes. Tommy continued, “But actually, I’m at your place. Thea got blown off by Cali and was feeling particularly unloved.”

“You know us Queens,” Oliver joked, even as uneasiness forced tension into his shoulders, “we do make a habit of being by ourselves.”

“A habit you shall have to break!” Tommy declared. “Come on, if you hurry, there might still be some of Raisa’s Jaffa Cake left for you.”

Oliver covered his end of the phone. “Diggle. The mansion. Now.”

Tommy cackled wildly over the phone as Diggle hit the gas.

.

Settling back in his seat with a content sigh, Oliver surveyed the rest of the table. Tommy and Thea were chatting animatedly, Tommy’s voice loud and boisterous, his hands flying around in front of his face. Diggle was sitting quietly, paying attention to nothing in particular, but alert enough to move at a moment’s notice.

And his mother.

Moira was staring straight at him, her head tilted just slightly to the side as something dark shadowed her face. She was surveying him, Oliver could feel the weight to her gaze as it travelled over his face. She was looking for something. He wouldn’t let her find it.

“Not that I don’t love having you here with us, dear,” she said breezily, obviously deciding to address whatever she was thinking, “but was there a reason you were seeking out Tommy? You don’t usually make a point of stopping by here during the day. In fact,” she added, eyes going flinty and narrow, “you’re hardly ever here at night, too. Is there something wrong with the house that you keep leaving?”

Oliver pasted a lazy smile across his lips, leaning forward just slightly. “How could I pass up lunch with my favourite people?” he asked.

Tommy snorted from his seat. “Well, I don’t see Cali here, so clearly not your favourites. Second-cousins maybe?”

Thea elbowed him in the ribs hard enough that he squeaked. Oliver’s smile got a little more real. “I did actually want to ask Tommy something,” he admitted, and his friend stopped dramatically cowering away from Thea in favour of turning his full attention to Oliver. “Did anything happen at the library lately? Between you and Cali?”

It was a minute change - the shifting of Tommy’s posture - but Oliver tracked it. He was trained in noticing small details, after all. It was the way that Tommy’s feet actually settled on the ground, the way his nose flared just slightly. His lips ticked downwards. His grip on the chair got tighter.

Oliver had his answer, even as Tommy forced a laugh and said, “What? Where’d you hear that?”

He hated to do this, he _did_ , because lunch had been so _nice_ and for the first time since he’d gotten back, there’d been no hiding. Thea and Moira and Tommy and Oliver. Together, like they’d always been. No hiding. No barbs. Just family and Jaffa Cake. The only thing missing had been one Calissa Merlyn.

But he had to _know_.

For Cali’s sake.

He took a fortifying breath. “I went to the library today to check on Cali. She wasn't there - she’s on holidays apparently - but Martha said something interesting about you. Something about you needing to put your head on straight. Why’d she say that, Tommy?”

Silence coated everything, sticky and suspicious.

“I think,” Tommy said slowly, his good mood wiped away by Oliver, always _Oliver_ \- “that what’s happened between me and my sister is none of your business, Ollie.”

“It’s my business because I care about you both.”

“You _care_?” Tommy repeated, the words coated in bitter amusement. How something so lovely could become so charred and blackened, Oliver wasn’t sure. But he wanted to find out. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Moira murmured a careful, _“Tommy,”_ but Thea stayed conspicuously silent.

It was horrible, how quickly their charade of peace fell to pieces. It was Oliver’s fault, he knew that and he accepted it, knew that he had to play the bad son and the bad friend to protect them, but it was hurting them too.

He was tired of hurting the people that he loved.

“I’m not accusing you of anything-” Tommy’s scoff cut him off. Oliver gritted his teeth and continued, “-but whatever happened was bad enough to worry everyone else at the library. It had to have been big for that. I want to make sure my friends are okay. Sue me for being worried about you.”

“We’ve made up already,” was Tommy’s sullen answer. “It’s fine, Oliver, forget it.”

And Oliver could leave it, now. God only knew that he had tremendous secrets of his own - that he lied to everybody every day because he couldn’t bear to subject them to the _thing_ he’d become during his time away. But it was _Cali_ , and he couldn’t forget the flickering sadness in Martha’s eyes, existing right alongside a smouldering protectiveness and defiance that could match his own.

So yes, he could let this go, but he wouldn’t. It was never going to be an option for him to _let go_. For all he knew, Tommy was confronting Cali about knowing that Oliver kissed Laurel.

He breathed out. “You’re my friends,” he said in a whisper.

It was all he had left.

It wasn’t enough.

Tommy jerked his chair back, standing up fast enough that Thea actually flinched. Diggle straightened. Moira put her head in her hands. sat still and he waited.

“You don’t get to say that,” Tommy snarled, stared up at him unflinchingly. “Not when you pick and choose who gets to know what about you, who gets your favour and who gets shut out. We haven’t been the type of friends you think we have ever since you went away, came back, and then _chose my sister_.”

Oliver was sure that Tommy meant well, but… “Jealousy shouldn’t ruin our friendship,” he said flatly.

Tommy’s laugh was angry and painful to hear. “ _Jealousy?”_ he spat. “You think I’m _jealous?_ ” Yes, Oliver did think that. “I’m _afraid_. My sister is your damned secret keeper, your confession journal, and she’s always going to be that until the day she _dies_!”He lowered his voice to a venomous hiss. “Sometimes, I wish I didn’t love you. Sometimes, I want so _badly_ to be my father, so that I can walk away soon enough to get out without scars.”

A fissure crack split through Oliver’s rib cage.

He blinked once, slowly, and then shook his head. Tommy’s nose flared. “Tommy,” said heavily, “it’s not about choosing between you and Cali. She finds things out on her own, and then I have to rely on her not to tell anyone. I don’t tell people anything. You’re one of my best friends, just like Cali is-”

“Then why am I the one of trial?!”

And _oh_.

Yes, Oliver had fucked this up rather spectacularly, hadn’t he?

_“Tommy.”_ He leaned forward. “You’re my _friend_. I care about you just as much as I care about Cali. This was never a game of ‘more important.’ You both mean the world to me.”

Tommy pushed away from the table and stalked towards the doorway. “No,” he said, stopping just on the threshold. “No, we meant the world to you before you drowned. We don’t mean anything to you now. We’re just...pawns. And I’m tired of playing your games.” He shook his head. “You can have your job back. I don’t want you bribery or your pity.”

And then he walked right on out the door, and when the door slammed shut, Oliver felt the reverberations ripple through his chest, his throat, his damn bones.

He hadn’t meant to choose a sibling, but he had.

Once again, he’d made the _wrong damn choice, chosen the wrong damn person-_

A helpless glance at the others at the table spared him nothing. Nobody was on his side here. Nobody was ever going to be on his side when it came to caring about people. And it was because of that - that uselessness and lack of support - that Oliver tumbled through all the wrong words.

“I didn’t-” His hands trembled as he tucked them down by his side. “I-”

Thea barked a burning laugh and stood up. She didn’t even spare him a look. “You can never just _stop_ , can you?” She asked rhetorically, shaking her head. “You always have to push and push until you push everyone away. Well, Ollie, if you want to be alone, just fucking say so instead of tearing everyone else down too.”

She was gone before Moira could reprimand her for her language.

Oliver slumped back in his seat, feeling the back of the chair press uncomfortably into his spine. This was why he’d hesitated to come back. They didn’t need him. He was just causing trouble. Displacement settled under his skin, triggering an itch he knew he’d never reach.

“Oh Oliver,” Moira breathed, and the disappointment that painted her tone was almost too much to bear. Oliver ducked his head. “Oh my darling boy. You can’t stop yourself, can you? You always have to be the one in control of everything, always the one holding the reigns.”

He felt, oddly enough, like he was twelve years old again. Young, angry at the parents who were never home. Lonely. Scolded.

Afraid.

He ducked his head, touching his chin to his chest. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Mom.”

Moira watched him, unforgiving even as she softened in response to his heartache. “You’ve always had a sharp tongue,” she told him sadly. “This time, I fear, you’ve used it to kill something precious.”

“I never chose between them.”

“It wasn’t that you chose between them, dear, it was that you just didn’t choose _him_.” Moira gave him a gentle look. “Tommy has always been possessive, jealous, insecure in his friendship with you. He gave a lot to try and find you. And you’ve repaid him by confiding in Calissa and Calissa only. You’ve shut him behind a glass door. He can see you, but he can’t hear you. All he can do is watch you give your trust to someone else. He thinks he’s been replaced, by his own sister no less.”

But surely that wasn’t Oliver’s fault! Trauma constructed that glass door, not him, not consciously. And he hadn’t been choosing people! Everyone who knew things about him had found out due to circumstance _only_.

But there was no way for him to explain that to anybody. Because the only people who knew, already _knew_.

“As for Calissa,” Moira said, firming up a bit. “I want you to tell me what she does, what it is about her, that makes you...smile so much.”

There’s a nostalgia to that request that surprised him. Because his mother didn’t sound bitter, or angry, she just sounded sad. Like she’d missed out on something and she knew that the moment had passed and would never come back.

He flushed, rubbing a hand over the stubble on his jaw. “There’s nothing special to Cali,” he said lamely, splaying his hands.

Moira suddenly looked very old and tired. “Oh Oliver, of _course_ there’s something special about her. You’re different around her. Lighter. Happier. More yourself. With us, with Tommy and your sister and me, you put up walls. There’s masks. You lie and you fake your way through it, but with _her_ …” She trailed off.

“There’s nothing special about Cali,” Oliver said again, like a broken record, and Moira just _looked_ at him. They sat there silently, until she gathered herself and excused herself from the room.

Diggle said nothing, but the look he gave his charge said enough.

Oliver closed his eyes and _wished_.

.

Cali opened the door after the first knock, which seemed to startle Oliver, who still had his fist raised. “What?” She snapped, knowing that she was glaring, knowing that Oliver wasn’t at fault, knowing but not doing anything to fix it.

She didn’t want to fix it. She was _sick_ of fixing things.

She still had to fix Malcolm’s mistake, so that millions of people didn’t pay the price.

Oliver blinked. “I-Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she insisted. “Is there a point to you being here?”

_Go away, go away, go away-_

Oliver seemed to dither around his question and Cali tapped her foot impatiently. She didn’t have time for this. She wanted to be alone for a little longer, throw a few more things around her apartment, and then go over to her old home and confront her father about it all.

Finally, Oliver mustered enough courage to ask, “Plan a Christmas Party with me?”

Cali considered him, took him in head-to-toe. He seemed...smaller today, less to his usually dominant presence. Something had obviously happened, and if she were in a better place, she might have asked him about it.

But she wasn’t in a better place. So she met his eyes, said an empathic, _“no,”_ and closed the door in his face.

.

If ever Oliver had chosen between two people, and he’d chosen _wrong_.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cali does something that is (potentially) out of character, and has a crisis about it. Malcolm is a manipulative dick, but what else is new? John Diggle proves why he's the best. Oliver is...well, he's Oliver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DO NOT CLAIM TO BE PART OF THE DEAF COMMUNITY! I do not intend for the content of this chapter to be offensive. If I've written something incorrectly and it offends you, please send me a message and I will fix it. I am not here to attack your community. Teach me, and I will learn to know better.
> 
> Potential trigger warning for gun mentions and intended violence, which is canon-typical.
> 
> So this chapter...happens. Not sure if it's out of character for Cali, honestly, but I'll explore her actions a bit more and see what I think I can make it into. Let me know what you think about my...writing choices. I'm always open to your opinions. I love to read theories and suggestions. 
> 
> I also really love Early Seasons! John Diggle. In case you couldn't tell from this chapter.
> 
> Also, we stan Parker in this household. Any Parker slander and I will start a fistfight.
> 
> Anyways, love you all. And as always, leave your thoughts in the comments!

_“Look inside my heart and find a perilous ravine  
Carved within the beauty, the darkness in between  
Standing in the balance of complete and incomplete  
I identify the echo of what is and what will be”_   
**HALF.ALIVE** _\- ‘Creature’_

.

Of all the people to barge into his office and raise a gun to his chest, Malcolm did not expect it to be his own daughter.

To her credit, Cali’s hand didn’t shake, the gun didn’t dip or sway, her focus never waivered. She just stood there, watching Malcolm watch her, the gun a stagnant threat between them. Something in his chest tightened - an emotion that he was unfamiliar with crept in and twisted around his heart.

Ah, perhaps an emotion that wasn’t his at all then.

“Daughter,” he greeted calmly, barely glancing at the weapon that could so easily end him. Cali’s eyes glinted dangerously. “Are we sure the gun is necessary? I’ve just had the carpets cleaned, and I would hate to get blood on them.”

“You know why I’m here.”

He sighed, shuffling his papers nonchalantly and setting them off the side. “If you’re here to kill me, please allow me the courtesy of getting my affairs in order first. I have several meetings scheduled for today, and I would prefer to cancel them politely instead of condemning my business partners to seeing my dead body.”

His keen eyes picked up on the finest tremor travelling up Cali’s arm as his casual attitude threw her off balance. Just as he’d known it would. She might try to play the tough girl, but she was too gentle for it really.

Michael had beaten any cruelty right out of her.

Not that Malcolm approved of the man’s methods, but there had been several advantages to Michael’s training that he’d taken shameless advantage of.

“I have to stop you,” Cali said, and the gun lifted until it wasn’t pointing at Malcolm’s heart, but rather his head. He barely even blinked. Cali licked her lips nervously. “You have to pay for-for killing Robert and Sara. For almost killing Oliver. You have to _pay_.”

“Really,” Malcolm pointed out mildly, “I don’t _have_ to do anything. It’s ultimately up to you, daughter mine, you’re in control of the situation right now.” A calculated assessment, worded specifically to ease doubt into Cali’s mind.

The gun tilted away. If she pulled the trigger now, she’d probably shoot his ear off, but that was all. He’d known from the beginning that there was no real danger. She was too soft-hearted, too caught up in _family_ and _love_.

Plus, the serum that was zinging around her bloodstream connected them. She couldn’t kill him without killing a large part of herself.

Malcolm settled back in his chair and raised an eyebrow.

Cali shook her head, readjusting her grip on the gun. Where she’d gotten it from, he had no clue. “You’ve done terrible things,” she breathed, voice shaky and uncertain. “Someone has to hold you accountable.”

“And that someone has to be you?”

“Yes.” The answer was immediate, but the conviction was weakening. “If it isn’t me, then it’ll be the Hood.”

Hm, an interesting tidbit of information. To threaten him with Starling City’s vigilante was a bold move, and it hinted at connections that he hadn’t suspected. Surely Cali didn’t know who was under that atrocious green hood. Surely she hadn’t gotten herself caught up in such a vast spiderweb.

Malcolm hoped with all his heart that he wouldn’t have to lock her away before he could set the Undertaking in motion.

“I see,” he said lightly. “Well, does Tommy know about this? Surely not, else he’d be here with you. Besides, he wouldn’t let you do something so rash. No-” he paused, and peeled his lips into a small smirk as Cali flushed, “-your brother would insist you go to the police. Tell me, daughter, if you were to go through with this, what would you tell him?”

The gun dipped again, Cali’s caramel eyes filling with unexpected tears. So steely her resolve had been when she’d marched into his office. How broken she was now. Malcolm almost felt bad for her. But the gun wasn’t all the way down yet. He wasn’t quite in the clear.

Cali’s breathing hitched. The gun wobbled. “I have to do this,” she told him, voice breaking. “I have to.”

“Do you?” Malcolm questioned quietly. “Do you, Calico?” The gun lifted again. He raised both of his hands. “Think about what you’re doing, baby. If you pull that trigger, you’d be murdering another human being. Is that what you want on your conscience?”

Cali exhaled carefully, her teary eyes hardening again. “You’ve hurt so many people,” she whispered. “You’ve killed people, and for what? Tell me why!”

“Are you going to kill me, Calissa? Is that the last image I’m going to have of you? Holding a gun to my face?”

“I should kill you. I _should_ -”

“What would you tell Tommy? You’ve already lost your mother. How would you tell him that you’re the reason he lost his father too?”

Cali’s stance widened. The gun dipped again. “You don’t love him. You cut him off-”

“I made a mistake,” Malcolm said. “All fathers do. I’m not perfect, Cali. It’s not fair of you to expect me to be.”

“You've killed people-”

“And if you pull that trigger, you’ll be no better.”

A heartbeat. Tension crackled in the air as Cali struggled visibly with herself. Whatever hyper-focus she’d entered his office with had withered away in light of his persuasions. Her once-steady hands trembled violently.

Apprehension slowly built its way up Malcolm’s throat - an emotion of his own, for once. He’d expected this to be easier. He’d thought that he would’ve talked her down by now, had believed her too weak to battle his will for too long. But the gun was still still pointed at his chest, and if Cali were to pull the trigger, he likely wouldn’t die, but he would be severely injured.

Keeping his hands raised in surrender, he slowly inched his way out of his chair, rising to his feet as smoothly but as non threateningly as possible. Cali was a tall girl, so he didn’t tower above her, but there was still definitely a height difference that he tried not to draw attention to.

“I love you, Calico,” he murmured, moving around his desk and taking small steps until he was in front of her. The gun dropped away, Cali’s grip slackening and the weapon falling limply to her side.

There was no resistance when Malcolm reached forward and gently drew the pistol out of her hand.

Inhaling sharply, he clicked the safety back on and settled it on his desk, wiping his palms on his slacks as if to rid himself of the touch. “I’m sorry,” Cali said miserably, and her tears fell freely now that her arms weren’t weighed down by the gun. “Oh my god, I don’t-I’m so _sorry_ -”

“Oh Cali,” Malcolm sighed and drew her into a hug. “It’s alright. It’s alright, darling.”

And Calissa, who’d sworn never to crawl back to him, sworn that she didn’t love him and that he was a monster, sworn that she didn’t ever want to see him again, renounced him as her father - Cali latched her hands onto his shirt and buried her face in his shoulder, the sharp creases of his suit softening under the dampness of her regret.

They’d never held each other like this. Not even when Rebecca had been murdered. Malcolm had pushed both of his children away, pushed _Cali_ away when her only crime was having Rebecca’s features on her small face. He’d kept Tommy away for having her eyes.

And then he’d left, for two years, and when he’d come back, neither of his children had forgiven him enough to give him a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Dad,” Cali sobbed into his shoulder, her entire body shuddering in his grip. “I almost shot you, oh my god. I’m so sorry. I’m so _sorry_. Oh my _god_ -”

“Shh,” he soothed, using one hand to smooth down her hair. “It’s okay. Shh.”

.

There was something about Felicity Smoak that Oliver Queen couldn’t ever forget. He couldn’t put his finger on it - something to do with her smile, or her lipstick, or the pen she’d held between her teeth - but it was bright and warm whenever he walked into his office.

Like today. “Hey,” he greeted warmly, after watching her study her tablet for several moments without noticing him standing there.

She startled, tipping the tablet away from him like she was watching something she shouldn't have been. “Don’t you knock?” She demanded, and then that weird thing about Felicity Smoak kicked in and Oliver smiled without meaning to.

“Felicity-” her name sat just right on his tongue “-this is the I.T. department. It’s not the ladies’ room.”

Her nervous huff of laughter didn’t mask the quiet _click_ of her tablet turning off. “Right. What can I do for you?”

And oh, if Oliver had ever loved lying to someone, he loved lying to Felicity. “My buddy Steve is really into archery,” he started innocently. “Apparently it’s all the rage now.”

Felicity shook her head slightly and set her tablet down, looking suitably unimpressed. “I don’t know why,” she said. “Looks utterly ridiculous to me.”

Okay, ouch. Oliver only stared at her for a moment, because what he did wasn’t ridiculous. It was justice, it was righting his father’s wrongs. “ _Anyway_ ,” he continued, shoving aside the mild indignation and starting to uncap the large cylinder containing the other archer’s arrows that Lance had given him. “It’s Steve’s birthday next weekend and wanted to buy him some arrows. Thing is, he gets these special, custom-made arrows-” he pulled the arrow out into view, taking note of the way Felicity shrank back, “-and I have no idea where he gets them.”

“I don’t-”

“I was hoping you could find out where this came from,” he finished, holding out the arrow to the blonde girl.

There was a pause, in which he held his breath. His cover stories were absolutely horrendous, he knew that. But there was a difference between logging into a busted laptop and handing over a suspicious arrow that was literally a murder weapon in an on-going investigation.

He did not know Felicity well enough to trust that she wouldn’t dob him in to someone.

She reached forward, though, her fingers barely brushing the shaft before Oliver jerked it away and breathed, “Careful.”

Felicity rolled her eyes. “Yeah.” She gripped the arrow a little more firmly and Oliver relinquished it with less hesitation. “The shaft’s composite is patented,” she muttered, already switching on her tablet and working away. She studied the screen for a moment, before smiling. “And that patent is registered to a company called Sagittarius.” She held the arrow out to him. “That's latin for ‘the archer.”

Oliver took the arrow gently, sliding it back into the tube he carried it in. “Could you find out when and where this was purchased?”

The tight smile Felicity gave him told him that she wasn’t buying a word of his bullshit story. She knew he didn’t have a friend named Steve. But for some reason, she didn’t question him. She didn’t turn him away. She didn’t call for Walter.

She was a bit like Cali, in a way.

“According to Sagitarius company records, that particular arrow was part of a bundle shipment-” she scribbled down an address and held the sticky note out to him, “-two hundred units sent to this address.”

“Felicity,” Oliver breathed, taking the note and studying the address, “you are remarkable.”

Her smile loosened, solidified into something a little more genuine. “Thank you for remarking on it.”

Oliver rose from his seat, giving her one last smile and heading for the door, tube gripped tightly in his hand. “And Merry Christmas,” he added, a little sheepishly.

He was almost out of her office when she called out, “I’m Jewish.”

He hid his grin. Of course she was. Of course this wonderful, strange, smart woman was something special. He ducked back inside. “Happy Hanukkah,” he said quietly, and then disappeared out of the door, feeling strangely giddy, like he was some dumb teenager again.

It was nice.

.

Everything was so still and so quiet.

Her breath rasped out of her, cracking through the stuffy air like a bullet, only to be swallowed up by the oppressive silence. Her dress was pressed tight to her skin, wrapping around her like a second skin and hiding the rapid inflation and deflation of her lungs. Her perfectly styled hair made the back of her neck itchy. Her ruined makeup felt heavy on her face.

Oliver was having a party tonight.

Cali had almost killed her father today.

How could she possibly be trusted to be around other people? She was a monster, a would-be murderer. _She’d almost killed her father today._

Would that have been her Christmas present to Tommy? A funeral for the only family they had left. She would have stranded them both without any parents, when Tommy was already without a trust fund, already without a support network.

What would Oliver think of her? What would he do - would he condemn her? Would he understand? No, surely he wouldn’t - Oliver knew the terrible things that Malcolm had done and he’d not made a move against him. Why should Cali have been the one to do it?

Where did her violence come from? Michael? No, it was bred into her, at birth, when her mother died, when their father went away and then never really came back.

She was a monster by design. By blood, by fate. She was the daughter of Malcolm Merlyn and it showed in every action. Michael had been right to control her, to try and train the darkness out of her.

He’d seen her for who she really was. And he’d tried to love her anyway. Why had she hated him so?

It was so still and so quiet in her apartment.

A gun sat on the table in front of her.

She’d thrown up for hours when she’d gotten home, her shame and fear wriggling around her stomach as she’d heaved and sobbed and shaken. She still felt like that now, but her sickness had been replaced by weakness, her wild hysteria replaced by quiet tears.

There was a party tonight, and she was supposed to be going. Thea was expecting her there. She’d gotten dressed up. She’d invited Janet too, but her lovely waitress was working, so Cali was condemned to go alone.

Maybe she wouldn’t go at all. She wasn’t safe to be around.

She’d threatened to kill her father.

It had seemed so right at the time, so just and righteous and _absolute_. Because she knew that Malcolm wouldn’t stop, knew that he would continue to sacrifice lives and continue to not care. The only way to stop him was to _stop him_.

But she’d waivered.

Because Malcolm Merlyn was a bad man, but he was also her father. He was _Tommy’s_ father. And he loved her, in his own twisted way.

She couldn’t kill him. She should’ve but she couldn’t, and he’d known it and she’d known it too, really.

That person - the girl who held a gun to a man’s heart and told him she was going to kill him - that wasn’t her. But it was. It _was_ her, and she didn’t know how to fit that into her fractured identity. She was already so many different people, crammed into one body. To add another broken being? She was going to fall apart.

She couldn’t go to the party tonight. She’d tried to kill her father today.

The gun sat pretty on the table in front of her.

Her fingers danced across her phone screen, and she held it up to her ear, keeping her eyes trained on the weapon like it might kill her there and then. She might want it to. The call connected almost straight away. “Diggle.”

“I don’t think I can come to the party,” she breathed through the phone. “Sorry John. Apologise to Thea for me. And Tommy.”

“Are you okay?”

“Bye John.”

He was still saying her name when she hung up, the phone falling from her hand and landing on the table with a sharp thunk. It sat next to the weapon.

Cali was crying - she hadn’t stopped since she’d not-killed Malcolm - and chills were rippling across her skin. _Shock_ , a distant part of her recognised. _She was in shock, and had been for hours._

She should get a banket. She should move. Get away from the gun. Go to the party. She should go to the party. Thea expected her to be at the party.

She couldn’t bear to see Tommy. Not Tommy. Not now. How could she ever look at him again? He would never forgive her for what she’d done today. Never ever. He didn’t support their father, but he loved Malcolm. Cali had almost taken that away.

Her phone trilled on the table. She answered it. “Hello?”

“Cali, what’s going on? What’s wrong?” John sounded a bit frantic, and more guilt built up in Cali’s chest. “I’m on my way over. Are you hurt?”

“No John.” She wasn’t hurt, she wasn’t. She was just a bad person. Like her father was, like Michael was supposed to be. “You should go back to the party. Won’t Oliver miss you?

John huffed. “Oliver is busy doing other things. He’s gonna be late to the party anyway. Besides, it hasn’t started yet.”

“I can’t go to the party,” she told him, and a fresh wave of tears spilled down her cheeks. Her voice caught in her throat and choked her words. “My-My makeup is ruined, John. I can’t go with ruined makeup.”

He was silent for a moment, and Cali twitched in her seat, her tears falling faster as shame burned hotter in her stomach. She didn’t deserve a friend like John. She didn’t deserve anything but eternal damnation.

John let out a heavy breath, bringing her back to the current phone call. “It’s lucky that my sister-in-law taught me a few tricks. I’m sure I can patch you up just fine, Miss Merlyn. You’ll make it to the party, I promise.”

Yeah, okay. She could handle that. “That sounds nice, John,” she croaked. “That sounds really nice.”

She hung up after a few more exchanged words, wiping uselessly at her eyes and looking away from the gun that sat innocently in front of her. John was coming. She had to hide it, because if he knew, he wouldn’t fix her makeup or take her to the party. He would walk away, and she’d lose him, and then it would all be over.

Her body moved in agonising slow motion, like the air around her was made of molasses. The cold metal of the gun bit into her palm as she picked it up and slid it into the bottom drawer in her kitchen. Even when it was out of sight, she was so painfully aware of its presence.

Pressure was assaulting her temple, her headache a steady presence behind her eyes. A result of crying for so long - which was almost laughable, when you really thought about it. How was it that a twenty-nine year old woman could cry for so many consecutive hours like she was a child again.

She was supposed to have her life together by now.

Shaking her head, Cali dug out her half-empty bottle of Advil, downed a few tablets, and waited for John to arrive.

.

_Having Cali live with him was troublesome in ways that Tommy should have expected._

_Her nightmares, he’d expected. He’d already braced for the screaming, the thrashing, the crying. Laurel and Thea had both gone through something similar when the ‘Gambit’ had gone down and they’d learned that their siblings would never be coming home._

_He hadn’t expected the silence, still and cold and unbreakable. Cali never said a word, only made noise when she was trapped in the throes of her dreams. She didn’t cry when she was awake - in fact, Tommy never saw a flicker of emotion in her other than fear if he moved too quickly, spoke too loudly._

_Michael had broken her so completely that he wasn’t sure he could ever fix her._

_Until the day that Cali bumped into her brother in the kitchen, and the bottle of milk in Tommy’s hand toppled to the ground and splashed over their feet._

_“Oh,” Cali whispered, finally, her voice breaking and cracking and aching with disuse. “Oh, it’s just spilled milk.”_

_And then she collapsed into Tommy, like a puppet whose strings had been cut, and started crying uncontrollably into his shoulder. He gripped her tightly, whispering whatever words came to his mind, because he’d been waiting for so long to be able to hold her like this. To be able to touch her._

_He’d been waiting for the moment when she realised that he wasn’t Michael. He was just Tommy._

_He was just Tommy and that had to be enough, because he had nothing else to offer her but that._

.

John’s movements were careful and controlled as he gently worked a damp towel over her face, abducting her smeared makeup into the fibres of the towel and leaving her plain-faced and quiet in her seat. He didn’t talk while he worked, which was nice. Cali didn’t think she could handle the rough stimulus of hearing a voice right now.

Finally setting the damp towel aside, John relaxed back into his seat and took a moment to just take her in. He was looking for something in her expression - something that would give him answers to half-formed questions. Cali stared back, deadened and listless and tired.

“C-A-L-I,” John finger-spelled, unexpectedly, and Cali snapped to attention, narrowing her eyes at the familiar, but rarely used language. John’s hands were steady and sure, confident in his conversation without vocals. “Something happened. Tell me?”

Cali lifted her own hands to respond, dismayed to find them trembling. “I’m bad,” she signed weakly, her fingers feeling clunky and slow. She hadn’t used ASL in so long. “Did a bad thing. Can’t forgive myself, J-O-H-N.”

With a smile, John gently threw his fist down into his palm, knuckles level, like he was knocking on his palm, and moved it in a circle. “J-O-H-N,” he spelt, and then did the motion again. Cali repeated the motion back to him, understanding the callsign for what it was.

She;d expected something that more reflected his military past, something with a more targeted and specific meaning. But no, he’d chosen instead to portray his name as something simple, common, steadfast and unchanging.

The first hint of a tentative smile played around her mouth, and she shrugged at him before fingerspelling her own name. She didn’t have a name sign. She wasn’t Deaf, and wasn't part of the community. Her knowledge had been scraped together, bound by interest and bleak wanting.

She frowned at him and waved her hand. She knocked her closed fist into her palm and made a circle, and tilted her head. “How?” she signed, curious. It was rare for a hearing person to have a name sign. It was usually gifted to someone by a member of the Deaf community.

John shook his head and grinned. “Army,” he signed back at her. “One of my men was Deaf. He taught me, gave me name sign.” Again, John demonstrated the gentle closed-fist knock into his palm and circle. “His name was R-A-X-E-R.” He fingerspelled the name and then made the sign for song. “He liked to feel music.”

A bittersweet memory, Cali was sure. It was hard to remember people who meant much to you, once, when they were dead and gone. Her mother was like that too.

“I went to clinics,” she said finally, wincing as her raw throat flexed around the words. “Got members of the Deaf community to teach me properly. They only ever called me ‘girl’.”

John reached forward and grabbed one of her hands in his. “I’m not Deaf,” he said, “but I can give you a name sign, Cali. Just for between us. Just for right now.”

“Yeah John,” Cali whispered. “Okay.”

Her name sign should be murderer. Should be monster. Should be abomination. It wouldn’t be, though, because John was a sweet, naive fool who was so blind to her true potential. She’d almost killed her father today, and _oh_ -

John had named her with a variation of ‘Princess’.

“C-A-L-I,” he fingerspelled, and then made the sweeping motion again, eyes twinkling. “ _Princess_.”

Cali’s entire body was cold, flushed by chills, by shock, by relief. Another name by which to call her, and it turned out to be a name she didn’t deserve. This was friendship, pure and simple, and the vastness of it terrified her more than the darkness inside of her did.

How could she be trusted with this wonderful _thing_? She couldn't nurture a bond like this. It would wither and die, decay over time and rot her insides until she was nothing more than a living corpse.

John’s mouth slanted downwards slightly, and his grip on her hand tightened. “It’s okay,” he said softly. “Let’s just get you ready for the party.”

Cali sniffed and lifted her chin. She could do this. She had to do this.

She’d almost killed her father today, and as a result she’d been named Princess, and she was going to the damn party.

.

Oliver didn’t want to admit that he was worried, but he was worried. He’d been late to the party, as was to be expected when you lived a double life as an archer vigilante, but he’d seemed to beat Diggle here. Which was unheard of. John always made a point to be punctual and present.

But he wasn’t at the party, and Oliver didn’t want to admit that he was worried, but he was.

A hand brushed against his shoulder and he whirled around, startled to find himself face-to-face with the very bodyguard he’d been desperately scanning the crowds for. “Diggle,” he hissed under his breath, eyes flickering over his friend’s body, searching for injuries. “What the hell? Where were you? You're later than I am.”

Diggle shook his head and leaned in close. “Cali’s with me,” he said lowly, and Oliver’s entire body tensed. “Something’s happened, but she won’t tell me what. I talked her out of whatever headspace she was in, but she’s not safe yet. You’ve gotta watch after her tonight, Oliver, or we’re going to lose her.”

Oliver glanced over Diggle’s shoulder, immediately finding Cali by the front door, her makeup plain and her body language closed off and nervous. He nodded, once, and Diggle backed up a step or two, signing something at Cali through the crowds.

Oliver cursed his inability to understand ASL. Of all the languages he knew, one of America's most important was not one of them.

“Oliver,” Cali greeted warily after gliding through the ayhered people to meet him. “Sorry that John and I outdid your fashionably late arrival. I had a...makeup dilemma.”

An oversimplification, Oliver was sure.

But he put on a smile, and he didn’t push, and when Cali’s shoulders relaxed and her deadened eyes were flooded with relief, Oliver felt just that much worse for it. “Glad you could make it,” he said easily, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Merry Christmas, Cali.”

Her smile melted into something genuine and soft. “Merry Christmas, Oliver.”

John cleared his throat and gave Oliver a pointed look. “You sure you want to do this, man. Maybe now isn’t the best time for you to be playing Martha Stewart’s elf.”

The reference was completely lost on Oliver, who’d been on an island for the past five years and was thus missing some pop culture knowledge. He chose not to point it out, though, and carried on the conversation as though he had every idea what John was talking about. “My family needs this party, Diggle. Which means that I need it.”

With a nod, John began to lead him and Cali through the crowds, on the lookout for familiar faces and family members.

Which was when they ran into _Shane_.

Oliver’s lips automatically curled at the rattish boy in front of him, underdressed and out of place at a Queen party. Something about him made Oliver’s skin crawl - how Thea felt safe around him, Oliver had absolutely no idea.

Upon seeing him, SHane’s eyes widened almost comically. “Hey dude,” he said, and Oliver wanted to shoot him with every single arrow he had just for that. “Thea invited me. I hope that’s cool.” He glanced down at the flowers he was carrying and held them out. “These are for your mom.”

Oliver snorted dismissively and turned to Diggle. “Smooth,” he whispered and then gently looped his arm through Cali’s and led her into the lounge, where the table had been moved to make room for gatherings of people.

Her skin was cold against his, and he startled for a moment. Five years ago, Cali had always run almost too warm. “What?” Cali asked, frowning at him. Clearly, she’d noticed him shifting about. “You’re the one who grabbed onto _me_ , so if you’re uncomfortable, it’s entirely your fault.”

“No, no, no,” Oliver rushed to assure her. “I just wasn’t expecting your arms to be so cold. You’re literally an ice-cube right now. Are you okay?”

Anyone else would have missed the way that Cai’s eyes shuttered, the false emotions disappearing under a sheet of blankness and bleak surrender. Anyone else would have missed the way her wrist flexed, as she changed from a bland flatness to a sallow sadness.

Oliver was not anyone else, and worry hit him so hard he was blindsided, and for a few moments, it was really hard to breathe.

“Are you okay?” He repeated, a little firmer this time. “Cali, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”

She exhaled sharply. “Nothing,” she said tiredly. “John’s already fixed it up. I just had a spaz out over ruining my makeup. John fixed it, Ollie, I promise.” Her smile was wobbly and paper-thin. “I’m fine.”

Another vast understatement. There were already too many of those tonight, from Cali.

He wanted to ask, but they’d just stumble across his mother, Thea, and Walter, and Cali was already letting go of him and engulfing Thea in a tight hug. “Killer dress, Critter,” she said brightly when she pulled back, eyeing the fabric appreciatively. “That Shane boy isn’t gonna know what to do with you.”

“You know about Shane?” Oliver growled.

Cali rolled her eyes at him over her shoulder. “Of course I know about Shane. Who do you think told Thea to invite him here?”

Moira chuckled, interrupting Oliver before he could start shouting. “Well, I’m glad that everyone here has a date tonight, at least.” She eyes Oliver keenly, and he straightened his shoulders, even though he had absolutely no idea what she was looking for. “Calissa,” she said, without taking her eyes off her son, “I’m sure I saw Tommy and Laurel just now. I’m sure they’d love to see you.”

A clear dismissal. Oliver’s jaw worked as he bit back his angry words at how blatantly rude that had been, but Cali was already giving Thea a kiss on the cheek and slipping away into the crowds. Clearly, she’d been expecting nothing less.

“Mom,” Oliver said scoldingly. “That was rude.”

“Oh please, Oliver, she’s clearly uncomfortable being here. You really think that Merlyn Media Smile was fooling anybody?”

Oh. Well, that was slightly more valid then.

.

In her defense, Cali had every intention of going to her brother and sticking to him like glue for the rest of the night.

His face flashed through the people, his mouth stretched wild as he chatted about something with Laurel, his hands moving animatedly while he talked. He looked happy, content, settled. And Cali just...couldn’t.

She’d almost killed her father today, and her brother was finally _happy_ , and she couldn’t go to him now. Not at a party. Not with Laurel right there. Not with second-hand makeup plastered on by a gentle ex-soldier who called her a princess.

She _couldn’t_.

Maybe that made her a coward, or a bad person, or maybe it just made her soft, but Cali would die before wrenching that happiness away Even if she managed not to tell him, she couldn’t bear to watch him, engage with him, knowing what she knew. Remembering what she’d done. What she’d almost done.

Tommy would just have to have Christmas without her, this year.

Seconds before Tommy looked out in her direction, she let the crowds swallow her up again as she cut a line for the front door. She was already dialling Parker, pressing her phone to her ear as she escaped from the cloying pretence of girlish humanity.

“I’ll be there in five minutes, Miss,” Parker said immediately after he answered, and Cali let him be the one to hang up, because if there was one person she could trust herself with right now, it was Parker.

She sat on the curb, not caring about the dampness that immediately soaked into the hem of her dress, and waited for her friend to take her away.


End file.
